Never talking again is heart breaking

[carhill]

My sympathies. I remember when never talking again was heartbreaking. Long before I learned coping tools, such sent me into a depressive spiral for a couple years.

 

Oddly, now I see not talking as a gift and cherish it, globally. Hope you find your peace.

[D-Lish]

My sympathies. I remember when never talking again was heartbreaking. Long before I learned coping tools, such sent me into a depressive spiral for a couple years.

 

Oddly, now I see not talking as a gift and cherish it, globally. Hope you find your peace.

 

I will find peace Car. It's just proving to be hard for me.

[D-Lish]

Unfortunately... nothing

 

I went in the last day she worked before going back to college 2 times just for the sake of asking her to coffee or something.

 

First encounter: (with family) My sister and I walked in and I had a very brief conversation with farm girl but she was busy so I didn't put much thought into asking her. After my mother walked in she asked farm girl for a box of canning peaches (they are out back in the storage area), and points to me and says "He'll help you get those". I initial thought was "this is good, we'll be alone back there... perfect!!!". Well we get back there and some old guy starts talking to her (he came in from the back, which you're not supposed to do).

 

 

Second encounter: (by myself, after beating myself up for not asking her the first time) I went in right before closing time. I can't even remember what I bought, but it's some things I'll never use. We were having a good conversation and there wasn't many customers in the store. We chatted for a few minutes and just as the thought of asking her came to my mind she says "Uh... sorry but I need to get back to work, I'll see you later"....... I didn't realize there was a small line piling up behind me. Which, by the way, they could have gone to the other register where there was absolutely no line and the cashier was just standing there.

 

 

 

The "good news" I guess would be: while conversing with her I learned she is about 2 years younger than me (just turned 19), will be back to visit and work there on thanksgiving and christmas break, and will be working there next summer. <--- hoping this means I get a second chance.

 

Ah, that sucks, there will be others girls in your future:love:

[D-Lish]

My sympathies. I remember when never talking again was heartbreaking. Long before I learned coping tools, such sent me into a depressive spiral for a couple years.

 

Oddly, now I see not talking as a gift and cherish it, globally. Hope you find your peace.

 

I actually felt a lot better today for the first time in a long time.

I think I am starting to move onto the anger stage. I don't find myself pining for him as much as I did, I've replaced it with some resentment, and that has helped. The more I talk to people about how much of a coward he was, the more I start to see it and embrace the jerk that he was instead of the guy I once had on a pedestal remembering the first 3 months we dated.

 

A lot of supportive PM's - and I thank you all for that.

 

The more I realize that I wasn't asking too much of him, the less I blame myself for the demise of the relationship. For crying out loud, I was pregnant and dealing with a guy that didn't want to acknowledge that reality, or my feelings of confliction and eventual despair following the miscarriage.

[Nexus One]

I actually felt a lot better today for the first time in a long time.

 

Glad you're feeling better.

 

The more I realize that I wasn't asking too much of him, the less I blame myself for the demise of the relationship. For crying out loud, I was pregnant and dealing with a guy that didn't want to acknowledge that reality, or my feelings of confliction and eventual despair following the miscarriage.

 

From my perspective as a guy, to leave a woman after a miscarriage seems like a cruel thing to do, as a miscarriage seems like one of the hardest things to experience for a woman and to leave her in the aftermath...damn I don't even know what to say or think about that.

 

Do you still want kids D-Lish? If so, have you thought about freezing your eggs? I think that if you'd want that, then you shouldn't wait too long with it.

Edited August 27, 2011 by Nexus One

[D-Lish]

Glad you're feeling better.

 

From my perspective as a guy, to leave a woman after a miscarriage seems like a cruel thing to do, as a miscarriage seems like one of the hardest things to experience for a woman and to leave her in the aftermath...damn I don't even know what to say or think about that.

 

Do you still want kids D-Lish? If so, have you thought about freezing your eggs? I think that if you'd want that, then you shouldn't wait too long with it.

 

Thanks Nex,

 

I wouldn't endeavour to have children wihout a present, willing father.

I loved this guy, so the thought of having his child was appealing to me. I was 14 weeks along when the MC happened, and we'd never discussed anything. One night as we were falling alseep I said to him "so what are your thoughts on me keeping the baby"... He pretended to be asleep, but I knew he was awake, and he didn't answer me. Besides our first conversation upon finding out I was pregnant and him telling me he would support me in whatever decision I'd make, but didn't want to have children, that was the only other interaction we had on the subject.

 

I wouldn't do it on my own, wouldn't even consider it.

 

It's one of those things where I look back on my life and think a child would have been nice- but it's not going to make me or break me to not have kids. It's not something I'd take on alone.

[whichwayisup]

Those Habs fans- should have been my first red flag:cool:

 

I am looking for a new job- unfortunately for you- but fortunate for me- I'm moving in with you while I look for something new- hope that's okay.

 

Will the dogs get along with the cat?? Or shall I quote Ghostbusters!

 

Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria. (I love that the third one is in the makes!)

[D-Lish]

Will the dogs get along with the cat?? Or shall I quote Ghostbusters!

 

 

Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria. (I love that the third one is in the makes!)

 

Cats are smarter than dogs- so I think my dogs would be a good source of entertainment for the kitties.

 

Cats can jump so freaking high- it's perplexing and frustrating for dogs.

 

You won't even know I am there WWIU, I'll sleep until noon and as long as you have my pancakes ready when I wake up, we shouldn't have a problem.

[dreamingoftigers]

It could be much worse really.

 

He could be sitting on your couch in a few months stonewalling your every attempt to talk to him and cheering for the Habs.

 

You would've dropped him eventually anyways.

[TrueColors]

Hey D-lish,

 

Glad to hear you're starting to feel more positive about things.

 

Just wanted to add one more perspective:

 

Have you considered the reason that your ex left during your pregnancy was because he realised just how big a commitment raising a child would be? He knew that you would be too vulnerable to leave, so he took his chance insetead.

 

So like many others have said, it has no bearing on you as a partner or a person, but that he has severe intimacy issues (not to mention an esteem problem if he's able to stay in abusive relationships).

 

He sounds remarkably like my ex: "fair weather" partners I like to call them: only care about the surface stuff but when it comes to the REAL issues it scares the hell outta 'em.

[Nexus One]

 

I wouldn't do it on my own, wouldn't even consider it.

 

It's one of those things where I look back on my life and think a child would have been nice- but it's not going to make me or break me to not have kids. It's not something I'd take on alone.

 

Well the point of freezing the eggs of a woman can be that once a guy comes along that does want kids, then they can fertilize your eggs with his sperm. So even when you're not able to get pregnant anymore, your eggs still are. If I'm not mistaking it's then still possible for the woman to have the eggs inseminated and carry the baby, but it's also possible to have someone else carry it, albeit the latter can be costly. But it allows you to have a biological child with a man you meet in the future, even though you at that point aren't able to get pregnant the natural way anymore.

 

Have you considered the reason that your ex left during your pregnancy was because he realised just how big a commitment raising a child would be? He knew that you would be too vulnerable to leave, so he took his chance insetead.

 

One theory I have is that because he didn't want children and D-Lish did decide to keep the baby, he started to see her as a threat to his happiness and/or freedom. So once she MC'd he took the first chance he got to leave, because he didn't want to risk another broken condom with a partner that wanted to keep the child.

 

Another possibility is what D-Lish mentioned, that her hormones got the best of her and he got to see a side of her that made him fall out of love.

 

So in both theories the child would have been what kept him with D-Lish, but as she MC'd he left. And as a woman that's not what you should want in my opinion. People who love each other should be with each other because of each other and not because of secondary factors. That's just my opinion and not everyone here on LS seems to agree, but that's how I feel about it.

 

Either way I don't think D-Lish can be held responsible, because you can't blame a woman for wanting to have a child and be a mother, it's biology. Similarly the hormonal thing is biological.

 

Like I've mentioned before, the whole situation was unfortunate.

Edited August 27, 2011 by Nexus One

[SillyS]

All the theories show the pseudo therapist in us all. But this story is a tricky one. I would say, that typically something is the trigger for the end. And I think that reason is solely about him. He decided that this is not what he wanted, and thus the trigger is his feelings independent of D's behavior. The hormones is like 'another reason', something else to validate his decision. That's the cop out story, but I think that most women are totally not acceptable members of society when pregnant and that the men and women in their lives usually don't hold that against them because so much of it is outside of their own control. I'm oldest of 6 kids, so believe me, I will tell you how irrational/moody and mean most pregnant women are any day of the week. So please don't blame yourself.

 

I think the general consensus typically is that when you can handle speaking and hanging out again, then you will. I think his decision to not at the moment is perhaps a sign that he is working through things or needs more time before being confronted with you and his decision. So please don't say the idea of never speaking again, because I think there is room for that in the future. We simply don't know what the future holds for any of us. You two could be married in three years for all we know.

[whichwayisup]

Cats are smarter than dogs- so I think my dogs would be a good source of entertainment for the kitties.

 

Cats can jump so freaking high- it's perplexing and frustrating for dogs.

 

You won't even know I am there WWIU, I'll sleep until noon and as long as you have my pancakes ready when I wake up, we shouldn't have a problem.

 

HOw's about some french toast instead? Pancakes..Yuck!

[D-Lish]

All the theories show the pseudo therapist in us all. But this story is a tricky one. I would say, that typically something is the trigger for the end. And I think that reason is solely about him. He decided that this is not what he wanted, and thus the trigger is his feelings independent of D's behavior. The hormones is like 'another reason', something else to validate his decision. That's the cop out story, but I think that most women are totally not acceptable members of society when pregnant and that the men and women in their lives usually don't hold that against them because so much of it is outside of their own control. I'm oldest of 6 kids, so believe me, I will tell you how irrational/moody and mean most pregnant women are any day of the week. So please don't blame yourself.

 

I think the general consensus typically is that when you can handle speaking and hanging out again, then you will. I think his decision to not at the moment is perhaps a sign that he is working through things or needs more time before being confronted with you and his decision. So please don't say the idea of never speaking again, because I think there is room for that in the future. We simply don't know what the future holds for any of us. You two could be married in three years for all we know.

 

I think you're right.

 

When we started dating in the first couple of months he kept telling me I was "perfect", I kept telling him I wasn't. It worried me that he felt that way because I knew at some point I was doomed to fail.

 

I knew at the time it was a red flag. How can anyone live up to that expectation from another person? I think he began the process of checking out the first time he noticed a flaw.

 

I was emotional during the time of my pregnancy, but not overly "crazy". Most of my gf's have told me they were incredibly moody and emotional while pregnant. It's unfortunate I was judged on that- as it's not who I am. When the smoke cleared and my hormones returned to normal, I just felt "like me" again.

 

Personally I think he has major intimacy issues- I don't think he's capable of fully "connecting" with anyone. I do believe that the pregnancy brought out his commitment issues in full force.

 

I think one reason I've had a hard time letting go is that it bothers me that he's alwaya going to remember me as the emotional pregnant girl when that's not who I am at all.

[Nexus One]

Cats can jump so freaking high- it's perplexing and frustrating for dogs.

 

When I was a kid we had a dachshund like this one: http://bit.ly/Aoros

 

And let me tell you, for a little dog with tiny legs like that they can jump pretty high, roughly 5 feet or so. Whenever there was a fly in the room the dog would jump repeatedly and try to grab the fly, but as the dog jumped up to 5 feet it lost control over its body in mid air and it looked hilarious. Sometimes a fly would be behind the television set, so when we were watching tv we'd suddenly see our dog appear above the tv while appearing to be "falling upwards", absolutely no body control while making weird spasms, jumping repeatedly.

 

Damn I loved that dog, sometimes still dream about it, even though it has been 20 years since we had the dog, I miss that little bundle of happiness.

[D-Lish]

When I was a kid we had a dachshund like this one: http://bit.ly/Aoros

 

And let me tell you, for a little dog with tiny legs like that they can jump pretty high, roughly 5 feet or so. Whenever there was a fly in the room the dog would jump repeatedly and try to grab the fly, but as the dog jumped up to 5 feet it lost control over its body in mid air and it looked hilarious. Sometimes a fly would be behind the television set, so when we were watching tv we'd suddenly see our dog appear above the tv while appearing to be "falling upwards", absolutely no body control while making weird spasms, jumping repeatedly.

 

Damn I loved that dog, sometimes still dream about it, even though it has been 20 years since we had the dog, I miss that little bundle of happiness.

 

My dogs aren't great at jumping, they can stand on two legs for hours if I dangle a treat high enough, but not jump.

 

My dogs may be old- but if a fly flies low enough, they catch them, lol.

What's gross is that they eat them, they don't spit them out, lol. What is more gross is that sometimes my male dog eats his own poo:p I actually lecture him like he's my human buddy when I catch him "dude, wtf, that's just not right"... He just cocks his head back and forth and continues on his merry way"...

 

I actually wrote a reponse to your last response to me and it got erased for some reason, that always pisses me off- but it's happened here and there- you put in time to write something and it disappears:(

[Nexus One]

I actually wrote a reponse to your last response to me and it got erased for some reason, that always pisses me off- but it's happened here and there- you put in time to write something and it disappears:(

 

Yeah I get that too sometimes. Then I tend to think, 'ah f*ck it' and then don't bother with rewriting the post. But I've found a way to prevent from losing what I wrote. Every now and then while writing a post I hit ctrl+a and then ctrl+c, that way what I wrote gets copied to the clipboard and when I do lose what I typed out, then I paste it back. I especially do it just before hitting submit reply.

Edited August 28, 2011 by Nexus One

[D-Lish]

So in both theories the child would have been what kept him with D-Lish, but as she MC'd he left. And as a woman that's not what you should want in my opinion. People who love each other should be with each other because of each other and not because of secondary factors. That's just my opinion and not everyone here on LS seems to agree, but that's how I feel about it.

 

Either way I don't think D-Lish can be held responsible, because you can't blame a woman for wanting to have a child and be a mother, it's biology. Similarly the hormonal thing is biological.

 

Like I've mentioned before, the whole situation was unfortunate.

 

He also has a pattern of checking out of relationships- it's just that he usually becomes so withdrawn from the person he's with that it forces them to leave him.

 

Yes, I think some of my behaviours pushed him away when my hormones were out of whack. I don't think he put the 2+2 together with the hormones and altered state of behaviour.

 

It just bothers me that he thinks of me as that moody emotional person, that he broke up with me because of that. Makes me sad.

 

I think the general consensus typically is that when you can handle speaking and hanging out again, then you will. I think his decision to not at the moment is perhaps a sign that he is working through things or needs more time before being confronted with you and his decision. So please don't say the idea of never speaking again, because I think there is room for that in the future. We simply don't know what the future holds for any of us. You two could be married in three years for all we know.

 

I am actually 100% sure he'll never speak to me again. I don't think he'll ever be able to look me in the eyes again. He could barely look me in the eyes when he broke up with me. I know he felt guilty because he was all teared up and just kept saying how bad he felt. I don't think he'd ever want to go back and face that guilt again being the coward he is.

Edited August 28, 2011 by D-Lish

[NXS]

Sorry to hear about your situation DLish. I'm not really on this site much but you always struck me as a good soul with a lot of great posts. I guess you seemed to be really together but goes to show things are not always as they seem.

 

Anyway you're welcome to crash on my couch for a while. You can even leave crumbs and cold pizza.

[betterdeal]

I am actually 100% sure he'll never speak to me again. I don't think he'll ever be able to look me in the eyes again. He could barely look me in the eyes when he broke up with me. I know he felt guilty because he was all teared up and just kept saying how bad he felt. I don't think he'd ever want to go back and face that guilt again being the coward he is.

 

If he's a coward, why do you care if you speak to him again? What's for sure is he couldn't give you what you wanted, and you couldn't give him what you wanted. It's over.

 

I'd ask myself, why am I so deeply affected by this event? Not a lot of questions as to why he did stuff, what he's doing now or what he thinks or feels. Start framing your questions in terms of you: do I feel confident enough to have a level-headed conversation with him should we encounter one another again? Is there something stressing me right now that's prompting me to bring up him again and can I focus on improving that?

[D-Lish]

Sorry to hear about your situation DLish. I'm not really on this site much but you always struck me as a good soul with a lot of great posts. I guess you seemed to be really together but goes to show things are not always as they seem.

 

Anyway you're welcome to crash on my couch for a while. You can even leave crumbs and cold pizza.

 

Thanks. Are my dogs allowed up on your couch?

 

----------------------------------

 

I think what I need to do is continue to make my own closure. I can't ever rely on him coming back and having an adult conversation about what happened. He couldn't even talk openly with me when we were together, he's not going to make the effort now that we are apart.

 

I'm just making myself miserable imaging all these scenarios-

That he had actually met someone else,

That he hates me and thinks I'm crazy,

That breaking up with me brought him a great amount of relief.

 

I extended an olive branch by breaking NC, and since that was 3 weeks ago, I have my answer. I wasn't looking to get back together, just looking for some proper closure. I guess a part of me also wants him to see me again as the normal, confident and happy girl he first fell for- maybe to negate the impression that he holds about remembering me as emotional pregnant girl.

 

I told him he didn't have to answer me, only that if he ever wanted to grab a coffee as friends that I'd be open to that. I'll never reach out to him again, that was the first and last time I'll ever break NC ever again.

 

It certainly is sad to have to go through something like that and never speak to one another ever again, but knowing his intimacy issues and inability to communicate- It's going to be up to me to create my own closure.

 

I'm trying...

[D-Lish]

If he's a coward, why do you care if you speak to him again? What's for sure is he couldn't give you what you wanted, and you couldn't give him what you wanted. It's over.

 

I'd ask myself, why am I so deeply affected by this event? Not a lot of questions as to why he did stuff, what he's doing now or what he thinks or feels. Start framing your questions in terms of you: do I feel confident enough to have a level-headed conversation with him should we encounter one another again? Is there something stressing me right now that's prompting me to bring up him again and can I focus on improving that?

 

I know it's over, no doubts about that. Doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt to be abandoned, regardless of whether he's a coward or not.

 

I'm so deeply affected by the event because I have so much guilt over some of my emotional moments that might have driven him away. I truly believed in him so much when we met. Everything happened so fast, it was a whirlwind romance, I got pregnant and then I MC'd and he left... Even though it happened over almost 6 months, it seemed like it happened so fast and then he was just gone. I don't know why I am not processing it after 4 months.

 

I don't know why I am stuck- I ask myself that all the time.

[betterdeal]

I know it's over, no doubts about that. Doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt to be abandoned, regardless of whether he's a coward or not.

 

I'm so deeply affected by the event because I have so much guilt over some of my emotional moments that might have driven him away. I truly believed in him so much when we met. Everything happened so fast, it was a whirlwind romance, I got pregnant and then I MC'd and he left... Even though it happened over almost 6 months, it seemed like it happened so fast and then he was just gone. I don't know why I am not processing it after 4 months.

 

I don't know why I am stuck- I ask myself that all the time.

 

Maybe start by accepting that you are where you are and don't beat yourself up about it - accept that you did what you did. Get used to accepting what was and what is. I can't give much more advice - I'm just improving my lot slowly after a fast and furious relationship like you are. It'll take time. Time to get to know yourself again, be yourself again and be more a part of the world.

[Zaphod B]

It's not easy is it? Hopefully now that you're at the anger phase it means you're finally at the end of the tunnel. I've told you about my ex and how I put her on a pedistal. I just got back on the dating sites again a few weeks back because I was fed up with hearing about one of my friends going on dates and having all the fun.

 

Just last week I came across a profile and it was my Ex, back on the site again. It felt good to know that she hadn't found anyone. Ha ha ha! She's looking for a type of guy who doesn't exist so probably will never end up in a good relationship. No doubt she'll be on for a few weeks, get pissed off with all the guys who just want to get her into bed, then remove her profile again.

 

But seeing her profile there kind of made me feel miserable again and I had this stupid hope she would send me a message just to say "hi" or "how are you doing?" But nope. And being a paying member I can see who's viewed my profile. She never did. I did click on "not interested" though and made a decision that I was not going to check up on her profile again to see if she was still on there. And I had to remind myself of my list of bad things about her to remind myself what an evil cow she was and how I should not be feeling sad about splitting with her.

 

Something good though. A woman I thought I'd blown it with a month ago called me on Sun morning saying she really wanted to see me, but for various reasons left it until now to contact me. We spent most of the day together. I can tell you now if things work out, she will knock my ex off her pedistal with an almighty blow. Just trying not to let her up there just yet though, because I want to be sure she's not just a game player like most of the women I've dated in recent times.

[NXS]

Thanks. Are my dogs allowed up on your couch?

 

Ok, dog hairs too..... you drive a hard bargain

 

I guess a part of me also wants him to see me again as the normal, confident and happy girl he first fell for- maybe to negate the impression that he holds about remembering me as emotional pregnant girl.

 

There's something really sad about this, like a feeling of shame or guilt about being pregnant and not being your "confident happy self", wtf you were pregnant not having a cold. It's almost like you can't allow yourself to be vulnerable and have any expectations of others. Well sometimes you need other people and that's when you find out who your real friends are.