maria_patheticsoul Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 In my previous post i was complaining and being paranoid with my SO. I have been thinking a lot that maybe i am not so good communicating with him. When he went back to UK as i know he will be very busy sorting out things i dont really often send him sms maybe once a day just to say good morning and that i love him and miss him. We dont skype because of the time difference. He calls once a week for a few minutes. Today he is scheduled to go back to shanghai and i am thinking again if i am going to send him sms because i am expecting for his sms or perhaps a call from him just to update or inform me of his flight back to shanghai. These days are hard for me i am so used to talking to him even when he is in the office working via skype so it feels like he is just near but when he went back to UK it's so devastating for me as i did not know if it's right to txt him when i know he is busy. Besides he replies very late and i hate it. Link to post Share on other sites
GrainofSalt Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 (edited) I am currently in a similar situation right now the only difference been I think I know what she is up too and I am not sure of the right move to take. I dont know how your relationship was prior to this recent situation you are in but using my own problem as an example, I have never had to question her loyalty to me until now that she started using some online 3D chat site, speaking to other guys and spending less time with me. So I have been quick to label it an addiction and something which could destroy my relationship which is probably true. But I also realised that perhaps I have grown too accustom to the attention and now that it has changed, I am having all kinds of withdrawal symptoms like been paranoid, creating unnecessary tension when having conversations etc which can in turn push her away even further. So in my case, we might both have our addictions. I am not saying you shouldnt do anything because when the relationship starts to feel like it is taking a different course, you need to be proactive and cautious but make sure that you check yourself and try to do things that make you feel good about yourself and not just thinking about the situation and what to do about it. Edited August 20, 2011 by GrainofSalt Link to post Share on other sites
Author maria_patheticsoul Posted August 21, 2011 Author Share Posted August 21, 2011 I think the problem was me not being so 100% open with him that resulted me being paranoid at times. He tries his best to dig in deeper but i still hold back. He has this thing with this website but i dont question him about it as i dont worry at all...it's his space and his thing and i have my own he doesnt question it either and we both enjoy our own thing but making sure it will not jeopardise the relationship. But i dont tag it as addiction. Him being away for weeks made me realize some of my loop holes and i have decided to work on it. Feeling paranoid at times i think can not be avoided when you are in ldr best is to communicate in any ways you can. If we have queries that makes us uncomfortable best is to ask right away so it will not escalate into a much bigger problem. I lack that ability but i will try my best he has been doing all the efforts and i think im doing less only because i still doubt him. But now i am 80% sure about his feelings. I sent him a txt message last night and after a few hours he called me up and informed me that he is on a stop over going to shanghai from london. He even sent a txt message at 4:30am telling me that his flight was 3 hours delayed as i am expecting him to be back in shanghai at 2:30pm today. I see he is being responsible and active regarding these things because he knows i will be pissed off. I just hope i can keep up with him for this to work out. Link to post Share on other sites
GrainofSalt Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 How long have you been in this relationship for? Also has there been any incident or instance were the trust between you two was broken or got seriously affected? I ask because you have doubts and have a percentage value about his feelings. It is also interesting that you are the one worrying/being paranoid because you said you are quite reserved with your communication while he tends to push for a dialogue. Usually it is the one who tries to open a discussion that often results to been the paranoid one, especially if he/she keeps failing at their attempts. Its definitely the right step to admit to your own faults but don't make them an excuse for any mistakes that has been made in the past by him, well depending on what they are and if they even exist. I wish my problem was this light -_-. I am seriously contemplating giving up after fighting for so long. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maria_patheticsoul Posted August 26, 2011 Author Share Posted August 26, 2011 Been in a relationship with this guy for a few months now but we already had a relationship 2 1/2 years ago did not work out because he vanished. Maybe i was not being open with him 100% as i hate the feeling that someone is getting to know me that well but i am working on it now so far so good. I dont really ask to many questions i just wait for him to tell me anything that is in his mind as i like him doing that to me also but i guess he is just really like that asking too many questions and we often argue before about me not being open with him. I just want to feel as comfy as i can having this long distance relationship...i clearly know where this one will lead both of us..yes we discussed about marriage and me moving with him in china but as we all know nothing is certain in this world so i am keeping my fingers crossed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maria_patheticsoul Posted August 26, 2011 Author Share Posted August 26, 2011 How long have you been in this relationship for? Also has there been any incident or instance were the trust between you two was broken or got seriously affected? I ask because you have doubts and have a percentage value about his feelings. It is also interesting that you are the one worrying/being paranoid because you said you are quite reserved with your communication while he tends to push for a dialogue. Usually it is the one who tries to open a discussion that often results to been the paranoid one, especially if he/she keeps failing at their attempts. Its definitely the right step to admit to your own faults but don't make them an excuse for any mistakes that has been made in the past by him, well depending on what they are and if they even exist. I wish my problem was this light -_-. I am seriously contemplating giving up after fighting for so long. Yes there was...he vanished 2 1/2 years ago when he was about to meet me in person. So that is the reason why i am still doubting his feelings for me and i am rating his feelings. But yeah he changed a lot after we got back together again he is showing a lot of efforts making me feel he really loves me. Link to post Share on other sites
GrainofSalt Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 That he got cold feet when he was about to meet you and disconnecting all communications is really disheartening and raises a number of flags. It certainly makes sense to be cautious and guarded. I hope that both of you, well him to be specific, was able to explain what and why he vanished for a period. I say this because, it could be a potential problem if this was not fully resolved and swept under the carpet. You are pretty much like my SO because she doesn't like to talk as much and can be difficult when trying to see things in other people's way. I am allot more expressive, especially in my thoughts and down to my physical/facial expressions. I tend to write allot of words which she calls journals. She doesnt like that but I have been reserved in past relationships and all it led to was secrecy and heartbreaks. So I try to control how I choose to express myself to her. He definitely needs to win back your trust because without it, this can never go anywhere and you should also give him a rope to hang on too. Relationship is all about give and take (vice versa). It is knowing when and how that can be tricky. You should feel comfortable in a relationship but bear in mind that it takes two(or more* lol) to be in one. Your decisions and actions do affect your partner and the only way to get that balance of comfort is knowing how to compromise. So as much as you like to do X this way, you should also ask yourself how X affects him and if it is fair to both of you. How you feel about him is the reason why after a disconnect in the relationship, you are still willing to give it a shot. So its definitely worth finding out if you guys can still walk this path once again without any setbacks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maria_patheticsoul Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 God knows how i so much for this relationship to work out...he changed a lot after vanishing so much effort he is giving into this relationship i guess the question is what i really like...he is starting to talk about marriage and moving in together..well me going to china and live with him and i get so uncomfortable with that thought. But yeah i guess not the right time to discuss with him about how i feel. I am still trying to work out on how to be open with him 100% as i believe if i can not be open with him 100% then i guess i can not entrust him my whole life for the rest of it. I sometimes feel of backing off a bit as i think he is really getting serious problem is i dont know how to tell him to slow down it might break his heart. He explained very well why he vanished and i understood that and he avoids showing a little bit of hint that he is at it again. It gets into my nerves he being too nozy and likes to know what i am doing everyday but i dont go out and i dont mingle a lot so it's tiring to answer all his questions as there is nothing much happening at my end.He said it bothers him a lot if i dont say something about what i am doing or what i am not doing sometimes i make excuses not to chat with him for a day...i feel that's a relief. Link to post Share on other sites
breakfastmeat Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 What? You're discussing marrying someone you've never met?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author maria_patheticsoul Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 Lol i am just saying what he is telling me actually? He is the one discussing about marriage i am just listening to what he is saying. He booked his flight for September 18 that is if nothing unfortunate will happen to him again as always. He said he can not wait until December when we are supposed to go to Brussels. We will see where this goes. Link to post Share on other sites
GrainofSalt Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Now i understand where this is going. If you still want the relationship to work, You need to seize control of things. He must either feel threatened or paranoid by his own thoughts. Perhaps mixed signals have been sent in the past or this change you keep talking about, has made him too cautious and also very proactive in trying to show you his feelings, affection towards you and hence all the future plans talk. Its all a survival mechanism that he probably doesn't want to lose this relationship. So my advice will be to simply let him know he has nothing to worry about. Emphasize that there is REALLY NOTHING to worry about and he should relax because you have taken notice that he is trying to show how committed he is or wants to be but in order for this to work or succeed, he should just tone it down a bit. You have to do abit of holding hands to calm and stop him in his tracks. Assure him, there will be time for all this and that its important he understands want you are trying to say. You wont be in the relationship if you didnt want the same thing so now its time for both of you to get back in sync and cut all the haste. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maria_patheticsoul Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 Now i understand where this is going. If you still want the relationship to work, You need to seize control of things. He must either feel threatened or paranoid by his own thoughts. Perhaps mixed signals have been sent in the past or this change you keep talking about, has made him too cautious and also very proactive in trying to show you his feelings, affection towards you and hence all the future plans talk. Its all a survival mechanism that he probably doesn't want to lose this relationship. So my advice will be to simply let him know he has nothing to worry about. Emphasize that there is REALLY NOTHING to worry about and he should relax because you have taken notice that he is trying to show how committed he is or wants to be but in order for this to work or succeed, he should just tone it down a bit. You have to do abit of holding hands to calm and stop him in his tracks. Assure him, there will be time for all this and that its important he understands want you are trying to say. You wont be in the relationship if you didnt want the same thing so now its time for both of you to get back in sync and cut all the haste. Yeah i guess so too...he is being cautious that i noticed he doesn't want me hurt in any way so even the things he says he is being careful. And for the first time we did discussed about the things we can joke about unlike before we just joke away not knowing we are hitting the limit. Unfortunately he is in the hospital right now he had three broken toes and he hates my phone network as he can not get through we were not able to chat for days as he just moved into a new place he needed to do things so i told him to finish all the things he needs to do and he dropped the flat screen on his toes while trying to put it in the wall...so clumsy. But yeah he calls just to let me know what he is doing so it's good. I just want him here as soon as possible as i believe that you will never know how a person really is until you've been with this person for real. Yeah we know the basic things about each other but the little things we need to find out like the annoying habits. I am still crossing my fingers until he come as i still feel something will happen and his visit will be postponed again...well that is so him. I asked him once if he is happy with our relationship and he right away sensed that i am feeling low about something but i was not feeling low about something i just wanted to know if he is happy. Well i hope he really is happy. Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 Bye bye spammer just do the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maria_patheticsoul Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 who are you calling spammer if i may ask? Link to post Share on other sites
creighton0123 Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 who are you calling spammer if i may ask? There was a spam post on the thread that must have gotten flagged and deleted. Link to post Share on other sites
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