I Still Love Him and I Am Working On Not Being The Other Woman

[istilllovehim]

That did make me smile... . I am ear to ear now!

[istilllovehim]

Nothing new. Still a broken heart. I am drunk right now. Somehow I spilled my guts to 3 of my guy friends who stopped by here. 1st one, who was his uncle Larry, said that he went by their house today and he knocked on the door. MM didn't answer so he walked over to the neighbors house. A few minutes later the wife showed up and he went over and talked to her. He said she is so high on pills that she coundn't even talk straight. He said that her eyes are all black and she was strange today. She made him feel really uncomfortable and he couldn't wait to leave there. She told him that MM went to bed at 7 last night and it was noon when he was there and he was still in bed. My first instinct was to say and feel "He's depressed without me". Larry said "Yea, that was what I thought too". Larry said that MM loves me. God that broke my heart. I cant imagine him in pain. But after all he did do this to himself. I have to remember, have to, how he was last night. That is the MM that I have to remember or it is going to be so much harder getting over him.

 

Well guy # 2 said that he didn't really know MM so he couldn't really comment on other than he knows I love MM.

 

Guy # 3, long time friend is 20 yrs older than me and is wise, oh so wise. He remembers when we were together back in 95 & 96. I just began the story and of course I began with, his wife cheated on him with his brother in law and he stopped me right there and said, he paid her back with you. Move on.

 

He's probably right. That a**h***. I am glad that I didn't hear from him today. It was actually a stress(less) day. I do miss him. I guess thats why I got drunk, nothing like masking the pain. I just cant deal with it all right now. It seems like its not over yet. I just want him to come here right now and tell me that he loves me even though I know thats wrong. And I am sorry Debster, I am trying to be strong, I am still in NC, but I am hurting. I miss him!!!! What makes this easier? I am about to go into self destruction, I can barely control it. I am lost.

[pitprincess]

Do me a favor, You one too.

Don't drink when things are tuff, Find you something to do like cooking cleaning or babbleing to us.

Dont depend on the bottle to make you through this.

You never know if that one drink will lead to another.

I understand your in control of your self, but I as well think that control can control you when you don't know it.

[istilllovehim]

Well I do feel like a huge idiot getting drunk last night. Besides I am paying for it this morning at work. I was 12 minutes late for work and they hate that... But don't worry about me losing control with drinking. I am really a social drinker, limited to once every month or two. Lately I have been sipping on a beer but rarely finish it. I much rather have a huge glass of tea! But I am glad that I did let go and get myself drunk last night. It helped me to put a lot of things in perspective, I think. I am just proud that I am no NC day # 4. I was going to go to Memphis this weekend to get away from this whole mess but have decided against it. It is Memorial Day weekend and traffic will be really bad. I'll go next weekend. There's not much to update now. Nothing has happened and I am happy about that. I do expect to hear something this weekend though. Maybe not, but who knows. I wonder if he is sitting over there thinking that he is the one in control of this NC. And here I am thinking that I am being strong with my NC. Ah, hell, screw what he thinks!

[istilllovehim]

My mood right now is I AM IN NO CONTACT DAY # 4 YIPEEEEEEEEE...

 

Hey I know that its not that long, but it is a start. Everyone's gotta start somewhere!!!

[otherwomen]

When I was with my MM, he was still sleeping with his wife, he said maybe at all once a month. I was so obsessive of that. I hated it, because I wasn't even sleeping with my husband. He told me him and I made love in 3 1/2 years then him and his wife did in 12. And that I was his best lover, soul mate, and all that crap....

 

Look at these emails he sent me all the time:

 

[color=red]Debbie;

 

How can I make you feel more appreciated? I don't know. I just know that I am so happy that you are in my life, and that wanted to move up here. I love having you so close, I know we don't see each other alone as much as you would like, but I just enjoy being with you ANY time. I don't care if other people are around or not.

 

I love HP, She is very important to me too. She makes me smile every time I see her. She's a good girl and so cute too.

 

I know all of this is not the ideal relationship, but I never want to give you up. I'm sorry that we are stuck with what we have, but I will do my best to make it worth it for you. I know it's worth it for me.

 

I love you DEBBIE!!!

 

D [/color]

 

[color=blue]I will NEVER EVER EVER be out of your life or out of love with you.

I don't look at anything we have done as a mistake. I look at it as the best part of my adult life.

Please don't leave me. I love you[/color]

 

 

I just wish my friend didn't stab me in the back and tell his wife.

I can't help it.

I am still in love with him.

And it hurts even more when he still emails me and says he misses me, and that he loves me...and we live like 1 mile away. Out kids go to the same school.

 

We went to hs together.

 

I'm so sad.

[jmargel]

Let me put it to you all this way. The chances of a MM leaving his wife FOR GOOD and coming to you & STAYING WITH YOU is about 1 in 100,000

 

I made another post on this forum about why and most agreed. Just do a search for it, it probabaly a few pages back.

[cherished]

otherwomen: why did it end? Did he end it with you or you with him?

Sleeping with MM is wrong but since people will do it no matter what why don't you get back with him? You say he keeps sending you emails so why don't you see him again?

 

I'm just asking, I don't know your story so I'm not giving my opinion yet.

 

Oh yeah and if it is enough to be the OW in the beginning what makes you change it later on?

[Debster]

I quite frankly think your ex-best friend did you a favour.

This guy sounds like he knows all the right words to say but lacks action.

 

What I don't understand is why women keep accepting this bull@#t. Don't they understand that they deserve 100% from the man they love. 100% is NOT having him be with someone else.

 

Block his emails. Block his telephone calls.

Realize that you were getting the short end of the stick and regain your self-respect.

[istilllovehim]

Your MM sounds like a real jerk, I'm sorry but he does. Actually most of these MM sound like real jerks. I am not giving mine any praise, he's probably the biggest jerk of all, but at least he did tell his wife everything from the very beginning. We didn't hide anything from her or anyone. It was hard enough being the OW to a MM but to be the OW and to be hidden, FORGET THAT! How can you live with that. You all deserve so much more. You're like a dirty little secret. Damn men!

I say if he doesn't love and respect you enough to tell his wife, then there is a very very slim chance of a future legitimate relationship. I mean, really why cant he tell her? We are all people and we all know that people and feelings change. I think they don't tell because they don't want the wife to leave them. These men are just as screwed up as us. But thats just my 2 cents!

 

But still, YIPEEEEEEEEEEE, I'm on day # 4 and I am smiling again. I am laughing and thinking, why the hell did I go through all that s&it with that a**h***. He was no real man. A real man doesn't play games like he did. I am the bigger person and I will come out a winner!

[otherwomen]

We had to end because of my ex-best friend betrayed me and told his wife....I couldn't believe she would do such a thing. She didn't like him even in HS, but hey this is not HS, she is the town gossiper I hear. I didn't know this when we moved back to this state and town, and I live on the same street as her, so I have to pass her house and her pissy/fake face...

 

So, that day was the end of us.

He didn't want a divorce because he didn't want to hurt her and didn't want to be without his kids, and money and etc. He said he loved her but not in love with her as me. He told me this for 3 yrs. But why didn't he leave? I ask myself that. I think its because he is too embarassed, wonder what people would say and his family. We live in a small town.

 

That night before he got home and she asked him, he had just send me an email that said, hi Princess, I love you.... and I was to meet him for lunch the next day. That was cancelled.

 

We have been talking on email and I have only seen him mayb 3 x's since last year. And it wasn't anything sexual, it was at a restaurant. I brought our daughter so he could see her.

 

He told me all those emails and all the special things we shared, and the love was real at that time...what the hell does that mean? He said I was always his dream girl that got away (after HS). I was his princess..blah blah blah.

 

He told me he won't bring our daughter out to the open, only if I want to. I don't. My husband loves his little girl. Besides that is not what MM and I discussed. But then he changed his mind and called me this and that, because I won't let her know her other side of the family (his). I asked him why he is doing this, and he said well we are not together like before and I saw her all the time. He was suppose to be the godfather and his wife the godmother.

 

We hung out every weekend.

 

Some people might think it is bad of me not to reveal this, the child, but I am doing what is best for her and my family and his too. She will never find out, she is happy here with her sister and brother and is very much loved.

 

I hope he isn't a ticking time bomb someday.

I hate that he lives so close to me and our kids go to school together.

It makes it harder for me.

 

I wish my family could move. But this is a brand new house we built. Just sucks..

 

I'm lonely, cry alot, and just miss being loved.

Counseling doesn't help. I go every week.

 

[istilllovehim]

Okay, so NC was blown out of the water! When I got home, I blocked their home phone number. Well he called me tonight from his cell phone (I cant block that # because it isn't local. I answered all bitchy and said "Hello". He said "hey". I said "What do you want". He asked me if I was mad because he was calling. I told him "Yea, you cannot call me". He said he couldn't help it. He said he made a huge mistake. He just wanted to know how I was doing because he is all messed up since we have been apart. I told him "You cannot do this to me. We cannot be together. You chose her, now deal with it. She will never let us be together". I did screw up and told him that I was depressed to and didn't know up from down anymore. He said him too. We only talked for about 5 minutes and he had to go. He asked me at the end of the conversation if I didn't want him to call me anymore. I told him I didn't know, I would have to think about it.

 

I should have told him NO, Don't call me anymore but I didn't. I don't know why I didn't. I am kicking myself right now. I have to end this once and for all. It just hurts so damn bad.

[istilllovehim]

Oh, forgot to mention that I have a tracphone with only 3 minutes left on it so I have been leaving it here at the house. I looked at the caller ID on it tonight and I see that MM has called 2 times but it doesnt say what day or what time. HMMMMMM...............

[cherished]

Sounds like this isn't over yet...no matter what was said it sounds like this will be something that will continue because you love him, he loves you, she loves him.

This cycle has continued since HS (with the break in between) but if you love him why try and end it.

Why not hang on just to see if it will work...just because "society" says it's wrong if you want to do then just do it.

I personally wouldn't know what tp do in a situation like this but they always says go with you heart!

[istilllovehim]

My song to my MM is "Broken" by Seether. Just heard it and oh man does that explain it all!

[istilllovehim]

I cant just let things happen again. There is no future with him. She will never allow him to be happy and she will take it out on all of us, including the kids. We have to move on. I just made my first move, I called a single ex of mine that I also dated back in 95. He was 24 and I was 17 and it was sweet but he wanted more from me than I had to give at the time. He was ready to marry me that very moment. I haven't had another man so crazy about me ever, besides my ex-husband. I even got pregnant with his child and lost it. I have never told him anything about the pregnancy because of my mother threatening with legal action. I guess I feel like I have unfinished business with him and right now I have this stong desire to reach him. I think he could help me get over MM. Is that selfish? I just left a message for him and I will let you all know if he calls. I hope so, I am anxious. I am ready to move on and have a normal life.

[Debster]

Don't let it happen again - you have come so far.

The only future you would have with him would be full of sadness and stalkings.

 

While I do think you should move on, are you ready to date?

Only you can answer that. Just make sure that you are not looking to date just to piss off your MM or get back at him. If you are, then you are dating for the wrong reason and could possibly hurt someone in the process.

 

Give yourself time to heal. Spend time doing things you like. Reconnect with friends. Enjoy your child. Then, once you are ready, willing and able to give your heart to someone new, start dating.

[istilllovehim]

Tonight has been a really hard night on me. Just when I think I take a step forward, I take two back. I am still being strong but I am really sad. I really miss him. What's worse, he misses me too. His grandma told me that. She's honest because she wants MM to be with his wife for the kids but she said this is tearing him up. We are both hurting for each other. We just cant have each other. I think I will always love him!

[cherished]

Ok my question may sound mean but I just want to know, why continue to attempt to date your exes from the past? Why not try and move foward to the future with someone you could meet in the future?

They say an ex is an ex for a reason...

One more thing...you mentioned contacting this guy that you dated way back in '95 well has he contacted you recently or attempted to? How do you know he isn't married or is still interested?

If he is interested that's great but I think it would be more healthy for you to work on your own self before trying to replace one relationship with another.

[istilllovehim]

I guess I am just thinking back to my past trying to figure out where I went wrong and I keep thinking about this ex of mine. He was crazy over me. I know he isn't married, he just recently divorced. I see him every once in a while and I don't ever speak to him other than hi but I can tell he wants more.

I guess I don't start with someone new because I live in a small town, 1100 people to be exact, give or take a few. There aren't that many to choose from. I go to work first thing in the morning, work all day, go home, get my little one fed, bathed and ready for bed. I don't get a chance to go out and meet new people. On the weekends, I usually have too much to do to go out and if I do go out I want to be with my friends who I rarely see. That pretty much means that I never leave my home town except to go to work.

I just found out that my ex-husband will be released on June 4th. Thats 3 days away. OMG. I haven't even sent his clothes to Indiana yet. The last time I spoke to my mother-in-law she told me that they will come and get them. This is scary. I don't know how to react to him. He has written a few letters but they were all to our son. He is probably so mad at me for not writing him. I hope he is not mean to me. I hope we can get along. It is going to be weird being around him. I do not want to get back together though. I am going to call his mom at lunch.

Wish me luck ya'll. And today I feel stronger and I am on NC day # 4 again. Would have been 8 if MM wouldn't have called me on Friday. I still miss him and my heart feels torn in two.

[cherished]

Isn't this the EX who used to ABUSE you? I understand that you live in a small town so therefor it's hard to meet new people. I also PRAY for your sake and the sake of your son (even though this is his father) that you don't fall back in your old relationship with someone who cared more about his drug (I gather from your earlier posts) than you and his son!

I can already see the red flags coming up, just remember that you left him for a reason and that you claim he threatened your life and it was hard to break away.

I feel from your post that you are excited that's he'll be home soon! Just be strong no matter what even though you're broken hearted now obviously you've always desereved beter than what your ex gave you!

[istilllovehim]

No, I am talking about an ex from my home town. A guy I dated back in 1995. I'm not serious about him or tying to get with him to be serious. I guess I am just rembering about how good I was treated by him vs. how MM has done me.

I am not at all excited about my xh getting out of jail. The mere thought makes my stomach turn. I don't know how to react to him. We were best friends as well as lovers for a long time and I don't want to lose the friend part. He is a wonderful guy when he is off of drugs but still I am not in love with him anymore so there is no chance of reconciliation. I just hope he can still respect me. I just called his mother and she asked if he could stay with me a few days. I said it would be okay because I do want us to be friends. NO sex, I cant be with a man that way unless my heart is into it and I won't do that to him or me. We have to have a good relationship without strings because we do have a child together.

I am just trying to find a way to cope with this horrible situation of losing my MM. I am almost at the point of "if MM calls, I will take him back" but I am not there yet and hopefully I wont be. I just love MM and don't like having to face each and everyday hurting like this. There is no man in this world that will change that. I have always loved him!

[pitprincess]

istilllovehim=

Looks like the next few days when your X comes to your home and stays could get intresting...

Still watching your posting on this mm

 

Glad your doing ok and hanging in :)

[istilllovehim]

Ah, it will be fine. I don't know why I was freaking out. He was once my best friend and I know that we have only each others best interests at heart. If anything he will be supportive of me and help me cope. I would for him. I just don't want to let him know too much because it would obviously hurt him to know I hurt this bad over another. And as unstable as he is, if he knows that W was threatening to kill me or come over to the house and start **** with our child there....she'd be in deep ****. I can't let him know that. There is already too many problems here. My son will be so happy to spend time with him. I am sure that he will always have to come and stay with me, or at least until I am in a relationship or married. We have always had to struggle and there is no way he is going to be able to afford a hotel. It will be okay.

[istilllovehim]

Wife called again last night. Crazy as usual. Its not over yet! Will post more later, busy at work now.