Is binge drinking in your mid 30s normal?

[reboot]

I don't think I'm being defensive. I am a little irritated that certain responses (such as "you idiot, your husband hides his drinking from you because he's an alcoholic, and fyi he does drugs too, and of course you don't know, because you're in denial") are off base (but I guess me thinking that just means that I'm in denial).

 

Fair enough. And for what it's worth, I don't think you're in denial. I think you knew the answer to your question before you asked it.

[Olive42]

And your husband didn't just have three drinks in a five hour period. He drank the three drinks in the time it took you to drink one (obviously you understand that pace as well as quantity is significant) then started in on the wine. Not: "Just three drinks." "Three drinks, rapidly, plus an unknown quantity of wine."

 

There are many similar inconsistencies and rationalizations in your thread.

 

 

This isn't an inconsistency, or a rationalization; it's a matter of interpretation. I thought I was posting way too many details, but apparently not enough.

 

It takes me about an hour to finish one drink. My husband had 3 drinks in about 1 hr- 1.5 hrs. After his 3rd drink, he poured himself a glass of wine from the bottle on the table. At this point, I asked him if he was still planning on driving home. He said yes. He took one sip of wine. His uncle, who was on the other side of him, suggested that this wine was very strong, and combined with the mixed drinks he had been drinking prior, he would be out. My husband laughed a little, joked with his uncle for a minute, then gave me the glass of wine. He didn't have anything to drink but water the rest of the night.

 

I don't disagree that my husband has some kind of drinking problem. My only "denial" has been of specific statements that I think do not apply to my situation. I don't see anything wrong (or rationalizing) about clarifying misinterpretations of issues or situations I have tried to describe.

 

I have not discounted advice to speak to an alcohol counselor; however my husband has drunk responsibly and in moderation for years. Several other posters have given some good advice on how to handle this situation, and how to talk about it with my husband. I think this should be the first step in attempting to resolve this issue.

[Star Gazer]

A year into my last serious relationship, I started questioning the same things you are. He was fully functional. The only part of his life that appeared to suffer from his drinking was our relationship. I believed he wasn't drinking when I didn't know about it. It wasn't until after I was moving out, and saw 12 empty bottles in the outdoor recycling bin, that I never saw him drink but were clearly consumed in our house, that I FINALLY "got it." Alcoholics hide it well.

 

Your H is abusing alcohol and has an alcohol problem. You know it, otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread.

[Olive42]

You had said he had 3 drinks in five hours, now it's as little as 1 hour. Yet, you don't perceive yourself as making inconsistent statements.

Hahah it's the same thing...It was about a 5 hr dinner...When we first got there he had 3 drinks in the span of 1 hr to 1.5 hrs...and did not drink any more alcohol for the rest of the time. They are the same thing!! There were 14 people at the dinner. We knew we were going to be there all night.

 

 

 

did he think he needed even a sip of wine after consuming three rather strong cocktails in one hour? That's the question you don't even address.

I'm not saying that he doesn't have a drinking problem, but frankly, I can't fault him for wanting to try the wine ~ it was a very expensive, very nice, very famous bottle.

 

If his uncle was standing right next to him why would you state his uncle didn't see how much he had been drinking?

My husband and I were early. His uncle only saw him have 1 drink. As a bit of background, this particular uncle has, since the time my husband and I met, taken it upon himself to back up everything I say to my husband, and to "teach" my husband to be a good spouse....in this uncle's mind that means going along with everything the wife says (as evidenced in his own marriage). I'm not complaining at all, but it's not fair to say that he thinks my spouse has a drinking problem, thought my husband was drinking too much, etc. If my husband had one drink and I told him to stop, his uncle would have done the same thing. Again, I'm not saying that my husband wasn't drinking too much...but you are twisting things to fit the way you want...I am not being inconsistent.

 

Well you have finally somewhat at least admitted he has a drinking problem. That means he needs to stop drinking.

His drinking has been the entire point of this thread. I think my husband drinks too much. I want him to stop bingeing, and I want him to stop spending every weekend with his single friends. I still disagree with 3/4 of what you've said.

[Olive42]

A year into my last serious relationship, I started questioning the same things you are. He was fully functional. The only part of his life that appeared to suffer from his drinking was our relationship. I believed he wasn't drinking when I didn't know about it. It wasn't until after I was moving out, and saw 12 empty bottles in the outdoor recycling bin, that I never saw him drink but were clearly consumed in our house, that I FINALLY "got it." Alcoholics hide it well.

 

Your H is abusing alcohol and has an alcohol problem. You know it, otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread.

 

I agree that he has a drinking problem. I *know* when he drinks, though, and I know when he does not drink. He does not try to hide it from me (at least not yet). I also lived with an alcoholic friend for awhile after college, so I know all about that, and the hidden bottles, and being surprised, and so on. I *know* when my husband drinks, I *know* that this is new to our relationship. Is it a problem? Yes. But it is not something that he has been hiding from me until now. It has not been a problem until now.

[OliveOyl]

Off the top of my head...this entire change, in and of itself, is what bothers me. Who is this person and where is this coming from? Because this is 100% new to me, and to our relationship. Yes, I hate the lack of attention. He does not drink and drive, since we live in a city and that's not something that we need to worry about (fortunately). Binge drinking...I am not with him, so I don't know exactly how much he drinks...but from experience (how drunk I have seen him in the past, versus how drunk I see him now), things that he has said, and the occasional receipt I find when I'm doing laundry...he has at least 15 drinks when he goes out. He comes home so wasted that he blacks out, and the next day can't get out of bed for the entire day, and still feels like **** the following day.

 

Oh, and we do not have children yet (thank GOD), just 2 dogs.

 

And, another thing that bothers me, is the money he spends on going out to bars. It's not like we're strapped for cash, but I think it's irresponsible to drop $300 in one night on a bar tab.

 

And he does this every single Saturday night. Every one.

 

AND he only goes out and does this with single people, most of whom he doesn't even know well, if at all. He's MARRIED and should have gotten the whole getting completely ****faced and staying out until 4am out of his system a long time ago.

 

I hate that I'm the one who has to stay home ALL THE TIME and be responsible. Even if I wanted to stay out until 3am and get drunk, I wouldn't be able to find any girls to do it with me, since they are all married or in relationships, and don't do that **** anymore.

 

I find it humiliating that my husband is out at bars until 3am with single people, while all his married friends, or friends in relationships are with their wives or girlfriends.

 

I agree with the posters that say it sounds like he's an alcoholic. Sometimes alcoholics are able to manage their drinking for a few years, then they slide back into it. My ex was a functional alcoholic and my current BF is a recovered (many years, done the whole AA 12-step thing) binge alcoholic.

 

My ex drank every day and more on the weekends. When we first started dating his drinking wasn't a problem (although I could see the signs, I didn't recognize them). Years later, it was a BIG problem.

 

My BF didn't drink every day but drank way too much when he did (this is before we met... so glad I never had to see that).

 

It's not "normal" at all and it will kill your marriage unless your husband 1) admits he has a problem and 2) stops drinking. He will probably will have to do it completely. It doesn't matter that he only drinks on the weekends, the fact that he can't (or doesn't want to) control it is a sign of alcoholism.

 

Been there.

[Olive42]

It's not "normal" at all and it will kill your marriage unless your husband 1) admits he has a problem and 2) stops drinking. He will probably will have to do it completely. It doesn't matter that he only drinks on the weekends, the fact that he can't (or doesn't want to) control it is a sign of alcoholism.

 

Been there.

 

Thank you for throwing in the "or doesn't want to"....because that is the real issue, to me...I *know* that he *CAN* control his drinking.....for some reason, lately he apparently doesn't want to. Is there anything else you can share about your experience, or dealing with this?

[Olive42]

Thank you for throwing in the "or doesn't want to"....because that is the real issue, to me...I *know* that he *CAN* control his drinking.....for some reason, lately he apparently doesn't want to. Is there anything else you can share about your experience, or dealing with this?

Tried to edit: or how to talk about this with someone who doesn't think it's a problem/that they need help?

[Olive42]

It's not the same thing at all. If he spread out his three drinks over five hours there wouldn't have been an issue.

Right, except you said that me stating it 2 different ways was me denying it was a problem, which is blatantly incorrect.

 

He wasn't sampling the wine as a sophisticated oneophile. He was drinking the closest available potent source of alcohol. If what you are stating was correct he would have not had mixed drinks prior to drinking the famous wine. That would spoil the effect of the wine if it's the taste that interested him.

Actually, we didn't order the wine, and we didn't know what was going to be ordered. While I agree that he probably would have just kept drinking, I think it's obnoxious of you to insist things are fact that I have not stated, and that did not happen.

 

His uncle was a concerned relative who obviously has seen this particular scene repeated many many times before you were ever even in the picture.

False. I would take you more seriously if you didn't make ridiculous, absolute statements about things you have no way of knowing.

[Olive42]

Actually that's easy. Just say this:

 

"If you don't stop drinking immediately, I'm leaving you."

 

Then if he doesn't stop, you leave.

 

I've already stated that I'm not at that point yet, to make that a viable threat.

[betterdeal]

I think you can leave the argument as to what label to put on your husband to one side. You have enough to deal with without imaginary bottles down the back of the sofa and justifying your understanding of the situation to us cyber-chumps.

 

If he doesn't let you finish your sentences when you do tell him:

 

(a) how you feel

(b) what makes you feel that way

© what you want him to do about it

(d) what will happen if it continues [optional to begin with]

 

Then you have another problem in the relationship. Both are related to communication. Your hubby sounds like he's hit a mid-life crisis. He's mid-30s, not mid-20s and much as he misses the old days, it's a one-night show. He has a choice: accept he found his princess, but living happily ever after often needs a bit of adjustment from slaying dragons and quaffing ale with the boys to becoming the king of the castle; or he can try to go back in time and be a bachelor with the lads; but what he can't do is be married to both you and the lads.

[Star Gazer]

I agree that he has a drinking problem. I *know* when he drinks, though, and I know when he does not drink. He does not try to hide it from me (at least not yet). I also lived with an alcoholic friend for awhile after college, so I know all about that, and the hidden bottles, and being surprised, and so on. I *know* when my husband drinks, I *know* that this is new to our relationship. Is it a problem? Yes. But it is not something that he has been hiding from me until now. It has not been a problem until now.

 

Not all alcoholics are the same, or behave the same. There's no cookie cutter alkie. Just because you had an alcoholic roommate doesn't mean you *know* what to look for.

[giotto]

you can ask him to moderate his drinking, otherwise you'll be gone. If he really is an alcoholic, then he won't be able to do this and you'll know for sure...

[Olive42]

I think you can leave the argument as to what label to put on your husband to one side. You have enough to deal with without imaginary bottles down the back of the sofa and justifying your understanding of the situation to us cyber-chumps.

 

If he doesn't let you finish your sentences when you do tell him:

 

(a) how you feel

(b) what makes you feel that way

© what you want him to do about it

(d) what will happen if it continues [optional to begin with]

 

Then you have another problem in the relationship. Both are related to communication. Your hubby sounds like he's hit a mid-life crisis. He's mid-30s, not mid-20s and much as he misses the old days, it's a one-night show. He has a choice: accept he found his princess, but living happily ever after often needs a bit of adjustment from slaying dragons and quaffing ale with the boys to becoming the king of the castle; or he can try to go back in time and be a bachelor with the lads; but what he can't do is be married to both you and the lads.

You're right.

[giotto]

I don't think he is a full-blown alcoholic at this stage. He obviously has a drinking problem, but it seems to me that at the moment is more a social drinker (although dangerously so) than an alcoholic. He doesn't seem to be able to enjoy himself without a drink. Maybe it's boredom? Maybe he feels trapped. But obviously he is not happy. Before you tackle the drinking, you should really try to get to the bottom of his unhappiness. If you solve that, the drinking problem might disappear... if he is not totally physically dependent on it by then... having said that, there is a school of thought that recommend sobering up before tackling the issues...

[Dust]

I agree that he has a drinking problem. I *know* when he drinks, though, and I know when he does not drink. He does not try to hide it from me (at least not yet). I also lived with an alcoholic friend for awhile after college, so I know all about that, and the hidden bottles, and being surprised, and so on. I *know* when my husband drinks, I *know* that this is new to our relationship. Is it a problem? Yes. But it is not something that he has been hiding from me until now. It has not been a problem until now.

 

Didn’t you say you found a receipt for 15 drinks you had no idea he had. How is that knowing when and how much he is drinking?

[giotto]

We can only go by the facts presented and based on those facts he is most definitely a full blown alcoholic.

 

The alcoholic fueled blackouts, the ability to consumer 15+ drinks at at time, the denial of any alcohol problem, the fact that he wanted to drive while intoxicated with no regard to safety or the possibility of a DUI...over and over and over again, everything she has volunteered points straight to alcoholism.

 

What you may be a little bit deceived by is that OP is co-dependent/enabling him and therefore wherever possible has actually minimized her description of his drinking patterns.

 

A beautiful example of this is when she first said he went from the mixed drinks to the wine, and when it was pointed out that that type of behavior is indicative of alcoholism, she tried to justify it by saying "well it was a special bottle of wine that he wanted to taste."

 

Come on, that level of denial is absurd. He went for the wine because he was doing what he always does, which is drinking until he passes out. (Unless someone is able to stop him.)

 

He has been doing this kind of drinking for years and OP admits it indirectly when she talks about what a partier he was. "Partier" means "compulsive drinker." This is a 35 year old man and building up to 15+ drinks at a sitting means he has been doing this for years and years.

 

 

 

I would almost guarantee that one or both of OP's parents were also an alcoholic (even if she won't admit that). The clue was that she lived with a "friend" who was an alcoholic prior to her husband. (She doesn't say if it was romantic, sexual, just as roommates, or what.) OP is a person who is comfortable being in relationships with alcoholics and that has to be an outcome of her growing up in that sort of environment.

 

If you look at how OP has answered questions, you can see that evasiveness about the alcoholic drinking pattern is like second nature to her. These are classic signs of someone who is co-dependent to an alcoholic partner.

 

 

 

 

No. He is an alcoholic and the fact that OP doesn't want to hear it doesn't change the facts. No reason to sugar coat the reality when speaking to an enabler (like betterdeal is doing) because that allows the enabler to avoid the key point: Which is the alcoholism.

 

 

 

 

 

Right. He's an alcoholic.

 

 

 

 

He may feel bored and he may feel trapped but him dealing with those feelings by drinking means he's an alcoholic. You'll note that an alcoholic deals with everything by drinking. Bored, trapped, happy, sad, angry, lonely....the response to everything is: Drink until passed out. That's what OP's spouse is like.

 

 

 

 

 

To get happy he has to stop drinking.

 

 

 

 

I realize this is the internet and everyone gets to have their say but this is unbelievably bad advice when given to the enabler/co dependent spouse of an active alcoholic.

 

The drinking must be tackled FIRST. The key is that when someone is an alcoholic, that is primary and everything else is secondary to the alcoholism.

 

 

 

 

 

He needs to stop drinking right now.

 

 

If this is a case, we are all alcoholics here in Britain, then...

[denise_xo]

If this is a case, we are all alcoholics here in Britain, then...

 

Well, you are. We all know that

[giotto]

Fluffing it off with laughter is a form of denial.

 

Maybe you will stop laughing about it if god forbid someone you know or love is killed by a drunk driver.

 

I hope that day never comes.

 

sorry, I was writing random rubbish in an attempt to get to post n. 2,000...

 

Seriously, I understand what you mean, but from the little information we have, I think you are trying too hard to validate your own, highly subjective, conclusions...

[giotto]

OK now I do hope you get hit by a drunk driver.

 

Satisfied?

 

Only when I get hit...

[carhill]

Funny, that almost happened to me when, one evening, I did let one of my exW's alcoholic friends wrestle the keys away from me and get into her car when I felt she had 'too much'. As we walked back to our car, which was parked on another street, she almost took us out as we were crossing the street.

 

Two years later, with her family destroyed (divorce in progress) and after detox, she's puffed up from anti-depressants but apparently sober. She took six months off from work for that process. I hope she remains in recovery. Superficially, she was a 'social drinker' like the OP's H. My tip-off....she seemed to spend a lot of time in the bathroom when we were out. I guessed it was bulimia or cocaine but my exW clued me in.

Edited August 23, 2011 by carhill

[giotto]

Funny, that almost happened to me when, one evening, I did let one of my exW's alcoholic friends wrestle the keys away from me and get into her car when I felt she had 'too much'. As we walked back to our car, which was parked on another street, she almost took us out as we were crossing the street.

 

Two years later, with her family destroyed (divorce in progress) and after detox, she's puffed up from anti-depressants but apparently sober. She took six months off from work for that process. I hope she remains in recovery. Superficially, she was a 'social drinker' like the OP's H. My tip-off....she seemed to spend a lot of time in the bathroom when we were out. I guessed it was bulimia or cocaine but my exW clued me in.

 

I'm not saying that the OP's husband is definitely not an alcoholic... he might well be, but we don't have enough info to come to that conclusion for sure. But ethyl (interesting name) is convinced. He/she might be right and with that nick and the reactions we are getting from him/her, he/she probably knows a lot more than us or has had some personal involvement with alcoholics. BTW, not all social heavy drinkers become alcoholics... sometimes, they see the light and stop or moderate massively (if it's not too late). I know a few.

 

Also, I think we are putting the OP off with all this talk about alcoholism...

[angie2443]

OK now I do hope you get hit by a drunk driver.

 

Satisfied?

 

I believe you are high jacking this thread. There are plenty of forums, threads, places to educate, lecture, vent, rage, or discuss the issues of over drinking (however you want to label this. I think you should go to one of these forums and leave this thread alone.

[angie2443]

OP, I think the central problem is not alcohol. I think the drinking is one way in which the problem comes out. At the same time, if all the alcohol in the world dissapeared, I would bet that your husband would still treat your poorly. From what I can here, he seems to not want to take responsibility for his actions. This allows him to have more freedom than the people who behave in a more mature way. From what I've seen, people like this rarely change. They are good at lying and fooling people into thinking that they've changed and this is where it gets hard to decide when to leave or stay. I hope you find a way out, whatever is going on with him.

[carhill]

But ethyl (interesting name) is convinced.

 

I'd leave the diagnosis to a professional but did provide some anecdotes from personal experience as examples of the potential. BTW, 'ethyl', meaning that OP's screenname, is an interesting one, in that it is toxic but is also a life-saver in small quantities, being the 'smell' in NG and LPG gases to detect leaks. Perhaps that dynamic is pertinent here, in that the OP's H is giving out little signals of a potentially larger and more dangerous problem. Hope they work it out.