Never talking again is heart breaking

[D-Lish]

Maybe start by accepting that you are where you are and don't beat yourself up about it - accept that you did what you did. Get used to accepting what was and what is. I can't give much more advice - I'm just improving my lot slowly after a fast and furious relationship like you are. It'll take time. Time to get to know yourself again, be yourself again and be more a part of the world.

 

I guess that's all we can do. It's the fast and furious relationships that seem to hurt more than the longer term relationships.

 

I guess I have also been thinking lately- "wow, I'd be close to my due date now had that not happened"... I think that might be a trigger I'm ignoring.

 

The funny thing is, in the first few months, had I left him- he'd be here on LS devastated. We had a really big fight shortly after I found out I was pregnant. It was over something I considered breaking up with him over. I packed my stuff and left his place- he had blocked the door and begged me not to leave, but I eventually did get around him and leave. I didn't speak to him for 24 hours because I was really hurt. He went nuts with texts, e-mails, phone calls, begging to talk. We got together and talked it out a couple of days later and he said he was so despondent over losing me that he hadn't been able to sleep or eat. Oddly enough, after that, the tables gradually began to turn. That was 3 months into our relationship. I think he started to wall himself off after that. I think he realized he was in a vulnerable position and that scared the hell out of him.

 

If I could pinpoint a turning point- that incident would be it.

 

I am trying to create my own closure, trying not to blame myself (as I am sure you are).

 

Thanks again:)

[Nexus One]

It's possible that you suffered some sort of trauma from the entire ordeal (f.i. psychological or emotional), like you said, it was like a whirlwind and major events all happened fast, one after another. All I can say about that is that time will probably help heal that wound.

Edited August 29, 2011 by Nexus One

[D-Lish]

It's possible that you suffered some sort of trauma from the entire ordeal (f.i. psychological or emotional), like you said, it was like a whirlwind and major events all happened fast, one after another. All I can say about that is that time will probably help heal that wound.

 

Yes, the MC was a trauma for me. Being dumped afterward was a double whammy.

 

What are you going to do though? I'm relying on time to get over it, I just wish I could speed up the clock.

[betterdeal]

The thing with these types of relationship, for every thing about them that pisses you off now, it raises the question, why did I react as I did and how can I better respond to something like that?

 

I guess in your case, don't take ownership of his misery or happiness. If he's inconsolable after a barny, that's as reliable as being angry or over the moon - it's a highly emotive state - and no state in which to make big decisions - like getting back together.

 

Some times we just meet someone who taps into just enough of our weaknesses (and we do theirs too) such that we're almost always responding out of our innate sense of pity or sorrow or such like, and it all becomes toxic and stressful. They - and we - aren't being malicious, it's just a form of insanity created by two flawed personalities pushing each other's buttons at just the wrong time.

 

I mean, think of all the drama in that relationship - was it really that enjoyable? Do you really want to talk to him again, knowing that it may well end up like that again or you might well just end up being reminded of all the clanger moments?

[TrueColors]

D'lish,

 

Minus the pregnancy, your type of relationship with this guy and the things you've described about him sounds like my last relationship - and that was over a 5 year period.

 

I broke down in front of my ex when he came over to get his stuff. The look of guilt on his face (well, from what I could see through my tears - he couldn't look me in the face either). I think this is the scene he was trying so hard to avoid when he decided to end it over the phone - yeah the guy was that much of a coward he couldn't even do the deed to my face.

 

Anyway...

 

What you said about your ex's last image of you: that's how I feel about thd way my ex sees me. I, too think that he won't ever bother contacting me again, well I did tell him not to, so I did pretty much give him a "get out" card which he (comfortably) obliges by.

 

Why, as you have accurately pointed out, would they bother coming back after all the emotional turmoil which they proved they couldn't handle in a mature and dignified way? They run from their feelings. They run from themselves.

 

But, back to us: did you give your ex a true picture of 'you'?

 

You say that you feel 'guilt' for some of the emotional stuff you did that you feel, pushed him away. Like what, specifically?

 

You mentioned feeling abandoned. I believe this is a key point here. This could be a link to your EU as well as why you picked someone with these qualities too. Like attracts like. I'm sure you know all this already, but if you are to make good use of time's healing properties, then you'll need to figure out how to get out of this pattern.

 

And I'd just like to point out that it hurts just as much after being in a LTR as it has with your relative whirlwind: I'm still going through this same troubled state over a year later.

Edited August 29, 2011 by TrueColors

[TrueColors]

The thing with these types of relationship, for every thing about them that pisses you off now, it raises the question, why did I react as I did and how can I better respond to something like that?

 

Some times we just meet someone who taps into just enough of our weaknesses (and we do theirs too) such that we're almost always responding out of our innate sense of pity or sorrow or such like, and it all becomes toxic and stressful. They - and we - aren't being malicious, it's just a form of insanity created by two flawed personalities pushing each other's buttons at just the wrong time.

 

I totally agree - for my situation as well as D'lish's.

[D-Lish]

D'lish,

 

Minus the pregnancy, your type of relationship with this guy and the things you've described about him sounds like my last relationship - and that was over a 5 year period.

 

I broke down in front of my ex when he came over to get his stuff. The look of guilt on his face (well, from what I could see through my tears - he couldn't look me in the face either). I think this is the scene he was trying so hard to avoid when he decided to end it over the phone - yeah the guy was that much of a coward he couldn't even do the deed to my face.

 

Anyway...

 

What you said about your ex's last image of you: that's how I feel about thd way my ex sees me. I, too think that he won't ever bother contacting me again, well I did tell him not to, so I did pretty much give him a "get out" card which he (comfortably) obliges by.

 

Why, as you have accurately pointed out, would they bother coming back after all the emotional turmoil which they proved they couldn't handle in a mature and dignified way? They run from their feelings. They run from themselves.

 

But, back to us: did you give your ex a true picture of 'you'?

 

You say that you feel 'guilt' for some of the emotional stuff you did that you feel, pushed him away. Like what, specifically?

 

You mentioned feeling abandoned. I believe this is a key point here. This could be a link to your EU as well as why you picked someone with these qualities too. Like attracts like. I'm sure you know all this already, but if you are to make good use of time's healing properties, then you'll need to figure out how to get out of this pattern.

 

And I'd just like to point out that it hurts just as much after being in a LTR as it has with your relative whirlwind: I'm still going through this same troubled state over a year later.

 

I don't think there was an opportunity for him to get a true picture of who I was because being pregnant threw my emotions for a loop. We started dating in November and I got pregnant around new years. It was shortly after that where I became prone to crying a little more than normal, agitated easily, reactive, sensitive... That sort of thing. Mind you, it was not extreme and not daily- but I definitely had bouts of moody behaviour that isn't the norm for me. For the almost 6 months we were together, I was pregnant for 4 of them. The first couple months were awesome, no arguements, lots of affection, we got along amazingly. Our first fight didn't occur until after I got pregnant.

 

It was after that fight that i became unsure as to whether or not to break up with him and walked out and left him for a couple of day- he wents nuts during that time texting, calling, e-mailing, begging me to come over and talk to him. Things started going a bit down hill after that. I think as soon as he realized he was in a vulnerable position, he started the process of checking out.

 

The only good thing is that I got to figure out he isn't capable of being supportive during a crisis. Besides our initial conversation about what to do regarding the pregnancy, he never asked me anything or talked about it. He never even asked what I was planning on doing. I broke down one day and told him I needed to talk about it more, and he agreed to try harder to communicate, but nothing at all changed.

 

Somewhere along the way had we stayed together longer, something would have come up to test us and I guess it's better I found out sooner rather than later that he's not capable of being supportive.

 

Better Deal is right though, our relationship became a state of stress over the pregnancy and it's easy to see why it broke down.

 

I'm sorry you are still hurting a year out:( 5 Years is a long time.