Help! I really need some support.

[RavenBanshee]

I've been married almost 10 years and have 2 children. Lately, my husband doesn't really talk much to me and can be actually quite nasty. Mostly nasty if I ask for help around the house or with the kids. Our intimate relationship in past we have always been on different levels of libido. Currently, there is nothing between us. The last time we tried to be intimate it was soooo awkward, we ended up talking about it. Also, our intimacy has not been satisfying in quite some time. But, now, he doesn't even make an effort.

 

When we get along, we get along really well, like the best of friends. I can tell him anything. But, as of late, he seems really resentful and seems to be to be hiding things from me. I am not sure what he would be hiding. He is not the cheating type. He seems like he just doesn't want to be here with me or our kids. I have brought this up to him and told if he doesn't want to be in this marriage or home than he should leave. He assures me that this is not the case but, I feel like he's just trying to put a bandaid on things for the moment.

 

His personality has changed a lot in the last year. He has one personality for when he is seen in public or someone is over. But, at home he has got major issues of entitlement lately and really overspends money, sometimes more than he makes in one week because he feels he should have a present for going to work. Mind you I'm a stay at home mom until sept. and we live in my mother's house. He consistently complains about where we live. This is a big problem. He complains constantly but, has no motivation to do a thing about it.

 

I do not even like this person he's become. I am going back to school in Sept and starting working again. I am trying to become as independent as possible because if things do not improve, I will make him leave. I feel like this negative situation is on from the second he comes home at night until the moment he leaves in the morning. I really need someone to talk to. My friends can not handle me with problems because I'm the one they always lean on. I really need some support.

[leilab]

Sounds like there are a lot of issues going on in your house: kids, husband, mom, money and sex. What I did not hear is how you feel about your husband. Where are you in this? Are you willing to settle for this? Do you want to do something about it?

 

My situation is that I am married with 2 kids as well - and I am debating divorce/separation based on a number of things. I think it is a very individual assessment to determine where you are, where you want to go and what you want out of life.

 

Breaking up a marriage/family is a serious step and due consideratin must be given. The obvious advice I have received myself is exploring marital counseling. This may help determine what the issues are between you and your husband.

 

I think my main finding so far is that I have sacrificed my needs for the last 10 years and when I make a decision I also need to consider my needs (not just the kids). For the longest time I have been settling for less that I really want out of life and a recent experience has made me realize that I am important, special, and worthy of the best and I need to seek that which will fulfill me.

 

In my case, my primary relationship needs to fulfill me on a physical, emotional, spiritual and mental level. Anything less that that will not do. And that primary relationship needs to be nurtured on a daily basis and I NEED FOR THAT RELATIONSHIP to be the most important thing in my life. The kids will leave eventually.

 

Hope any of this helps.

[RavenBanshee]

Where am I in this? That is a good question. I have been faithful and honest. My first priority has and will continue to be my children. He knows this. There have been many times that we have come close to splitting up. Things were always suppose to go to a normal level with us. His promisies don't last. I'm really tired of being disappointed and unappreciated. I am at that point where I can't continue with him unhappy. I'd look into counseling but, I don't know of any you can get for free or low cost( no insurance) and I am anti religious, so I'm not going that route. At this point, I don't see things working out and I can't quite yet get the end in sight. If this ends I will NEVER put myself in a relationship ever again. I really don't think any man is worth this.

[Miakal]

Wow, I logged onto this site and then told my sad story thinking I was soooo alone. Boy, I was wrong.

 

You sound so much like me. Find my posting and see.

 

My husband became more and more disinterested in our marriage as well. I told him the same thing. "If you don't want to be here and work on this marriage, then that is your choice. I deserve better." I said that to him because I truly felt that way. I still do feel that way. I am a deserving person. I am also deeply in love with him and I know he loves me. Thus, I was trying to trigger a change.

 

I got one!

 

If you read my posting you will see that my husband left me 4 days ago...while I was in the shower. Did not say goodbye. Did not make any arrangements for a separation. Just left. We have a (3) month old daughter. Don't worry, I don't blame myself for his actions. I just know that he and I could have gone a different route.

 

blah, blah, blah...enough about me.

 

It truly sounds as if you two should try a trial separation to find out if you really want a divorce. Do one that is informal if possible...that way it won't cost any money. (This works for couples who can get along)

 

During your separation, you can both attend counseling together....on your own....etc. (There are counselors who will work on a sliding scale.) Then hopefully you will know what you truly want. You both may find out that going your separate ways is the best thing. Or you both may realize that your marriage is worth all the effort in the world.

 

Stay strong.

 

[bluechocolate]

My first priority has and will continue to be my children.

 

Could this be part of the problem? Is it possible that he's thinking, "Well she's got the kids, we're living in her mothers house and I'm just the 5th wheel around here."?

 

Just a thought.

 

You two should go to some marriage counselling. You need to discover why he's having these mood swings and why his spending patterns have changed. These are indications that he is not very happy about something. A counsellor will help him ( and you ) to get to the root of that unhappiness, bandaids won't work in the long tern.

 

I hope things work out for you.

[deesgirl]

How old is your husband? Is it possible he's going through a mid life crisis?

[RavenBanshee]

He's turning 34. I'm 29. He maybe going thru something like that. He recently got back to work after a long lay off, only to have the new job not work out. He gave his notice because things were being done illegally. They told him they didn't want the notice. He's had to take a step back from dispatch MGR, to truck driver again. He's not very happy in his feild. But, again lacks motivation to look for other work. Things have been a little easier with us over the last few days. He is trying to get a band going again. He's a musician.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

I say Give him his emotional and physical space. I learnt the hard way.

For now , See how he responds. He might be unhappy for now.

I really studied relationships and men for the last 5 months.

I noticed the same things your husband was doing/ and did to bother to chnage my ways. SO that lead himt o tell me I do not love you anymore and i want a divorce. Still hasnt happened yet but I ma living with it

If you really want this man to stick around. Try forgetting that there is a problem. MEN DONT LIKE TALKING THATS A WOMAN THING. men show they care by doing things.

For now just be happy enjoy the kids your lucky you have kids he never gave me any love life and try to make him love life my feeding him men love to be fed!!! and take care of the house be an old fashioned wife .

For now and hopefully things will go back to normal!!!

[whichwayisup]

He's turning 34. I'm 29. He maybe going thru something like that. He recently got back to work after a long lay off, only to have the new job not work out. He gave his notice because things were being done illegally. They told him they didn't want the notice. He's had to take a step back from dispatch MGR, to truck driver again. He's not very happy in his feild. But, again lacks motivation to look for other work. Things have been a little easier with us over the last few days. He is trying to get a band going again. He's a musician.

 

Sounds like alot of stress. Try to be supportive, tell him you love him and understand that what goes on at work is affecting home life. That it is upsetting you and that you miss him as your friend and husband. That you want him back. I'm sure things are fine, it's just how he is handling it in general. He's clammed up and distant. Be honest, tell him how it makes you feel. I think by opening the doors of communication will help both of you!

 

Tell him all will be okay, he can take time to figure out things as for his career.

 

Good luck and keep posting!

[Kenyth]

Losing a job and not being able to find a good one when you're the primary breadwinner is VERY stressful! I'd wait until this passes before making a judgement call. In the meantime, try and help him find some work.

[Heavenlyflower9]

Since RavenBanshee posted last year May, just wondering what the outcome was? Let us know how things went!

[Kenyth]

I gotta remember to check those dates! Doh!

[aempoorboy]

Dear RavenBanshee:

 

I feel your pain. I'm a newlywed of 8 months and 41 years of age. My husband wrote me letters everyday telling me how much he enjoyed my company, how he couldn't wait to see me the next time and how much he loved talking with me. Now, everything I do is an intrusion on him like I'm just some pain in the butt he has to endure again. I think men go through the same emotional cycles we do, but can't admit it. And as much I hate to perptuate the advice of continue to show him all the reasons you love him so he'll love being around you, it does work. Try to be his mistress for a while instead of his wife. Break the routine you're in and remind him of all the reasons you love him. Odds are it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Maybe it's work, worry, health, who knows. All I know is that the more we bring up the question of what's wrong, the more we seem to convince them that something is wrong. I entertained the question of whether my husband was cheating too, I know he cheated on one of his former girlfriends. But then one night when he left for the store at 1:30 am for cigarettes, I figured, this is it he won't be back until 5 - 20 minutes later he was home. I was almost giddy. I don't think my guy would cheat either, but at the same time I want to pull him in rather than push him away. I keep remindind myself about the phrase in the bible, that light cleaves to light. Be the type of person you want to attract.