Anyone had a Revenge Affair?

[FL510]

So...wanted to bring this back so that FL didn't miss it in all of the....fun...and could hopefully consider it and respond.

 

FL...what's the 'plan' from here? What's your goal for your future, your marriage? What can we here at LS help 'support' you with?

 

My struggle is that I am having a hard time ending this with the other woman. I don't need to, but I think I should. It's extremely difficult. Every time I get close she says or does something that makes me want to wait....uses sex, emotion, whatever...it's like she knows exactly how to play her part. I always get the feeling she is one step ahead of me intellectually. Like she is reading from the playbook of how to be the perfect mistress. I'm not blinded by love or being overly emotional about it...this is after I have stepped back at looked at this objectively.

[jthorne]

I don't need to, but I think I should.

Then please list the reasons why you think you should.

[Owl]

Fair enough...so would you say that your goal...your objective...that you're wanting help from us here on LS is to help you to end your affair with OW?

 

See...to me the bottom line is having a known, tangible goal.

 

Once you have a goal, you can develop a plan to reach your goal.

 

Then you enact your plan.

 

But it all starts with choosing what it is you want...your goal.

[FL510]

Then please list the reasons why you think you should.

 

Whether I stay with my wife or not, I do have enough sense to understand that the OW is not what I am looking for in a wife, mother, long-term life partner. I love her, but marrying her would be taking the exact patch I took with my W. In fact there are many similarities between the two.

 

I refuse to make a decision about my marriage before I end this and get over it. The waters are too muddy so-to-speak. So the question for me is more of an issue of time. Could I run off with the OW and live happily? for a while...but for how long....let's be real. I am in my early 40's she is 23. How is that going to work when I'm 60?

[bentnotbroken]

I think this is the source of some of the disconnect here.

 

I think that many of us (myself included) feel that affairs are kinda like dog poop in brownies.

 

Not thinking that it's any better to only have 10% dog poop in the brownie than 25%.

 

It's still dog poop.

 

Better off having no affairs, rather than patting someone on the back for only having one. Just a thought.

 

 

Yup. The taste of crap is the same no matter the amount.

Edited August 23, 2011 by bentnotbroken

[jthorne]

This is kind of infantile don't you think?

 

OP doesn't need women dictating him to perform arbitrary tasks, but a lot of you seem to get off on that.

 

Now he needs to make lists for you?

 

Why?

Well, you seem to have a lot of experience with what is infantile...

 

The OP asked for help. For some, breaking things down into steps leading to an ultimate goal is helpful. I politely (notice I said please) asked him to list the reasons for why he tought he should end the affair. From there, he can determine and work towards his ultimate goal, whatever that may be.

 

Unlike you, I am here to try to offer help getting to the ultimate goal; I am not here to bicker. Please ignore my posts if you find them unhelpful.

[bentnotbroken]

Well, you seem to have a lot of experience with what is infantile...

 

The OP asked for help. For some, breaking things down into steps leading to an ultimate goal is helpful. I politely (notice I said please) asked him to list the reasons for why he tought he should end the affair. From there, he can determine and work towards his ultimate goal, whatever that may be.

 

Unlike you, I am here to try to offer help getting to the ultimate goal; I am not here to bicker. Please ignore my posts if you find them unhelpful.

 

 

Now you know you should have demanded that the poster prove a point that you wanted proved instead of asking for a list. Silly goose, you know you aren't adult enough to ask a question like that.

[jthorne]

Whether I stay with my wife or not, I do have enough sense to understand that the OW is not what I am looking for in a wife, mother, long-term life partner.

Does the OW know that?

I love her, but marrying her would be taking the exact patch I took with my W. In fact there are many similarities between the two.

I agree. But I also wonder if your W had the same history of poor self esteem that your OW has. I am by no means excusing W's past behavior, but just wondering if it is a similarity. Just something to think about.

 

Does the OW know that you have no intentions of marrying her? You mentioned that she said she would wait forever for you. What is she waiting for if she knows you would never be interested in a permanent relationship? Does she have hope you will change your mind?

 

I refuse to make a decision about my marriage before I end this and get over it. The waters are too muddy so-to-speak.

Ok, so are you simply delaying ending it with your OW so you can delay working on the marriage?

So the question for me is more of an issue of time. Could I run off with the OW and live happily? for a while...but for how long....let's be real. I am in my early 40's she is 23. How is that going to work when I'm 60?

This statement contradicts your prior statement that you have no interest in any long-lasting relationship with the OW, doesn't it?

 

I do agree with you that the age difference is a large hurdle to overcome. I think there are larger hurdles though, and you have mentioned some of those above.

 

The bottom line is you can end it with the OW if you really want to.

[Owl]

Whether I stay with my wife or not, I do have enough sense to understand that the OW is not what I am looking for in a wife, mother, long-term life partner. I love her, but marrying her would be taking the exact patch I took with my W. In fact there are many similarities between the two.

 

I refuse to make a decision about my marriage before I end this and get over it. The waters are too muddy so-to-speak. So the question for me is more of an issue of time. Could I run off with the OW and live happily? for a while...but for how long....let's be real. I am in my early 40's she is 23. How is that going to work when I'm 60?

 

OK, so with this, it sounds to me as though your goal is to end your affair with OW, and then reassess what you're going to do with your marriage after you've dealt with all of that.

 

Fair enough.

 

I've not read enough to know...what's your interaction with OW outside of the affair? Co-worker, friend of family, etc...? Is there anything that would complicate removing her from your life like these kinds of circumstances?

 

If not...then frankly, the only way to do it is to do it. Tell her that it's over...and that you want no further contact whatsoever from her. Then take active measures to BLOCK her from contacting you when she decides to do so. Block her email/phone, etc...and remove them from your contacts as well, so that you can't slip in a moment of weakness either.

 

That's your first place to start.

[jthorne]

Now you know you should have demanded that the poster prove a point that you wanted proved instead of asking for a list. Silly goose, you know you aren't adult enough to ask a question like that.

Yeah, but I'm too tired to deal with extraneous bullcrap. The bickering gets real old real fast for me nowadays.

[bentnotbroken]

Yeah, but I'm too tired to deal with extraneous bullcrap. The bickering gets real old real fast for me nowadays.

 

 

For me somedays too. But not yesterday:laugh:I really needed the distraction.

[jthorne]

That's your first place to start.

I sense he's still on the fence a bit.

 

Ending it requires action on his part, and right now, limbo may be more comfortable.

 

But as we know, if nothing changes, nothing changes.

[FL510]

OK, so with this, it sounds to me as though your goal is to end your affair with OW, and then reassess what you're going to do with your marriage after you've dealt with all of that.

 

Fair enough.

 

I've not read enough to know...what's your interaction with OW outside of the affair? Co-worker, friend of family, etc...? Is there anything that would complicate removing her from your life like these kinds of circumstances?

 

If not...then frankly, the only way to do it is to do it. Tell her that it's over...and that you want no further contact whatsoever from her. Then take active measures to BLOCK her from contacting you when she decides to do so. Block her email/phone, etc...and remove them from your contacts as well, so that you can't slip in a moment of weakness either.

 

That's your first place to start.

 

I do not see her in any way during day to day life. We have no mutual friends and we live 30 miles apart in a large midwest city. Let's face it though, if she wants to turn into a bunny-boiler she can. She was joking the other day that she "saw my house from space". Scared me a little....google earth, the ultimate tool for stalkers. I have layovers in some exotic locations. She has flown out and met me at a couple of the domestic ones. Gone with me to annual training....etc. My point is if I end it harshly....who knows. I know at 23, especially after a few drinks, reason and control can easily go out the window.

 

I knew I was dancing down this slippery slope when I started, and I accept that. But I would like to do whatever I could to mitigate the possibility.

[Owl]

Fair enough...your concern about a bunny boiler is fair.

 

It's not common...but it's also still possible.

 

So...consider all that she could/might do. Make a list of those things...and then give some thought to what measures you can take to nullify or mitigate those things.

 

Example...she might call your wife. One, ensure that reaching your wife won't be easy for her. Two...consider telling your wife preemptively, so that you can manage the release of that information rather than have it come from a source with maliscious intent.

 

As far as the google earth thing...those pics only update every six months to a year. I wouldn't panic over that.

 

So...plan out how you're going to break it off with OW, and start listing out the possible repercussions, along with potential mitigation plans for each.

[John Michael Kane]

You know this woman, You know what is in her heart? Even her husband the OP states she is reformed. Since she IS reformed according to the op it's safe to assume that she has had many consequences.

 

Serial cheaters do not "reform."

 

ASSumptions about how YOU want her to be! Ahhhh duh, what about his disgusting repetitive acts? No difference!

The only assumptions here are from you. Stating someone's a predator because they're a man. BB07 this situation is not about you and you're projecting your own personal history and bias against men towards OP and it's doing nothing to contribute help towards his situation.

 

ha ha, my sexism uh. Look in the mirror, dude.

Nope. I'm not the one calling him, his wife, or the OW predators because they decided consciously made the decision to have affairs.

 

She did wrong but is not NOW, he is doing WRONG NOW.

Ya so that means he's the one who's at fault for everything just because she stopped cheating for a little while, correct?

 

Bless your tiny heart because it's difficult for you to comprehend but the OP is in the wrong now.

The only one who has difficulty with this issue is you. You're making the situation about you because you see him as your former OM. You're still in the mindset that you got played.

 

Ahhhh, there you go, throwing out my former status again. The key is FORMER.

Former doesn't change anything.

 

I'm not a cheater, I was an ow, WAS is the key and I tell you something else, I'm just as good, maybe a better person than you are.

That's what you think. That's not reality.

I don't give a tinkers damn what you think of me, but it gets under my skin a bit that you keep bringing it up but of course anyone who you disagree with you sink to low blows irregardless of one's past

I don't sink to "low blows," I simply point out the obvious as to why a poster falsely accuses another of being a predator just because he had an affair with someone significantly younger than him, and then says he's at fault for all that has happened to his marriage.

 

and hey at least I don't come up with new persona's and talk to myself on here.

I don't do that, but I can't say the same for you.

 

nope, didn't say that, but of course you would say that because you twist anything and everything that people say to fit your agenda.

That was exactly what you stated previously.

 

I was referring to the scars and the emotional baggage that I have left from my fathers choices. I was hoping to appeal to the OP in what he is doing to his kids.

Your theory about cheating being hereditary is false. Cheaters cheat because they want to, not because of their parents.

You and the other atta boys, don't care what HE is doing to his kids right now because the OP's justification for his wife's PAST behavior is what you are all about.

I never supported what OP is doing to his kids, I'm just pointing out your own unjustified anger towards married men who cheat with young women. You constantly post how this man is nothing but a seething, calculating POS because of your own bitterness-when both of them consciously made the decision to hook up without a gun to their heads.

 

It feeds right into your hatred of women because of your past. You should consider getting some help for that.

I don't have a hatred for women, but I'm not the one posting about how OP is a predator who's "preying" on a 23-year-old grown woman. I would advise that you get the help you need in order to unchain your unjustified anger towards unfaithful married men. One would only need to see from your threads you created is that you still feel your former OM played you when you know he did not. OP is not to blame for your own issues.

 

Well........amazing that you have some clarity.

....

[jthorne]

I do not see her in any way during day to day life. We have no mutual friends and we live 30 miles apart in a large midwest city. Let's face it though, if she wants to turn into a bunny-boiler she can. She was joking the other day that she "saw my house from space". Scared me a little....google earth, the ultimate tool for stalkers. I have layovers in some exotic locations. She has flown out and met me at a couple of the domestic ones. Gone with me to annual training....etc. My point is if I end it harshly....who knows. I know at 23, especially after a few drinks, reason and control can easily go out the window.

 

I knew I was dancing down this slippery slope when I started, and I accept that. But I would like to do whatever I could to mitigate the possibility.

The reason I asked you the questions about the OW is for this reason. Perhaps if she realizes that you can not offer her what she wants/needs, you may be able to pre-empt any bunny-boiling. Just to be safe, you should probably prepare for the any possibility.

 

But I can pretty safely say that delaying breaking it off will likely make the consequences worse, not better. If she feels that you strung her along in any way...

 

I wouldn't tell her you are breaking it off to work on your marriage. I would instead tell her that you are breaking it off because you can not offer her what she deserves, which is a full-time relationship.

[FL510]

I sense he's still on the fence a bit.

 

Ending it requires action on his part, and right now, limbo may be more comfortable.

 

But as we know, if nothing changes, nothing changes.

 

 

I guess you could say that I am on the fence a bit, been dragging my feet. A part of it is the sex alone. It's everything you would think it would be, and not even factoring in the huge emotional connection we both have, the alpha male side of me is saying "are you crazy?!, look at her!"

 

BUT, over the last couple days I have come to the realization that it needs to be done. It certainly will get much harder down the road.

[jthorne]

I guess you could say that I am on the fence a bit, been dragging my feet. A part of it is the sex alone. It's everything you would think it would be, and not even factoring in the huge emotional connection we both have, the alpha male side of me is saying "are you crazy?!, look at her!"

 

BUT, over the last couple days I have come to the realization that it needs to be done. It certainly will get much harder down the road.

I won't get into the moral or ethical reasons why it needs to be done.

 

I can't say whether your marriage can be saved.

 

What I can say is the kindest thing you can do for the OW is to end the A.

 

I can also say ending it now would probably be an act of self-preservation on your part before she gets too attached.

 

As far as the hot sex, she's not the only person you can have hot sex with. If you don't feel your marriage can be saved, there's plenty of hot sex to be had as a divorcee.

[zsu234]

As a man, I think what your wife did is unforgiveable, she did things for and with dozens of other people she has not done with you. However, if I were to stay, there would be a long list of payback before she ever got my forgiveness. I agree with the other men that your RA pales in comparison to her orgy salad days. Setting up a 3 way between your ww and gf would be delicious revenge. There is another poster on LS who was humiliated by his wife too by her affairs and now he's doing 3 ways with his ww.

 

Honestly I think a woman who's degraded herself like your ww, really deserves what she gets. Your affair doesn't even compare to hers. I agree with others that she really has the slut gene and it's just waiting to come out of remission. If you start doing 3 ways with your ww, that will trigger it. You really should be planning your exit, after you get your pound of flesh of course.

[nyrias]

My opinion/judgement is every bit as valid as anyone else's, and I'll post it as freely as anyone else does.

 

I really couldn't care less if you agree/disagree....that's the beauty of LS.

 

I don't feel that the OP is anymore "right" for having one affair after his wife had several...both cheated, and at this point they both should recognize that fact.

 

His affair is no "better" than hers...they're both destroying whatever "relationship" they share. They should either re-negotiate the arrangements of their relationship, or end it.

 

Your opinion may vary...

 

1) I don't think the OP does not recognize that he is cheating. You are just repeating something that everyone knows. OTOH, he may not CARE that he is cheating.

 

2) I am sure YOU think his A is not "better" than hers. But is that HIS opinion? (The only one that matters.)

 

3) Sure they are destroying whatever "relationship" they share. SO? You kind of "proper" behavior (like exposure, be honest ...) only matters if they want a relationship. If not, all those things about honesty is irrelevant. I don't think i need to honest with someone i hate, and whom I am going to take my revenge upon.

[Owl]

1) I don't think the OP does not recognize that he is cheating. You are just repeating something that everyone knows. OTOH, he may not CARE that he is cheating.

 

2) I am sure YOU think his A is not "better" than hers. But is that HIS opinion? (The only one that matters.)

 

3) Sure they are destroying whatever "relationship" they share. SO? You kind of "proper" behavior (like exposure, be honest ...) only matters if they want a relationship. If not, all those things about honesty is irrelevant. I don't think i need to honest with someone i hate, and whom I am going to take my revenge upon.

 

Catch up. He's already indicated that he's planning on ending the affair, and then determining where his marriage will be headed or not headed.

 

I don't care which he decides...I don't care if he chooses neither, as none of it directly impacts me. But...he came here and posted his story...so it only stands to reason that everyone is gonna chime in with their view...me with mine, you with yours.

 

Your "view" is as relevent as mine is...and mine is as relevent as yours.

 

I'll post mine...you post yours. Don't like that? Not my problem.

[nyrias]

Catch up. He's already indicated that he's planning on ending the affair, and then determining where his marriage will be headed or not headed.

 

I don't care which he decides...I don't care if he chooses neither, as none of it directly impacts me. But...he came here and posted his story...so it only stands to reason that everyone is gonna chime in with their view...me with mine, you with yours.

 

Your "view" is as relevent as mine is...and mine is as relevent as yours.

 

I'll post mine...you post yours. Don't like that? Not my problem.

 

You don't have to repeat the "I'll post mine...you post yours" line. I did post mine and you post yours.

 

No argument there. Keep on posting.

 

OTOH, no reason not to respond to your posts when i see fit.

[jthorne]

My struggle is that I am having a hard time ending this with the other woman. I don't need to, but I think I should. It's extremely difficult. Every time I get close she says or does something that makes me want to wait....uses sex, emotion, whatever...it's like she knows exactly how to play her part. I always get the feeling she is one step ahead of me intellectually. Like she is reading from the playbook of how to be the perfect mistress. I'm not blinded by love or being overly emotional about it...this is after I have stepped back at looked at this objectively.

I wanted to back up a bit and comment on this.

 

You might consider that the bolded above may be a result of the sexual abuse.

 

Children that have endured abuse typically do or say things that they know will bring pleasure to others, even at the expense of what they really want. They do it because they hope they will get love in return. Children of sexual abuse often equate sex with love, and they feel that if someone finds them sexy, or has sex with them, that means they are loveable.

 

It's very likely that she really is not interested in a 3-some with your wife, as stated in another post. She likely said that to you to please you, in hopes that the pleasure would result in love.

 

If you think she's a step ahead of you, it's probably because she is.

I'm not posting this to condone her behavior by any means, but I am posting it to show you how messy things could get.

[FL510]

I wanted to back up a bit and comment on this.

 

You might consider that the bolded above may be a result of the sexual abuse.

 

Children that have endured abuse typically do or say things that they know will bring pleasure to others, even at the expense of what they really want. They do it because they hope they will get love in return. Children of sexual abuse often equate sex with love, and they feel that if someone finds them sexy, or has sex with them, that means they are loveable.

 

It's very likely that she really is not interested in a 3-some with your wife, as stated in another post. She likely said that to you to please you, in hopes that the pleasure would result in love.

 

If you think she's a step ahead of you, it's probably because she is.

I'm not posting this to condone her behavior by any means, but I am posting it to show you how messy things could get.

 

I think this could be exactly the case with her. Never really thought about it like that. Thanks. Does not make my situation any easier but at least it's information that I really think is accurate.

[Lexygirl]

OP, you seemed to manage to end it with the OW before (although temporarily)...

How did you do it then? Probably gradually? She obviously didn't go off the deep end that time other than a few emails.

I truly think you need to do it and soon. The longer you wait, the harder it will get for both of you. Be the leader here. Listen to your gut and get the heck out before it gets REALLY scary. She will survive and so will you.

If you have to, do something to distract your thoughts and desires away from her.

You, yourself said that even if you don't stay with your wife, you need to end it with her because you logically know it won't last.... listen to that logic.

Good luck.