Never talking again is heart breaking

[ScienceGal]

People are willing to break their own personal boundaries and hurt themselves even more for something that was not going to work in the first place. My relationship was a prime example of this as well.

 

I have been saying a lot of things to myself such as "a relationship should change you for the better. If you see that change happening (in you or your partner), but it's negative feeling or negative qualities arising, then that relationship isn't for you".

 

I believe the right person can change what I want, or thought I wanted. For example, I always thought I would live in a house with a yard, but the ex wanted to buy a commercial building in the city. After thinking about it, I realized I didn't care where I lived as long as I was with the right person. How do I know if I would've ended up resenting him or myself for that decision?

 

The ex began smoking again (had quit just before we met), and I thought I could be patient while he went through the motions and that he would try to quit again when he was ready. But, I couldn't do it. My parents are both in poor health because of being long term smokers and it made me sick to my stomach, I cried sometimes, and we fought about it. THAT is a personal boundary that I cannot change, although I did not know it at the time. I thought loving him and wanting the relationship was enough to keep us together (biggest mistake ever... and probably the hardest thing that I need to change about myself/my thinking during relationship choices).

 

Marriage and children are big issues and a choice on either is likely to be a non-compromiseable personal boundary. But others are not so clear. How do you tell the difference between breaking personal boundaries and growing/changing your mind/healthy compromise?

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh Good Lord!

 

It shows exactly the crux of the attachment disorder that has eaten his life.

Hellooo he can't have a healthy relationship and bond normally!

 

So he has ridiculous ones that are actually physically addicting that he doesn't ever have to truly connect with anyone because that is what is too difficult.

 

Cheated and beaten up he can handle.

 

Ffffffffeelings, now those are trouble.

[Nexus One]

I fell into a black hole after I lost my business and at the same time got dumped by a very toxic man... I fell into binge drinking (in my 30's). I had never, ever been a drinker before that. And all of a sudden I found myself drinking by myself every night- I continued the secret pattern for a couple of years before hitting rock bottom and checking myself into detox. I've been alright since then, but I feel the pull again. I've resisted it. I drove past the beer store a couple of days ago and slowed down and put on my turn signal... I subsequently found some reason and didn't turn into the parking lot. I don't want to go back there, but the MC haunts me. I feel like it was my last chance to be a mom (I'm 41).

 

Don't cave on the alcohol D-Lish.

 

Answer me this Dust:

 

I dated a guy that has never broken up with a woman in his life- he's stayed while being cheated on, abused, whatever- his entire life and he's 36.

 

I went through something a bit profound with the pregnancy, and I did have emotions that I am sure he didn't like. But I am the only girl he's ever dumped.

 

What does that say about me?

 

It says the situation was unfortunate, you can't draw conclusions about yourself when there are hormones involved. You've been overpowered. Once that's the case it's out of your hands. The only thing I could say about the way things unfolded is that it was unfortunate.

 

I have the dogs AM. I love them like crazy, but they limit my mobility.

Had my exH and I never purchased the dogs, I would be living on another continent or in another province at the very least.

 

I can't tell you how badly I want to pick up and leave- I wanted to do that 10 years ago. I have dogs, that's the reality, I can't dive into the unknown because I have 2 furry creatures to take care of- and that includes keeping a job that pays their vet bills (one that recently approached $1000).

 

I can't tell you how badly I want to pick up and leave, but it's difficult with dogs.

 

I'm not sure I understand why dogs make moving or emigration harder. You can take the dogs with you right?

 

I hope I am Star.

 

I'm so sick of crying.

 

Let me tell you this D-Lish. From having read LS for some time now I kind of got an idea of what kind of people the regulars on LS are. I'll tell you what I thought when reading your posts.

 

- You strike me as a quality woman

- You strike me as solid girlfriend material (for men in general)

- You're pretty (from photo's I've seen). And I'm a greater authority on beauty than that Porsche guy you dated, as I've been used as a source for a scientific paper on female beauty, so there. *dusts off shoulders*

- You look younger than your age.

- You strike me as a woman with a happy personality and positive attitude.

- You strike me as a kind and respectful person.

- You strike me as a nurturing person, perhaps even to the point that you try to please people all around you while forgetting to attend to your own wellbeing.

- I've wondered why you are single, because I don't see how guys aren't all over you.

 

I've only been able to distill positive things about you. So in my opinion you have so much going for you from a guy's perspective. If you think you are unworthy or not suited for a relationship, then in my opinion you're wrong about that. It's also why it would be a damn damn shame if you caved on the alcohol, because in my opinion there's no question about the fact that you can get a quality guy that will be right for you. Don't throw that away.

 

That being said, have you been to a specialist about the fact that you've had multiple MC's, perhaps a specialist would be able to pinpoint the exact cause and prevent it from happening again. Also, it is possible to have your eggs frozen, so if a guy comes along and you both want children, then they can use your eggs and fertilize them with his sperm and it would be possible to have another woman carry your and his biological child. The freezing of the eggs isn't that expensive I suspect, but the carrying of the child by another woman might be costly. But it's an option, so perhaps it's an idea to get your eggs frozen. Don't hesitate to do this while it's still possible, if you freeze them you'll have this option open for you for years to come.

 

And then something completely different, how is your job hunting going? You mentioned you wanted to work fewer hours under a less stressful boss and move to downtown Toronto. I think that once you've achieved that you will be feeling a lot better and you will be in a better state of mind, because you'd have more free time for things like dating and you'd have less pressure applied by your boss. You'd be able to take on the world again.

Edited August 23, 2011 by Nexus One

[D-Lish]

Thanks Nex, and to everyone else that replied.

 

I'm over the alcohol hump. When I am having a partcularly bad day the thought often crosses my mind but I push through it. I've been able to have the odd drink socially since then and limit myself to 1 or 2.

 

It's hard to meet men in an all female industry- not to mention that I tend to be a loner. I used to have a great social life and found it easy to meet men, but one by on all my friends got married, had kids, and dropped off the face of the earth! I live almost downtown already, but I'm moving to a more trendy neighbourhood right in the hear of things. The new place is in a larger complex with lots of young professionals so I am hoping I can form some new friendships. I don't know too many people here in the city. As it stands now, I go to work, see women all day, then go home- I lead a pretty isolated life at the moment.

 

Online dating has been the only thing I've tried, but I basically read and delete 99% of the messages.

 

I think if I met someone else I connected with I'd get over this depressive state. I do hate my job- but I am going to stick it out until I move September 1st. I've been working on my resume and researching jobs I think I really need to make some big changes professionally.

 

Thank you for lifting my spirits with your kind comments:love:

[D-Lish]

I also forgot to address- I DID have major issues with him nearing the end. His inability to communicate and support me really bothered me. He became incredibly insensitive in the last month.

 

I know the person I thought he was in the first 3 months was not the person he truly is. He's the guy that left me 2 days after the MC to go out to a bar with his friends and lie about it.

[california15]

Hey D, you've always given me good advice when I needed it.

 

I think the above posters have commented positively to help you. I have to be honest in saying that I don't know what else to say - everyone commented so well and said what I would have liked and more. But I felt compelled to post because even when you're hurting it helps to know people are there and are supportive of you, when you need it to the most.

 

So, I'm sorry you're hurting and I hope posting here helps you in any way it can.

 

*Hugs* it will get better. I promise.

 

I wish I could help more.

[Art_Critic]

I'm over the alcohol hump.

...

 

D-lish... the guy isn't even worthy of talking to again...

 

He CHOSE the path.. you need to help yourself realize that it was no great loss losing him.. the other stuff/loss and grieving overwhelmed you and you are giving him more more presence than he deserves..

 

No amount of wishing or blaming yourself will bring him back and honestly do you really want someone who could never be there for you??..

 

You also need to cut yourself some slack.. you didn't do anything wrong during the pregnancy.. he did..

I can tell you from experience that it wasn't you and you were going thru one of the toughest things in your present day life you've had to face and he just left you..

I don't like to talk about my previous life anymore on LS as I think it can devalue my relationship with my wife somewhat and I feel I owe her the respect.. but I feel your pain.. I have been in his shoes being faced with a MC in my previous marriage and can tell you that you did nothing wrong..

 

**Hugz**

[wilsonx]

 

I believe the right person can change what I want, or thought I wanted. For example, I always thought I would live in a house with a yard, but the ex wanted to buy a commercial building in the city. After thinking about it, I realized I didn't care where I lived as long as I was with the right person. How do I know if I would've ended up resenting him or myself for that decision?

 

What I just bolded is an example of a poor personal boundary. No person should ever be able to change what you want. If you want something, you need to take the initiative to go out and get it on your own first.

 

What I just underline is another one. You want a house but you are willing to settle with what you dont necessarily want as long as you are with someone else. This is a little bit codependent.

 

Take this time, now to write down what you want in life. All your goals, house, location, personal habits (non smoking). Trust me, there are guys out there that dont smoke, want a house with a yard and whatever else you want and go out and accomplish them, along the way you will find someone that is better and everything that you want in a partner but never settle or sacrifice your personal boundaries for someone else. If it doesnt work it doesnt work, kick him to the curb line up the next guy.

 

 

The ex began smoking again (had quit just before we met), and I thought I could be patient while he went through the motions and that he would try to quit again when he was ready. But, I couldn't do it. My parents are both in poor health because of being long term smokers and it made me sick to my stomach, I cried sometimes, and we fought about it. THAT is a personal boundary that I cannot change, although I did not know it at the time. I thought loving him and wanting the relationship was enough to keep us together (biggest mistake ever... and probably the hardest thing that I need to change about myself/my thinking during relationship choices).

 

 

This is good, you know now and you learned from experience, always stick to your personal boundaries otherwise you will be resentful later on.

[D-Lish]

...

 

D-lish... the guy isn't even worthy of talking to again...

 

He CHOSE the path.. you need to help yourself realize that it was no great loss losing him.. the other stuff/loss and grieving overwhelmed you and you are giving him more more presence than he deserves..

 

No amount of wishing or blaming yourself will bring him back and honestly do you really want someone who could never be there for you??..

 

You also need to cut yourself some slack.. you didn't do anything wrong during the pregnancy.. he did..

I can tell you from experience that it wasn't you and you were going thru one of the toughest things in your present day life you've had to face and he just left you..

I don't like to talk about my previous life anymore on LS as I think it can devalue my relationship with my wife somewhat and I feel I owe her the respect.. but I feel your pain.. I have been in his shoes being faced with a MC in my previous marriage and can tell you that you did nothing wrong..

 

**Hugz**

 

Art, I think if I ever thought I was about to head down the wrong path again, I'd tell you first.

 

I know a little bit about some of the things you've been through having been a long time member and following a lot of your posts.

 

This was a man that just wasn't capable of having any sort of insight, compassion, or decency when it came to what we (I) went through. The truth be told, I went throught this, he was just a resentful bystander.

 

I was a real emotional mess during that time- it still hurts when I think about the loss.

 

As soon as it happened, he seemed so relieved. He took me to my dr's clinic when I started cramping and bleeding, spent the night with me looking after me- and I think after that he thought his "job" was over.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I was wrong wanting him to be with me two days later and not go to a bar with his friends. I guilt myself into thinking that maybe he needed to blow off steam after what we'd been through and maybe I was too hard on him because the past couple months had pretty much been all about "me"...

 

I know that I shouldn't feel guilty for needing support- but I sometimes wonder if I asked too much of him. I think that after the MC happened, he thought his job over and it was time for me to get over it and go back to normal right away.

[Art_Critic]

but I sometimes wonder if I asked too much of him.

 

Hey D-lish.. let just answer this by saying "not even close"....

[antinko]

I just wish my job didn't keep me so occupied that I am restricted in my social time.

 

Is it really a case that your job is that rigid that it demands you to have that approach, or can you be flexible? Is there any way you can change the way you work in order to make work/life more balanced?

 

I simply ask because I'm frequently adapting the way I work in order to preserve my social life because I frequently take on extra responsibilities as well as other private projects. It can be done. I also know a lot of my friends in various occupations have had to do the same.

[Nexus One]

Is it really a case that your job is that rigid that it demands you to have that approach, or can you be flexible? Is there any way you can change the way you work in order to make work/life more balanced?

 

I simply ask because I'm frequently adapting the way I work in order to preserve my social life because I frequently take on extra responsibilities as well as other private projects. It can be done. I also know a lot of my friends in various occupations have had to do the same.

 

I don't know if this is an option for D-Lish, but she mentioned she works for a large chain of stores that (also?) sells bras. She mentioned she has experience with buying for her chain. Anyways, that means she knows what her company wants when they're buying bras.

 

From a business perspective she could have a collection of bras designed, then go with the designs to her boss or her colleagues and say: "I've been thinking about starting my own brand of bras, my own line and collection. If I can supply you with exactly what you need and something that is bound to sell well and will be profitable for the company, will you buy from me?"

 

If her boss is profit oriented she would say yes. Once D-Lish gets her company to sign a contract that places the order for the particular designs, then she can contact a bra factory in for example China, have them mass produce the bras and then have them ship the bras to the chain she works for. When she doesn't have the starting capital to finance the order, she could put in the contract that her company should pay in advance, then once she received the money, then she can place the order with the Chinese factory. (ask for a sample/prototype first)

 

She of course needs to make a profit, so she can calculate a mark-up over the cost price and transportation costs of the products. And even if she doesn't have the money for the designs, then she can ask the factories what designs they already have and then have them re-brand those to her own brand name.

 

I don't know how many bras or other products D-Lish's company sells per year, but if we're talking about hundreds of thousands of bras or more, then she could land pretty large orders and make large profits at once.

 

If I was in D-Lish's position and I would be stuck with that job due to the pay of it covering my cost of living, then that's something I would try. She'd become an intermediate trading company. She could position herself between bra producers in Asia and the chain she works for. If she at a certain point makes enough money she can stop doing her regular work and become solely an intermediate company.

 

Of course she'd have to keep in mind that there isn't any conflict of interest there, so everything should be transparently discussed with her superiors all the way up to the boss.

 

Just an idea. I have many, sue me.

Edited August 23, 2011 by Nexus One

[D-Lish]

I have buying experience from when I owned my own bra store- I did all the buying for years and years. The co I work for now, I am in a supervisory position as an area manager. It's just a very demanding position.

 

I have made a pact with myself to find something else before the end of the year. No more retail, I want nothing to do with it.

[D-Lish]

Hey D-lish.. let just answer this by saying "not even close"....

 

Thanks Art,

 

I still have so much guilt for being overly emotional during that time.

 

I know he's never going to reach out to me, he couldn't face it when it was happening, he's not going to want to acknowledge it later on. It just hurts to go through that with someone and have them turn their back on you and never look back.

 

It still makes me sad every day.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Hi D-Lish, I relate to you somewhat because I also am the kind of person who falls into self blame for reacting to things emotionally. After my break up with my ex, I was extremely emotional and really let everything out. In the end he pretty much saw everything I was feeling. And so often I think to myself, "Why couldn't I have been calmer, more stable, less emotional?"... But the truth is, I went through a devastating loss. My relationship with this ex was the hardest I ever had to let go of, and in the end it really did get the best of me. But I'm on a slow path to realizing that I am a HUMAN BEING and I am not perfect.... I reacted to a HIGHLY emotionally triggering situation in the ways in which I felt I needed to/should have at the time. And since then, the whole picture is coming together piece by piece.

 

Your loss is different from mine. Not only were you dealing with the MC - you were dealing with a guy who seemed "relieved" by it.... You cracked (emotionally) from all of those HUGE stressors. But I can tell you, the right guy would have handled the situation in the way that YOU NEEDED. Remember that, because it's very important. I kept blaming myself for reacting emotionally to my ex breaking up with me then telling me he would "come back later after he fixed his issues" but also said to not wait for him in case he never comes back. How on earth was I supposed to process that? The right guy never would have said that stuff to me then went totally cold on me when I couldn't deal with it in the way HE wanted. And the same goes for you. The right guy never would've left you to deal with all of that on your own... he would have been there for you in the way that you needed, and you would've been on LS telling us how supportive he is. But it wasn't to be.

Edited August 24, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[D-Lish]

Hi D-Lish, I relate to you somewhat because I also am the kind of person who falls into self blame for reacting to things emotionally. After my break up with my ex, I was extremely emotional and really let everything out. In the end he pretty much saw everything I was feeling. And so often I think to myself, "Why couldn't I have been calmer, more stable, less emotional?"... But the truth is, I went through a devastating loss. My relationship with this ex was the hardest I ever had to let go of, and in the end it really did get the best of me. But I'm on a slow path to realizing that I am a HUMAN BEING and I am not perfect.... I reacted to a HIGHLY emotionally triggering situation in the ways in which I felt I needed to/should have at the time. And since then, the whole picture is coming together piece by piece.

 

Your loss is different from mine. Not only were you dealing with the MC - you were dealing with a guy who seemed "relieved" by it.... You cracked (emotionally) from all of those HUGE stressors. But I can tell you, the right guy would have handled the situation in the way that YOU NEEDED. Remember that, because it's very important. I kept blaming myself for reacting emotionally to my ex breaking up with me then telling me he would "come back later after he fixed his issues" but also said to not wait for him in case he never comes back. How on earth was I supposed to process that? The right guy never would have said that stuff to me then went totally cold on me when I couldn't deal with it in the way HE wanted. And the same goes for you. The right guy never would've left you to deal with all of that on your own... he would have been there for you in the way that you needed, and you would've been on LS telling us how supportive he is. But it wasn't to be.

 

Thank you, and you're right. Months later I still find myself seeking that support and comfort from him when the guy dumped my ass because the whole thing was too hard for him to handle.

 

I know I'm never going to get that from him, but I still check my email every day with a small glimmer of hope that I'm going to recieve something for him. I don't think it's as much about not being with him anymore as it is about hearing "I'm sorry for the way I handled things".

 

I'm just so thankful that he has no idea how much I am still burdened by the break up- he doesn't deserve to know he still affects me in such a way.

[ScienceGal]

What I just bolded is an example of a poor personal boundary. No person should ever be able to change what you want. If you want something, you need to take the initiative to go out and get it on your own first.

 

What I just underline is another one. You want a house but you are willing to settle with what you dont necessarily want as long as you are with someone else. This is a little bit codependent.

 

Take this time, now to write down what you want in life. All your goals, house, location, personal habits (non smoking). Trust me, there are guys out there that dont smoke, want a house with a yard and whatever else you want and go out and accomplish them, along the way you will find someone that is better and everything that you want in a partner but never settle or sacrifice your personal boundaries for someone else. If it doesnt work it doesnt work, kick him to the curb line up the next guy.

 

 

 

This is good, you know now and you learned from experience, always stick to your personal boundaries otherwise you will be resentful later on.

 

I still believe that in relationships there are some things that can be compromised due to individual growth and the acquisition of new knowledge. And, some things that cannot and should not be compromised. Knowing the difference is very important, just not always so easy.

 

Thinking someone cannot change what I want assumes that I have mapped everything out and have all of the knowledge I will ever have (impossible). People constantly grow/mature and change and there is always room for another person to teach me something new or shine a new perspective. Where did I ever get the idea of living in a house? It was shown/taught to me and I decided I liked the notion. And when an alternative idea (commercial building) was presented to me, I thought about it and decided that I would consider that notion also. So, moving forward without my ex, I would still consider living in a commercial building.

 

The smoking is a definite dealbreaker, and I know that now. I guess I would say that I need to be brave and face the uneasiness in my stomach when I am faced with compromise. I can't just be nice and stuff my feelings. What I am taking from this last relationship is that I have to face the reality that I might have to end a relationship due to something I can't compromise. It takes me way to long, and too much heartache to pull away. I have to learn to cut my losses way before that.

[D-Lish]

Thank you, and you're right. Months later I still find myself seeking that support and comfort from him when the guy dumped my ass because the whole thing was too hard for him to handle.

 

I know I'm never going to get that from him, but I still check my email every day with a small glimmer of hope that I'm going to recieve something for him. I don't think it's as much about not being with him anymore as it is about hearing "I'm sorry for the way I handled things".

 

I'm just so thankful that he has no idea how much I am still burdened by the break up- he doesn't deserve to know he still affects me in such a way.

 

Yes, I just quoted my own post:cool:

 

I've rec'd a lot of supportive pm's from people tonight and I am starting to get to that point where I realize that I had every right to expect more from him.

 

What kind of prick dumps his gf right after she has a miscarriage?

 

I have to recognize that the guy I dated was the guy that dumped me when things became tough, not the guy that said all the right things to me in the first 3 months.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, I just quoted my own post:cool:

 

I've rec'd a lot of supportive pm's from people tonight and I am starting to get to that point where I realize that I had every right to expect more from him.

 

What kind of prick dumps his gf right after she has a miscarriage?

 

I have to recognize that the guy I dated was the guy that dumped me when things became tough, not the guy that said all the right things to me in the first 3 months.

 

He's a man child, a pathetic immature, had no balls, shuns responsiblity, is a classless piece of crap, he isn't "husband" material either .. .. And the fact that he was a HABS fan just says it all. Doesn't it? Leafs fans and Habs fans should not date!! :p

 

He isn't worthy of YOUR time. YOUR thoughts, YOUR tears, YOUR energy.

 

No more blaming yourself. It doesn't serve any purpose and all it does is make you feel worse.

 

And, I say, quit your job as soon as you find something else. Life is short and if you can find a job that you're passionate about and love, find it and grab it.

[D-Lish]

He's a man child, a pathetic immature, had no balls, shuns responsiblity, is a classless piece of crap, he isn't "husband" material either .. .. And the fact that he was a HABS fan just says it all. Doesn't it? Leafs fans and Habs fans should not date!! :p

 

He isn't worthy of YOUR time. YOUR thoughts, YOUR tears, YOUR energy.

 

No more blaming yourself. It doesn't serve any purpose and all it does is make you feel worse.

 

And, I say, quit your job as soon as you find something else. Life is short and if you can find a job that you're passionate about and love, find it and grab it.

 

Those Habs fans- should have been my first red flag:cool:

 

I am looking for a new job- unfortunately for you- but fortunate for me- I'm moving in with you while I look for something new- hope that's okay.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Those Habs fans- should have been my first red flag:cool:

 

I am looking for a new job- unfortunately for you- but fortunate for me- I'm moving in with you while I look for something new- hope that's okay.

 

 

You can move in with me

[D-Lish]

You can move in with me

 

Would it be okay if I decided not to work and just let you take care of me?

 

I'll cook and clean and stuff like that- but I really just want to sleep until noon every day and then go shopping:cool:

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Would it be okay if I decided not to work and just let you take care of me?

 

I'll cook and clean and stuff like that- but I really just want to sleep until noon every day and then go shopping:cool:

 

 

uh...

 

 

could you hold that thought and wait a few years for me to get my degree?... not sure either of our lives would be that fulfilling right off the bat.

[D-Lish]

uh...

 

 

could you hold that thought and wait a few years for me to get my degree?... not sure either of our lives would be that fulfilling right off the bat.

 

Aw, I was kidding,

 

I get it, timing is off:lmao:

 

I really like making my own money actually- I could just do without getting up so early and getting home so late:mad:

 

What happened with Farm girl?

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

 

What happened with Farm girl?

 

 

Unfortunately... nothing

 

I went in the last day she worked before going back to college 2 times just for the sake of asking her to coffee or something.

 

First encounter: (with family) My sister and I walked in and I had a very brief conversation with farm girl but she was busy so I didn't put much thought into asking her. After my mother walked in she asked farm girl for a box of canning peaches (they are out back in the storage area), and points to me and says "He'll help you get those". I initial thought was "this is good, we'll be alone back there... perfect!!!". Well we get back there and some old guy starts talking to her (he came in from the back, which you're not supposed to do).

 

 

Second encounter: (by myself, after beating myself up for not asking her the first time) I went in right before closing time. I can't even remember what I bought, but it's some things I'll never use. We were having a good conversation and there wasn't many customers in the store. We chatted for a few minutes and just as the thought of asking her came to my mind she says "Uh... sorry but I need to get back to work, I'll see you later"....... I didn't realize there was a small line piling up behind me. Which, by the way, they could have gone to the other register where there was absolutely no line and the cashier was just standing there.

 

 

 

The "good news" I guess would be: while conversing with her I learned she is about 2 years younger than me (just turned 19), will be back to visit and work there on thanksgiving and christmas break, and will be working there next summer. <--- hoping this means I get a second chance.