midwestconfusion Posted May 3, 2004 Share Posted May 3, 2004 Well, a while ago, I had posted about developing a crush on another man which ultimately led to a shared kiss and playful flirtation. I felt very guilty about it and tried to examine the reason behind my inclination to stray and after much deliberation I realized what that reason was. I tried very hard to put it out of my head and work towards repairing what was apparently missing in my marriage of nearly 10 years and it seemed to be working. I avoided this crush for a few weeks yet did ultimately run into him again. Instantly I found myself drawn to him, yet continued to tell myself that it wasn't worth it. Sadly, that didn't prevent me from yet another kiss to be shared. Afterwards, I couldn't stop asking myself why I would do such a thing when deep down inside I know I've got an amazing man who loves me. Sure, we have our problems, but we're working on them and things have been going very well. I guess it came down to temptation and me being too weak to not give in. I know, no excuse. So as I continued to struggle between temptation and regret, this man suddenly began to show me a whole different side of himself. Instead of being the intelligent, witty, charismatic man that I had come to know him as, he started to behave in a manner that was crude, offensive, degrading and immature. I was instantly turned off and disgusted with him, making my regret and guilt run even deeper. I can't help but constantly kick myself to realize that I allowed myself to get sucked into a facade. To give into temptation based on false pretenses simply because this man showed me all of the qualities and attention that my husband failed to. I was lacking in self esteem, in appreciation, in attention and this crush entered into the scene at a time when I was at my lowest and weakest. He did and said all the right things to lead me to actually contemplate the future of my marriage. I allowed myself to be sucked into his charm, wit and attentiveness to the point of exchaging not one, but TWO kisses, only to come to find out that he apparently had nothing more than some "notch on the headboard" intention with me. He had me so fooled and I feel like such a fool as a result. And now I'm literally sick to my stomach with shame and guilt that I don't know what to do. I refuse to hurt my husband by telling him what happened because he doesn't deserve to suffer the pain that would cause him. This whole experience has shown me how to appreciate my marriage and has taught me more than I ever could have imagined. Our marriage has been far from perfect, not only interpersonally, intimately or affectionately, but we have also been battling with a lot of circumstancial problems as well which have been making things very stressful for both of us. But like I said, we have been working on these things and making progress, which has actually compounded my guilt because I've been able to see just how good a man he is and how much I was actually risking. At the time it didn't seem like much, but that's all changed. I guess I just needed to share this experience with someone. I just can't believe I could have been so blind. All I can say is thank goodness I had enough control to stop at a kiss because there were plenty of chances over the past months for it to go much further, yet I refrained. But this guilt I'm feeling is so intense. I just wish I could turn back time!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted May 3, 2004 Share Posted May 3, 2004 What you don't realize that you are hurting your husband by not telling him. Yes, what you did was wrong but I'm sure he has done somethings wrong as well. You need to be honest with him, otherwise your guilt will just eat you alive. Be honest, and then look up a licensed marriage councilor. I just went to my first one on Saturday and it has already helped alot. Don't play down the problems in your marriage. It's obvisously bad enough that you strayed a little. Be glad you didn't have sex with him. That is usually a deal breaker. You need to go in on some of the problems you are having in detail. Sounds like he's voiding you of affectionate, etc. Why may that be? How does your typical arguement go about? I've been reading a book that deals with arguements & relationship and what I've learned is so far, true. During your typical arguement, most men will feel like they disappointed their mate, which to a guy is a hurtful thing. The guy's reaction is to then justify why you shouldn't feel hurt, this is our natural instinct, to protect ourselves from feeling that disappointment. A guy loves to feel like he's your 'knight in shining armor'. A women then, typically will then feel like she's not understood or her feelings are validated which then the arguements really start. It's all about miscommunication. Most people during an arguement will 'fight' or 'flight'. Fighting is to argue your point til you get what you want. This person then thinks by winning this arguement, he or she has then validated their point and has made their mate understand. Understanding & validation is a way to bring two people closer together. But this actually has the opposite affect on your mate. Even if the mate agrees, inside they feel isolated and defeated. They will withdrawl from you emotionally. 'Flight' is when the other person agrees to everything, and will do anything to avoid an arguement. Though the person on the other end may seem everything is ok, the person using this 'flight' method goes into their cave and sets up emotional walls which will lead to the inevidable. They lose a big part of themselves in this process. You two really need to see a councilor. Waiting too long will have too much water under the bridge to have to hurdle over. Finding out the root cause of your arguements and defeating them now, will only make you two happier as a couple. You cannot do this on your own. You two NEED a councilor. But before even going to one, you need to be honest with him and yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted May 3, 2004 Share Posted May 3, 2004 I agree with jmargel that you should tell your husband. I don't advocate a "tell all" policy; but in this case, you are actually doing more damage by NOT sharing with him. Yes, your husband will be hurt to hear of the kiss(es) and possible EA. But he will be thrilled to understand what you've learned about yourself and your marriage, and how much you appreciate him. Chances are you have already aroused his curiosity and concern with your behavior, so if you tell him it was "just" two kisses, it will come as something of a relief. And be glad it didn't go farther. And go sign up for some counselling and start improving your marriage so you both can find the ultimate fulfillment within it. Don't carry this burden alone anymore. Marriage is a partnership, and you need to let your husband be there for you and help you with this problem. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author midwestconfusion Posted May 3, 2004 Author Share Posted May 3, 2004 Unfortunately I had put a lot of thought into the disclosure issue and although I know I probably deserve it, my marriage would be over if I were to tell him what happened. As you've said, he did get suspicious and even began to question my relationship with this particular other man. I did let him know that I did have a crush on him and why and he didn't take it very well, but accepted my honesty. However, having been with my husband for 10 years, I know him very well and over those years, as we've seen friends and family members stray from their SO by way of "just a kiss", my husband was ademant about his opinion about that and how it was a "deal breaker", ie., the marriage was over. I know I just could not live with myself if I were to lose my husband and that is one of the lessons I learned from this whole ordeal, but knowing him like I do, I know that it would be over if I were to be upfront about it. Honesty may be the best policy, but in this case, absolutely no good could come out of it for either of us. That's why I have decided that it would be best for me to walk away from this experience with lessons learned, suffer with my guilt as punishment and carry on with repairing the aspects of my marriage that need it. It may not be the "right" thing to do or the "healthy" thing, but I just couldn't bear the alternative, nor could he. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted May 3, 2004 Share Posted May 3, 2004 You never mentioned anything about going to counciling. You seriously need to consider this. You will not fix these problems by yourself. That's something I can guarantee. If you goto counciling the episodes of you kissing that guy will come out, eventually. So, it's upto you. If he loves you enough he will overcome that. If he finds out years from now, all the good times you two had in between will feel tainted to him. Do you really want him to be with you & love you under false pretenses? I find it hard to believe he would give up 10 years of marriage because you kissed someone. Yes, he'll be angry and he might say some awful things, but once his emotions straighten out he might agree that you two have issues that need to be sorted out. Now is the time to do this, don't let things get worse. Link to post Share on other sites
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