Working with an ex

[Yuzuki]

I've been browsing around LoveShack a bit but I couldn't find very many topics about people who work together with their ex. I was wondering if anyone else on here has any experience with this?

 

I used to think weekends were the worst because I always spent them at his apartment during the relationship. I'm pretty sure you all know this feeling. But gradually I've found that the weekends are actually the best part of the week because I have the certainty that I won't be running into him.

 

During the week, thankfully we work in a different building but every now and then I'll get an e-mail with him in CC, or someone will mention his name, or worse: I'll run straight into him at the canteen. And it just... crushes me. I'm doing reasonably okay in the morning, but when I see him at lunch I need to run off to the restrooms to cry and I feel crappy for the rest of the day.

 

I think I'm going to have to work more closely together with him in a few months because there's a project we're both involved in. I did a very unprofessional thing explaining the situation to my boss a few weeks ago so I could avoid an initial meeting about it - simply because I knew I would just break down right then and there. I can only hope that things'll be better in a few months, because I honestly don't want to lose this job.

 

So, just wondering if anyone else has been through something similar? Not necessarily working together, but any situation in which you're forced to see or hear from your ex several days a week. I'd appreciate hearing someone else's story and how they coped.

[buranko]

well,

 

let me give u my 2 cents worth.

 

me and my ex worked together for 2 months 1 week after we broke things off. u can check out my threads if you like.

 

let me just say that its a ultimate mind F*** game that you would have to play. no whining, no showing that you miss him and no talking unless its business. Show him that you are so good with your life and that it doesn't really matter what happened between him and you. it is not going to affect you. trust me, if you do it right, he'll crack.

 

mine did. . she cracked and cried and took me to 1 corner to talk. telling me she was still single and available. i told her that all the more she should take good care of herself since no 1 will do that for her.

 

good luck, its not easy, but its worth it. if you come up of this sane and alive, you should know how much mental strength and character you have and that there really is nothing that this world can throw at you to bring you down.

 

i still love her and i miss her alot and i i hope that she loves me and misses me loads too. but this is love, it requires 2 parties, only by bringing in your A game, can you really grab him back . act needy and he'll be running faster that usain bolt. be strong and he may just wanna talk to you again.

[Yuzuki]

Hi buranko,

 

Thanks for your reply. I was afraid you'd say you hadn't been able to pull it off and had to quit the job or something (that seems to be the kind of story I usually find online - I was losing hope), but your story is inspirational.

 

I was actually taken aback by how much even just hearing his voice from the other side of the room affects me. I get nervous, want to cry, lose my appetite, or just get really really angry and feel like slapping him in the face (and that urge was so strong I had to leave the room to stop myself).

 

So far I didn't need to talk to him about business (thanks to avoiding the meeting) but sooner or later I'm going to have to. Didn't talking to her even in those circumstances make you feel worse? I'm afraid it'll take me right back to square one and it's just a matter of time before it happens.

 

Playing this "game" as you called it is anything but easy... but I'm going to have to try. Though I doubt he'll crack, it's for my own sanity more than anything.

[1Dunno]

I know what you're going through Yuzuki. I'm going through the exact same thing right now. Luckily I'm not in the same team, but we both work in the same building and generally see each other most days. I've been making an effort to try and avoid her. But lately she's been trying to "friend" me, which makes it even harder to stay strong around her. I feel anxious when I see her. Upon reflection, I don't think that I've done too bad at staying strong and not letting off that I'm affected. Which in one ways hurts more as she's moved on and expects me to have as well. If anything, she's the one who's bipolar when it comes to her mood. Happy and friendly one minute. Cold and distant the next.

 

Makes it extremely frustrating as it tends to feed any small hope that you have at times. A complete rollercoaster of emotions.

 

It's so hard to stay strong. But what we have to aim for is for them to not have such a profound effect on how we feel.

 

I've decided to take a short 1 week break so I don't have to see her, and try to clear my head. Feels really great so far, I just hope that 1 week will be long enough to distance myself a bit from the whole situation.

[buranko]

and may i add,

 

please refrain from talking abt your ex to your co-workers. the way things spread around. its an unsightly mess. i made this mistake. when a co-worker asked, i divulged a little more than i should and it came back and haunt me.

 

well, it did gave me a talk with her that i really craved for, but not the results i really craved for. and well, did set me back for quite a while.

 

its all mental really. Just how strong you are. if u miss her that much, trust me, she'll miss u that much. unless you are such a bore to begin with.

 

oh, and trust me, there are bound to be escalating miscomms between the 2 of you. chances are, the 2 of you will read too much into what each other do or do not do and form your own judgement. she became very critical of every thing i did, she came and quarreled over some small business matters twice when really, none of the other co-workers thought was a big fuss. i guess we kinda grew apart more ever since we worked together. this is something that try as i may, i could never over-come. in the end, i chose not to defend myself and let her judge me.

 

people who misunderstand you, will find out the truth 1 day. and when the do it without you telling them the truth, your silent strength and character will stand out so much more.

 

i've ended my project stint with her, and i did come off a better man. its a mixture of feelings. when it all ended, it was like , its really over. now i cant even care for her from afar kind of thing, and we never chat at all. but i know from the bottom of my heart, its over now. we care for one another but not enough to sustain a relationship. it was a great relationship, but she was weak willed.

 

you know, one day i may settle down, get myself a lovely wife and have awesome children. but i know i will always have this regret of what if . . .

[Yuzuki]

1Dunno - I truly hope your one week break will help. I know it can be a relief to know that you don't need to see your ex for awhile.

 

I took a one week break myself quite early into the breakup but that was slightly different. I was supposed to go on a trip with him but that was cancelled so I ended up sitting at home (he did go, he had family there). I was quite annoyed because of this and truthfully would rather have been at work to distract myself, knowing he wouldn't be there anyway. But it was too late to cancel the holiday.

 

However, I'd say be prepared for that moment when you first see her when you get back to work. Not to scare you (things might be different for you, we had only just broken up), but it possibly stung even more when I finally saw him again.

 

buranko - I'm afraid I've already talked to co-workers so the damage might already be done. I knew of the risks but some of them are friends, so I felt I had to tell them what was going on. And knowing that some people are aware of what you're going through also kind of helps.

 

I don't know if/when this will backfire and I hope it won't, but I know it's a possibility. Then again I'm not sure I really care if he finds out about how I feel about all this. If that's the price I have to pay for the support I get... so be it.

 

 

I'm relieved to hear from some people going through the same thing though. It gives me some strength to make it through this difficult time.

[worlybear]

Similar thing- I had to work with the OW as my STBXH was suspended because of his affair with her at the village school, where we all worked. The school was keen for me to leave (C of E- don't get me started!) as it was a major embarrassment to them- it nearly killed me to do it but I was determined not to be driven out. Hold your head high, be professional and keep going. I've never regretted staying until my contract was finished and it has helped me realise that I am a worthwhile person.

Smile brightly and be polite- you can always fall apart in privacy at home.

Hugs:bunny::bunny:

[Yuzuki]

Hi worlybear, sorry for the late reply. Thanks for sharing your own experience. Doesn't sound easy at all but you handled it well.

 

The smiling/being polite thing is not working very well for me though. I mostly look away immediately and keep walking. I just can't find it in me to do anything but that.

 

I happened to catch his gaze again today and although I tried to ignore him and walked past, it pretty much ruined my mood for the rest of the afternoon and I cried again for the first time in a few days. It just feels like I would have made more progress in healing if it weren't for seeing/hearing him all the time. It hurts.