Is binge drinking in your mid 30s normal?

[betterdeal]

Classic abusive response.

Edited August 26, 2011 by betterdeal

[betterdeal]

Are you now trying to shame me into silence by bringing up unrelated issues? Feeling a bit uncomfortable your abuse was called so you went and did a bit of research? See if you can dig up some dirt?

 

Think that'll work? Draw attention away from your sarcasm and verbal abuse?

Edited August 26, 2011 by betterdeal

[OnyxSnowfall]

If you are ashamed of your life then that's your issue not mine.

 

Also why would I want to "silence" you? Your worst enemy is yourself and you reveal your personal truth the more you "speak." So keep speaking, friend.

 

Goste --- in all seriousness, what about your own personal analysis of yourself? You seem to enjoy delving into human psychology... I'm not going to comment on the methods by which you express your interests however... it's a little hard not to be intrigued by whatever it is "you" are.

[deenie]

I’m sorry in advance if this is long - I've been a long time lurker on LS, but felt the need to reply to this post because it just hit too close to home. Olive your husband sounds just like my fiancé - and that's not in a good way. We've been together about 3 years (we are both 26 so younger than you and your husband) and I have only just realized how unhealthy our relationship is. I'm not saying yours is exactly like mine, but it just sounds too similar and I wanted to share my experience.

 

Here are the similarities:

- The need to drink to excess as a form of stress relief

-The reputation as being the fun guy, or a history of partying

- The lack of general desire to be responsible, wanting to relive his youth, never growing up (but yet telling you he wants kids. . . those things contradict each other and its good you recognize it)

- Wanting financial independence and yet being financially irresponsible

- The lack of hobbies or interests

- The general laziness sentiment (when you mentioned your frustration over him spending the whole day on the couch and yet still needing to go out to burn off stress. . . I can't tell you how often I've heard that.)

- Wanting you to be responsible, and then telling you you’re a buzzkill because you don't want to go out and be social - I get that a lot too.

- Not wanting to talk about things. . .

 

You don’t go into the early stages of your relationship much, and say that this is a new development. But I wonder if it really is? In my case, what I was initially attracted to in this person was the fact that he was so fun. I am a bit of an introvert and the fact that this outgoing, fun, funny person with an extensive network of friends was interested in me made me fall head over heels. Unfortunately, I see now, that I missed a lot of warning signs and fell head first into an unhealthy, some-what co-dependant and emotionally abusive relationship - and all the issues we are having now are were there in the beginning. Maybe I just didn’t notice them or they weren’t as noticeable, but there were there.

 

In addition to the above similarities I will add the following other issues my fiancé has:

-Drinks 2-3 beers a night during the week though he is rarely hungover (functioning alcoholic?)

-Long-term pot smoker

-He has an unhealthy dynamic with his family (both parents were intermittently absent, fought a lot, had substance abuse issues, they divorced when he was 9 and tend to be emotionally abusive and manipulative – and yet incredible nice to me. . .they tell me “I’m the best thing that ever happened to their son.”)

-He is underemployed and has been “stuck” in the same job for 4 years – though he has done nothing to find a new job and blames the city we live in as not being “right for him”

-He also has no long-term career goals (sometimes he wants to be an interior designer, other times a firefighter and most recently he wants to get back into hospitality)

- I helped him open a credit card so he could build some credit and he promptly put 5K on it which he cannot pay off

- He has no money in savings and no sense of how to budget (I handle all our monthly bills)

- He has a general immaturity that I didn’t see until recently – everything is everyone else’s fault and he is always the victim.

 

Sigh. I write this and wonder (as many of my friends do) how I could be engaged to someone like this. It's such and unequal partnership - so far from what I want in a husband.

 

Well the simple answer is if you met him, you would think he was the nicest, sweetest, funniest guy in the world. Because he does have those qualities and that’s what I fell for. He can be incredibly romantic and affectionate. We do have fun together. Every person that meets him thinks he's the greatest. The problem is he also has financial, emotional and substance abuse problems that I ignored for a LONG time. You would never know that all these issues linger just under the surface. He hides it well.

 

My biggest regret is ignoring the warnings, ignoring my gut telling me "this isn't right." I don't know why, but for a long time I would make excuses for his issues, defend him from the occasional critic – “he’s had a rough life – his family treated him so poorly,” “he’s depressed because his boss is mean to him” “things will get better and he’ll drink less when he joins a gym and can burn off some stress”. . . I also started to see myself as his savior, the one to fix him, and finally make his life better.

 

What started off as a happy, fun relationship dissolved into many months of fighting over his broken promises to “be better”, and feeling depressed, helpless and worthless at the idea that I was marrying this person who disrespected me and made my life miserable. He was dragging me down and I blamed myself for not being "supportive enough."

 

I know some people have raised the issue of abuse – especially with regards to the “mind games” over affection, asking if you love him, but at the same time not listening to your concerns, pushing the blame back onto you etc. My fiancé behaved this way too. I only recently learned (thanks to other postings on LS) that this cycle of denial/blame deflecting and neediness is considered a form of emotional abuse. I don’t know if this has happened to you, but there is usually a lot of fighting in between the denying and asking if you love him parts. Over time this cycle really make me question my self-worth. Why would I stay with someone who treated me this way? I'm still trying to come to terms with how I let myself fall into this type of relationship.

 

Olive, You seem like a strong person and the fact that you are questioning his behavior is a good sign. I know you started off with the drinking because it’s the most obvious, but I urge you to look deeper and make sure you aren’t making excuses for other areas where he might be not pulling his weight in the relationship or that you are concerned about. The disordered drinking is probably a sign of deeper issues that he needs to address. The fact that he doesn't want to talk about it also is a huge warning sign to me that there is something deeper at play.

 

I wanted to share my story because it took me a long time to realize that NO I am not the one with the problem in the relationship YES his behavior is inappropriate and NO I don’t deserve to be treated that way. Your husbands drinking is definitely a problem, not only because of its implications on his health, but because it is threatening the stability of your relationship. PLEASE encourage him to get help, be remember that you can only look out for yourself and your wellbeing. Keep that as your priority. You will never be able to make him stop this behavior –these are HIS problems and he has to learn to make that change on his own.

 

But if he continues to act this way, then you should seriously consider leaving. Don't make excuses for him or rationalize away his behavior. It will only get worse. Unfortunately, this is pretty much where I find myself - we are seeing if we can “work things out” (i.e. he is trying to get help for his issues) – but after nearly 2 years in this state, I’m not optimistic he’ll change.

[Olive42]

 

You don’t go into the early stages of your relationship much, and say that this is a new development. But I wonder if it really is? In my case, what I was initially attracted to in this person was the fact that he was so fun. I am a bit of an introvert and the fact that this outgoing, fun, funny person with an extensive network of friends was interested in me made me fall head over heels.

 

Thanks for sharing your story deenie, a lot of what you said reminds me of my situation, including the part above that I quoted. Even though this was the case, he wasn't really a partier at any point in our relationship, to include when we first stated dating. He said he was ready to settle down, and he ACTED like it. He was hanging out at home most Saturday nights, always home early if he did go out, drank, but not too much, and I was always invited. One of our first dates was to his friend's wedding.

 

I'm so sorry that your situation also involves his crappy childhood and drugs - I can't imagine. My husband is very fortunate that he had two loving parents growing up, had enough money, and I've never had to deal with him abusing drugs.

 

Well the simple answer is if you met him, you would think he was the nicest, sweetest, funniest guy in the world. Because he does have those qualities and that’s what I fell for. He can be incredibly romantic and affectionate. We do have fun together. Every person that meets him thinks he's the greatest.

Sounds just like my husband, Mr. Popular!

 

I know some people have raised the issue of abuse – especially with regards to the “mind games” over affection, asking if you love him, but at the same time not listening to your concerns, pushing the blame back onto you etc. My fiancé behaved this way too. I only recently learned (thanks to other postings on LS) that this cycle of denial/blame deflecting and neediness is considered a form of emotional abuse.

 

What kinds of threads are you reading where people are posting about this?

 

I don’t know if this has happened to you, but there is usually a lot of fighting in between the denying and asking if you love him parts.

Ha, of course

 

My husband will never calmly discuss anything with me - there always has to be a right person and a wrong person, and guess who is never the one who's wrong.

 

His response to anything is "I love you" (as if the problem is that I think he doesn't), if I try to tell him about a problem I have with him I am treating him badly, etc.

 

He got home from his trip last night, and told me ("nicely") I better be nice to him, because he can't live without me. He was acting like that was his way of saying he missed me, but it sounded more like a threat to me - be nice and happy all the time and don't ever have moods or get mad about anything or give him a hard time about anything or he'll leave.

 

Over time this cycle really make me question my self-worth. Why would I stay with someone who treated me this way? I'm still trying to come to terms with how I let myself fall into this type of relationship.

After a conflict with my husband I am often left wondering what the hell is wrong with me, because I do see what he is doing.

[angie2443]

http://www.suite101.com/content/the-domestic-violence-cycle-a170240

 

This is one link to a page that describes the cycle of abuse. There is a book by Lundy (forgot the first name) called "Why does he do that". It can help you wrap your mind around your partner's behavior. You are definitaly bieng abused. The signs are all over the place.

 

He tells you "I love you" when you try to talk to him, to shut you up. I know that sounds harsh, but it is what it is. He plays the mind games with you to make you unsure of yourself. He does it to keep you weak. He does it to gain control so he can have his way most of the time.

 

You have nothing to do with his abuse. People like your partner want control and feel they are entitled to it, even if they have to harm someone to get control of them. You didn't bring on his anger, abuse, coldness by bieng too passive, aggressive, clingy, distant whatever. People who abuse are often nice to people on the outside of the prime relationship. They can often be "charming" in public which often makes their partner (or children) wonder if they are doing something to cause the abuse.

 

Educate yourself. Don't let him make you feel like you're going crazy.