Intimacy problems lead to 2nd break-up

[pandora_be]

My ex-GF and I broke up the first time in february, at that time we were talking on Skype everyday and doing crazy trips we were so much in love. In january I was abroad for a month and we stayed in touch. Suddenly however my ex-GF felt that I was too much for her and she needed 'space'. It was very hard for me since I just came back and hadn't seen her in a while.

 

After a few weeks we both started missing each other and decided to start as friends but before we knew it we were sleeping together again. Until june everything was amazing again. Then suddenly my ex-GF got very irritated quickly and she got mad very fast for small things. She said it was because of insecurity she felt.

 

The end of june was the last time we were intimate and slept together. She didn't say the words that she just wanted to be friends but she felt that all the arguments that were happening between us, she needed time to get used to me again before we could go back to bed together. In July I went on a holiday and she was texting me that she misses me very much and she felt like she was doing her 'best' to make our relationship great and I was pushing her away. In fact maybe I was, but the fact she was not willing to be intimate made me doubt and I couldn't deal with the mixed signals.

 

So eventually last week after more than a month of some kind of friend status we broke up for the second time. She put the blame on me and said that if I wouldn't push her away by doing my thing (going on holidays, focussing on work) when she missed me, we could be intimate again, that I just needed to be patient for an indefinite amount of time.

 

I really don't know what exactly happened and why we got to the point of pushing each other away, and I don't know if there is a way back together or if it's a good idea at all? But I already miss her For now she is leaving me alone.

[123BeachFan]

After your first reconciliation, you two were just friends but one thing led to another and you were sexually intimate together. This is just a guess, but maybe your relationship from February to June was physically intimate but not longer emotionally intimate. That maybe your new 'friendship' status seemed a safe place to be, but she was wanting you two to resume the emotional connection you had before.

 

The emotional distance might have felt comfortable for you because you didn't want to risk your heart again should you suffer another breakup. But that sounds like what your relationship was lacking - a real connection.

 

There is a way to heal from this, but both of you need to be willing to take the risk and genuinely be in a relationship.

[pandora_be]

Yes it's true, I was holding back on the emotional leven as she was after a while on the physical level. I think we both were subconsciously afraid of getting hurt a second time. At one moment last week I was thinking that break-up would be a solution but as I started talking about it with her, I was shifting, feeling that she's still that wonderful girl. Nevertheless it was enough to trigger her hidden feelings of doubt.

 

First I was angry that she made everything so complicated that it made me doubt it all. Now feel relieved at some level and probably she will feel the same, maybe even more as she doesn't feel anymore like she's not good enough because I was getting unhappy because of the intimacy that was getting lost between us.

 

I'm afraid it's only a temporary relief and it will soon make place for grief and a big sorry feeling. I feel like I have to fix it before it happens, but then I think: why should I do the first step?

 

I think, I'm willing to take the risk but I'm not sure if there is a good way. Certainly not simply talking her back into it. On google I read that to get back together it is best that the person who got 'dumped' tries to reconnect after a month of completely ignoring the other person. We didn't really dump each another, it just got too complicated.

 

I'm looking for a good way to improve the situation for both of us?

 

Now we leave each other alone, to avoid complicating stuff, if there ever has to grow anything emotionally again between is, that's the best while finding a path that could fill our hearts with beautiful sparks again or something...

[wilsonx]

My ex-GF and I broke up the first time in february, at that time we were talking on Skype everyday and doing crazy trips we were so much in love. In january I was abroad for a month and we stayed in touch. Suddenly however my ex-GF felt that I was too much for her and she needed 'space'. It was very hard for me since I just came back and hadn't seen her in a while.

 

After a few weeks we both started missing each other and decided to start as friends but before we knew it we were sleeping together again. Until june everything was amazing again. Then suddenly my ex-GF got very irritated quickly and she got mad very fast for small things. She said it was because of insecurity she felt.

 

The end of june was the last time we were intimate and slept together. She didn't say the words that she just wanted to be friends but she felt that all the arguments that were happening between us, she needed time to get used to me again before we could go back to bed together. In July I went on a holiday and she was texting me that she misses me very much and she felt like she was doing her 'best' to make our relationship great and I was pushing her away. In fact maybe I was, but the fact she was not willing to be intimate made me doubt and I couldn't deal with the mixed signals.

 

So eventually last week after more than a month of some kind of friend status we broke up for the second time. She put the blame on me and said that if I wouldn't push her away by doing my thing (going on holidays, focussing on work) when she missed me, we could be intimate again, that I just needed to be patient for an indefinite amount of time.

 

I really don't know what exactly happened and why we got to the point of pushing each other away, and I don't know if there is a way back together or if it's a good idea at all? But I already miss her For now she is leaving me alone.

 

Your ex is a manipulative bitch. If you don't see this yet she is. She is playing push pull with you. She pushes you away then pulls you back in. What you do not understand yet is that when a girl says she needs "space" it means she needs space from you to see someone else. That did not work out so she came back to you and used you as a friends with benefits. To her you and her were just friends that were hooking up so when you brought up relationship type conversations, she would get mad and distance herself because she doesn't have the attraction for you to be in a relationship with you.

 

This relationship ending a second time and the first time has absolutely nothing to do with you. It wasn't your fault at all. Relationships that fail usually fail because of a 50/50 failure. If someone points the 100% of the fault at someone else, its usually the person that is pointing's fault.

[wilsonx]

 

There is a way to heal from this, but both of you need to be willing to take the risk and genuinely be in a relationship.

 

Actually this relationship is now toxic, 2 breakups. She's is emotionally immature. There is no possible way to recover from this and try to make it work.

[pandora_be]

She's is emotionally immature.

 

Hmmm, I read that you find her emotionally immature and someone wrote even manipulative. But how about me? I don't think besides the fact that she wasn't honest with me and herself about actually feeling attracted to me, she did any kind of manipulating?

 

Btw I'm 24 and she's 22.

[pandora_be]

she needs space from you to see someone else.

 

That's true, she often compared me with her (mostly girl)friends, how she never has any 'problems' with them and they never failed to show attention to her because they needed to focus on their work or whatever or felt unhappy because of lack of intimacy. Before or first brake-up I didn't notice it or just swallowed it because I was like blindly in love. Now after one year after the break-up I became more sensitive for this stuff and be more truly approving, when she makes me feel happy not just always because she's there.

 

As I wanted to be more with her now during the holidays after I came back from mine last month, she started with this stuff...

[wilsonx]

Because she's not telling you the truth.

 

#1 truth, you go away for a month, she meets another guy for fear of being alone for a month (yes there are these type of people in the world). She develops feelings for him and then you come back and she tells you she needs space. She wanted to pursue an emotional relationship with him. Don't be naive either and think that what I am telling you is not true. Because it is. It's the same story of what I went through and 5000+ other posters have gone through. Space or wanting to be single = Wanting to try a relationship with someone else. Anyone that says otherwise is a liar.

 

#2 I was stuck in the friends with benefits phase for 3 months after my intial break up the first time. I did everything you did. Guess what happened, the guy she was interested in came to visit and I got left on her birthday. All these things are the same pattern.

 

My relationship was toxic at this point with my ex. Completely toxic. I was so manipulated and lied to though, I did not know which was up and which was down. So I tried again to date her for a year and it was miserable. Guess what she left me again for another guy.

 

Its all the same pattern, you and I aren't the only ones that went through this or are going through this, it happens all over the place. Read the GIGS thread on the breakup and break page

[wilsonx]

Hmmm, I read that you find her emotionally immature and someone wrote even manipulative. But how about me? I don't think besides the fact that she wasn't honest with me and herself about actually feeling attracted to me, she did any kind of manipulating?

 

Btw I'm 24 and she's 22.

 

You are not manipulating at all, you are whats called a caretaker. You put everyone elses needs above your own and this is actually not healthy. Thats why its impossible for you to see through her lies and when you start to, the relationship will come to an end and she will run fast.

 

In life you need to always put your needs and wants first. I should say your individual needs and wants

[pandora_be]

Because she's not telling you the truth.

Space or wanting to be single = Wanting to try a relationship with someone else.

 

I agree, she definitely believes or has to clear her mind not to feel guilty or any of that woman stuff so she's not a bad girl, to be open to meet other guys. She basically told me: "Right now I can't promise you the loyalty you would deserve, but last week before you removed your attention I was absolutely sure". I know at least one which she has a weak for. Besides that in october she is leaving herself for a month for an internship abroad.

 

But I don't understand why she made seem everything look so wonderful and when I invited her to join me on my holidays in july with family she refused and then afterwards told me I had abandoned her and her friends hadn't.

[pandora_be]

In life you need to always put your needs and wants first. I should say your individual needs and wants

 

How about give and take in a relation?

 

I definitely didn't set-up boundaries enough, because the picture in my mind of her was like still "amazing" referring to the first 4/5 months were everything went perfectly well.

[pandora_be]

Read the GIGS thread on the breakup and break page

 

I read it, it's really good!

 

I remember: my ex-GF thinks she can get better for 'some' reason and therefore fails to give me what I need to be happy in the relationship which again made me feel insecure and basically that's were it all ended both the first and second time.

[wilsonx]

I agree, she definitely believes or has to clear her mind not to feel guilty or any of that woman stuff so she's not a bad girl, to be open to meet other guys. She basically told me: "Right now I can't promise you the loyalty you would deserve, but last week before you removed your attention I was absolutely sure". I know at least one which she has a weak for. Besides that in october she is leaving herself for a month for an internship abroad.

 

But I don't understand why she made seem everything look so wonderful and when I invited her to join me on my holidays in july with family she refused and then afterwards told me I had abandoned her and her friends hadn't.

 

This sums up everything, she has abandonment issues. Probably from her father not being in her life. What you need to understand now is that there is absolutely no way to have a HEALTHY relationship with this girl. It's impossible. No guy is ever going to have a healthy relationship with this girl. Its the way it is. You need to go No Contact, no communication from you to her whatsoever and move forward with your own life. You will find someone better then her, trust me its not hard at all. Anything is a step up from her

[Chi townD]

Wilson hit the nail on the head...lets piece it together.

 

You wrote...

 

She needs space= pushing you away to see another guy.

 

Fights with you at the drop of the hat= starting fights with you to feel less guilty about cheating on you. She's justified on cheating because you're being a jerk. Funny thing is, they usually start the fights.

 

Not being intimate with you= because they been getting intimate with someone else.

 

friends with benefits= stringing you along till she finds someone else.

 

Drop her like a bad habit dude.....

[pandora_be]

Drop her like a bad habit dude.....

 

Thank you all, you have been more than supportive.

 

GIGS or other guy or not, I guess if she would truly be attracted to or loved me as a person, none of this would have happened.

 

Anyway it's good to know that there's no blame one me and that I'm a good person, at least to others. Now I can start to be a good person for myself. However the sweet memories that we have are now very painful.

[Chi townD]

There ya go! Think positive! Whatever her reasons are, she's the one that's missing out. And you have to remind yourself of that!

[pandora_be]

... another guy.

 

...someone else.

 

Does not matter if it is because someone else or not, fact remains she prefers not to be with me right now (that is what's hurting) and breaks up because I'm expressing my desire to be with her not just as friends or building up more slowly (like starting over again and again for no reason besides that we didn't see each other for 2 weeks or whatever) so she can clear her mind (now she isn't the bad girl anymore but the free girl).

[pandora_be]

Probably from her father not being in her life.

 

Actually she has trouble with her mother. Basically I didn't see them hug or kiss ever unless there was a formal reason to and they only talk about facts or gossip about neighbours.

 

Above that I was her first boyfriend which she slept with. Actually I probably was the first guy she ever dated. At the time we met she was 20, so no experience with boys during her teenage years. Many of her friends seconded that. She's from a small town were everybody knows everybody and notices everything.

 

Only hanging out with the girls, reading books or watching television. But I thought, okay, there's probably a lot of those types; I know many guys who have no experience until their early 20 because the're hanging out, gaming with their friends or simply keeping the WikiPedia up to date. Quite spoiled and immature mentality. I've been their 2, until I started to feel a more balanced person with some special girl in my life (not just only because of the physical connection).

[Chi townD]

Does not matter if it is because someone else or not, fact remains she prefers not to be with me right now (that is what's hurting) and breaks up because I'm expressing my desire to be with her not just as friends or building up more slowly (like starting over again and again for no reason besides that we didn't see each other for 2 weeks or whatever) so she can clear her mind (now she isn't the bad girl anymore but the free girl).

 

 

Actually, it does matter. No one deserves to be treated like that. It's cruel and selfish.

 

Look, I know you're hurting right now, BELIEVE ME. I've been down that road before. Time will heal this, time does heal wounds. But, sometimes, scars remain to remind us where we've been and where we're going. Also, what to look out for so we don't repeat it again. You need to go NC and start to heal. The first month is brutal. You'll keep on going over things in your head. But, if you stay NC, one day you'll wake up and she won't be the first thing you think about. Then, you'll know you've started to heal.

[pandora_be]

Actually, it does matter. No one deserves to be treated like that. It's cruel and selfish.

 

It's true, one of my other previous exes which I'v been with for 3 years just simply told me: "Look I'm in love with another guy, I kissed him and it was amazing and I want to sleep with him, so you and me can't be together anymore". It was very hard to swallow but I could start processing right away no false hoping that there would be any way back together.

 

Now my ex (the GIGS one) sent me a mail one day after breaking up last week:

 

"I can understand that it may seem unreal and that you need time to realize it. Some things simple seem unreal. But I think this is the best for both of us. A lot has happened between us. I cried so much in the passed few weeks en I suppose that it wasn't easy for you either. We just deserve better. There is no point in keep trying to save our relation... There is still a spark and it will always be there, letting it fade out completely would make breaking-up only more painful. Only time can show if this break-up is a good decision, but now we have to go each our own way and chase our dreams.

 

You can do ... I will focus on ... blabla ...

 

Like I said yesterday that doesn't mean I want you to dissapear our of my life forever. Let's do each our thing and if we want to talk one day, then that's perfectly fine with me.

 

Yesterday was a nice day, I'm glad we talked and maybe it was a beautiful and quick goodbye. It's not a goodbye forever to me but a see you again! Maybe not next week or next month, but maybe in november, maybe not - we shall see, I don't want to force anything."

[pandora_be]

Actually, it does matter. No one deserves to be treated like that. It's cruel and selfish.

 

Look, I know you're hurting right now, BELIEVE ME. I've been down that road before. Time will heal this, time does heal wounds. But, sometimes, scars remain to remind us where we've been and where we're going. Also, what to look out for so we don't repeat it again. You need to go NC and start to heal. The first month is brutal. You'll keep on going over things in your head. But, if you stay NC, one day you'll wake up and she won't be the first thing you think about. Then, you'll know you've started to heal.

 

You're all right dudes, I found out my ex has been having a hidden crush for a guy which she's interested even BEFORE SHE KNEW ME in but doesn't really know him because he's really shy. Because I am so decisive and not hesitant to show love and try to make an emotional connection she followed me, but like you all say, as soon as she start noticing things that she doesn't really like when the first crush is over - she deliberately starts to bitch me and (sub)countiously does things that I don't like and make me angry or something so she has an excuse to break-up. Now she's going out often to places where that guy is hanging around (she and her friends group are working on some hobby project for a big event). It's like a was an appetizer and she sucked happiness out of me. I picked up she is know planning to make her move with him and for her internship abroad she's hoping for a hot Czech... How's that for that nice girl I've been knowing

 

One question tough, what is with girls that are really nice as long as you play along their wishes but as soon as you want something back that they don't want to give you, they kill you by starting to dream about other guy and eventually dumping you and then spreading their legs for that other guy. I always learned that to be attractive you should invite the girl into your own world and she should find it amazing or you should leave her before she starts to turn tables... I'm starting to believe that. She didn't believe in my story anymore so I should've shut the door as soon as I noticed?