Wife left children and me after 22yrs married

[scottishguy]

Hi everyone, new here.

 

I have read a couple of the threads before posting, and have found some of the comments and advice given out really helpful.

 

I am struggling to understand, and also struggling to explain to the children why my wife walked out after 22yrs married and with 3 kids ( 14,13,and 11) for what on the surface is no reason.

 

She woke me up one Saturday night just under 2 months ago at 2am to tell me she was leaving for a man who loves her and can support her better financially, and she has been seeing for 4 weeks!. ( i have to say things are not very easy but not too bad, and were paying down the credit cards and loans,we were 5 years from paying off the mortgage, so we could see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak)

 

After the shock and arguing she said she was leaving and would see the children " at week-ends or whenever" This shocked me more than anything because the woman i know lived for her children.

 

Within a day her new partner seems to have told her to get lost, and she is now in her mums spare room.

 

I cant get her to talk to me about her reasons, and we barely communicate at all now. When we do talk it is like we are strangers and anytime i ask why she either says she cant talk about it just now, or that it is done now and doesn't matter.More worryingly when she see the children, they come home in tears, because she acts like nothing has happened to them, and has said to them that the situation is normal because it happens to lots of other kids.

 

I know its early days in these things, but i cannot see a way back. To be honest I'm not sure i want her back.

How could things ever get back to normal?

 

Should i just get the practical stuff sorted and put the last 25yrs behind me?

 

I have done lots of soul searching and wondered what it is i have done, or not done, but other that the occassional row about money, and her drinking too much in front of the children, i am at a loss.

 

Am i being too hasty in my decision making?

 

What the hell do i tell the kids?.

Its getting more like the youngest one is the only one who wants much to do with her, and believe me that gives me no pleasure to see whatsoever.

 

I am generally a fairly private person, and have only talked to my family, including in-laws few of my closet friends.

[2011aug]

I find kids, especially the ones with your ages, are very perceptive. I believe you need to be honest and straightforward with them. Love them. They can thrive well with only 1 parent's love.

 

 

In regards to your wife, do the 180 for your own sanity. The 180 is for your survival.

 

Lawyer up. Or to save costs, do a lot of internet research on where you stand legally and financially.

[carson2002]

I agree with 2011Aug about the kids, my wife left a few months ago after 31 years with the minimum of explanation and moved up to Birmingham to be with her "friend" leaving me with about 40K worth of debt. she's since been seen by my daughter wearing a new ring given to her by this guy and has given up her well paid job to live on the dole and play house with him.

 

As to the 180 read up on it but because of the kids I think LC is the best you can get and because of that I'd cherry pick from the 180's options - remember the 180 is to reduce your pain and help you begin to let go, not necessarily to win your wife back

 

Things are gonna be confusing at the moment you won't know if you still want her or whether you want to kick her to the curb. Because she's not willing to talk you won't know which is the best route to take on this at the moment and you'll end up doing a lot of second guessing which is only going to cause you more hurt and pain. she may never give you the explanation that you need.

 

Until things sort themselves out a little more you need to protect yourself and your kids. It may be she decides to come back but until something is definite Seperate your finances and get some advice, most solicitors will give you a free initial consultation and the citizens advice bureau is completely free and can advise you about everything from housing, debt, mortgage rescue and where to get counselling - a free invaluable resource here in the UK especially if money is tight.

 

Good luck and keep posting, My situation regarding friends and family was similar to yours and i found loveshack is a great place to vent and seek advice. Most posters have already been where you are now and can see the whole world of pain and hurt coming your way and because of that can give you advice on the coping strategies that worked best for them.

[tojaz]

Common! She thought the grass is greener but the OM booked when things got a little too real! Now the damage is done.

 

For right now she is lost in the fog of the affair. Her pride will keep her from talking to you or admitting that, possibly forever and that will spill over to her relationship with the kids, the only way she can live with herself is to create separation and to convince herself (and as many as she can) that what has happened is for the best and "not so bad".

 

My advice, Do the 180 but only the parts that will help you, anything designed to be seen by her is not going to have an effect at this point.

 

Decide how you would have it play out if you had a choice. Would you want to reconcile? Could you forgive? Or has this damaged the M to the point of no return. You may never get this choice, but its important to know for yourself where you stand should it come up.

 

Do nothing to reinforce the negative views she has of you. Right now shes looking for something good to hide behind, you don't want to be the one to give it to her.

 

Speak to an attorney, just for the sake of knowing your rights in regards to custody and assets. While she may seem indifferent to all that now, take nothing for granted, you didn't see this coming either.

 

Otherwise, keep being a good father to your kids and help them through this however you can, and keep posting.

 

TOJAZ

[2.50 a gallon]

You have received some good advice here.

 

Now for the next step, it is time to cover your a$$.

 

Start a journal, noting every action between you and her, times, locations, what was done and what was said.

 

Also get yourself a voice activated recorder and keep it in your pocket when ever you are in close contact with her.

 

The reason being, she can not be trusted. Wayward Wives have been known to start an argument and then call the police and claim that their husband has abused them. Husband goes to jail, and while there is served with a temporaty restraning order keeping you from the house and kids.

 

If you have the VAR in your pocket you can play back the argument to prove you innocence.

[John Michael Kane]

Document everything about her cheating if you can then give it to your lawyer when you ask him to file for divorce. Throw out all of her things and wake HER up to tell her that her sh*t is on the lawn for her. Take your amount from the joint account if you guys have one.

[Mauschen]

You've gotten great advice so far. I feel for your children. Being a pre-teen/teen is hard enough as it is. If you haven't already, get them into therapy. Hopefully the therapist can guide you in what to tell your children.

[scottishguy]

Thanks for the advice and support folks.

 

i will read up on the 180 thing and see whats best for me.

 

The kids haven't been fooled, and it is becoming increasingly obvious they are more interested in visiting their granny than their mum when they do see her.

I try to encourage them to visit their mother, and that i won't and can't stop them from seeing her, but even now they are seeing very liitle of her through a combination of their choice and them being back at school. I just cant believe their mother is seemingly happy with this.

 

I have started seperating the finances, mainly for practical reasons. however there is a bit of me that knows it is the only way i can get her to respond to me, and hopefully it hits home to her what she has done.

 

My brother told me on day one to write a diary of everything, keep text messages etc. He also was the one that told me to play it whiter than white when it came to talking to her ( not that there has been much of that) and arranging for her to see the kids.

 

I have learned a lot about myself and my kids over the last couple of months, and if anything i feel a lot more confident about myself, which seems perverse considering the huge kick in the nuts i got!

[John Michael Kane]

Thanks for the advice and support folks.

 

i will read up on the 180 thing and see whats best for me.

 

The kids haven't been fooled, and it is becoming increasingly obvious they are more interested in visiting their granny than their mum when they do see her.

I try to encourage them to visit their mother, and that i won't and can't stop them from seeing her, but even now they are seeing very liitle of her through a combination of their choice and them being back at school. I just cant believe their mother is seemingly happy with this.

 

I have started seperating the finances, mainly for practical reasons. however there is a bit of me that knows it is the only way i can get her to respond to me, and hopefully it hits home to her what she has done.

 

My brother told me on day one to write a diary of everything, keep text messages etc. He also was the one that told me to play it whiter than white when it came to talking to her ( not that there has been much of that) and arranging for her to see the kids.

 

I have learned a lot about myself and my kids over the last couple of months, and if anything i feel a lot more confident about myself, which seems perverse considering the huge kick in the nuts i got!

 

That's good you're strong. Hang in there.

[Tayla]

Have you considered counseling for the children and yourself? I take it from your post you may come from a country that differs in legal rights for spouses. For that I would recommend seeking advisal from an esquire or lawyer in your area. Legally you have some rights since she abandoned the family.

Have you started legal proceedings? Its probably a way to get your ducks in a row for your families sake.

To your children, be truthfull with them without casting judgment. Tell them the truth in so much as the marriage is over , share with them that you will still be a stable role in their lives. They are grieving as are you, together this can be worked thru....

[andyg99]

I try to encourage them to visit their mother, and that i won't and can't stop them from seeing her, but even now they are seeing very liitle of her through a combination of their choice and them being back at school. I just cant believe their mother is seemingly happy with this.

 

 

you are a good man but I'd change one thing - don't encourage them to see her but also DO NOT discourage them either (I know you won't do that), stay kind of neutral, your kids are old enough to know what happened and it seems like they maybe they harbor some resentment towards her (who can blame them). Let them see her when they want to and it's their choice. By encouraging them to see her maybe they might feel like "why is dad doing this? I don't want to see her", it may seem like less encouraging and more like "forcing"... it's early on in this mess, if much time has passed and they still don't want to see her bring that up with a counselor. It seems like you get it though, you want your kids to have both parents and that is how it should be. You will come through this fine, it takes time but you WILL be ok....

[Tiberius]

If you want my advice its time for you to get real. Step one, get a restraining order if you can. Step 2, emergency custody order of your children. Step 3, file for divorce and put her on child support. You will be surprised at how quickly she will swallow her pride and ask you to take her back. However IF you take her back, you risk that she leaves with the children the next time.

[scottishguy]

you are a good man but I'd change one thing - don't encourage them to see her but also DO NOT discourage them either (I know you won't do that), stay kind of neutral, your kids are old enough to know what happened and it seems like they maybe they harbor some resentment towards her (who can blame them). Let them see her when they want to and it's their choice. By encouraging them to see her maybe they might feel like "why is dad doing this? I don't want to see her", it may seem like less encouraging and more like "forcing"... it's early on in this mess, if much time has passed and they still don't want to see her bring that up with a counselor. It seems like you get it though, you want your kids to have both parents and that is how it should be. You will come through this fine, it takes time but you WILL be ok....

 

Thanks for the support. I'm so glad i joined up to this forum.

It is so helpful (but really sad to see how common this kinda crap is) to just read how others are dealing with their own situations.

The practical stuff around the whole break- up i find relatively easy, it's dealing with "feelings and stuff" i guess we all find a bit more difficult

Maybe encourage was the wrong way of putting it, but like you say i don't want to discourage them for the fear of alienating them. Besides we live in a small town and it is inevitable that our paths will cross from time to time. They are young but than again they do have their own minds and it works in my best interests to let them see the situation from their own point of view.

 

Not sure about the counselling for them or me. They already made it quite plain they dont really want the school to know unless absolutely necessary. Guess its in the DNA of us emotionally repressed Scots

 

Anyway have a good evening everyone and thanks again.

[scottishguy]

If you want my advice its time for you to get real. Step one, get a restraining order if you can. Step 2, emergency custody order of your children. Step 3, file for divorce and put her on child support. You will be surprised at how quickly she will swallow her pride and ask you to take her back. However IF you take her back, you risk that she leaves with the children the next time.

 

Honestly i'm already realising i dont miss her, and as each day passes the thought of her coming back becomes less appealing. Over the past few days i am starting to realise i don't want her back, i suppose that might change, but thats how i feel right now.

 

Don't think i need the lawyers invoved yet as the kids are in my custody in the family home and that WON'T change.

The CSA ( UK child support) are on my to do list if she decides to be stupid about paying towards the children.

[Tiberius]

The CSA collects from dads, not mums. You should really cover your back, if she decides to get the authorities involved, where the children end up and who is put on child support will be out of your control, so you should get the authorities to work for you, before she gets them to work for her.

 

Cover yourself legally, get the best divorce you can and secure custody of the children legally. Seperation is a legal battle that is about whinning and losing and you should treat it that way.

 

If you want to grant her more of anything than she is entitled to in the divorce decree, such as visitation of the kids, money or even taking her back, you can afterwards at your own discretion, but right now you have to focus on whinning the legal battles.

Edited August 24, 2011 by Tiberius

[scottishguy]

The CSA collect from the absent parent who doesn't contribute to their childrens upkeep.

[sadhubby]

my wife of 11yrs while i was away for work trip cleaned out my house took my 2 dogs and moved back home last week. i say to you this she cheated on me once 5 yr mark we seperated once 7 yr mark 4 months so she could legally cheat again, so to speak . and she claimed the whole time it was my fault for not paying enough attention to her !! i actually believed that crap for along time. well guess what shes been talking to her ex high school boy friend behind my back recentley too. i say that to say this i WISH NOW I WOULD HAVE ENDED IT LONG AGO!! i used this site many times and many told me to leave her but i always won her back looking back now they were right !! 25yrs is a long time but another happy 2 if that before she does it again. once they get the upper hand over you your all done.

[robf1971]

 

Don't think i need the lawyers invoved yet as the kids are in my custody in the family home and that WON'T change.

 

With all due respect Scottishguy, you are wrong.

[NXS]

I agree with the other posters here ScottishGuy, you are in a legal limbo at the moment and this could change very quickly when she snaps out of her fog. As the responsible adult you need to make preparations for custody of the children and the family home. I would say thread slowly and carefully but be ready for a full on battle if she decides to be vindictive, she could throw all kinds of false allegations against you.

 

- Maintain minimal contact and be civil.

- Don't plead/beg/harrass/shout or in any way try to coerce her into returning.

- Keep a daily log.

- Don't say anything about custody or the family home to her, for now.

 

You don't want to be a weekend father, a lot of other posters here have gone/are going through that and it's hell. You'll end up paying child support for the children, will have very little contact with them and the latest bf will see them more than you. You may also suffer parental alienation.

 

Seek some free legal advice and be prepared. Congrats on being a responsible dad.

[scottishguy]

I agree with the other posters here ScottishGuy, you are in a legal limbo at the moment and this could change very quickly when she snaps out of her fog. As the responsible adult you need to make preparations for custody of the children and the family home. I would say thread slowly and carefully but be ready for a full on battle if she decides to be vindictive, she could throw all kinds of false allegations against you.

 

- Maintain minimal contact and be civil.

- Don't plead/beg/harrass/shout or in any way try to coerce her into returning.

- Keep a daily log.

- Don't say anything about custody or the family home to her, for now.

 

You don't want to be a weekend father, a lot of other posters here have gone/are going through that and it's hell. You'll end up paying child support for the children, will have very little contact with them and the latest bf will see them more than you. You may also suffer parental alienation.

 

Seek some free legal advice and be prepared. Congrats on being a responsible dad.

 

 

Thanks

 

I will take on board what you all are saying, i guess it needs someone to point out where i really am, and what i need to do.

 

I think i am following the first 3 of the 4 points you made, and i just need to clear my head of doubts and get on with the 4th.

I will be honest and say the reason i put off getting lawyers invovled, is that she was a legal secretary back before we had kids (17yrs ago), and she was playing away with her boss. We sorted that out, or so i thought, but i have always harboured a very deep distrust of the legal profession, even to the extent i let her deal with all the stuff surrounding moving house(s) over the years.

 

you are right though, i must pull my finger out and get on with it.

 

a great big thanks to everyone on here, your advice has been invaluable so far.

[NXS]

Thanks

 

I will take on board what you all are saying, i guess it needs someone to point out where i really am, and what i need to do.

 

I think i am following the first 3 of the 4 points you made, and i just need to clear my head of doubts and get on with the 4th.

I will be honest and say the reason i put off getting lawyers invovled, is that she was a legal secretary back before we had kids (17yrs ago), and she was playing away with her boss. We sorted that out, or so i thought, but i have always harboured a very deep distrust of the legal profession, even to the extent i let her deal with all the stuff surrounding moving house(s) over the years.

 

you are right though, i must pull my finger out and get on with it.

 

a great big thanks to everyone on here, your advice has been invaluable so far.

 

I don't blame you having a deep distrust of the legal profession, they are very misandric when it comes to family law. However you need to be prepared in case it comes to a legal battle.

 

You are in the best possible position at the moment though it may not seem like that now. Having your children and the family home is ideal, it doesn't get any better than that for a man after a split. The longer it stays like this the harder it will be for her to gain custody, courts don't like to make any radical changes when it comes to the children. So just thread carefully and continue to be the best dad you can be.

 

Best of luck and keep posting.

[robf1971]

You are in the best possible position at the moment though it may not seem like that now. Having your children and the family home is ideal, it doesn't get any better than that for a man after a split. The longer it stays like this the harder it will be for her to gain custody, courts don't like to make any radical changes when it comes to the children. So just thread carefully and continue to be the best dad you can be.

 

Best of luck and keep posting.

 

Seconded,

 

You are riding the crest of a wave here. While your wife is off having fun, you need to be quietly preparing legal protection. Do it now, not tomorrow...

[Tiberius]

Don't think i need the lawyers invoved yet as the kids are in my custody in the family home and that WON'T change.

 

With all due respect Scottishguy, you are wrong.

 

/signed

 

The courts heavily favour the side that strikes first legally. Why? To teach a lesson. The lesson being it does not pay to attempt to keep judges and lawyers out of the money loop. In a divorce they see the party that approached the legal system first as the customer and the party that dragged his or her feet as the bad boy who tried to keep money from them. If your wife files first she will get almost everything she asks for unless your lawyer is a lot more expensive than hers, to offset the fact that she filed first, yes even custody of the children, although they reside at your house currently, she might even get the house on top of it.

Edited August 29, 2011 by Tiberius

[scottishguy]

Thanks for the continued support and advice. I am starting to get things together preparing what im going to say and do regards the lawyers. i hope to get the ball rolling next week. My only niggling doubt is that 2 months is going to be seen as a bit on the quick side, and i don't want to come across as opportunist.. however i do take on board your comment Tiberius.

 

As regards her, I think because she cant get a reaction out of me anymore, her latest tactic now seems to be to piss the children off by breaking promises at the last moment with regards to taking them out, meeting them,and promising to call them back when they want to speak with her.

 

She texted me tonight on the eve of her taking the youngest to a competition for her hobby leaving town at 8am tomorrow to get there in time (she had been telling my daughter all week she would take her), claiming she is unfit to drive because of her new medication. She was arrranging the final details with my daughter not 3 hours earlier. Mental!!! . Strange how these things only happen on her days off

[scottishguy]

finally took the plunge and after asking her to take her name off the mortgage and got a lawyer who opened my eyes to a few realities of separation divorce etc.

 

The main positive is the fact the children can stay with me (if they want) without the threat of the family home being forced to be sold off.

 

According to advice,I am almost certain legal custody of the children , and the fact that i can demonstrate i have never stood in the way of them seeing mum has also worked in my favour.

 

I was also surpised to find out that any money etc i save or acquire after the date of seperation cannot be claimed by her even while we are still married.

 

In Scottish law, i can get a divorce in one year of seperation as long as we agree the terms and have the custody and finances agreed.

 

I was advised to only use the adultery card if she shows signs of being unreasonable on the "uncontested" route, as the courts would then get invovled , which at the end o the day only benefits the courts & law firms pockets(the solicitors words, not mine)

On the minus side, it is going to cost me big time to pay her off.

Half of The difference between the value of the house and the outstanding mortgage.

half of the cash in value of the endowment policices that were set up to cover the interest only part of the mortgage.

Half of the pool of our pensions

( I can argue down some of the percentages but 50-50 is a baseline)

 

it was also annoying to hear that my work pension can be raided by her, just becuase she wouldnt take one out herself as she preferred to have the extra cash in hand to spend, and then some!.

Unfortunately i transferred a lot of the credit card debt she accrued into my name to try and pay it off at a lower rate. This was when i thought we were still a couple trying to work through things together. There is no way i can prove why we moved debt about the way we did, so i just have to accept that.

 

 

Overall i felt much better for getting the ball rolling.

 

 

Again to all the people on here, a huge thank you for not letting me burying my head in the sand and pretending it will all go away.