robaday Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 Hi. I have been friends with a woman (Im male) for 13 or so years. I didnt know her well then, but we always chatted when we saw each other. Later 6 or so years ago, i moved to another city, where she lived (pure coincidence). She had a partner of 6 years. But her and her partner took me out and we all became close, as I knew only a handful of people. Id hang out with her on her own a lot, and drank with her boyfriend all the time. She is attractive, and I get along with her better than most of my male friends. We have loads in common, and I guess there have been times where id wondered if it was more than just platonic. But her boyfriend is my best friend, and there is no way on earth I would ever do anything to hurt him. Part of me is shut off from looking at her in that way - Im like that, despite being relatively popular with women, I uphold strong morals, and would not ever put myself in a compromising position. There has never been any kissing, touching, or sleeping together between us since weve known each other. Recently, when we were drinking she told me she loved me. I guess this is common among friends, but it was the way she said it. Coupled with issues over this friendship in the past from previous girlfriends (they picked up on it being more than friends), Im at a bit of a loss on how to handle this. I have distanced myself a little from her over the years just to work on my relationships, but i guess, the reality is i think there is something more to it. and i dont know what to do, i dont want to lose her as a friend, and i certainly dont want any issues with her boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
ja123 Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 What needs to happen is that she decides she doesn't want to be with her boyfriend and then take time to get her head on straight because it's a breakup and she'll need time. I wouldn't jump into a relationship with her right after she's just broken up. Wait at least 3-months and if you do see her, then make sure it's in a group setting, and not one-on-one to avoid temptation. But at this point, if you really like her you may need to ask her what she meant by saying, "I love you." Was it in a friend-to-friend way or was it more? Then tell her you are interested but wouldn't dream of crossing the line considering she has a boyfriend. I think you need to know, so that if she sees you as friends, you can move on and find someone else, because it sounds like you've got your heart set on this girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Author robaday Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 Thanks for your advice. I think youve misunderstood. I have no intention of being with this girl. Even if they were to break up, I dont think I could do this to my friend - it just wouldnt be right. The advice Im asking for is linked to her - I have always kept things at a friend level, but at times I feel she has crossed the line - as in hurting my relationships with other women, due to openly flirting with me. I know women are territorial, but at times its seemed disrespectful, not only to me, but also to the other women and her boyfriend. Yes, I have an emotional bond with her. Yes, I am sure there is some attraction on my part, but I have no intention of ever taking it past the friend level. But what can I say to her to prevent this stuff happening without coming across as a) weird, b) making a mountain out of a molehill, and c) losing her as a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Yernasia Quorelios Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 ...to discuss this with your friend man-to-man...you may surprised at a lady's willingness to share herself and more importantly your friend's acquiescence... Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted August 26, 2011 Share Posted August 26, 2011 If she openly flirted with you in front of previous girlfriends of yours----she's NOT a true friend. It's sabotaging behavior---you don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure out that it would piss off your girlfriends. She knew just what she was doing.......... A TRUE friend does NOT do anything to make waves in the love lives of their friends. Behaving that way not only disrespected your girlfriends IMMENSELY---but it also disrespected YOU. I think your best off keeping distance from her.If you've decided that there's NO WAY you'll ever get together with her (Out of respect for your best friend, which, BTW--good for you!) then there's every chance she'll continue to sabotage any romantic relationships that you start up. Either keep a distance , or make it crystal clear that you won't tolerate her behaving that way when you're with someone. Or keep things as they are, and allow her to keep scaring off other girls you might try to date.........It's up to you. My SO had a female friend like that, & it caused a lot of unnecessary drama in our R. I nearly dumped him over it. It turned out she had a history of intervening , and intruding on his relationships---but he had to have that pointed out to him. In his eyes, she was this great friend---but I told him, flat-out--- If she was really a friend--she would respect YOUR choices romantically, and be respectful to whoever you chose to be with. She wouldn't be pulling maneuvers behind your back................... It sends a message that she doesn't think your smart or mature enough to manage your own affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
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