Anyone had a Revenge Affair?

[FL510]

5 years ago my wife divulged to me she had multiple affairs, before and during our marriage. One night stands, long term things.....it was bad. We had many tough nights, struggled, went to therapy, and over the years worked it out and moved on. So I thought. She did anything and everything to make it right. She struggled, worked very hard and was completely transpanent with everything and now, I can honestly say I implicently trust her. I am 42, She 34. We have 3 great kids 9,7,6. I am blessed with a fantastic well paying job and we own a nice home. Fast forward to 3 years ago, I drank one night, got online...can't even really remember where, but struck up a conversation with a girl (21). Talked for a few weeks, met at a local restuarant, and spent the next 2 1/2 years involved in a highly physical and emotional relationship.

I won't lie. This was easy for me to do. I used the pain she inflicted on me as some kind of messed up self-justification. She was smart, attractive and....well....21. I broke it off for 9 months, and thought I moved on. I thought she moved on as well. I chalked it up to a dumb thing I did to get back at her, and put it to bed. No harm. The email account I used for this activity went unused completely (should have deleted it entirely) until 2 weeks ago. Another few drinks one night, I decided to check it. She sent me 3 or 4 emails, I answered, we met for lunch only, in a public place just to be safe, it was agreed, and catch up. An hour later we were having sex in her apartment. This has been repeated several times over the last few weeks, and I find myself in this "fog" I keep hearing about, but it is much worse this time. I know she is younger, I know this is wrong, and I know where I am posting this so I do not expect any pitty at all. I am in love with this person. Fog? perhaps, but I have known her for 3 years. I love my wife and respect her completely. I respect the work she did to save this marriage. I hate myself for throwing it away.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi there,

 

My husband is a serial cheater and I understand the emotional ****-kicking it gives you.

 

I also understand the emotions that go into wanting that revenge affair.

 

I came close. Very close.

 

Now that being the case, let's cut the crap: you feel like wife pretty much gave you a ticket to have an affair because really, what the Hell could she say about it?

 

So let's assume that you affairs and her affairs cancel each other out.

You know damn well that you probably aren't going to tell her because you know what it put you through and she has worked hard and done a proper recovery to get away from those things. You don't want to throw her back into the pit, but you have. Life's tough.

 

You probably also feel that she should've kinda expected this, right?

 

Sadly enough in my vast years of experience on this planet: spouses tend to mirror each other in terms if relational health. You were probably just as needy for love as she was. She gets healthier and more independent. You stay needy for that validation that you didn't get from her before. Especially on a sexual level. Wife banged half the planet so you have to prove you could make it in the sack, enter 21 year old. What man after having been through the ringer like that wouldn't want to be wanted by a younger woman.

 

Plus it's "your little secret" just like your wife had "her many secrets."

 

Now clearly this arrangement isn't satisfying or you wouldn't be here.

 

It isn't enough and it hasn't given you all of what you need. You can't Blane your wife anymore. Your gf isn't all of the missing pieces either, as fun as it may be to avoid your real life with her.

 

So what is missing? Forgiveness? Honesty? Self-worth? The feeling of meaning in your life?

 

We both know that your gf shouldn't be part of the equation at all. Even just for the sake of your kids. (don't get me started or play the justification game).

Since the pain your w caused you cannot be used as the justification anymore considering the fact that this relationship ceased and then restarted.... What are you using for justification now?

 

What are you really avoiding? Have you not dealt with the pain? Got some childhood crap kicking around? By the way, guilt is a feeling of avoidance too. If you are feeling anger and guilt, dig deeper. See what the real need inside is that is being neglected. Is it love? Sex? Power over what life is throwing you?

 

I bet you my life savings ( $3.24 and a wrapper I found in the couch) that

you've still been carrying trauma around. EMDR can resolve most of that so you can lead a happy life.

 

I hope this post hasn't been so disjointed.

 

Considering you and your wife have the same kind of avoidance and coping skills, that can help you realize what you are doing and what you need to do to smarten up.

 

You should both be trying the be healthy spouses. It doesn't take a specialist to realize that this is damn unhealthy and that you are settling on a low-quality life if you continue.

 

If you don't like fog: move away from the coast.

[Minnie09]

So you had your revenge A. That's fine and understandable, although many posters on here probably won't agree. For me, revenge A's can be a remedy to restore balance within the flabbergasted mind of a BS. It's just that. A balance thing.

 

The fact that you broke it up after so much time is interesting. How did that happen? Did she break up? Did you? Why? Was it easy/hard/the right thing to do/after a DDay? Or voluntarily?

 

And how exactly did the alcohol influence you when you reopened the old e-mail acct? Had you been missing her and compartmentalized it, because it was "wrong", and then after a few drinks you just said to yourself "oh **** it"? Or were you really indifferent towards her and over it (even though, after 2.5 yrs I can't quite believe that), and with a few drinks you did something stupid that developed into something more?

 

It's easy to blame your W if you want out. In your situation, the whole thing is really easy to justify to yourself and others.

[FL510]

I broke it off after 2 1/2 years because I knew deep down it was the right thing to do. I was being selfish not letting a 22 year old at the time have a chance at any kind of a normal relationship with someone available and not 16 years older. It was unbelievably hard. It was highly physical and emotional from day one.. in essence all we really did was take a 9 month break....

[2011aug]

I would think that your marriage broke 5 years ago. These are continuing consequences.

 

What do you want to have happen now with your marriage? Probably question is too hard for you to answer.

 

Maybe make a joint decision with your wife?

[Minnie09]

So you broke off the A for the AP, in order to not deprive her of a real R? The AP was the one you were worried about, not your W, your M, your children? You wanted to set her free so she could be better off? She was the one you cared about, and not your W. If you don't care about your M and W, then you shouldn't be with your W. I think you know what you want. You didn't even say you broke it off to work on your M. That says a lot.

[Spark1111]

So you broke off the A for the AP, in order to not deprive her of a real R? The AP was the one you were worried about, not your W, your M, your children? You wanted to set her free so she could be better off? She was the one you cared about, and not your W. If you don't care about your M and W, then you shouldn't be with your W. I think you know what you want. You didn't even say you broke it off to work on your M. That says a lot.

 

I agree with this!

 

You reconciled with your wife because she was remorseful and doing all the work, BUT you really didn't love and want her, YOU didn't want anyone else to have her, right?

 

So you reconciled for all the wrong reasons: ownership as opposed to love and commitment.

 

So when you realized she was working hard, being transparent, and was no longer going to leave you for another, YOU THEN gave yourself PERMISSION to see what was out there, and found 21.

 

I think you should have divorced your wife because you never truly intended to forgive her and recommit to the marriage.

 

You only intended to keep her, keep her honest and committed to you alone, so you could go find your OW.

 

I am astonished you are still married. Most revenge affairs are not 3 years in length.

 

Has it occurred to you that you are actively punishing your wife with this long-term affair?

 

Because you are. You enjoy hurting her behind her back. Which is pretty sick and diabolical if you ask me.

 

Divorce her....and go be with your long-term ego boost. If you no longer have your NOW good wife to punish, I give you and Miss 23 about....2 years in a real relationship.

[Tayla]

Invite the wife and the gf out for lunch, Express your love for the gf and the dedication you have at being a husband and dad. I think since you are each behaving as Adults you will be able to come to amicable conclusion.

 

Did I mention though you may want to up your life insurance policy because someone will want to make a claim after that meeting.

 

I can say without a doubt that revenge anything never ends in favor of the culprit. So with that said, be prepared to face the music and do it soon.

 

I do not judge you the person, I do judge the scenario as being most harmful for 4 of the family members..

 

As my grand Daddy said, Don't write a check your A** cant cash...and you have just defaulted on a check...clear it up!

[nyrias]

I agree with this!

 

You reconciled with your wife because she was remorseful and doing all the work, BUT you really didn't love and want her, YOU didn't want anyone else to have her, right?

 

So you reconciled for all the wrong reasons: ownership as opposed to love and commitment.

 

So when you realized she was working hard, being transparent, and was no longer going to leave you for another, YOU THEN gave yourself PERMISSION to see what was out there, and found 21.

 

I think you should have divorced your wife because you never truly intended to forgive her and recommit to the marriage.

 

You only intended to keep her, keep her honest and committed to you alone, so you could go find your OW.

 

I am astonished you are still married. Most revenge affairs are not 3 years in length.

 

Has it occurred to you that you are actively punishing your wife with this long-term affair?

 

Because you are. You enjoy hurting her behind her back. Which is pretty sick and diabolical if you ask me.

 

Divorce her....and go be with your long-term ego boost. If you no longer have your NOW good wife to punish, I give you and Miss 23 about....2 years in a real relationship.

 

Hmm .. i agree with the analysis, but not sure about the advice.

 

Given revenge IS the goal (you totally nail him on why he did it), i don't think an honest, and civil divorce is the best revenge.

 

There are much more nasty things he can do.

 

He needs to get rid of his guilt and plot a proper revenge.

[FL510]

Spark, you are not completely off base....it really wasn't an ownership issue with me, more for the kids. Honestly, deep down, I don't think I ever did reconcile...my wife did..not me. There is an ego boost for sure...we are also crazy about each other. I started this for revenge....that is not why I stayed in it.

[Richard Friedman]

Heheh. You are making your own karma. Honestly I wouldn't feel bad either, and got a little kick from reading this. Your wife used you for the comfort and lifestyle while she got her sexual kicks somewhere else. It would be criminal for her to get off scot free. Don't listen to the handwringers here and carry on. You deserve it, and so does she.

[StoneCold]

You're wife cheated on you multiple times...you found out; got pissed and never really got over it. So you went out to get revenge to make yourself feel better....maybe it worked, maybe it didnt. Yeah idealistically a divorce is best but I dont know your situation and it may be complicated; plus maybe what you really wanted was the satisfaction that comes with revenge. Who knows..I'm not going to speak to the right and wrong in that... I see all that as very gray and really dont have a strong opinion of it one way or th other.

 

But now you are in a bind and perhaps now is the time to decide where you want to go with your relationships so you can move on with your life..... 'cause the OW seems to be like drugs for you and your marriage is rigged to blow.

Edited August 21, 2011 by StoneCold

[Woman In Blue]

She was smart, attractive and....well....21.

LOL...meaning, too damned stupid to know any better. That's why they're so easy to land. Where'd you take her for dinner, Chuck E. Cheese? :D

 

Meh, I'm not going to come down on you after the sh*itty hand you've been dealt by your wife with her obvious lack of self control. I would have booted her ass out a long time ago and can't figure out why you even stayed.

[FL510]

I found out about my wife's indiscretions over 2 years after they happened. She was young at the time also. That helped numb it a little. She became a completely different person, honest and transparent. She found out she was pregnant with our first at stopped her lifestyle. Yes, we had paternity tests done for all three. She submitted to a polygraph, she put herself through counseling. We had three very small kids when this came out. All of these facts played into my decision.

I know my relationship with my OW is not realistically long-term. Of course she says she does not want kids (I think at 23 my wife said the same thing), will accept mine....I just can't firmly believe it at that age. Ending this will be unbelievably hard. Eventually it will have to be done. Do I tell my wife about it or bury it? I think that is why I came here.....

[Kidd]

IMHO, if you stay for the purpose of truly reconciling with your wife, there's no getting out of telling her. Time to man up and own your sh*t.

 

If you're staying for the children, I guess you could continue lying.

 

How's that working for you?

[FL510]

Kidd, it works like crap... time to nut-up or shut up I guess. I think my first job is to end the Affair. Problem is I could see myself dragging my feet for long time...

[PatFinkle]

5 years ago my wife divulged to me she had multiple affairs, before and during our marriage. One night stands, long term things.....it was bad. We had many tough nights, struggled, went to therapy, and over the years worked it out and moved on. So I thought. She did anything and everything to make it right. She struggled, worked very hard and was completely transpanent with everything and now, I can honestly say I implicently trust her. I am 42, She 34. We have 3 great kids 9,7,6. I am blessed with a fantastic well paying job and we own a nice home. Fast forward to 3 years ago, I drank one night, got online...can't even really remember where, but struck up a conversation with a girl (21). Talked for a few weeks, met at a local restuarant, and spent the next 2 1/2 years involved in a highly physical and emotional relationship.

I won't lie. This was easy for me to do. I used the pain she inflicted on me as some kind of messed up self-justification. She was smart, attractive and....well....21. I broke it off for 9 months, and thought I moved on. I thought she moved on as well. I chalked it up to a dumb thing I did to get back at her, and put it to bed. No harm. The email account I used for this activity went unused completely (should have deleted it entirely) until 2 weeks ago. Another few drinks one night, I decided to check it. She sent me 3 or 4 emails, I answered, we met for lunch only, in a public place just to be safe, it was agreed, and catch up. An hour later we were having sex in her apartment. This has been repeated several times over the last few weeks, and I find myself in this "fog" I keep hearing about, but it is much worse this time. I know she is younger, I know this is wrong, and I know where I am posting this so I do not expect any pitty at all. I am in love with this person. Fog? perhaps, but I have known her for 3 years. I love my wife and respect her completely. I respect the work she did to save this marriage. I hate myself for throwing it away.

 

 

I really don't see what the problem is here, except perhaps some completely unnecessary self-imposed/superego guilt on your part.

 

Your wife voluntarily blew up your marriage a long time ago by having multiple affairs.

 

An opportunity came along for you to plunder the snatch of a young hard body and you took it.

 

You're telling yourself something is wrong with this, why, exactly?

 

 

Reading between the lines, I'm getting the sense that in reality, the younger chick/OW was getting a little bit too clingy/close, too emotionally involved (as women in affairs frequently become), and that's why you tried to ditch her. You wanted/want an affair, a hot young additional sex partner, NOT a candidate for a second wife after a divorce from your first wife. (It doesn't sound like you want to divorce your first wife, but even if you did, that wouldn't mean you want to marry this young hottie.)

 

You tried to get rid of the OW but the lure of the strange was just too much--again understandably so.

 

The best advice anyone could give you is to go through with your original plan and gently let this OW down--not because it wouldn't be fun to keep on having sex with her, but because she will get too attached to you, develop unrealistic expectations, and possibly become a bunny boiler.

 

If you want to keep having sex outside the marriage then you're probably better off finding a brand new 25 year old chick to do it with. But if you must continue with the current OW, please keep it on the "down low" and don't even dream of confessing to your wife.

 

All bets were off when your wife long ago decided that being married to you meant she gets to screw multiple other guys. She unilaterally declared your marriage "open" and any consequences--including your revenge affair, or even serial revenge affairs--are the bed she made and has to sleep in.

[PatFinkle]

Kidd, it works like crap... time to nut-up or shut up I guess. I think my first job is to end the Affair. Problem is I could see myself dragging my feet for long time...

 

I disagree. Before doing ANYTHING--be it ending the affair, telling your wife, or anything else--start thinking with your brains not your little soldier and figure out where you are and where you are trying to get to.

 

It sounds to me like you have a status quo which you are satisfied with, excluding any super ego/societally imposed notions of "morality." IMO those considerations became null and void based on your wife's serial cheating.

 

You have a nice wifey who (you believe) is fully tamed and back down on the farm. On the side you have a hot sexy mistress and apparently you have the time, energy, and money to handle both of them simultaneously.

 

There is absolutely no reason for you to do anything to disturb this status quo. The only danger--and I think you must sense at least somewhat of a danger--is the OW deciding she wants a bigger piece of you and deliberately trying to mess up your marriage under the mistaken notion that if she causes you to get divorced you will make the OW your second wife.

 

Therefore I would have a frank conversation with OW (if you haven't already) and say: "Listen I like you and where our relationship is right now but I have no intention of divorcing my wife now or ever, and even if I did I would not want to get remarried to anyone [blame financial/legal reasons for not wanting to get remarried so she doesn't think it's something about her]. So if you are willing to continue this affair on this status quo with no other expectations then I am game for it, if you need to move on and we can stay just friends I accept that as well."

 

Your exact situation is why so many OW spend years in relationships with married men--it's a stable, satisfactory status quo for both parties (even if OW frequently tell themselves that they actually want to get married to the married man they are having the affair with, they really don't.)

 

Remember there is nothing for you to feel guilty about with respect to either your wife OR the OW--in regard to the OW she's an adult and obviously she has her own motivation for being involved with a married man, most likely because she doesn't WANT the obligation of a full-time, unencumbered boyfriend or husband all her own. IOW she really doesn't want to pick up your dirty underwears with the skidmarks and launder them for you every Saturday.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I found out about my wife's indiscretions over 2 years after they happened. She was young at the time also. That helped numb it a little. She became a completely different person, honest and transparent. She found out she was pregnant with our first at stopped her lifestyle. Yes, we had paternity tests done for all three. She submitted to a polygraph, she put herself through counseling. We had three very small kids when this came out. All of these facts played into my decision.

I know my relationship with my OW is not realistically long-term. Of course she says she does not want kids (I think at 23 my wife said the same thing), will accept mine....I just can't firmly believe it at that age. Ending this will be unbelievably hard. Eventually it will have to be done. Do I tell my wife about it or bury it? I think that is why I came here.....

 

Look, the girl is 23... and honestly that's a pretty big gap. It's not so much about age really as it is about life stages.

 

If I were in your situation... I'd seriously consider dumping the wife in favor of this girl. However, I wouldn't trust such a young girl to stick it out. Chances of her hitting 30 and doing the same thing your wife did is pretty high in my opinion.

 

Kidd, it works like crap... time to nut-up or shut up I guess. I think my first job is to end the Affair. Problem is I could see myself dragging my feet for long time...

 

Do you plan on telling your wife about this? I think it's only the right thing to do... and it will help you with the foot dragging.

 

If you do tell your wife... will she stick with you or bounce? I knew a woman who cheated 8 times on her husband and he stayed, but when she caught him developing an emotional affair at work she divorced him.

[FL510]

PatFinkle.....damn. That's it. My OW wants more now, it a recent development She has hinted around at it over the last few weeks. I'm torn. A part of me wants to keep this going. A part of me wants to tell my wife and pursue a normal...bible thumping, sunshine and lollipops marriage. I just don't know....I'm not sure I am really that person now. I was before my wife dropped a load of crap on me.

 

I also don't think the OW would really like the "real" life of me. I have an exciting (from the outside looking in) job, drive a midlife crisis car, I send her pictures of my trips from all over the world....would she really like dealing with my dirty underwear, taking a kid to soccer, or vacuuming my living room? She says she would, but I really doubt it. I have never given her any false hope, never made any promises, or given time-lines .....but now she says she will wait forever, and if I never leave my wife so be it, she will still be there.

 

Do I let this run it's course? enjoy it while it lasts? end it now? damn

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[nyrias]

So let's say you divorce, marry her, she decides she wants kids (of her own), and you give that to her. Now you're in your mid to late 40's, with a house full of babies you really didn't want, you resent her for that, you're changing diapers, cleaning up puke, waking up in the middle of the night because one of them crawled into bed with you, or better yet right before you're about to make love for the 1st time in 2 weeks, and now you're back to exactly what you have now, but maybe without the spouse infidelity part...maybe. And maybe you can't even pay for a baby sitter to take your new stressed out wife on a date she so deserves because your paying for your new family with only 1/2 your income because you're sending the other half to the 1st one (this would apply to me because I'm the bread winner in my family). Life is NOT a box of chocolates Forrest.

 

I'm not trying to be all gloom and doom. Trust me when I say this...I so understand your pain. These are just some of the "reality" checks I do with myself to "keep on keeping on", without xMM, without ruining 2 families, to fulfill my desires. I love xMM and he loves me. 15 years ago, we made a mistake (without too much TMI...we're rekindled love, engaged before). Not our spouse's faults. Not our kid's faults. Our faults...we OWN IT. But this is what we got now. And together we both decided to "fake it til we make it" in our current families, with smiles on our faces, because that is what we feel is the right thing to do at this point in our lives. Marriages don't come with instructions manuals. Kids certainly don't come with instruction manuals. All you can do is what you feel is right FOR YOU and YOUR FAMILY (current one).

 

You talk as if the OP is settling with this new girl. My take is that she is just a revenge A partner. There is no point looking at the long term, particularly with kids and what not.

 

Accept it as a short-term R and everything will be easier.

[Minnie09]

You talk as if the OP is settling with this new girl. My take is that she is just a revenge A partner. There is no point looking at the long term, particularly with kids and what not.

 

Accept it as a short-term R and everything will be easier.

 

Apparently, they're already past that stage.

[bentnotbroken]

I found out about my wife's indiscretions over 2 years after they happened. She was young at the time also. That helped numb it a little. She became a completely different person, honest and transparent. She found out she was pregnant with our first at stopped her lifestyle. Yes, we had paternity tests done for all three. She submitted to a polygraph, she put herself through counseling. We had three very small kids when this came out. All of these facts played into my decision.

I know my relationship with my OW is not realistically long-term. Of course she says she does not want kids (I think at 23 my wife said the same thing), will accept mine....I just can't firmly believe it at that age. Ending this will be unbelievably hard. Eventually it will have to be done. Do I tell my wife about it or bury it? I think that is why I came here.....

 

If her affairs came to light, why shouldn't yours? If you got to make the decision of whether or not you wanted to stay with her, why shouldn't she be afforded the same option?

[bentnotbroken]

Kidd, it works like crap... time to nut-up or shut up I guess. I think my first job is to end the Affair. Problem is I could see myself dragging my feet for long time...

 

 

Then maybe you should remove your feet....metaphorically speaking of course.