Confused and hurting

[munchkin]

I met someone through work and out of the blue he asked meout and we started dating. The relationship appeared to have some real potential and was moving along at an impressive pace. He was very sweet, held my hand nearly the entire time we'd be together. We laughed a lot and joked around. He referred to me as his "girlfriend". He slept over at my place. Everything appeared to be almost magical. Then, he stopped calling when he said he would and became less affectionate. I am very confused. I asked him what was going on and he looked at me with shock and apparent fear...as if he were afraid I was about to break up with him. I just don't get it. He swore everything was okay, that he had just been working a lot of long hours and that he'd call me the next day. He didn't call and I was crushed. I have deep feelings for him and my disappointment has left me feeling wretched. Why is it always the ones I really care about that end up pulling the disappearing act? I am not pushy nor clingy and have never been accused of such behaviour, thus, I truly don't understand what went wrong and he says nothing is wrong!?!?

[Tony T]

You ask: "Why is it always the ones I really care about that end up pulling the disappearing act?"

 

The very fact that you ask this question is the very reason why.

 

The human mind is the most powerful engine in the Universe. Everything you see with your eyes was once either in the mind of an inventor, a builder, a manufacturer, or a God before it was manifest into reality. Everything begins as a thought. The grandest structures start as tiny seeds in the mind of an architect or developer. So if you tell yourself that always the ones you really care about end up pulling the disappearing act, you create that reality for yourself.

 

Sounds hokey, I know, but if you change your thoughts you will change your life. You will start attracting men to you who aren't afraid of love, of committment, of long term relationships, of intimate communication, etc. Start telling yourself that you attract men who love you and want to be with you forever.

 

The only problem with my suggestion is you may get a dozen or so guys at the same time. When that problem comes up, post it and we'll deal with it.

 

I think this guy is pretty much like all the others, as you say. Anyone who doesn't call after a wonderful, magical evening is scared out of his wits about that could lead to a permanent relationship. Back off, stop calling him or contacting him, and he will come back around. But this is NOT the type of guy you are looking for.

 

Also, many men under(and some over) 30 are very phobic of committment. They fear many things, including, but not limited to, responsibility, loss of identity, future hurt or rejection, losing their savings in a divorce, not being able to pursue other women anymore...basically changing their whole life in a very major way.

 

When he says nothing is wrong, he is right. You did absolutely nothing. He is probably madly in love with you and therein lies the problem. The more in love he becomes, the faster he will run away. One day he may get over it. Some ladies trap these types by getting pregnant. Some of these committment phobics realize their problem and get therapy.

 

If you delve into his life really well, more than likely you will find that someone he loved in his childhood abandoned him and the event caused him great hurt and pain. He knows that he could be abandoned again...so the more he loves someone, the more he fears that abandonment.

 

No matter what the reason, you need to attract men to yourself who don't have head problems like this. And, then again, you may have the same problem and subconsciously attract these types because you know they will eventually drop off the planet and you won't have to deal with it.

 

Look inside yourself for the answers here. And don't forget to be more positive with your thoughts.

 

There is so much love on this planet. The only person than can prevent you from finding it is Y-O-U!!!

[munchkin]

I don't know, Tony. I mean, I have had serious relationships including a seven-year commonlaw realtionship and a recent marriage proposal (from someone I was seeing after the seven-year relationship ended).

 

It just seems like the ones I could actually see myself taking the plunge with seem to not work out for me. I'd hate to think that I have to ACT like I don't care with the very ones I DO care for in order to play the game successfully. I'm 28 and I really hate games. Why can't peole just be honest with each other?

 

He acts/acted like he is/was in love with me. It was like a dream, much better than anything I could ahve dared to dream actually. It would take a special man to make me feel the way he does. (I've only felt this way a couple of times.) He was the one moving things along. I let him set the pace because I know a clingy woman is doomed in this world. I don't understand what's going on now and I certainly never expected him to hurt me like this. He must know I'm hurting. I can't believe he's doing this.

[Tony T]

To repeat my earlier post, I do believe he is very much in love with you and I believe that has got him very very scared. Re-read my post for a list of the reasons he may be scared.

 

I was at a restaurant several months ago. The owner, from South America, came to my table for some reason and just started chatting. We discussed lots of things, including a bit of philosophy. Then he came out with this bit of wisdom which I will never forget. He said, "The greater the light, the darker the shardow." He did not explain but I thought about it a lot and came to some really big conclusions.

 

I have noticed that the more intense a relationship is for someone, the more darkness often follows, especially if that intensity develops quickly. To say it differently, the greater the intensity of a relationship, the more likely there are to be things that can blow it apart.

 

I know that is counter to everything people want to believe because people come to this forum hoping for deep, intimate, fireworks-type love that will last forever. People will hate me for saying this but I think the more realistic we are about our expectations of love and the more practical we are about it as well, the more likely it will last a very long time. But don't get the idea that I am against that fireworks-type experience. But the only real purpose it serves is to get two people together initially.

 

Sorry for the tangent, back to your problem. You are wanting this guy to behave exactly as you want him to and not how he is. I want that for you too. I guess the best way to find out why he went south on you is to sit down with him, make him comfortable, give him a Coke and some cheeze crackers, and ask him what's with the backing off crap. If he chooses to be forthright and honest...if he even knows himself...you will get some insight. Beyond that, there is just no way of telling for sure...only speculation.

 

I want you to be happy!!!

[Carmela]

Tony,

 

If a guy is so inlove with a woman, then why does he bail like the sky is falling on him? One would think when a man loves a woman, he would move the world not to loser her. I wish that my ex bailed on him because he loved me. Are there any men out there who are able to love a woman without running like the wind? What is it with these guys who fear love?

You ask: "Why is it always the ones I really care about that end up pulling the disappearing act?" The very fact that you ask this question is the very reason why. The human mind is the most powerful engine in the Universe. Everything you see with your eyes was once either in the mind of an inventor, a builder, a manufacturer, or a God before it was manifest into reality. Everything begins as a thought. The grandest structures start as tiny seeds in the mind of an architect or developer. So if you tell yourself that always the ones you really care about end up pulling the disappearing act, you create that reality for yourself. Sounds hokey, I know, but if you change your thoughts you will change your life. You will start attracting men to you who aren't afraid of love, of committment, of long term relationships, of intimate communication, etc. Start telling yourself that you attract men who love you and want to be with you forever. The only problem with my suggestion is you may get a dozen or so guys at the same time. When that problem comes up, post it and we'll deal with it. I think this guy is pretty much like all the others, as you say. Anyone who doesn't call after a wonderful, magical evening is scared out of his wits about that could lead to a permanent relationship. Back off, stop calling him or contacting him, and he will come back around. But this is NOT the type of guy you are looking for. Also, many men under(and some over) 30 are very phobic of committment. They fear many things, including, but not limited to, responsibility, loss of identity, future hurt or rejection, losing their savings in a divorce, not being able to pursue other women anymore...basically changing their whole life in a very major way. When he says nothing is wrong, he is right. You did absolutely nothing. He is probably madly in love with you and therein lies the problem. The more in love he becomes, the faster he will run away. One day he may get over it. Some ladies trap these types by getting pregnant. Some of these committment phobics realize their problem and get therapy. If you delve into his life really well, more than likely you will find that someone he loved in his childhood abandoned him and the event caused him great hurt and pain. He knows that he could be abandoned again...so the more he loves someone, the more he fears that abandonment. No matter what the reason, you need to attract men to yourself who don't have head problems like this. And, then again, you may have the same problem and subconsciously attract these types because you know they will eventually drop off the planet and you won't have to deal with it. Look inside yourself for the answers here. And don't forget to be more positive with your thoughts. There is so much love on this planet. The only person than can prevent you from finding it is Y-O-U!!!

[Tony T]

There are a lot of great relationships out there with the men very happy to be very committed in long term relationships or in marriage. You just don't read about them on this forum and you don't hear trumpets blowing down the streets because they are quite happy, comfortable and have no need to make noise.

 

Many of those who are very happily in long term relationships now at one time had serious fears about committment. So much of it has to do with maturity. There are lots of other components to the fear as well.

 

There are many reasons why guys fear love and I have mentioned them in my recent posts. There are a number of books written about committment phobic men that are availble in bookstores.

 

No, it doesn't seem rational for a man in love to run but people do run from what they fear. In the case of men who run from love, they fear the hurt associated with rejection, abandonment, or a host of other possibilities in their imagination. There are many people people who would love to travel to Europe but they would run if you tried to get them on a plane. Fear does crazy things. People are complex. I wish I had a more clear answer for you...and, even more, I wish I had a cure to the problem.

 

But I assure you, things eventually work out for most everybody. It just takes some people more time than others to find the right person.

[I LISTEN TO MY HEART]

IM REALLY IN LOVE WITH THE GUY IVE BEEN WITH FOR 4AND A HALF YEARS WE PLANNED ON GETTING MARRIED SOON WE BOTH SO IN LOVE WITH EACHOTHER NOW HES MESSED AROUND ON ME A FEW TIMESIN THE PAST NOW WE BROKE UP IN MAY BUT STILL BOTH LIVED TOGETHER WITH OUR ROOMATEHE WENT OUT OF TOWN I GOT DRUNK WITH A GUY AND DID THE STUPIDEST THING EVER JUST WHEN THINGS WERE REALLY GETTING BETTER FOR US YOU ALREADY KNO WHAT I DID IM SO ASHAMED I DONT WANT TO SAY IT.NOW MY ROOMATE KNEW ALL ABOUT I NEVER TOLD HIM HE JUST KNEW .MY LOVE CAME BACK INTO TOWN AND GOT DRUNK AND MY ROOMATE TOLD HIM WHAT HAPPEND. IT REALLY REALLY REALLY BADLY HURT HIM.I TOLD HIM IT WAS A MISTAKE AND I HATED IT I ENDED IT AS SOON AS I FELT TO WIERD ABOUT IT.WE REALLY HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL SOMETHING MOST PEOPLE WILL NEVER FINDI WANT ADVISE ON WHAT TO DO HOW DO I SHOW HIM IT WAS A MISTAKE AND WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN WORDS AND LETTERS ONLY DO SO MUCH I NEED TO SHOW HIM HOW I HATE WHAT I DID.I NEED TO BUILD THE TRUST AGAIN THIS IS MY FAULT ILL NEVER GIVE UP IM GONNA CHASE HIM 4EVERPLEASE HELP

 

[Deejette]

I recently had an experience in which the man kept saying to me that he did not want me to change my mind about loving him. He had told me very early on in the relationship that he loved me. When I told him I loved him he focussed on the day when I would leave him. But once I reassured him that I wouldn't leave and that I needed him around, he withdrew "into his cave." He wrote me several long e-mails, part of one reads,

 

"So, as for us, I still love you and think the world of you, but I think that somehow, a while ago, things invisibly advanced on us and I don't know exactly how. We went from being two independant adults who really enjoyed

 

each other and the time (little as it was) that we spent together, to being a couple who were toughing it out through difficult times. I tried many times to clarify that I didn't and don't feel able to move into that mode

 

for the time being. It seems that we have drifted into more than I am ready for. Now I find myself in the undesirable position of being hurtful toward you, which is not what I want at all. I think I'm consistent here. I'm not BS-ing you

 

or spin-doctoring. I'm sorry if I'm a foolish man to think that I could avoid hurting you while loving you without a commitment to a relationship."

 

I broke up with him for many reasons, but one of them was this withdrawall after lots of declarations of love from him and insistance that I do not withdraw my love from him. He said he wanted love without commitment! This is precisely what we are talking about here. They don't really know what they want and when they get what they want they don't want it any more. I hate stupid games like that and I have no respect for the players who are so blind to their contradictory behavior!

There are a lot of great relationships out there with the men very happy to be very committed in long term relationships or in marriage. You just don't read about them on this forum and you don't hear trumpets blowing down the streets because they are quite happy, comfortable and have no need to make noise. Many of those who are very happily in long term relationships now at one time had serious fears about committment. So much of it has to do with maturity. There are lots of other components to the fear as well. There are many reasons why guys fear love and I have mentioned them in my recent posts. There are a number of books written about committment phobic men that are availble in bookstores. No, it doesn't seem rational for a man in love to run but people do run from what they fear. In the case of men who run from love, they fear the hurt associated with rejection, abandonment, or a host of other possibilities in their imagination. There are many people people who would love to travel to Europe but they would run if you tried to get them on a plane. Fear does crazy things. People are complex. I wish I had a more clear answer for you...and, even more, I wish I had a cure to the problem. But I assure you, things eventually work out for most everybody. It just takes some people more time than others to find the right person.

 

[Carmela]

Deejette,

 

At least this guy was honest with you, and had the respect and consideration to explain to you how he felt. I would give anything for my ex to just be that nice and honest, instead of shutting me out of his life, with no explanation. Some men just aren't ready and can be honest and sensitive enough to tell you, other men just ingore you and treat you like you never mattered a minute in their lives. I sometimes wonder if I am ever going to find the right one!

I recently had an experience in which the man kept saying to me that he did not want me to change my mind about loving him. He had told me very early on in the relationship that he loved me. When I told him I loved him he focussed on the day when I would leave him. But once I reassured him that I wouldn't leave and that I needed him around, he withdrew "into his cave." He wrote me several long e-mails, part of one reads, "So, as for us, I still love you and think the world of you, but I think that somehow, a while ago, things invisibly advanced on us and I don't know exactly how. We went from being two independant adults who really enjoyed each other and the time (little as it was) that we spent together, to being a couple who were toughing it out through difficult times. I tried many times to clarify that I didn't and don't feel able to move into that mode for the time being. It seems that we have drifted into more than I am ready for. Now I find myself in the undesirable position of being hurtful toward you, which is not what I want at all. I think I'm consistent here. I'm not BS-ing you

 

or spin-doctoring. I'm sorry if I'm a foolish man to think that I could avoid hurting you while loving you without a commitment to a relationship."

 

I broke up with him for many reasons, but one of them was this withdrawall after lots of declarations of love from him and insistance that I do not withdraw my love from him. He said he wanted love without commitment! This is precisely what we are talking about here. They don't really know what they want and when they get what they want they don't want it any more. I hate stupid games like that and I have no respect for the players who are so blind to their contradictory behavior!

[Deejette]

Carmela,

 

I feel a little better about things, after your last post, about the man being honest and at least telling me what was on his mind. I should be thankful that at least he tried to explain his confusion to me.

 

Don't give up. You sound like an intelligent and nice person. I think one of the problems is that women want to be loved the way women show love and men love in a different way. As long as we expect them to show the same tenderness, concern, compassion, as we do we might be very disappointed. Nevertheless, as you can see from some of the aware guys on this site (Tony, Rogue, Billy the Kid, Paulie, and others) that there are sensitive, caring guys out there that do know how to express emotion and appreciation for what we are all going through!

Deejette, At least this guy was honest with you, and had the respect and consideration to explain to you how he felt. I would give anything for my ex to just be that nice and honest, instead of shutting me out of his life, with no explanation. Some men just aren't ready and can be honest and sensitive enough to tell you, other men just ingore you and treat you like you never mattered a minute in their lives. I sometimes wonder if I am ever going to find the right one!

[Dianyell]

Tony, If a guy is so inlove with a woman, then why does he bail like the sky is falling on him? One would think when a man loves a woman, he would move the world not to loser her. I wish that my ex bailed on him because he loved me. Are there any men out there who are able to love a woman without running like the wind? What is it with these guys who fear love? I think they fear love because they do not want a serious relationship I feel that most guys are just here for the momemt

[Dianyell]

its going to take time for the trust in your relationship to be regained. i have a similar story. i cheated with my ex-byfriend and to get back at me my boyfreind cheated on me. now we are still together and we are regaining the trust by talking about everything and not holding anything back. what i'm trying to say that if God meant for you to be with that man it will be just give him sometime to think about were he wants you in his life and you do the same. dont be stressed out over anything because that will only bring you to an early grave. i feel that love just falls in place in your life and you just will have to wait your turn.