angie2443 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Dear Ethyl, you seem desperate to label people as alcoholics, or enablers or whatever. My post said almost nothing about alcohol. My post was about my opinion that rather or not the drink is in the picture or not, the man was still going to be harmful in someway or another. I said nothing indicating that the husband should or shouldn't continue his drinking. If you read my post as a message saying it's fine for the guy to continue drinking, then you're not very bright. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Re-read Carhill's post please. she is talking about binge drinking, not alcoholism... you believe it is, some of us believe it's not. Are you an expert? If so, please say so, otherwise it's just our opinion against ours... and, please, stop calling people "dear", it's very patronising... Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Actually you posted twice dear. Your first post was a direct attack at me. Why? Only you know. Your second post started out by saying you thought alcohol was NOT the central problem. You're wrong. If the thread is titled "binge drinking" then your making a point of attacking me and attempting to claim alcohol is NOT the "central problem" is a form of enabling behavior on your part. Since you didn't respond to my question about whether you are yourself a drinker or in a relationship with a drinker and are coming at this thread through that defensive viewpoint, I will assume I am correct about that assumption. Yes, the thread has "binge drinking" in the title. The thread is not about drinking in general or alcoholism, but about how the drinking is causing problems in the relationship. From reading the posts of the OP, there is, in my opinion, a lot more going on besides the drinking. Some posters here, well, at least you, seem more concerned with giving the husband a particular label than advising the OP on how to get out of the situation. I don't think it matters if the husband is properly labled or not. None of us could officially diagnose him with anything unless we were trained counselors and were treating him. I think the important thing is that the OP recognizes that she is bieng hurt and finds a way out of the situation. For the record, I'm not much of a drinker, except when I get creative with cooking (which is not often). Then, I think it's fun to have a couple of glasses of wine. I've never been involved with a big drinker (however you want to label that). My opions about alcohol not bieng the central problem here, come from my observations in life and other places. I'm curious about something. I've seen your posts in a couple of other threads. You seem to have a chip on your shoulder or as someone else put it, you seem to like to "stir the pot". I would like to know your story, if you haven't already started a thread on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Maladjusted Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Olive, I do think that alcohol is a big part of the problem here. If he were to quit/cut back on his drinking, would he necessarily have the desire to go out until 3 am every Saturday? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Olive42 Posted August 24, 2011 Author Share Posted August 24, 2011 Thanks for all the responses...I was avoiding this thread because I found a certain poster to be obnoxious, but it seems he or she has gone away. My husband is going away for a long weekend for a bachelor party, and I plan to talk to him when he returns. Thanks to everyone's responses I have a good idea how I plan to approach this Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Bacherlor parties = lots of drinking & possibly things like hookers. Are you sure you want to let him do this? here we go again... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Olive42 Posted August 24, 2011 Author Share Posted August 24, 2011 Bacherlor parties = lots of drinking & possibly things like hookers. Are you sure you want to let him do this? here we go again... No kidding I suspect that this question is meant to "stir the pot" as someone else suggested earlier, but will play along. My husband and I have discussed my boundaries regarding bachelor parties, and I trust him to respect those boundaries. Regardless, my husband wouldn't touch a hooker with someone else's Link to post Share on other sites
Author Olive42 Posted August 24, 2011 Author Share Posted August 24, 2011 The person with whom my husband binge drinks with will not be in attendance. Thanks for your concern. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Olive42 Posted August 25, 2011 Author Share Posted August 25, 2011 Also if he's having about 15 drinks an outing, perhaps a few more, there's no way that costs $300.00. LoL...I find it hilarious that you think you know how much a bar tab costs in my location. What does $300 buy you where you're at? Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 You stated it was "irresponsible" for him to spend that much on a bar tab, but now you are defending the expenditure. 300/15 is $20/drink. Seems like a lot to me, and that's why you claimed to be upset about the size of the bar tab. I think you're entire story is a fabrication. Are you actually the drunkard, pretending to be the spouse of? maybe he drinks expensive champagne... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Olive42 Posted August 25, 2011 Author Share Posted August 25, 2011 You stated it was "irresponsible" for him to spend that much on a bar tab, but now you are defending the expenditure. 300/15 is $20/drink. Seems like a lot to me, and that's why you claimed to be upset about the size of the bar tab. I think you're entire story is a fabrication. Are you actually the drunkard, pretending to be the spouse of? If I agree with you, and promise that I will go to AA and drag every single person I know who has ever had a drink, or seen me drink and not stop me (I believe you would call this enabling?) along with me, will you stop posting in my thread? Or can someone tell me how to block this person? Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Or can someone tell me how to block this person? You can't block somebody from posting in a thread, but you can report the person to a moderator... Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I think you can still put people on "ignore" if you want. OP, is there anything you can tell us about your husband besides his drinking habits? It might give a better picture of everything that's going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Olive42 Posted August 25, 2011 Author Share Posted August 25, 2011 (edited) I think you can still put people on "ignore" if you want. OP, is there anything you can tell us about your husband besides his drinking habits? It might give a better picture of everything that's going on. It's easier to focus on his drinking, because it's less subjective - I can look at a calendar and say he went out drinking on these days; I can look at a receipt or a credit card bill and say he spent this much money at bars. I've tried to talk to him about things, but he always tells me I'm wrong. If I look at the kinds of things I think he is unsatisfied or unhappy about, I really think it just comes down to him wanting to be financially independent, not having to work, and not having any other responsibilities, whether they be caring for something/someone (houses, pets, kids, me), social commitments, etc. He doesn't have any hobbies or interests, except Facebook and being the most popular/funniest person everyone knows. I feel like he is unhappy with me, and resentful. He seems to want me to be everything and do everything - and I can't be everything, and I can't do everything myself. Even the roles he wants me to play are contradictory - he wants me to be the responsible one, but then gets mad at me for ruining the fun. I can't be the mother and the carefree 21 year old at the same time! Last night he actually said to me, I remember when you used to be fun once in a while. It's also often difficult to talk to him about things for several reasons, but one of which he seems to not want to talk about anything, and will do anything to avoid talking to me. One of the reasons I'm so unhappy is that I feel like my needs aren't being met, and I'm ashamed because I feel like my husband doesn't respect me. Edited August 25, 2011 by Olive42 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Back in the day when I did such things, it was not unusual for my tab to have drinks on it that I never drank. A $300 tab might sound excessive, but not if you bought drinks for others too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Olive42 Posted August 25, 2011 Author Share Posted August 25, 2011 Back in the day when I did such things, it was not unusual for my tab to have drinks on it that I never drank. A $300 tab might sound excessive, but not if you bought drinks for others too. That's true...even when you look at it that way, though, I don't want my husband wasting $300 in a bar. If he can't take me out for a nice dinner without whining, I don't want him spending that kind of money every weekend on alcohol. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Olive42 Posted August 25, 2011 Author Share Posted August 25, 2011 Whenever we get into a fight or argument (like we did last night), he ALWAYS will do something to try to make me go to him and act loving. If I say I can't talk to him about something anymore and leave the room, he will not come after me, but will yell after me to come back, and he will keep yelling until I do. He will say "come here" and try to get me to sit on his lap. He will nag me until I do, or else pull me onto his lap. He will ask me if I love him. It drives me ****ing crazy. Last night he fake offered to sleep on the couch, because he wanted me to insist that he sleep in bed and cuddle with me. I just kept telling him to sleep wherever he was most comfortable, so he finally asked directly if I wanted him to sleep next to me. I said "sure". So he flopped over on his other side in a huff. Then this morning he says "thanks for cuddling with me last night" then "oh that's right you didn't"...as though I had some responsibility to do so. Sorry for the little vent. Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Olive, I believe your husband is an abusive person. I didn't want to say this earlier, because I didn't want to jump to conclusions and then find out I was wrong. Abusive comes in degrees. It may never esculate to physical violence. However, there are certain traits and tactics that all abusive people share. Your husband has those traits. They blame shift. They put you down in ways so subtle it's hard to detect (the "you were fun once" comment). They are very often good at making you feel bad for them, or at making you feel confused, or stupid, or like you caused their anger. Please, don't focus on the fact that he might resent you or is angry. Unless you really are a nasty, nagging women ( really, do you think you are that horrible to deserve this), he is resentful and angry because he thinks you "owe" it to him to fill him up in whatever way he wants. I guess I'm concerned because I've seen so many people harmed by the same tactics that your husband is using and it really makes them doubt their sense of reality after a while. Please, at least when he does do the things that hurt you, remember that it has nothing to do with who you are or what you did. Start observing his behaviors and I think you will see a pattern. Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 "I've tried to talk to him about things, but he always tells me I'm wrong." red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 "he ALWAYS will do something to try to make me go to him and act loving. If I say I can't talk to him about something anymore and leave the room, he will not come after me, but will yell after me to come back, and he will keep yelling until I do. He will say "come here" and try to get me to sit on his lap. He will nag me until I do, or else pull me onto his lap. He will ask me if I love him" Does he converse with you in a calm way about how to comprimise (whatever the fight was about) or is he more interested in brushing it under the rug? If you say something hurts you, will he say "sorry" but repeat the hurtful action again in the future? Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I support angie's sentiments. There's not enough info in this thread for me to say 'your husband is abusive', but there are tons of red flags in what you write that indicate abusive behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Olive, you husband sounds very immature and selfish. $300 at a bar is absurd. If he does it every week.wow that is a mortgage payment. the drinking is problematic so if the attitude. I would insist he goes to counseling with you. What if he doesn't want to go or to change what will you do? Can you live like this indefinatly? Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 (edited) Last night he fake offered to sleep on the couch, because he wanted me to insist that he sleep in bed and cuddle with me. I just kept telling him to sleep wherever he was most comfortable, so he finally asked directly if I wanted him to sleep next to me. I said "sure". So he flopped over on his other side in a huff. Then this morning he says "thanks for cuddling with me last night" then "oh that's right you didn't"...as though I had some responsibility to do so. Sorry for the little vent. Punishment and twisting facts around to make you feel bad. Sorry for not putting all these little statements in one post. I never got the hang of the multi quote function. If you look at your situation a little and do think there is abuse going on, please avoid anything like marriage counseling. It can often make things worse. A marriage counselor almost always looks at the problems in the marriage as a dynamic created by both partners. In an abusive relationship, it is the abuser that creates the unhealthy dynamice. You can do mental backflips trying to change yourself or the way you relate to your husband and in the end, he won't change because he wants to control you. Also, abusive people are skilled at lying, minimalizing and so on. He can confuse the heck out of the counselor and you and know exactly what he is doing. Another thing to watch out for, if you open up to the counselor and explain how you are hurt by some of your husband's actions, you may be punished for it later, when you and your husband are alone. The punishment often appears to be unrelated to what your husband is really angry about. He may be extra cold to you. He may say something negative about you. There are many ways to "get back" at you for speaking the truth. I obviously don't know if your husband is abusive or not. I just hope you keep some of what I say in mind. Edited August 25, 2011 by angie2443 to explain further Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Olive42, your husband is abusive, and you are being emotionally abused. The crux of the matter is, as you said, your needs are not being met and you are unhappy. I recommend the book, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing, by Beverly Engel. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Emotionally-Abusive-Relationship-Abused-Abusing/dp/0471454036 As probably the most balanced and helpful book on the matter. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted August 26, 2011 Share Posted August 26, 2011 But the silver lining to this cloud is that the consensus opinion is that while he may have a "spending" problem of $300/week at bars he does not have a drinking problem. What's your problem? I mean, your sarcasm is just making you look like a right tit. Problem drinker? Alcoholic? Abuser? The Fourth Earl of Derby? Who gives a lemon-scented f*ck what label you think best fits? Does that label make her life better? Does you sarcasm and other verbal abuse towards someone in a difficult and hurtful situation serve any good purpose? Take a look at yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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