I don't understand him

[Hushpuppy]

[font=courier new][/font][color=black][/color]I don't understand him. My year wedding anniversary is just around the corner. He says he'll eat the cake by himself. I have been dumped. He doesn't understand that in a marriage one, the first two years are the hardest. Two, you never give up. It seems like he fell out of love with me. I still have hope but not much. This weekend we divided up more stuff and packed. i am leaving in two weeks. I found a bunch of our wedding pictures and that just killed me. I love him so deeply, but when i show it he gets so mean. i am trying to move on. I will be moving in with my parents. Nothing like a 28 years living with her parents. Yesterday i was busy and got the hint that he wanted time alone. so i left for 4 hours, watched a movie, etc. when i returned he said, "Why didn't u ask if i wanted to go?" also he left on the computer an article about relationships and lying. i have a problem with little white lies. I don't know why, i want help. But he doesn't believe in us or me. i need my family. everyday is such a struggle. i love him so much and i want to take care of him forever. I do believe in fate and if fate has it, we will be together. And if is doesn't then so be it. I will start a new life at 28. i feel so alone.

Gina

[bluechocolate]

Hushpuppy - your post on a rainy Monday morning - very sad

 

In an earlier post you talked about how you have to change, getting rid of pets, losing weight, working on your insecurity. In this post you talk about him not believing in "us or me" and that you don't understand him.

 

How is it that you have all the problems? Why is it that you have to do all the changing to save your relationship? You've been together for 4 years, 1 of them married - so you two have a history. Didn't he know about your foibles before marrying you? Have you two gone to marriage counselling? Have you sought out some outside counselling to deal with all of your problems? Have the two of you gone to marriage counselling?

 

You sound upset & quite sad - I'm sorry for that. If your marriage is over I hope that you can work on your problems ( whatever it is that they are ) and become happy again.

[Hushpuppy]

[font=courier new][/font][color=black][/color]You are right, I shouldn't be the one with all the problems. I figure if I take the blame I might be able to save it. No we have not gone to marriage counseling because he refuses to. Both our parents advised to go, but he says no. And apparently this problem has been here for 2 years. He told me in the last year they got worse and he did the stupid thing and thought marriage would fix it. I have been living an illusion of us being happy. I never realized that he was unhappy. His work makes him travel quite frequently, about a week a month. This isn't bad, I try to do something to the house each time. I know it makes him happy. We I just changed jobs and my work now makes me travel. It is not often but it is for 5 weeks at a time. I went on one of these trips and the first 2 weeks were normal, and then the third, this all started. When I returned I asked what was his turning point, he said "When I realized that I like you not being around." This just ripped my heart out and smashed it. I know I have some issues, I recognize that. He does blame me for it, saying I have been throwing this away. And I sometimes think, maybe it is best that I move on. I know that it will take a long time before I can fully open my heart up again. This hurt so badly, I am afraid that I couldn't survive through another. I am considering maybe seeing a counselor of some sort when I fully move out. My mom is frantic and scared for me. 28 and living with her parents, that is pathetic. but i know there is a lot of love in that house for me, and that is what i need. I will get over this. I just hope I don't mess up again. Thank you for your advice, it helps a lot.

Gina

[Gatsby]

Your story sounds like mine. Only I had 15 years invested, almost 11 married. My wife said most of the same things your husband is and acted much the same way. She says she just has no feeling. Like you I took all the responsibility and blame for my faults but she refuses to acknowledge anything she has done in harming the relationship. Just recently she said some things that made me realise she probably didn't really want to get married but couldn't find a way to back out. So for ten years she has been building up all the little faults that go with marriage without confronting them. Then uses this as a justification to fall out of love.

 

I know it doesn't help and not what you want to hear but it's better that it happened now. Don't let him lay everything on you. If he doesn't want to go to counseling, it's his choice. If he doesn't want to talk, it's his choice. You aren't the one choosing to end the relationship and should not be feeling guilty. Trust me. I tried all the reasoning, the pleading for forgiveness, the promises to change. It got me nothing because she had already made HER choice. That makes it her responsibility. Granted she was a little more tactful in her choice of words than your husband seems to be.

 

Believe me, I am not telling you to just get over it and move on. You have to deal with it in your own way, just like I am, but you will get through it. It is so confusing because your love is still so real while his obviously never was. That's a hard concept to come to terms with. I know. Do get help if you are that low. I almost had to.

 

Regardless of what happens, don't fall into that trap of fate. Fate is a lie. Fate is a crutch we use so we don't have to take responsibility for ourselves. Everything in life is a choice. Sometimes we don't always make the right choice. Sometimes the only choice we can make is how we react to something. But ultimately WE are the ones responsible for our happiness. Don't let your husband take that power away from you.

 

Rember, you both made a choice to commit your lives to one another. You choose to honor that commitment. He is choosing to abandon it. Who do you think the stronger person is?

[Hushpuppy]

Well today i am packing. i am taking the summer off. I will stay with my parents. today i asked my husband, the few times we had sex, why he insisted on condoms. His response was, I don't think you have been faithfull. I now know that because of his past he will never trust any woman. Maybe he can see through this and we'll get back together. I dream of that happening but I know him and he is not that type. I just wish we didn't get married less than a year ago. If I knew that we were headed this way I would have walked away then. This hurts so much, I just want to die. I know I can move on but I know that in my future, if were are to divorce, I will be afraid to give my heart away again. I did and look where is got me. I am so hurt, I just want to drink myself dead. But I won't. I have 2-3 days here then a 12 hour drive. My family will make me feel so much better. I look forward to that. Well I need to continue packing. Thank you for listening, it helps so much.