obsessed with my boyfriend EX girlfriend

[lovegirl]

My story is really really long its like 4 pages on Microsoft words, I doubt someone would sit her and read my sad story. Long story short.....

 

I met my boyfriend of 3 years in high school. He had a girlfriend of almost 2 years when I meet him my senior yr. There relationship was a disaster, They would cures to one another, They were always mad at each other, she cheated on him nemours times, She had late night chat with guy behind his back, She would hang out with them sometimes, There relationship was just a mess and he didn't even know was she was doing behind his back. One day he found out and broke up with her. We started to talk months before they broke up as friends. We both knew we liked each other and there was something. We first seen each other freshmen yr every winter and we would always smile at each other in the hallway. I would see him nemoures times my junior yr. and always found a excuse to hay hello. Senior yr. came & I wonder if i would see him, first day of school in 1th period he walks in my class, we sat near each other and little by little we started to talk. He told me he had a girlfriend of 1 year and couple of months but he wasn't happy with her. He had lots of pictures of girl on his phone and only one pic of his girlfriend, He texted lots of girls and he didn't feel the same way for her anymore he told me she feels different. One day in class it was a free day and we connected that day, we talked about this game and no one knows about it and at the time I had the whole series. after that we started to talk more often and walk to class together. We became really close, He really didn't talk about his girlfriend at the time the only thing he would say was that he doesn't like her anymore he ovoid her in school and when they would hangout on lunch he wouldn't look at her, I seen him around lunch and they were distance I started to notice that his girlfriend would look at me wired and mug me around school. I soon found out that he would talk about me often and tell his girlfriend that i was so pretty and cool. couple of weeks later they brake up because he found out that she sleeped with some guy while they were dating and was talking to other guys and he wasn't her first. I stopped talking to him because it was to much to take in for him. I didn't really talk to him for 1 month and after we started to talk and I got a cell phone so we started to text and we would go to the movies with a group of people. He friend would IM me and ask me if I liked him I wouldn't respond the questions because I really did like him and I didn't know if he still had feelings for his ex. He and his friend came to visit me one day and the situation came up about if he still liked her. He said He got over her a while ago and he know something wasn't right. after that we started to talk and he told me he liked me. 4 months later he asked me out and made it very clear he was completely over her and he really liked me. His ex girlfriend was dating some guy she was talking to behind my boyfriends back, so i thought things were completely over but 2 months later she started to call him. She called him 20 times one day and he finally answered she told him she cheated on her boyfriend and wanted him back. They broke up and after that she didn't leave my boyfriend alone she text him and called him. I found her myspace profile and seen her in a relationship with other guy this guy was in my 3th period class. she would write on her status crazy things. My boyfriend told me she was crazy but i didn't believe it. I talked to her boyfriend in class one time and shared hot chettos with him couple of weeks later he comes in class and sit in front of me he brings in this girl with him and they were making out and touching each other. I told my boyfriend about it and he didn't care. she called him again and was crying telling him she cheating on her boyfriend and didn't know what to do. I asked by boyfriend why does she still calls you and feels like she has a right to try to talk to you. He told me that they promised each other that what ever happen to them that they would still talk to each other and they will always love each other just like any typical relationship saying. After the two boyfriend she had she still wanted my boyfriend back and would send him msg like " I know you still love me", I will always be waiting for you", My dad just left come visit", and really long text msg about how much memories they had. I thought they still talked on the phone at night and text behind my back I would ask my boyfriend and he said that will never happen and he really hated her. Her ex boyfriend for my 3th period told me she was really crazy and texts him non stop and msg him on myspace and she doest leave him alone and she even does it to her other ex boyfriends the one after my boyfriend. after that i though she was crazy she would write on myspace that she wants to kill her self and she cry herself to sleep. the hole texting & calling continued on until graduation. my bf and i were going strong and we were really in love. over the summer my bff & i stoped been friends and she goes over here and writes to my boyfriend ex girlfriend that I wanted to be her up, I hate a fake myspace and was talking ****, I was stacking her, I would drive by her house..etc.. it really made me look siko. when i heard about that I hacked my bff myspace to confirm if it was true and it was I would log in once a week and see what they would say and wow such negativity one thing stuck to me like glue still now " he only dated her to get over me" for about a year in a half she wouldn't stop texting him and calling him, it really got on my nerves and I wanted to say something but my bf told me not to cuz thats what she wanted. i found out throw her myspace she will be leaving to college pretty soon and i tought i would be the end of this. she stoped for for 2 months of text & calls. she stoped undating her myspace. summer was over and it was time to start school again, college. I was in school one day and my friends made me get a facebook because it was the new myspace so I made one and things were looking better with my boyfriend we were great. after I got 100 friends on facebook I seen the suggestions sections and found all my high school friends I started adding them. I found her on facebook one day while i was look at my friends pictures I click on her profile and it was public. I seen that she was in a relationship with this guy and it wasn't going to great he lived in stockton while she was in school. I seen her facebook status and she would reminisce about the old days and he would write like " 2008 what would of been if we still were together" She text my boyfriend coupld of days later and said how have you been my boyfriend replied happier then ever and leave me alone. She started to reminisce alot on facebook and I repiled to one of her test telling her to leave my bf alone. She stop fo good now were 3 years going on strong

 

 

but I still think about the past and ask myself....

Did he cheat on me with her? Did they ever talk on the phone? did they see each other? did anything happen with them again? Did he lie to me was he still in love with her the first 1yr we were together? it felt like they were still talking because no one would try talking to a ex for a whole year in a half.

 

I find my self looking at her fb now. idk why i do it but its really pissing me off. she has a bf now and they been together for 1 year now she doesn't bother my bf now, she goes to college, she has one things I want like go to a big university, do college things but i'm in a community school i wish I would of went right after high school but i didn't but i know i will be in a university soon.

 

I find myself still talking about her. Idk if jealousy or want to know who she is to be nothing like her, If my boyfriend still like her??? me and my boyfriend sometimes talk about the past and he tells me why im always talking about her if it was like I went out with her and i'm still trying to get over her.

 

I need advice on how to get over this. I dont want to check up on her anymore I want to forget about her. I fell like I have a big "grudge" on her but I cant get over it cuz I never got into in before I didnt talk to her or seen her in person. just by pic and fb status.

[chelsea2011]

My recommendation is to get over it if you love your bf. Go to counseling and do whatever you can to put it behind you. If you keep nagging on it, you will slowly but surely push him away and one day he may say he has had enough. It sounds like your start was really rocky and you both have to work together to prove to each other it's in the past where it belongs. If you feel it will be too difficult to do and you can't get past it then cut your losses now and end the relationship. You "both" deserve happiness and if you can't find it with each other then call it a day and move onto finding a situation that doesn't have the baggage this one is carrying.

 

And stop checking her fb! Why do you want to keep rubbing salt into the wound? That is probably a huge reason you can't put this in the past where it belongs.

[Kelemort]

Welcome to the world of retroactive jealousy - you're scarcely alone. There are plenty of sufferers here (myself included). As I've mentioned in other threads, retroactive jealousy is sometimes a component of something called "Purely Obsessional (Purely O) OCD." While in your typical OCD case, a person experiences BOTH obsessions and compulsions, in Purely O, the person usually only experiences the obsession/rumination part of the illness.

 

Which is like what you're going through - obsessing over his ex-girlfriend. Purely O can also take on other forms - a person obsessing about religion/about going to Hell (something I also experienced when I was religious), their health, sexuality, etc.

 

But as far as an actual relationship goes, people with Purely O will also often question themselves with things like, "Is this person really the one?" "Am I really in love?" You are always stuck in a loop of trying to substantiate the relationship (Something I also experience).

 

The best course of action is, of course, to get into therapy and hopefully get some cognitive behavioral therapy along with medication to try and control it. It is very, very difficult.

 

But you also have a reason to be upset here - this guy totally disrespected his relationship with the 'psycho' by dissing her to you while they were still dating and ignoring her rather than just breaking up. After all of her 'psycho' behavior, he went on to drag you through that nightmare for more than a year by fielding her text messages and phone calls. You know what? In situations like that, no contact forever is best. Why would he invite that kind of disturbance into your relationship?

 

I think it's time to settle down with him and ask him again what his motivations were. Maybe it really was guilt ("We promised each other..."), but at the same time, he is right: thankfully this woman is now out of your lives and you can start to move on together, but you're stuck in the past.

 

But I don't blame you for doubting. He trash-talked his ex to you - specifically you, another woman. Who's to say he isn't canoodling with someone else, trashing you? He even brought his disaster of a relationship into YOUR relationship, and rather than telling her, "This is the last time I answer my phone, I'm going to get a restraining order against you," he would validate and encourage her behavior by answering if she called enough times. She knew eventually that he would break, and break he did. He should've stuck to his guns and let her call for DAYS. Eventually, she would get the hint and stop if she weren't validated...but he was giving her the validation she was looking for.

 

I think his motivations are bothering you. While he claims it was guilt that motivated him to keep contact with her, I think it's fair to discuss how he'll handle psychotic women in the future - i.e., by NOT answering their phone calls regardless of what happens. Naturally, you're fearful - it hasn't been all that long since she stopped this madness. What if she starts up again? What is he going to do then? You have no security in what he'll choose to do - for all you know, she's going to bring her terror streak into your relationship AGAIN. So I think it's time to tell him the paragraph I told you above.

 

And as far as going to community college first - you know what? You'll end up saving a TON of money. I went straight to university and honestly regret that I didn't go to a community college first. Yes, you'll get into a university...and you'll get a degree with that university's name on it far cheaper than your classmates who go straight to university will. The grass is greener on the other side, but in the present economy, you've made an EXCELLENT financial decision. School is costly and scholarships are forevermore vanishing!

 

But you also know it's time to stop looking at her Facebook/MySpace - so block her on all of those sites and make a commitment not to contact her or look at her profiles for one to two weeks. By the time that self-imposed short-term 'ban' breaks, you may even forget you've blocked her and it won't bother you anymore. I too had to force myself to stop looking at other sites - so far in the entire year I've only broken ONCE. It's hard to stop completely but you owe it to your own sanity.

 

I've also advised other women to do plenty of other stuff to get their minds off of Purely O - like getting active in a hobby, getting a job, hanging out with friends and family, researching and getting involved with a charity or club, devoting themselves more to school work and exercising, etc. And stop treating your man as the center point of your life - that's very common with women in general and unfortunately it puts him on a pedestal and leaves you the devalued partner. You DO have worth and you DO have value entirely absent of your boyfriend. Imagine that you are with him because you CHOOSE to be, not because you feel you must be.

 

But it's also time to get a reign on these feelings. Yes, everyone breaks (I do too...once or twice in the last few months) and brings it up to the significant other, but you're going to drive him crazy because invariably there's nothing he can do about the fact that he dated her or his behavior after they dated. He can apologize and you can try to move on, and that's all. I won't deny that he disrespected you with his behavior toward her in YOUR relationship. But if he has apologized and he's making moves to never act like that again, that's the best that he can do. You're better than that girl.

 

Do you cheat on your boyfriend? Do you resort to such psychotic displays? My only piece of advice is to never contact her again. You should've told your boyfriend to stand a ground against her, and if you felt he couldn't do it well enough, it was a clear sign for you to leave. But I'll bet you aren't anything like her, and THAT is something to be proud about.

 

Try to keep this stuff in mind. And if you can afford it, it may be time to see a therapist and learn more about Purely O.

 

- Kelemort

[lovegirl]

Thanks for advise, I tried to get over it but I find myself going back. Every other week I find myself unset like if they talked on the phone and he didn't tell me. I push him away and really don't want that. He doesn't know how i feel. When I would bring it up like ask him questions he asked me why i keep bringing her up, He made it very clear he is over her he never brings her up and doesn't say " oh thats what she liked" LIke bringing up some memories. I don't want to tell him how I really feel because I don't want him to thing I'm crazy I want to deal with it on my own. We started off on a very rocky road but we came up of it. as for the fb I deactivate my account and I hope I never have the need to check her fb anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My recommendation is to get over it if you love your bf. Go to counseling and do whatever you can to put it behind you. If you keep nagging on it, you will slowly but surely push him away and one day he may say he has had enough. It sounds like your start was really rocky and you both have to work together to prove to each other it's in the past where it belongs. If you feel it will be too difficult to do and you can't get past it then cut your losses now and end the relationship. You "both" deserve happiness and if you can't find it with each other then call it a day and move onto finding a situation that doesn't have the baggage this one is carrying.

 

And stop checking her fb! Why do you want to keep rubbing salt into the wound? That is probably a huge reason you can't put this in the past where it belongs.