elkiepie Posted May 3, 2004 Posted May 3, 2004 hey i'm a new member here. ive been increasingly stressed out over my dilemma and need somewhere to look for advice. thought this may be a good place (i posted this in friends and dating but i realized it was the wrong section becasue its not a transition problem really-sorry) my close close friend and i started dating a few months ago. we have been friends for 4 years. i have always been his confidant and he has done a lot for me. i had a crush on him for years as well. he fell in love with me this year, and expressed it and we began dating. thigns have been perfect in my opinion until about a week ago. we talked and still do for HOURS everday and see eachother all the time-mostly by his choice. a week ago he started acting really weird, looking at me different etc. since we started dating he has strongly encourageed me to tell him if anything small ever bothers me, and i always told him as he said he doesnt want small misunderstandings to ruin our relatinship. however he has been the one keeping stuff inside a while ago i asked him what we were, as i was confused if we were dating or going out etc. he told me he didnt like labels and i got confused.. so (as i recently found out) he settled for less and agreed we were going out as bf/gf. now he is telling me he wants to get rid of that label and start from scratch because the "stereotypes and confinements of that archetype" are not allowing him to tell me anything. he feels he cant tell me things anymore. and that he is annoyed with me for unknown reasons. he tells me he needs space.. i agreed that we can start over..but i am confused because he hid feeligns from me and im not sure what he wants me to do. i tried talking to him about it..not to nag.. but because i sincerely want to know what he wants or needs or what is really wrong so that i can fix the problem. he says he needs space yet he still calls me like crazy and wants to see me all the time. then when he sees me becomes easily irratable. when i asked him , and treying to explain to him that i udnerstand the no need for labels, but can he humor me for 5 mintues so i know where we stand? he gets angry that i want to know what this starting over means, and my inability to share thigns with him is causing me great greif. He says what really matters is if i love him or not. he says we will still have the same level of committment from eachother..he just wants to take a break and have emotional space he is a great guy and this is not because he wants to date other girls. im the ONLY girl hes dated in four years..so its ntohign like that. i'm just feeling increasingly anxious because i dont know what to do to fix such a problem because his description of the problem is vague, and even though i explained this is why i try to ask he gets angry when i ask about what i should do and what he means by space (such as should i phsycially be away, not talk..or just lowere the intesity of our relationship) so ive decided not to talk about it anymore.. i feel like he is making a problem out of nothing. i understand that it sucks when you feel you cant tell someone somthing. but i dont understand why he cant just try to tell me things like he used to. any advice on what i should do? should i try to distance myself so he can think about what he needs to do? i hope this question makes sense and that i explained it well
faux Posted May 3, 2004 Posted May 3, 2004 I'm really not sure how to properly interpret this situation. It sounds as though this guy cares an awful lot for you, but spending so much time around you is aggravating him. In fact, spending too much time with anyone, even if it is just over the telephone, can put a damper on things. It is entirely possible that I am very wrong about this, but perhaps you two should lessen the amount of time that you speak to one another, or see one another. I find that little absences give me more to talk about with people. This does not mean that you two need to "start over", or break up as the case may be. Simply get back a bit of your independence and I think things will go a lot more smoothly. Instead of him calling you every night, he could call you every few nights, or every other night. If he must talk to you, it is entirely proper for him to just phone you quickly for ten minutes to say hello. Additionally, if he sees you once or twice a week, this could also help things. Both of you would have more time to yourselves, and some stress might be alleviated. You will find that you have more to talk about, and that when you do spend time together you do things which are more meaningful. None of this will make you two grow apart, and this doesn't have to continue forever. There can be any number of reasons why your guy is getting irritable, but having more time alone might do you both some good. Talk to him about how he feels, and how you notice him acting. Maybe he would like to take a breather a few times a week, but he feels obligated to show you so much attention. Despite how you choose to go about things, and what conclusions you come to that might prove me totally wrong, I still wish you the best of luck in your situation. Just be sure to talk out your situation with your guy before you yourself try anything. Find out what exactly is bugging him, and what HE wants right now. Then discuss what you want, and how you feel, and find a happy medium
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