old friend/boyfriend needs space..dont know what to do

[elkiepie]

hey i'm a new member here.

ive been increasingly stressed out over my dilemma and need somewhere to look for advice. thought this may be a good place

 

my close close friend and i started dating a few months ago. we have been friends for 4 years. i have always been his confidant and he has done a lot for me. i had a crush on him for years as well. he fell in love with me this year, and expressed it and we began dating. thigns have been perfect in my opinion until about a week ago. we talked and still do for HOURS everday and see eachother all the time-mostly by his choice.

 

a week ago he started acting really weird, looking at me different etc. since we started dating he has strongly encourageed me to tell him if anything small ever bothers me, and i always told him as he said he doesnt want small misunderstandings to ruin our relatinship. however he has been the one keeping stuff inside

 

a while ago i asked him what we were, as i was confused if we were dating or going out etc. he told me he didnt like labels and i got confused.. so (as i recently found out) he settled for less and agreed we were going out as bf/gf.

 

now he is telling me he wants to get rid of that label and start from scratch because the "stereotypes and confinements of that archetype" are not allowing him to tell me anything. he feels he cant tell me things anymore. and that he is annoyed with me for unknown reasons. he tells me he needs space..

 

i agreed that we can start over..but i am confused because he hid feeligns from me and im not sure what he wants me to do. i tried talking to him about it..not to nag.. but because i sincerely want to know what he wants or needs or what is really wrong so that i can fix the problem. he says he needs space yet he still calls me like crazy and wants to see me all the time. then when he sees me becomes easily irratable. when i asked him , and treying to explain to him that i udnerstand the no need for labels, but can he humor me for 5 mintues so i know where we stand? he gets angry that i want to know what this starting over means, and my inability to share thigns with him is causing me great greif. He says what really matters is if i love him or not.

 

he is a great guy and this is not because he wants to date other girls. im the ONLY girl hes dated in four years..so its ntohign like that. i'm just feeling increasingly anxious because i dont know what to do to fix such a problem because his description of the problem is vague, and even though i explained this is why i try to ask he gets angry when i ask about what i should do and what he means by space (such as should i phsycially be away, not talk..or just lowere the intesity of our relationship) so ive decided not to talk about it anymore.. i feel like he is making a problem out of nothing. i understand that it sucks when you feel you cant tell someone somthing. but i dont understand why he cant just try to tell me things like he used to.

 

any advice on what i should do? should i try to distance myself so he can think about what he needs to do?

i hope this question makes sense and that i explained it well

thanks

[Red Flag Rick]

I read your post and the picture of a very uncomfortable guy in an extremely itchy sweater comes to mind... he sure does seem uncomfortable... and he appears to run the show... and that comment about settling is so unsettling.

 

for someone who supposedly wants to know everything, Itchy sounds like he does not want to hear anything. obviously, he resents you big time and is mighty troubled...

 

he wants a relationship but he doesn't want to define it.

he wants space but he doesn't want to define it.

he resents you but he doesn't know how to define it.

he wants to start over but he doesn't know how to define it.

and stereotypes and confinements have duct taped his mouth shut?

 

how did you find out about his "unsettling" comment? and you do mean that he thinks he settled for you, right? and he turned on a dime like this? no other signs you can think of?

 

you say you have been crushed out on him for years... now that you are in a relationship, have you noticed an increase in your displays of affection? you have obviously wanted this for a long time... i know that feeling... and i know how i acted when i finally nabbed that manmorsel... is there a possibility that you could be smothering him? sounds like something has been building up, and your perception of things being perfect may not have allowed you to look for any scratchin' (red flags) that signaled his ever-growing disdain for this very itchy sweater...

[moimeme]

I think he's frustrated by his own inability to express his feelings. He feels peculiar around you but can't figure out what's causing it. I would leave it for a bit and see if any notions finally come to him.

 

According to John Grey, men think they are supposed to be able to fix everything, so that he can't figure out what is wrong, much less fix it, could be bugging him.

 

now he is telling me he wants to get rid of that label and start from scratch because the "stereotypes and confinements of that archetype" are not allowing him to tell me anything. he feels he cant tell me things anymore

 

It almost sounds as though he has ideas and expectations in his own mind that he's battling. After all, stereotypes are mental constructs and to me, that was a very odd thing to say.

 

My suggestion is to try to chill for a few weeks. Don't try to sort it out or ask questions and see whether he manages to get a handle on what it is that is his problem by himself. I'm not getting a vision of an itchy sweater; I'm picturing someone who's trying to think of a word or a song lyric and it's at that 'almost but not quite remembered' stage where a couple more seconds will bring the answer - but he keeps getting interrupted. If left alone, maybe it will finally come to mind.

[elkiepie]

thank you guys very much for your long and thoughtful responses

 

i gave him all the space he wanted the last few days and we have been getting along great.. he told me he feels he can tell me things again.

and then he told me what he needed to tell me...

 

he wants to be single again. He wants us to take a break, and during this break be friends.. but not just friends-dating casually. Just not going out or gf/bf.

 

he said that he starting feeling this way a while back when he realized that i'm the girl he wants to settle down with forever. that he wants to be with me forever because we have known eachother for yhears, get along so well etc. BUt, he feels like hes missing out on something. he mentinoed that he hadnt dated enough girls yet, etc. He says he most likely wont date any girls during our "break" but its just a feeling hes having. He said hes scared of settling down caz he wasnt prepared to find someone he wants to settle down with forever yet.

 

i know he cares and loves me alot but i dont know how to react to this. If i should wait around for him or try to distance myself in case he decides in a few months that hes STILL not ready for a relationship.

 

when he started feeling this i noticed him not saying i love you very much anymore and he started acting distant..but in a childish way (he is 23). i think he is confused and i dont know what to do. its very hurtful as i dont just want to be his friend. i want to be in a relatinoship with him. i told him i understand and i'll accept it , but it still hurts.