very concerned :(

[TBH]

just found out my sister is in an abusive relationship. its the worst kind where her partner is controlling and manipulating every aspect of her life.

 

she has had a bit of a rough time, she spent years in a previous abusive relationship and has such low self esteem that she really doesnt see how she is being treated.

 

she had an indiscression and her partner said he forgave her, but he brings it up constantly while at the same time telling her she needs to forget about it.

 

he controls and manipulates her sexually, physically and mentally, has control of her phone and email and accuses her of sleeping with people which would never happen even if she was single.

 

I dont want to go into the details but i was shocked and sickened when she told me how he treats her sometimes, and i'm not a person easy to shock.

 

Thing is, she just thinks she deserves this kind of treatment because of the mistake she made. I strongly feel that if you tell someone you forgive them you do just that. if you cant forgive, then you end the relationship, you dont keep that person indebtted to you in order to control them.

 

so what can i do? i know there is no way of making someone leave if they dont want to but at the same time i am very worried and this is my sister after all and its impossible not to care.

I also feel she is not strong enough to make the decision to leave of her own will but she is obviously deeply unhappy.

[Tayla]

Take her out to lunch . Discuss openly how you are concerned. If you have time in your schedule, see if she can attend a counseling for abused adults.

My heart goes out to you. Been both the abused and also a friend to a Lady that went thru physical abuse. It is not pleasant. Had it not been for a program to take her to I don't know if she would have known she is not alone in this. Inaction is definitely not the answer...things don't go away just thru a chat...it takes an active role. Hope you can be there for her .

[linwood]

she had an indiscression and her partner said he forgave her, but he brings it up constantly while at the same time telling her she needs to forget about it.

 

Could you give a little detail about this "indiscretion"?

It might put the guys reported behavior in better context.

 

I dont want to go into the details but i was shocked and sickened when she told me how he treats her sometimes, and i'm not a person easy to shock.

 

Have you actually witnessed this controlling abuse of your sister or are you going by what she`s told you?

 

Thing is, she just thinks she deserves this kind of treatment because of the mistake she made. I strongly feel that if you tell someone you forgive them you do just that. if you cant forgive, then you end the relationship, you dont keep that person indebtted to you in order to control them.

 

That would depend upon the "mistake" in question.

Some things can`t be forgiven or forgotten and situations can be difficult.

[TBH]

Take her out to lunch . Discuss openly how you are concerned. If you have time in your schedule, see if she can attend a counseling for abused adults.

My heart goes out to you. Been both the abused and also a friend to a Lady that went thru physical abuse. It is not pleasant. Had it not been for a program to take her to I don't know if she would have known she is not alone in this. Inaction is definitely not the answer...things don't go away just thru a chat...it takes an active role. Hope you can be there for her .

 

thank you for your reply Tayla.

my family are just at a loss as to what to do now. i cant get her on her own as she is always with her guy. when she told me what had happened i told her it is unthinkable that what he did/is doing is acceptable. she feels it is and that she deserved it.

she self harmed after it all kicked off and had to go to the hospital, they sent her for councelling then but my sister is not the kind of person who really opens up and i think they skirted around the issue and she (like always) told them she was fine etc. and they left it at that

 

I told my mum because it is serious and keeping quiet would just be feeding into his manipulation. my mum has tried to speak to her about it but she just says everything is fine.

so now sister knows i told my mum and is probably annoyed with me for doing that, but she doesnt see that it is very serious and not 'alright' at all.

 

she's in denial, but must know somewhere inside that its not fine

[TBH]

Could you give a little detail about this "indiscretion"?

It might put the guys reported behavior in better context.

 

 

 

Have you actually witnessed this controlling abuse of your sister or are you going by what she`s told you?

 

 

 

That would depend upon the "mistake" in question.

Some things can`t be forgiven or forgotten and situations can be difficult.

 

what a ridiculous reply. i'm talking about abuse here. no i'm not going to go into detail, yes i have seen it and no, no mistake a person could do would warrant this behaviour from a normal, well balanced person.

I am able to see things from both sides and believe me even if this was not my sister and a complete stranger i would still be sickened and shocked.

[chucksagent]

Why is "linwoods" response ridiculous?

 

Being abusive is bad but cheating (or whatever her indiscretion is) is not?

 

I'm not sure I understand your throught process. You sister has no guilt in any of this? This guy is paranoid and controlling for NO reason?!?

 

OR

 

Is it because of this minor (so minor you won't even tell us) indiscretion that led to him losing trust for her.

 

I think trust is earned not blindly given. Your sister needs to realize with her actions come consequences. She wants to have her cake, she can't eat it too.

[Trolly]

Take her out to lunch . Discuss openly how you are concerned. If you have time in your schedule, see if she can attend a counseling for abused adults.

My heart goes out to you. Been both the abused and also a friend to a Lady that went thru physical abuse. It is not pleasant. Had it not been for a program to take her to I don't know if she would have known she is not alone in this. Inaction is definitely not the answer...things don't go away just thru a chat...it takes an active role. Hope you can be there for her .

 

I agree with Tayla. This is sound advice. If your sister is believing that she deserves this sort of treatment, then sometimes it takes a professional to rewire this manner of thinking and certainly voicing your concern and giving your support goes a long way.

[TBH]

Why is "linwoods" response ridiculous?

 

Being abusive is bad but cheating (or whatever her indiscretion is) is not?

 

I'm not sure I understand your throught process. You sister has no guilt in any of this? This guy is paranoid and controlling for NO reason?!?

 

OR

 

Is it because of this minor (so minor you won't even tell us) indiscretion that led to him losing trust for her.

 

I think trust is earned not blindly given. Your sister needs to realize with her actions come consequences. She wants to have her cake, she can't eat it too.

 

Look, just because i've come on here asking for advice without giving specifics, that doesnt give you the right to insinuate that i'm merely talking about people having arguments or someone going through their partners phone to check up on them.

 

I shouldnt have to tell you exactly what he has done in order for you to take me seriously, just understand I am talking actual physical, emotional & sexual abuse here.

 

I never said my sister was completely innocent. I dont condone my sister's infidelity in any way whatsoever but she is my sister at the end of the day. I am worried for her, and for her children who are also living with the guy.

She has been very foolish in the past but how can I stand by when someone I love is in trouble?

 

if you cant try to be helpful then please dont bother replying.

 

I was asking for advice from people who have been in my situation. this is a very serious matter and something which I and my family are very upset and concerned about which is why i have not listed details.

I would hope you would respect that.

Edited September 16, 2011 by TBH

[TBH]

I agree with Tayla. This is sound advice. If your sister is believing that she deserves this sort of treatment, then sometimes it takes a professional to rewire this manner of thinking and certainly voicing your concern and giving your support goes a long way.

 

Thank you Trolly. I will be there for her, I just hope so much that she does realise she needs help. I feel very helpless

[chucksagent]

Listen...if she is TRULY being sexually and physically abused, you need to contact the police. This isn't something to joke around about or NOT take seriously. Now, it shouldn't matter what she thinks, because if you love her and care about her you need to protect her. Just be sure it's what you say it is before contacting the authorities. If someone I knew, cared about, loved, was family, was being physically and sexually abused - it'd go down like this...1) My threaten the person...if it persisted 2) Contact police (if she denied to protect him and it STILL persisted) 3) I'd get to a crossroads where I'd either impose my physical will on that person by attacking them or beating the crap out of them, or I'd say my relative is a grown woman and is responsible for her own choices. (assuming she lied to the police to protect the abuser).