Anyone had a Revenge Affair?

[Owl]

So why not file for divorce and free both of you to live happier lives?

[fltc]

And one last thing before I go back to the "dark side" with BB...I'm afraid from what your saying about her, that the OW is going to tell your wife.

 

Exactly what I referred to when I posted, "Affairs have a way of surfacing".

 

The time for damage control is NOW, not later, if you wish to continue your marriage.

 

Some unasked for advice: I don't think you should continue your marriage, you've stated you've not forgiven her and probably never will, I understand that completely, I'd have left minutes after she confessed.

 

You REALLY NEED TO make some decisions RIGHT NOW about what you're going to do, tomorrow may be too late!

 

NOTE: Your children will survive a divorce with less long term trauma than they will living with unhappy parents.

 

Me? I'd divorce now, you might continue affair with hot young chick but do not consider marriage with her! You might consider living together at some point to see if she really is too young for you but I suspect she'll move on very quickly..... just a guess.

Edited August 22, 2011 by fltc

[OnyxSnowfall]

To all the folks saying "divorce! divorce! right now!!" obviously if OP wanted to get divorced he had years in which to do that, and decided he didn't want to, at least not yet.

 

He decided to take another direction not involving divorce. Yes his wife cheated on him and terribly, that doesn't automatically mean he should divorce her.

 

On the other hand just because he chooses not to divorce her doesn't require him to remain faithful to her for the rest of the marriage. Why should he hold himself to a higher standard of behavior than his wife was willing to tolerate in herself?

 

It's nonsensical really.

 

(Are you also PatFinkle?)

 

It's not really nonsense. How is he going to be happy when he's emotionally and physically entwined with another woman whom he can't feel secure in being with (either)?

 

He has emotions, just like other people. If he wants to go down the path of distancing himself from those and "using" others, it likely will not turn out good for him. He should hold himself to a higher standard for his own benefit. It's just better to be able to NOT hate yourself. Try all he wants to make his actions "right", until he truly "does" make them right, something will chew away at him bit by bit... either until he kills off valuable things or he breaks down and doesn't know where to go from there.

 

If he can't forgive and have a loving and caring relationship with his wife, there's really no reason to stay. Why should he deprive himself of having that, why should others be deprived of having that too? Why settle... meanwhile, he's hurting himself and others...

Edited August 22, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[reboot]

(Are you also PatFinkle?)

 

Among other heads of the hydra.

[StoneCold]

So why not file for divorce and free both of you to live happier lives?

 

If divorce is something h wants to do ...he will do that when hes ready....just like anybody else

[dreamingoftigers]

I have firm boundaries and well defined values, and very little in life is black and white to me.

 

I second this.

 

If everything is black and white, then that's basically saying that you think what YOU believe and the way YOU feel about most everything is the ONLY way to believe and feel. It takes a real pompous ass to think they're right about everything, are never wrong about anything, and that anyone that disagrees with them is a blithering idiot. Take that however you want to.

 

And I second this.

[dreamingoftigers]

The obvious answer is because he still sees that his spouse can play a valid role in his life, just not the exclusive role as his only sexual partner.

 

He is no more required to file for divorce than you were when your wife cheated on you.

 

In fact why are you recommending OP do something (divorce his cheating wife) that you declined to do???

 

Makes no sense IMO.

 

Because he was capable of forgiving his wife.

 

Hence the point he was making.

[Owl]

The obvious answer is because he still sees that his spouse can play a valid role in his life, just not the exclusive role as his only sexual partner.

 

He is no more required to file for divorce than you were when your wife cheated on you.

 

In fact why are you recommending OP do something (divorce his cheating wife) that you declined to do???

 

Makes no sense IMO.

 

My wife and I were able to reconcile and rebuild our marriage after her affair without continuing to destroy our wedding vows further.

 

I see no value in a relationship further builts on betrayal, lies, and deception.

 

But you raise a good point...why not JOINTLY agree on a new, OPEN rrlationship/marriage going forward? If that's what they BOTH agree to...no deception or lies required...just a new set of vows to base the new relationship on.

 

Simple and honest at the same time...win/win.

[Owl]

If divorce is something h wants to do ...he will do that when hes ready....just like anybody else

 

And live and maintain a relationship based on lies and deciept going forward...basically conducting the same kind of behavior that devestated him before. I don't see value in living this way...tho obviously others do. I just don't personally recommend or support that path.

[OnyxSnowfall]

Among other heads of the hydra.

 

I'm actually wondering if they ever start their own threads and then respond to them pretending to be someone else (lol...).

 

Owl - It would be an option to consider... if it didn't make the desire for revenge "moot" and or he thought his wife would really let him have a "relationship" with another woman... I don't know...

 

I just agree that a relationship based in lies and deception is not valuable.

[Severely Unamused]

This is a troll thread.

 

C'mon people.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm actually wondering if they ever start their own threads and then respond to them pretending to be someone else (lol...).

 

Owl - It would be an option to consider... if it didn't make the desire for revenge "moot" and or he thought his wife would really let him have a "relationship" with another woman... I don't know...

 

I just agree that a relationship based in lies and deception is not valuable.

 

I think they do start threads and respond to them quite often and it has been going on for a long time.

[OnyxSnowfall]

This is a troll thread.

 

C'mon people.

 

I think they do start threads and respond to them quite often and it has been going on for a long time.

 

Lol

 

Sorry, I'm relatively new at this forum thing. I guess it's like the poor beggars laden in the streets (where I'm from)... the fake ones can ruin it for those who genuinely need help...

 

I don't know why I thought things would be more wholesome on the internet... guess I'm just naive

[StoneCold]

And live and maintain a relationship based on lies and deciept going forward...basically conducting the same kind of behavior that devestated him before. I don't see value in living this way...tho obviously others do. I just don't personally recommend or support that path.

 

Divorce is a process that he will have to work up to; if he even decides that that is what he will shoot for. A life of hiding isnt the cats meow but neither are knee-jerk decisions for serious things like divorce.

 

Mind you his wife dropped the ball before and I'm sure she had to go through her own little process too. She chose to fess up and work on the marriage but lets not forget that before she was "right" she was "wrong"

[Owl]

Divorce is a process that he will have to work up to; if he even decides that that is what he will shoot for. A life of hiding isnt the cats meow but neither are knee-jerk decisions for serious things like divorce.

 

Mind you his wife dropped the ball before and I'm sure she had to go through her own little process too. She chose to fess up and work on the marriage but lets not forget that before she was "right" she was "wrong"

 

Sorry Stonecold...but like I told an OW whose MM was "in the process"...its not a process if it involves no concrete changes over months and years. It's just an excuse at that point.

 

I will agree she "was wrong first"....but I'm also figuring we've all heard the "two wrongs" saying from our parents. Nuff said.

[nyrias]

And live and maintain a relationship based on lies and deciept going forward...basically conducting the same kind of behavior that devestated him before. I don't see value in living this way...tho obviously others do. I just don't personally recommend or support that path.

 

That is because you always assume relationships are (or at least have the potential to be) long term, and the goal is to be close with the person in the relationship.

 

If it is a short term thing, and that the goal is to exact revenge, then the game changes. And of course you don't see value in living this way, because his "values", his goal are different than the ones you assume.

[OnyxSnowfall]

He never said he hated himself either.

 

re:

I respect the work she did to save this marriage. I hate myself for throwing it away.

 

Last post here... it's really irrelevant at this point.

 

OP - good luck.

[Owl]

As far as I can see OP's wedding vows were completely obliterated by his wife's multiple affairs. Therefore there was nothing left of those vows for OP to "continue to destroy" afterwards.

 

 

 

 

That's right. There was nothing left for OP to destroy after what his wife did to their marriage. OP does not value his marriage the way you do yours because his wife totally destroyed its value. That's the point.

 

If I lend you my car and you total it, it is worthless. I can then take that scap heap and hit on it with a hammer all day long putting additional dents in it, but that doesn't "diminish the value" below zero, because zero is the lowest it can go.

 

Some things that people do to their relationships are so bad that nothing is left. That is pretty much obvious in OP's case. And I think it would be common in any case where one spouse has multiple affairs. The marriage is totally destroyed and without any value.

 

Anyone who has multiple affairs, ONSs and long term affairs, has to take 100% responsibility for all that follows. That marriage is totally gone. OP's affair is just a reflection of that fact.

 

 

 

 

 

That's an option but nothing is binding upon OP to agree with it. I'm not sure that you understand that OP has no obligation at all to his wife other than what he feels like doing. For those are the rules of the relationship as established by his wife. A long time ago.

 

 

 

 

Again an option that OP is not bound to pursue.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He tried honesty originally and his wife didn't go for it.

 

if there was any doubt about which returned hydra head you were...the doubts are gone now. Welcome back, repair_minded. How was you vacation from LS?

[Owl]

It seems like a lot of people are advocating "divorce" because they know darn well it's financially and emotionally catastrophic to the man/high wage earner but in their minds this unfairness would be OP's justly earned "punishment" for doing 5% of what his wife did to him first.

 

Not at all. I advocate divorce because I don't view cheating as a way to maintain any kind of relationship. As I said earlier...if they both agree to an open marriage...then he's not cheating or lying. Why not explore that route instead of continuing to lie? Just be honest about it.

[Owl]

Obviously there is some kind of paranoia going on here.

 

Weird.

 

"Just because you believe there is an enemy hiding behind every bush...that doesn't mean that there isn't."

 

The hydra has been here for a long time...and you know damned well what I mean. Your writing style is an exact match...once again...why not be honest rather than hide behind a lie? Just as I am advising the o.p.

[Owl]

That is because you always assume relationships are (or at least have the potential to be) long term, and the goal is to be close with the person in the relationship.

 

If it is a short term thing, and that the goal is to exact revenge, then the game changes. And of course you don't see value in living this way, because his "values", his goal are different than the ones you assume.

 

You're right. Those are indeed my assumptions and beliefs about relationships.

 

Revenge is rarely worth it...especially in this kind of situation. You become the thing you despise.

 

Others do feel differently...that's why LS is here.

[nyrias]

Not at all. I advocate divorce because I don't view cheating as a way to maintain any kind of relationship. As I said earlier...if they both agree to an open marriage...then he's not cheating or lying. Why not explore that route instead of continuing to lie? Just be honest about it.

 

ANY kind of relationship? How about one that purely based on economics, and access to the kids?

 

Sure, cheating is not a way to maintain a loving relationship between two people. But that is NOT the only kind of relationship out there, is it?

[anne1707]

Calling it a revenge affair is just a means to denying responsibility for one's own actions especially years after the event. If it is the OP's wife's fault that he is having an affair than surely it could also be possible to argue that her affairs were all his fault?

 

The problems within the marriage are the fault of both husband and wife but the decision to have an affair is down to one person only and that is the WS.

 

 

The OP has a choice:

• end the marriage and start a life with the OW
  
• end the affair, tell the wife and see if they can save their marriage
  
• end both relationships
  

At the moment all three in the triangle are living half lives. Isn't enough enough?

[Richard Friedman]

"He has been having an affair for three years, already. What benefit--concrete benefit, not in your imaginary fantasy world--is there should OP decide to blow the whistle on himself? So he can look in the mirror and proudly pat himself on the back while the lawyers are feasting on his wealth, his wife is making him the bad guy in court, and he is losing access to his children?"

 

Precisely. And i doubt the good "i'm so moral vibes" would last long when his wife starts ****ing new men in the home he bought. Basically her infidelity put him in an impossible position. No self-respecting man can stay idle after being cuckolded, again and again. He's trying to make the best of it by not being a weekend dad or a schmuck paying the woman who made his marriage a sham. He could divorce and be in an honest relationship, but would the tradeoff be worth the financial hit and separation from his kids? That's for him to say. In any case I don't think he owes anything to his wife who conned him into this marriage. Kudos to him for having the guts to look out for himself, instead of putting everyone's happiness in front of his own(which you women seem to love).

[Owl]

ANY kind of relationship? How about one that purely based on economics, and access to the kids?

 

Sure, cheating is not a way to maintain a loving relationship between two people. But that is NOT the only kind of relationship out there, is it?

 

Any relationship in which one or both partners entered with the expectation of monogamy or commitment.

 

If the basis is something different, that's great as long as both parties have the same expectations of their partner and the relationship. Then its not cheating and there is no deception or devestation caused by broken vows and hearts.