Life Lessons Learned the Hard Way

[leilab]

After spending the last six weeks reading many books on infidelity, marriage, and the OW, I feel I have at least moved from this spot of sheer agony after MM dumped me. I would just briefly like to share some of the lessons that I have learned and that are helping me get through this.

 

Let me also thank the LS contributer who I read frequently and who I have found to give me some hard facts to chew on: Arabess, Red Flag Rick, Skittles, KKat - you all have so much to say and I thank you for your guidance.

 

1. As Arabess said - Lead a life of "authenticity". I think I finally realized that life with MM was indeed a fantasy. Only seeing him a fraction of the time of my life, and spending the rest wanting to be with him. In that effort, neglecting everything around myself, including those that love me enough to still be there for me now. And I will make a vow to lead a life that is real.

 

2. Red Flag Rick - I should have jumped off the train that rolled out of the deot. I knew where it was heading and I did not have anough SELF RESPECT to get off. No person deserves a second grade romance - and I was sure kidding myself that I was in first class. Meeting MM in Hotels and sneaking around definitely is not the definition of traveling first class and sure did not make me a lady of respect. Self-love is essential. Traveling second class cheepens myself and the romand. First class is the only way to travel. And that will be my next goal.

 

3. I am married myself - Yes, not emotionally, physically, and spiritually ready to commit to any other relationship other that my marriage. And to commit to someone else at this time is not possible. To escape to another relationship just prolongs the actual painful fact that I am not fulfilled in my marriage. And that I have considered everybody else and their needs before mine for a long time. I am now assessing whether to leave/stay in my marriage not only based on having children, but also based on the needs of someone very close to me that I need to take care of: ME

 

4. I did live through "PEAK EXPERIENCE". One described as an experience that causes one to walk through a door and where the door shuts behind you, never allowing you to go back to the way it was. For all the terrible that has occurred in the lives surrounding me, I did experience total fulfillment: emotional, physical, mental and spiritual with my MM. That is what I need from my primary relationship -nothing less. And I am willing to take the risk to look for this again - when I am ready.

 

5. I am obsessed with the concept of "BEING IN LOVE". this is a powerful feeling, much like a drug and I have spent much effort in my life falling "in love" over, and over again. I see my pattern, and am willing to look at it closer and examine what I can do about it. Activities that provide me with the "thrill" are essential to my recovery. Continuation will just be a cheap substitue for the real thing.

 

6. Final observation - A married woman involved in an affair is more likely to leave their marriage for the affair. Why? Because women gain their self esteem through relationships, men do not. By the time a married woman gets involved in a relationship outside the marriage, she has already capitulated that her marriage is over.

 

Thanks all, I think I am on the way out the dead end.

[ww]

way to go darling!way to go!!!!BRAVO!!!

I just want to tell you that I am in similar situation as you are...3 months since my MM dumped me and I am committed myself...

and finally I am doing progress

just today I`ve met him...and really: I had no feelings!!!!no sorrow, no anger...no nothing.

We said hello to each other and you will not belive this.HE RAN AWAY!!!!

what a scared little man!

 

huge ww

[TZ]

BRAVO leilab! BRAVOOOOO!!!!

 

You made some excellent points. I think those of us who got involved with MM (for whatever reason) and had the relationship end, have a lot to learn. The most important thing is forgiving ourselves, learning to love ourselves again, learning from our mistakes, and healing ourselves.

 

Self-respect is key. I realize that I lost it by getting involved with a MM. My family and friends didn't know of this relationship because deep down (subconsciously) I must have thought that it wasn't right. On the other hand, he seemed OK with our relationship, going as far as telling his separated wife and his family. I became almost part of his family. I gather now that I must have been the "rebound" relationship.

 

I have another book to recommend:

 

"Bonds that make us free: healing our relationships, coming to ourselves" by C. Terry Warner.