"I can see your cellulite"

[Mutant Debutante]

If I say something like 'you look miserable/Ina miserable mood' I'm usually trying to open a door, starting to ask what's up, invite communication, offer support. I don't see how the cellulite comment is meant to do anything but hurt and make her feel bad. So I really don't see these comments as being the same level, at all. I would be worried about his meanness, that's not a good quality in a LTR. Still I agree going after him like a pit bull is not going to MAKE him understand why he's being a dick, especially since he was already in a funk. And I do wonder what the funk was about. I'm not that confrontational though my style would be to tell him he's acting a jackhole and so I'm leaving for a few days to cool off and he can call and apologize when he realizes why he's being so jackholey. Dunno if that's really a better resonse though, there's probably a healthier middle ground.

[chelsea2011]

I would never put up with a man making comments about my physical imperfections. There is no reason for what he said to her. It was a cheap low blow, meant to cause pain. That isn't love.

 

I completely agree. I was actually responding to a poster that was defending his actions. She probably was fed up with something he was doing and finally stood up and said something. I don't blame her at all. A person can only be miserable about something for so long and then it's time to buck up and own their part in the whole issue.

 

Thanks for stickin up for the girls catNhat...you go!

[BetheButterfly]

This afternoon my live in boyfriend made a very hurtful comment. I was sitting on the floor and he was on his laptop. I told him I thought he was in a miserable mood and he than says to me "I can see your cellulite". I had shorts on.

 

So I asked him what makes him think that is an acceptable comment to make to his girlfriend, he wouldn't answer me. He got up and walked away. So I followed him and asked him again, he ignored me. So I asked him a third time, he than says "well you said I was miserable". I told him in no way, is that ever an ok thing to say to a woman that is sensitive about her weight, or to anyone for that matter. He said he was just "joking" and gave me an empty "I'm sorry".

 

I was upset and didn't drop it, so he angrily left our apartment to go for a bike ride. I got in my car and went for a drive myself to calm down and when I got home a few hours later, he had returned.

I brought it up again, and told him how much that hurt me and he rolled his eyes and said I was overreacting (which he says about everything). I explained why that isn't an ok thing to say, and he said "well I have said it to my sister". This is a 34 year old man, we are talking about. I told him AGAIN, that he shouldn't say that to anyone, especially his girlfriend. He than packed his bag and said he was going to work at his office. I tried to stop him and asked him, why is it that he says something awful to me and than expects me to get over it in a few hours. He says "I said I was sorry twice, and thats not good enough for you". It wasn't that it wasn't good enough, but its the way he said it - with no sympathy or regret. He didn't want to talk about it anymore so he walked out.

 

How is that fair? My bf hurts me and than won't talk about it and leaves. He tries to make me feel that I'm not validated in my feelings, by leaving.

 

Maybe I'm weird, but I don't see how saying "I can see your cellulite." is bad or hurtful, anymore than telling someone you think they are in a miserable mood is bad or hurtful. Both can be facts.

 

Instead of getting mad, why not say, "yes I have cellulite. I don't like it, but i have it. "

 

Why make it a big issue? Why harp about it? If it's a fact, it's a fact. The best thing to do is take care of your weight, do exercises that work that area, and be beautiful inside and out (which both take a lot of work for most people! Even models and movie stars work hard to keep their looks, and often they are airbrushed in media) And being beautiful on the inside takes a lot of patience, love, and caring, which doesn't come easy all the time. It takes work too!

 

So, why make it into a big deal? Own it and do the best you can with what you got, and don't let anybody make you feel bad about it, and don't victimize yourself over it. Just tell him: "Yes I have it. I don't like it but I'm going to work on it, and I would like to work on our relationship too because I love you "(if you do.) Don't make it a fight.

Edited August 22, 2011 by BetheButterfly

[Mme. Chaucer]

I agree with the others that some not lovely dynamic obviously was in play when you contributed the "miserable" comment.

 

I don't think that "pointing out" that your boyfriend is in a miserable mood is very likely to lead to good times. If you wanted to discuss his mood, I'm sure you could have opened a conversation differently.

 

So, I don't think you were necessarily coming from a good place with that... BUT, I think your boyfriend was rude and a jerk for his comment. I'm pretty sure you really got on his nerves when he was, in fact, in a bad mood, so he "repaid" you in kind with a comment he knew would get under your skin.

 

Then, however, the ball was in your court and you went way, way too far trying to make him apologize and whatever. Honestly. Once you told him how his comment made you feel (which I think you were right to do, ONCE), you SHOULD have dropped it. If he'd had some space, he could very well have felt sorry for poking your weak spot. But, since you hectored and cornered him, none of that was forthcoming. It wouldn't be from me, either.

 

If this is just a one time mean jab that happened in a bad moment, you need to let it go, now that you have certainly let him know that it's not acceptable to you ... unless you want to break up over it.

 

If your relationship is fraught with insults and verbal sparring, I think you both need to work through all of that.

[donnamaybe]

Ok so the next time my bf says I'm in a bitchy mood I can tell him he has a small dick?

Yup. That pretty much is in line what the OP described in her scenario.