Is my coworker flirting, and why?

[recklesskelly]

I'll try to keep this as concise as possible and would appreciate any input. For the last few weeks, a coworker (I'll call her Erica) has been winking at me and saying hello in passing in the hallway, etc. So, I got up the nerve to talk to her, just to see what the deal was. Turns out she knows I'm married, and she's also in a committed relationship. Erica says she's been looking for a couple to hang out with her and her SO on the weekends, etc. To that end, I am certainly interested.

 

Since our first conversation, she has visited my cubicle at work, IM'd me online, and has casually touched my hands and arms, although it's hard to tell if the latter is due to her outgoing nature. She was also excited to learn that I was working late on a project one Saturday and said that she wanted to be there so we could hang out and talk, which we did for like 3 hours. The conversation never got really personal or anything, but it was nice to have a friend to discuss work issues with, etc. When Erica gets busy at work, she doesn't talk as much, which kind of confuses the situation, although it could certainly just be her keeping her priorities in order. I don't have much time to chat when I'm swamped, either...plus, talking online is never the same as in-person.

 

I'm happily married and have no intention of cheating on my wife, and I know well enough to keep this from becoming an emotional affair (or worse). Still, does this all seem a bit strange to you? I like Erica a lot, would absolutely love to have a friendship, and the idea of hanging out on a double date, etc. is certainly a great one. I do enjoy her flirting with me, and she continues to wink at me to this day. But, I know I must have boundaries and exercise self-control.

 

Is this simply looking for double date buddies, or is there more to this story? I appreciate your thoughts in advance and will provide any add'l info that would be of help. Thanks.

 

RK

Edited August 20, 2011 by recklesskelly

[imagine]

This thread has been here before: The result was that the poster put his marriage under strain. He escalated the relationship with the flirt until she eventually ostracized him.

 

Welcome to fantasy land. Time for you to learn about boundaries.

 

By the by, this other poster wrote for years -same beginning.

[recklesskelly]

This thread has been here before: The result was that the poster put his marriage under strain. He escalated the relationship with the flirt until she eventually ostracized him.

 

Welcome to fantasy land. Time for you to learn about boundaries.

 

By the by, this other poster wrote for years -same beginning.

 

Is it not realistic to think I could keep this as a flirtatious friendship? I take it by your reply that you feel she is kinda into me? I wish I knew what Erica's intentions were, and I'm trying to read between the lines to find out. The thing is, I don't have a lot of friends outside work and I don't want to shun this girl just because she likes flirting with me.

[BeyondtheClouds]

Is it not realistic to think I could keep this as a flirtatious friendship? I take it by your reply that you feel she is kinda into me? I wish I knew what Erica's intentions were, and I'm trying to read between the lines to find out. The thing is, I don't have a lot of friends outside work and I don't want to shun this girl just because she likes flirting with me.

 

It's not clear what she wants. She may just be an attention whore and she's recruiting you into that harem. When she needs to serve up adoring fans, you will be one of them.

 

Or maybe she is looking for a full blown affair. OR maybe she is positioning you just in case she wants a full blown affair to mess with her hsuband.

 

 

In any case, if you can find a GOOD reason for her behavior, then good for you. If you can't then I would say proceed with caution. The last thing you want is to come across as one of her "bitches" that she pulls out of a bg now and then.

[recklesskelly]

Excellent insight, Clouds. She's not married but has lived with a guy for 5 years. Kinda makes me wonder why they aren't married, although it's not uncommon for couples to live together without tying the knot. I admit I love her flirting but know I must tread lightly. What's the best approach to uncover her intentions? I'm certainly not going to ask, and besides, I think observing her actions would be much more telling. In your opinion, is the whole double date thing a front for something else?

[Woggle]

A wedding ring is a chick magnet. Any married man should know this so know what it is and keep it strictly business with her. You are her coworker and nothing more.

[recklesskelly]

A wedding ring is a chick magnet. Any married man should know this so know what it is and keep it strictly business with her. You are her coworker and nothing more.

 

I seriously didn't know that. What's the attractions with a married man? I'm certainly grateful for the replies, but the early consensus seems to be this is more than harmless flirting. It's strange that she asked about my wife from our first conversation - suggests she clearly saw my wedding ring. She did tell me she was glad I finally talked to her, and that honestly made me feel really good. Been a long time since anyone said something like that to me.

[jnj express]

If you are responding to her, as you say you are, you are already halfway to getting into trouble

 

Stay away from this woman----she probably is looking to swing, or do other kinky things----you do not need this kind of stuff if you are happily married----Do you not already have, a safe circle of friends?????

[Woggle]

I seriously didn't know that. What's the attractions with a married man? I'm certainly grateful for the replies, but the early consensus seems to be this is more than harmless flirting. It's strange that she asked about my wife from our first conversation - suggests she clearly saw my wedding ring. She did tell me she was glad I finally talked to her, and that honestly made me feel really good. Been a long time since anyone said something like that to me.

 

Some women want what other women have. Chances are her attraction to you is causing all sorts of problems in her relationships. If you have a happy do not go down this road.

[recklesskelly]

If you are responding to her, as you say you are, you are already halfway to getting into trouble

 

Stay away from this woman----she probably is looking to swing, or do other kinky things----you do not need this kind of stuff if you are happily married----Do you not already have, a safe circle of friends?????

 

I have friends, but not that many whose schedules mesh to hang out, etc. Here's someone who wants to hang out with me and my wife, and I really like that idea. Who knows if there's an intention to swing, etc. She doesn't seem the type and I wouldn't find that out until I hung out with her and the SO.

 

And, par for the women's course, she's hard to read. She left work yesterday without saying goodbye, have a good weekend, etc. Hard to make a definitive call that she's crazy about me with the ebb and flow of interactions. I've thought about her visiting my cubicle, though...said she was just passing through, but that made little sense given I'm in the opposite direction from where she was heading.

[Afishwithabike]

You're getting attention from her and you like it. She's flirting lightly with you and you like it.

 

Maybe nothing will happen. Maybe that self-control you have will keep you from doing something you'll deeply regret. Or, maybe you or she will take this one step further (Facebook interactions, texting, private emails) and then a while down the road, you'll take another step until you've done something you wouldn't want your spouse to know. You probably know how Emotional Affairs start. Most start out without any intention to cheat on the part of the married person. From that innocent attention, you might start looking forward to your interactions with her. Maybe you'll wear something to work hoping she'll notice. Maybe you look forward to seeing what she's wearing today at work. You start thinking/day dreaming about them. You think your friend may seem to understand you better than your spouse so you start sharing thoughts, feelings, ideas that you may not have shared with your spouse. Unlike a true friend who you can't imagine having sex with, you might start imagining what sex with this new special friend is like. What I'm trying to tell you is that it's easy for the lines to get blurry.

 

I'm not condemning you. I've had a similar experience at work. A well educated, fit, slightly younger married man at work started complimenting me, going out of his way to talk to me, asking me out to lunch (just the two of us), even trying to bring me little gifts to my office without any request or solicitation on my part. etc. Initially, it felt very good. I was flattered. After being married as long as I have, it felt nice to have some male attention from someone other than my spouse. He knew I was married. My office is plastered with photos of my child and my spouse. He was married too.

 

But then I started to realize that if the situation were reversed, I would be very uncomfortable with a female co-worker showing the same attention to my husband at his workplace. I think I would hurt her physically.

 

My situation didn't escalate to an EA, but it easily could have. His interest was there. I always loved my husband, but I didn't want to create a situation where he would ever doubt me so I decided to put some distance between me and this guy. I got busy when he came around to chit chat. I refused any invitations to go out with just him. I asked him to stop giving me gifts. I spoke a lot about my family. If he wanted to go out, it had to be when my spouse was available. So far we haven't gone out once since I said my husband had to come along too.

 

Don't go down this road of allowing her attention to make you feel good. It seems all innocent now. Office affairs don't just happen. They happen in a series of steps. You always have choices to put some distance with someone you think might be interested in you in a sexual/romantic way. You always have a choice to do something that won't jeopardize your primary relationship. In my case, I told my husband what happened at work. We both realized we needed to make more time to do things together. We are all vulnerable to an emotional affair, and knowing your vulnerability against it is actually a good thing. I've also realized that a small part of me likes external validation from others. Sometimes when the validation comes from one's spouse, you get desensitized to it, at least I did for a while. That's not a good thing. The point was I looked at my marriage and what more I could do to strengthen it instead of allowing a man at work to fill those emotional needs.

I seriously didn't know that. What's the attractions with a married man? I'm certainly grateful for the replies, but the early consensus seems to be this is more than harmless flirting. It's strange that she asked about my wife from our first conversation - suggests she clearly saw my wedding ring. She did tell me she was glad I finally talked to her, and that honestly made me feel really good. Been a long time since anyone said something like that to me.

 

I've heard some women are attracted to married men who show love and loyalty to another woman. There's something attractive about a man who has such good qualities. There's also some need in some women to compete with another woman and take her man. Whether this applies to all Other Women, I don't know..just that there are those out there.

Edited August 20, 2011 by Afishwithabike

[BeyondtheClouds]

****My situation didn't escalate to an EA, but it easily could have. ****

 

I would like to think not. That is, because you didn't want it to become an EA, you ensured that it didn't.

 

All those SO's, that posters here are talking about, could also have chosen not to have an EA or PA with their co-worker, neighbour, fellow club member, church parishioner, etc, if they were had chosen not to.

[recklesskelly]

Some outstanding feedback here, and it helps to know that others have been in a similar situation. I feel I'd know how to handle this problem better if I knew what she was thinking. To that end, it feels like a chess match...she flirts, I react, I undoubtedly return the flirting, we don't talk for a bit, then the cycle repeats. If I had irrefutable evidence that this was nothing more than a double date interest, I'd be confident with how to proceed.

 

If I'm being honest, I feel I could absolutely prevent myself from having a physical affair...it's the emotional affair that concerns me. On the surface, it doesn't seem as bad, but I know the consequences can actually be far dire. I really want to be friends with Erica and even have it bloom into a close friendship (not sexual, of course), but finding that balance to nudge the relationship in that direction will be tough.

 

One big no-no I've read on these boards is never hang out with someone alone. That sucks for me because I love going out to lunch with people, etc. I do get where they're coming from, though...it doesn't take look to emotionally attach to someone. Even if she was invited as part of a group, her inclusion might suggest that I'm looking for more.

 

I guess I'll lay low for now. She's so nice and fun to talk to and I don't want to close her out completely if I don't have to. I understand this may become an option at some point, though, and I'd like to think I the EA ref flag would rise pretty easily.

Edited August 20, 2011 by recklesskelly

[Try]

To that end, it feels like a chess match...she flirts, I react, I undoubtedly return the flirting, we don't talk for a bit, then the cycle repeats.

it's the emotional affair that concerns me. On the surface, it doesn't seem as bad, but I know the consequences can actually be far dire. I really want to be friends with Erica and even have it bloom into a close friendship (not sexual, of course), but finding that balance to nudge the relationship in that direction will be tough

These and other quotes show that you are way, way, way too into this co-worker already. If she wants to take it further and into an EA, you would be there. An EA is a relationship that would make a reasonable SO uncomfortable with it. If your wife saw this thread, she would not be too happy about it and for good reason. You are not a bad person for being strongly attracted to this co-worker, but you need walk away from the fire.

[recklesskelly]

After taking in all of his advice and sleeping on it, I know what I have to do. This girl is on my mind a lot, so the EA has already started. It will be painful distancing myself from her, but I need to for the sake of both our relationships. I do feel guilty that Erica is in my head so much and I really want to shake that. I'm a married man now and can't let this puppy love/infatuation stuff impact my life. I guess I really liked the attention but my conscience knew all along this was playing with fire. I suppose I should be thankful I'm stopping this before it gets worse, but at the moment, it certainly doesn't feel like a victory.

[recklesskelly]

Double post deleted.

Edited August 21, 2011 by recklesskelly

[Afishwithabike]

After taking in all of his advice and sleeping on it, I know what I have to do. This girl is on my mind a lot, so the EA has already started. It will be painful distancing myself from her, but I need to for the sake of both our relationships. I do feel guilty that Erica is in my head so much and I really want to shake that. I'm a married man now and can't let this puppy love/infatuation stuff impact my life. I guess I really liked the attention but my conscience knew all along this was playing with fire. I suppose I should be thankful I'm stopping this before it gets worse, but at the moment, it certainly doesn't feel like a victory.

 

I hope you distance yourself from her. Just talk business/work. Don't continue developing this attachment to her. Whatever you do, you shouldn't tell Erica that you find her attractive and think about her a lot. That's a bad idea.

 

You said you found her fun to talk to. Is your wife not fun to talk to? Maybe you need a way to inject some fun in to your marriage.

[recklesskelly]

*eye roll*

 

I only have one thing to say to this guy's post.

 

I'm glad I'm not his wife, and bless the woman's future broken heart...

 

I never said I wanted to cheat on my wife. This isn't an easy thing to deal with.

[Try]

*eye roll*

 

I only have one thing to say to this guy's post.

 

I'm glad I'm not his wife, and bless the woman's future broken heart...

I never said I wanted to cheat on my wife. This isn't an easy thing to deal with.

The fact that you do not think that this is "an easy thing to deal with" is why lovelyg said it.

[recklesskelly]

So, we were talking today...just casual work stuff, etc., and she spoke a lot about her SO. That made me feel a lot better and gives me hope for a friendship after all. She intruded my mind because I really enjoyed the attention and possibility of being desired, even if nothing was to come of it. The fact that there may be strictly friendship intent here takes a lot of the pressure off, IMO.

 

I just that was more evident from the start...all the flirting and asking questions threw me off. I've never known many women to start talking to guys strictly because they'd like a double date partner.

[jnj express]

Hey RK---you keep throwing excuse, after excuse up---You are already inappropriate

 

YOU SHOULD NOT BE SPENDING ONE DA*N MINUTE THINKING ANYTHING ABOUT THIS WOMAN WHATSOEVER

 

Did you happen to forget something---Oh Yes, you are MARRIED----Who cares which way she goes, or why she does things----it is non of your BUSINESS----once again have you forgotten something---Oh yes YOU ARE MARRIED

[Afishwithabike]

So, we were talking today...just casual work stuff, etc., and she spoke a lot about her SO. That made me feel a lot better and gives me hope for a friendship after all. She intruded my mind because I really enjoyed the attention and possibility of being desired, even if nothing was to come of it. The fact that there may be strictly friendship intent here takes a lot of the pressure off, IMO.

 

I just that was more evident from the start...all the flirting and asking questions threw me off. I've never known many women to start talking to guys strictly because they'd like a double date partner.

 

I don't think you should have any friendship with this woman at all. You think about her. You like her attention. You like her flirting with you. You like her winking at you and touching you lightly on the arms. It almost sounds like you would take it one step further if she wanted to take it one step further.

 

It's interesting that you haven't said anything at all about your wife other than to say you're happily married. Work on your marriage. Make it interesting and fun. Your wife can't be Erica. She can't get a personality transplant, but there must be things in your marriage that can be improved.

 

I don't know if your wife works, but supposing she does, would you like her to fantasize about some other man, have him flirt with her, show her attention, etc?

[recklesskelly]

Update time...I think I've seen enough to determine I'm really just a playful work diversion. She talks and flirts when she's in a good mood, but on bad days, I'm mostly ignored. It's irritating dealing with someone whose mood vacillates all the time. In the same week, she ate lunch with me, offered to stay late at work when I was having car trouble, and said she was worried about me. On the flip side, on another day, she didn't acknowledge me in the hall, IM me, or drop by my cubicle when extended an invitation.

 

I'm not sure if she's confused or moody, but either way, I'm sick of it. I feel like an idiot for being a pawn in some whacky game. I've felt a lot of emotions with her, but this is the first time I'm pissed. I hope I can avoid her like the plague Monday, but she always seems to seek me out when I yank the attention away from her.

[recklesskelly]

I'm thinking that I won't initiate any contact, but if she IMs me or something, I will be cordial but not flirtatious. I won't ask any questions about her weekend, etc., unless she asks the same question first. This sound like a good plan? I bet she will wonder why the invitations to hang out on breaks have stopped.

[Keke1]

Update time...I think I've seen enough to determine I'm really just a playful work diversion. She talks and flirts when she's in a good mood, but on bad days, I'm mostly ignored. It's irritating dealing with someone whose mood vacillates all the time. In the same week, she ate lunch with me, offered to stay late at work when I was having car trouble, and said she was worried about me. On the flip side, on another day, she didn't acknowledge me in the hall, IM me, or drop by my cubicle when extended an invitation.

 

I'm not sure if she's confused or moody, but either way, I'm sick of it. I feel like an idiot for being a pawn in some whacky game. I've felt a lot of emotions with her, but this is the first time I'm pissed. I hope I can avoid her like the plague Monday, but she always seems to seek me out when I yank the attention away from her.

 

Its ok man no sane person thought you would actually stop this mess anyway. Just don't come with that "It just happened" Shi t. You are going to hurt your wife and you don't give a damn. Carry on.