My story

[LelouchIsZero]

Around 4 months ago my year long relationship ended.

 

She was the first person I had ever been 'in love' with, though note - I'm currently 18 years of age, she was 17.

 

Our relationship was long distance, but around every second month we would see each other for a bit less then a months worth of time.

 

We had previously dated for around 6 months, but we broke up & hadn't talked for around 2 years. When we first started talking again, she was dating someone else, though their relationship was having problems & she vented them to me. The guy she was with had cheated on her twice, though I still gave her unbiased info, even though I deeply desired the idea of being with her again.

 

I dislike the type of guys/girls whom attempt to 'get' with someone who is already in a relationship, though I ignored my morals because of our past together & the mistakes her boyfriend had made. This eventually led to 'emotional cheating' & somewhat physical (I regret doing this). The relationship with said guy ended after a while & we began dating around a month later.

 

At the start she was a bit clingy, she always told me that I was too good for her & that I treated her 'like a princess'. She wanted to start the physical side of the relationship quickly, though I didn't as I didn't want to rush things & I wanted more then just someone to have sex with, I wanted someone who I could just experience everything with, someone who I could have deep meaningful talks to & grow with. Also, just to point out, I did want an intimate relationship with this person, its not that it didn't interest me as she was very attractive, but it wasn't as important as the other things & at the time, I wanted to lose my virg to someone that I truly loved.

 

After while I began to feel like the grass could be greener elsewhere, but decided against it as I knew it was stupid thinking like that. There is always the possibility that things are going to be better with someone else, but I wanted to make it work with her.

 

At around the 2nd month I had decided that I was now fine with losing 'it' to her. I ended up booking a hotel & put candles all around the room, rose petals on the floor, glow in the dark stars on the roof and etc - you know, the usual cliche things. I'm quite a terrible cook so I decided i'd just quickly run down & grab her favourite meal from this store that was close by, I also made fondue. I'm sure you can imagine how the rest of the night unfolded & of course, I was a bit crappy my first time round' haha.

 

I was always a bit insecure during the relationship, I just felt that if she could do that to her ex then she'd have no problem doing the same thing back to me. One time 1 of her exs & his friend stayed at her house, which was a bit hard for me to deal with. I don't think anything happened between the two of them that night but nonetheless, it was very nerve racking & made me a bit more anxious about things.

 

Most of her friends had randomly stopped talking to her, I don't think it had anything to do with me but she barely had any friends which made her a bit depressed & upset about things. She said that she was a bit lonely & asked if I could start spending more time with her. I agreed to it, which led to me talking to her more so & doing my hobbies less. Life was crappy for her at the time, besides the fact that she didn't have many friends so I wanted to keep her company as I hated the idea of her being upset.

 

She eventually started doing an old hobby, pixel art. From there she found a forum where she met people that she really liked/got along with. She began paying a lot of attention to said forum & hobby which made me feel a bit out of place as I still hadn't really adapted, but I was still happy because she was.

 

I finished my final year of school & decided I wanted to have a bit of a break from school-related things for a while + she suggested that I should move closer to her. I liked the idea.

 

A bit later on, she changed her mind about me moving & it screwed up all of my plans, I didn't go TAFE (I'm Australian, I think it'd be the same thing as college in America) as I had planned things to do where she lived. It put me in a tough spot as most of my friends had college/Uni, 1 of my best friends was travelling & my parents had recently divorced. I became a bit dependent on her for a while which led to her saying that she needed some space from me.

 

She had became a bit distant, though I didn't think too much of it as I thought if something was wrong, she'd tell me about it.

 

As I was getting a bit stressed, I decided to go away on a 3 day trip with my aunt & uncle, of which while I was gone she had begun to get closer to this other guy (I didn't know at the time). She had only known this guy for a few months (he was someone on her forum).

 

I realised we were having problems, but seemingly out of no where she told me that she thinks she needs to 'go and learn more about herself', though she said that she still loved me & would continue to wear the necklace that I bought for her, even though we weren't together. It was a bit upsetting but I suggested that we should just go on a break instead, which she kinda agreed to.

 

I went to see her so we could talk about things face to face, but she said that 'she couldn't do it anymore'. I was over her crap & to an extent was relieved that she decided to end it. Her brother went and had a talk with her though, and he said said 'If you still love him then you can't do this'.

She changed her mind about things, which to me made me feel as if she actually wanted to work on things & take us more seriously.

 

The day after, my brother died. I had to fly back home so we didn't really get to work things out. Three days after, she broke up with me. She said that she was no longer 'inlove with me, in a romantic sense' & then a few days after that had already begun doing things with the other guy. He apparently 'backed away' from her after a while, so they're 'apparently' not in a relationship.

 

Even though she put me through so much, I can't help but miss her at times. Its depressing knowing that she just gave up on us without even trying to make things work. Its made the idea of being in a relationship no longer appeal to me, though not because I'm scared of getting hurt again, but I'm scared of hurting someone else. I don't want to get into a relationship with someone & not be able to give my all. I know I was a bit of a crappy boyfriend at times, I was a bit too immature & obsessive but everyone makes mistakes. I 'loved' her, regardless of the flaws she possessed.

 

She wasn't there for me when I was struggling, even though I was always there for her. I don't think she deserves to have me back, nor am I sure if I want her back, but its still rather draining. I've managed to keep NC for around 3 months, though i doubt she'll contact me anyway as once the relationship was over I made all the usual mistakes.

 

Sometimes I feel like things are going to get better, but then I eventually fall back into a slump. I know I've improved greatly since the beginning so I guess its feasible that i'll continue to improve & be better after some time.

 

I'm not too sure why I made this thread, but thanks to all those who've read it.

[dreamingoftigers]

You are absolutely right. 100% correct. She does deserve one iota of a teeny bit of your life.

 

You could go outside and point to any random female and there is a 99.9% chance that they would not dump you 3 days after your brother dies.

 

Do not become involved with a Damsel in Distress. You will only end up with a Distressed Damsel.

[LelouchIsZero]

Yeah I know, I regret getting involved with her whilst she was with someone else. I felt bad for the other guy & it was wrong of me to do so.

 

As it was my first long-term relationship, I'm not sure what I should make of things.

I learnt a lot while I was with her (though not necessarily because of her) & I believe I matured immensely. I was most likely a bit over bearing at times & probably needed to take a stronger stand on things, but if anyone can give me their opinion on what I could have done better, that'd be helpful.

[ludovico]

your story resonates with me...

 

we know the girl isn't right for us but we still have a hard time shaking it...

 

my suggestion is to immerse yourself in things you enjoy doing - things that will help you grow as a person - anything to keep your mind active to avoid thinking about her...

 

sometimes just posting helps us vent - i know when i posted my story I was walking around with a huge smile on my face after LOL

 

it will get better - we all have good days and bad days - and theres always people out there that can offer insight and support...

 

i know its hard to believe having a deep, meaningful, committed, longterm relationship is possible, but we have to keep hope alive...

 

otherwise we'll just end up cynical and bitter... and thats never good

[LelouchIsZero]

I guess, haha.

 

Its just that I was a bit too obsessive & immature at times when I shouldn't have been, so perhaps my actions led to her becoming the way she was with me.

 

At the moment i'm lacking things to 'immerse' myself in, though I am definitely trying to find things that interest me .

 

Also, @Dreamingoftigers - If I was to remove the part about my brother, would your opinion of things change?

[Require]

you poor thing!

 

i have gone through something like this before. It gets better after a while, you just need to believe & put effort into your life xxx

[PelicanPete]

Sorry for what you've experienced. As I thought our past relationships seem similar. I can relate to what you're feeling and thinking because we seem to share the same morals on relationships. I wanted my ex to be "the one" as well, and even though at points I thought I could find somebody better, or that I would be better off with others who offered, I chose to stay and try to make the relationship the best it could be despite its problems. It was heartbreaking when she cheated and left me for another guy, and it was equally frustrating since what she said was wrong with our relationship I felt I could fix. I realize now that even if I knew about the problems beforehand and dealt with them, she would still end up leaving me.

 

Like your relationship, both my ex and I were insecure about ourselves. I felt awkward and didn't like the person I was, and she was just extremely insecure and clingy. It definitely caused a lot of problems. Young life crushes young love. I based my self identity around her, so it crushed me when she betrayed me. I became depressed and didn't know who I was anymore.

 

The only way to feel better is to grow away from your relationship with her. Be the person you wanted to be, and still want to be. If you stay the same as you are now, you'll always be sad and you'll always feel like something is missing. This doesn't just apply to your relationship with her, but with your other struggles in life.

 

For me, all the pieces fit together when I started pursuing something I was always interested in but felt I couldn't do. As I got better at it, I started to understand more about myself and the hardships I experienced in life while gaining confidence in myself. On the side, I kept a journal which mostly consisted of me writing out the story of my break up with every word I could think of. Not only did it expand my vocabulary [] but it aided me in seeing things in a different light with each perception a word carries. It forced me to see things beyond my own point of view, and because I was writing it down for myself I had a better understanding of it. It definitely sped up the healing process, and I grew rapidly in those few months.

 

The most important thing is to get thoughts out of your head. If you keep thinking about something, write it down or ask about it on LS. Thought determines action. Keep your thoughts moving, and you'll keep moving. Before you know it, you'll be a long ways away from all of this heartache.

 

If you have any questions just ask

[Dblock10]

hey man, i could have sworn i commented on your story before? about your bro etc

 

either way, i am sorry you are feeling a bit confused and down. but all i can say is its young love... it like happens this way so much its not even funny! but you dont deserve soo much happening like this all at once, its a very tough time for you. i hope you pull through. you seem smart so i'm sure you will do fine.

 

let your brother shine through you in everything you do!

 

girls always come and go. im sad to hear about your brother, i would be more upset about that than anyone else. are you supporting your mum and dad?

 

honestly i think you are having it rough,

 

parents divorced, brother, the ex... it really isnt fair on you. life isnt fair though

 

but im glad you are posting here and even helping others

[wilsonx]

lelouch,

 

I saw you posted in the GIGS forum and you had a lot of quite intelligent responses in there to another member that made me smile and laugh. You are a smart kid but I just skimmed through the bull****.

 

What would you like to know about your posting, I can tell you about yourself and how you were right in feeling anxious about her ex and friend staying with her.

 

I can tell you exactly that this person is someone you do not want to be in a relationship with.

 

These are patterns. I had the same problem with my ex who told me it was just a friend that stayed with her only to later find out she cheated on me and that he was her ex. These types of people do not tell the truth at all.

 

They do not have a lot of friends and if they do they try to manipulate them to keep them in their life like she tried to manipulate you to get you to move closer to her as a friend

 

I do not want to write a bunch of paragraphs about this but like you I ignored the red flags. You knew something wasn't right internally but you chose to ignore them and make assumptions that things would work out. Hopefully this is a learning experience if anything that you will listen to yourself the next time you think something is not right

Edited September 3, 2011 by wilsonx

[LelouchIsZero]

Thanks guys,

 

Not too sure what I'm expecting by posting said story, though I guess it still felt good to get it out of my system.

 

Just so everyone realises, I, by no means would be considered a perfect boyfriend. I too made mistakes & had flaws, though they seem so silly thinking back on them.

 

No matter how many times people tell me that I'm better off without her, I still can't shake the feelings that I have, I still can't help but miss her, even though she didn't offer all that much to me.

 

Pursuing a new interest seems like a good idea, though I'm a bit short on money haha.

I'm also lacking in motivation & I've always been a bit lazy, unless I'm doing something that I'm interested in.

 

The whole concept of a relationship seems so odd now, in comparison to how it was when I was with her. There was a girl I saw the other day who was very pretty, but I'm just not sure how i'd act, if I chose to pursue her. If we ever got into a relationship, I think I might be a bit reluctant in giving myself, as much as I could, though I guess its a bit odd going that deep into thought when I didn't even talk to her haha.

 

I was going to write a longer reply, though I have to go out now, so perhaps I'll finish it later & Dblock, you posted in 1 of my other threads haha.

[Graceful]

Good morning, Lelouch, and I hope that writing here is helping a bit. Is the sun shining where you live today? I hope so.

 

The take-away from your post is that you've been dealing with some of life's toughest knocks, and the breakup is only one of them. What will help you is to look at your life in the "big picture" sense -- as you've experienced some events that many your age have not experienced.

 

You're very young to have lost a sibling, and I offer you sincere condolences. That alone is a lot to take in and process at your age. Your parents must be devastated, as the loss of a child is one of the most traumatic events in life, and of course, causes deep depression.

 

Your parents divorced. You seem to have thrown this into your post like it was just another event -- it was not. It's a big deal and I suggest that there is more to your feelings than meets the eye.

 

Then there's your age, the fact this was your first real GF, the learning experience of even *having* a girlfriend, finding yourself before, during and after the relationship -- against the back drop off all these major life issues.

 

Now, tell me something. Are there many guys who could get through all that without feeling lost and confused? Or sad and wishful that they could make even ONE thing turn out in their favor? Of course not.

 

You're seeing the breakup as the propelling factor, but I'd like to suggest it is not. The breakup, if anything, is just part of the big picture for you in your life. You began to rely on this girl because what you really needed was a true friend to help and support you with all these other major life issues. At the same time, you were learning about romance and wanting to succeed as you were fighting against the tide with this girl.

 

She wasn't there for me when I was struggling, even though I was always there for her. I don't think she deserves to have me back, nor am I sure if I want her back, but its still rather draining. I've managed to keep NC for around 3 months, though i doubt she'll contact me anyway as once the relationship was over I made all the usual mistakes.

 

No matter how many times people tell me that I'm better off without her, I still can't shake the feelings that I have, I still can't help but miss her, even though she didn't offer all that much to me.

This is very well said on your part and these statements are the distillation of your most rational thoughts. You see that she was not able to support you when you needed her -- and perhaps not many girls her age could have. She's young and inexperienced. She could barely manage a relationship, let alone understand a loss like your brother dying, or your parents' divorcing.

 

It's okay and makes sense that you still miss her and have lingering feelings; she was your first true love. That's a big deal. You may never forget her, you see, but that doesn't mean she was meant to be in your life for more than a brief chapter. Just one chapter, albeit an important one.

 

So take heart, sweet thing. You're doing great with NC for 3 months, and you have written your story here and it's well done. Keep going forward and know that you just have been on a very rough road that would be hard for anyone. Be proud of your strength, but allow yourself to be vulnerable as you continue to process all your feelings. I wish you peace in your healing. Take care.

[LelouchIsZero]

Your parents divorced. You seem to have thrown this into your post like it was just another event -- it was not. It's a big deal and I suggest that there is more to your feelings than meets the eye.[/Quote]

 

I wasn't trying to make it seem like my parents divorce was nothing, I was just trying to shorten my story, as I didn't want to make my post longer then it already is/was .

 

You're very young to have lost a sibling, and I offer you sincere condolences. That alone is a lot to take in and process at your age. Your parents must be devastated, as the loss of a child is one of the most traumatic events in life, and of course, causes deep depression.

 

My brother had cerebral palsy & a lot of other things wrong with him. He was only suppose live to be 6, but managed to 'stay around' until he was 16, so I guess in a way I'm seeing it as hes now free from his pain, as he had fits daily & etc. Also, It was actually my second sibling. When I was 8 years old, my sister died a few days after her birth, due to a doctors mistake.

 

You see that she was not able to support you when you needed her -- and perhaps not many girls her age could have. She's young and inexperienced. She could barely manage a relationship, let alone understand a loss like your brother dying, or your parents' divorcing.[/Quote]

 

Perhaps not many girls her age could have, though her not being there was directed at more then my brothers death. If I was having a bad day (bad example, I know), all i'd really get would be something like "aw poor baby", which I understand that some people don't really know how to handle things like that, nor was I expecting her to fix my problem, but she seemed to lack empathy at times & was a bit inconsiderate. Though, she'd always be happy to tell me 'nice' things about how girls "mature faster then guys" & etc, lol.

 

One of the things that made me happier to be with her; was her family. I really liked the feeling I experienced while I was there, which I considered it to be a 2nd home & they considered me to practically be family. Perhaps it attracted me more so to the relationship, due the fact that mine is dysfunctional.

 

I think it might be beneficial for me to go see a psychologist, or something along the lines. It'd be a bonus too, as I want to pursue a career in psychology, so i'd be able to ask said person questions about it haha.

 

@Wilsonx, I don't think I added this in my story, but my ex also seemed to jump from relationship, to relationship. I guess I didn't think too much of it, as the two guys she was with, previous to me had cheated on her twice, each.

 

I'm grateful for your post, Graceful. I was having a rather horrid night, so it was nice to read something like that. Thank you.

Edited September 4, 2011 by LelouchIsZero

[PelicanPete]

If I was having a bad day (bad example, I know), all i'd really get would be something like "aw poor baby", which I understand that some people don't really know how to handle things like that, nor was I expecting her to fix my problem, but she seemed to lack empathy at times & was a bit inconsiderate. Though, she'd always be happy to tell me 'nice' things about how girls "mature faster then guys" & etc, lol.

 

One of the things that made me happier to be with her; was her family. I really liked the feeling I experienced while I was there, which I considered it to be a 2nd home & they considered me to practically be family. Perhaps it attracted me more so to the relationship, due the fact that mine is dysfunctional.

 

I want to pursue a career in psychology

 

The similarities..

 

We seemed to have identical girlfriends. It's not really their fault, they're just teenage girls. I was with my ex when I was ages 15-19. I also wished my ex was more empathetic to me.

 

When I was 16 I got caught in an accident which resulted in my leg being cut open almost ankle to knee. She was there when it happened. While I was hopping on one foot trying to find somewhere to lie down while holding my flesh together with my hands and focusing on not passing out, all she gave me was an "aw you poor thing". The funny part is last I checked shes in school to be a nurse

 

I was also really close to her family. One of the hardest parts of us breaking up was never being able to see them again, since her whole family loved me and I felt so welcome there. I had a lot of family problems growing up so it was always so nice going to her house and everyone being warm and inviting.

 

I know it's hard now, but keep your head up and hold on. Regarding your ex, it's hard now but as time goes on you'll soon realize how much happier you are without her. If you want to look on the positive side, these experiences cause you to learn a lot about yourself. Knowing a lot about yourself is important if you want to be successful as a counselor or a psychologist.

 

I'm not much of a self-help book guy, but a book that really helped me was "Mans Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. It's one of the best books I've ever read, and I feel considering your situation it will really help you. It talks about some of Frankls psychological theories and how he survived nazi concentration camps in WW2.

 

I'm grateful for your post, Graceful. I was having a rather horrid night, so it was nice to read something like that. Thank you.

 

Yeah Grace has a way of making you smile.

[LelouchIsZero]

I looked at some of the threads you made & we seem to be similar in a lot of ways, haha. The thread "Why is it so hard to find a real friend?" is a question that I too, find myself asking.

 

The reason why last night was bad, was due to my friend making out with his girlfriend, pretty much right in front of me. When I was going out with my ex, he told me that it annoys him when people do things like that, so I never really kissed my ex when we were around him. It just made me feel like a third wheel.

 

Have you been in any relationships since then, that have had a family as good as hers?

I really do miss her family & I hope the next person I'm with has a good family too, though its not necessarily going to turn me off said person if they don't, I think.

 

I can't really blame her for anything, as shes still a 'kid', but I know shes going to mature eventually & be able to have a proper relationship with someone else. The idea of that depresses me, as its feasibly possible that the only thing that screwed us up, was timing. I know life isn't fair & that its possible for me to meet someone who's 'better' then her (for me), but its still upsetting.

 

In order to attract the other guy she played the 'victim card'. Once we we're over she said that she was "so out of love with me, would never consider going out with me again" & other things that she knew would hurt me. I then went NC, which on her tumblr I seen that she had posted something about "never wanting to hurt someone like that again". I assumed that it was about me, though as she played the victim a fair bit & her plans hadn't worked out with the other guy, i'm not too sure if she was being genuine with what she said OR if shes trying to get people to feel sorry for her, as she had posted a lot of other attention seeking things too.

 

Perhaps I'll give that book a read. I was about to start 'The Fountainhead', but I keep putting it off.

 

And yes, she does indeed .

Edited September 4, 2011 by LelouchIsZero

[PelicanPete]

I looked at some of the threads you made & we seem to be similar in a lot of ways, haha. The thread "Why is it so hard to find a real friend?" is a question that I too, find myself asking.

 

Another LS member told me the answer to that question which made me realize why it is so hard. Once you get 100 posts I'll PM you it.

 

 

Have you been in any relationships since then, that have had a family as good as hers?

I really do miss her family & I hope the next person I'm with has a good family too, though its not necessarily going to turn me off said person if they don't, I think.

 

No I haven't. My ex broke up with me almost 9 months ago I guess, and I haven't been in a relationship since. There was one girl that caught my eye, but she just reminded me that I'm probably not going to find a mature female at 20 years old anytime soon. I still occasionally miss her family, but they are no longer such a large loss to me because I have grown to accept and be at peace my family. I've lived without them before, I can live without them now.

 

I can't really blame her for anything, as shes still a 'kid', but I know shes going to mature eventually & be able to have a proper relationship with someone else. The idea of that depresses me, as its feasibly possible that the only thing that screwed us up, was timing. I know life isn't fair & that its possible for me to meet someone who's 'better' then her (for me), but its still upsetting.

 

I learned with my ex to never settle for someone. Even though I felt at points I could do better than her, I still fell in love with her because we got together during a very emotionally stressful time in my life. I needed someone to talk to and connect with which heightened my feelings for her. She was eye candy, but she wasn't very sympathetic or helpful or supportive towards my interests. She lacked emotional intelligence, so I could never talk to her about philosophical things since she never really understood or always argued that it was wrong .

 

You gotta find someone that understands you and supports you above else. I know you're already aware of that, it will just take personal growth for you to start believing that and feeling better.

 

 

In order to attract the other guy she played the 'victim card'. Once we we're over she said that she was "so out of love with me, would never consider going out with me again" & other things that she knew would hurt me.

 

Yep, pretty much the same thing for me. My ex was always the victim. She blamed me for her cheating on me after all . She did a lot of hurtful things to me: spreading rumors that I was emotionally and physically abusive to all our mutual friends, telling me about her UTI a couple of days after our break up, saying that our relationship was a joke compared to her new one, harassing me with insults about me and my family, etc.

 

You will never grow as a person if you hold onto the victim mentality. Victims are always victims and never heroes or saviors. The first step towards moving on is accepting everything that happened.

 

Perhaps I'll give that book a read. I was about to start 'The Fountainhead', but I keep putting it off.

 

Hmm, I've never read it but it sounds good. I'll have to give it a try when I find some time

 

You will enjoy the book I recommended though. It's an easy and enjoyable read, I couldn't put it down and read it in about an hour.

[Graceful]

Lelouch.

 

I'm glad that my post was like a little life-preserver last night and that it was there for you at just the right time.

 

You're a smart guy and I believe that you matured during your relationship, but as you said, not because of your ex. You learned quite a bit. You moved beyond some of the typical attractions to a girl and a relationship, to more serious values and recognizing your needs (and in your case, how they really were not being met).

 

I understand that you were trying to condense your post -- but what I was trying to point out -- and what you saw immediately -- was that you've been through quite a few huge life events in a compressed period of time, and you can't underestimate how much weight is on your shoulders dealing with so much more than a breakup, which would be painful enough.

 

My brother had cerebral palsy & a lot of other things wrong with him. He was only suppose live to be 6, but managed to 'stay around' until he was 16, so I guess in a way I'm seeing it as hes now free from his pain, as he had fits daily & etc. Also, It was actually my second sibling. When I was 8 years old, my sister died a few days after her birth, due to a doctors mistake.

Well, this really resonated with me b/c I had a roommate who got her degree as a therapist, who specialized in CP. She had lots of friends who were physical therapists, so I learned a lot from them. My roommate worked at a group home for disabled adults, many of whom had CP and I used to go with her sometimes to visit. What I learned from that experience was to treat everyone the same way, no matter who they were, no matter what they looked like, I walked out of there a different person than I walked in. So anyhow, your brother's life was hard, I have no doubt, but there are people out there who learned a lot from him, this I know, and I'm sure one of those people is you. There's also a memoir, "Knowing Jesse" by Marianne Leone, that someday, you might want to read. It's about a kid with CP who had the seizure disorder that your brother also had -- and died about the same age. I know it would be too much for you to read now, but maybe some day.

If I was having a bad day (bad example, I know), all i'd really get would be something like "aw poor baby", which I understand that some people don't really know how to handle things like that, nor was I expecting her to fix my problem, but she seemed to lack empathy at times & was a bit inconsiderate.

Your ex's lack of empathy may be part of her immaturity, but I wouldn't bank on her becoming a "savior" type later on -- not at all. This is something that doesn't always change, not that it would be your problem, but there are many young kids, lots younger than your ex, who display empathy, compassion and caring tendencies at a very young age, indicating it's a natural predisposition for many people. So I wouldn't give your ex another thought as to what she will or won't be in the future, that's just not predictable.

 

One of the things that made me happier to be with her; was her family. I really liked the feeling I experienced while I was there, which I considered it to be a 2nd home & they considered me to practically be family. Perhaps it attracted me more so to the relationship, due the fact that mine is dysfunctional.

See, this is more insight on your part and very accurate. Balance what was going on in your family, with the stability of her family. Of course that comforted you, and of course you miss that as well.

 

I know you admitted you had faults and were not a perfect BF, but the take away from that is that we all make mistakes, she was your first GF and you need to re-examine the behavior you displayed that you can improve, and take it from there. Why she felt the need to kick you when you were down by hammering home the points she did, that's again, the lack of empathy showing, and perhaps, some anger she had toward herself, turned outward at you.

 

I think it might be beneficial for me to go see a psychologist, or something along the lines. It'd be a bonus too, as I want to pursue a career in psychology, so i'd be able to ask said person questions.

This was actually going to be my final suggestion to you ... but I was glad to see you suggest it first yourself. I *do* think counseling would be very helpful to you, so you could put all your pain out there from all angles. The important thing to remember is that it's never one thing, and sometimes, a breakup can act as a catalyst that helps you see that your issues, pain, sadness, etc., stem from more than just the breakup. It's really important for you to understand how deeply you've been hurt and affected, so that you can heal properly, learn and be stronger.

 

Frankly, I'm very impressed by the strength and sensitivity that you seem to have, so if you have health insurance (through your parents, no doubt), please consider asking about counseling if it's covered, or has a co-pay you can afford (not sure how this is done in OZ).

 

I'm really glad you returned to your thread -- you're getting more feedback and I hope it's helping you. Okay, sweet thing. Now try not to worry, because if you keep NC, you really can't go wrong.

 

PS I read the book P-Pete mentioned, "Man's Search for Meaning" (in fact, I just looked at it in my bookcase) so if you can get hold of it, I think you will find it very inspiring.

[Nohbody]

Man's Search for Meaning is pretty awesome. The girl I was with recommended I read it, and after she dumped me - I did.

[LelouchIsZero]

Another LS member told me the answer to that question which made me realize why it is so hard. Once you get 100 posts I'll PM you it.

 

100 posts seems so far away & the amount I've been posting has slowed down a lot, as I feel like I'm rehashing the same info, though I suppose there isn't too much one could do to deviate it.

 

No I haven't. My ex broke up with me almost 9 months ago I guess, and I haven't been in a relationship since. There was one girl that caught my eye, but she just reminded me that I'm probably not going to find a mature female at 20 years old anytime soon. I still occasionally miss her family, but they are no longer such a large loss to me because I have grown to accept and be at peace my family. I've lived without them before, I can live without them now.

 

Oh ok then, things aren't looking very hopeful for me, for a while, as I'm only 18 . I guess now is definitely the time to start focusing on my life, rather then attempting another relationship, though if the opportunity arises & I actually feel like there could be something there with said person, I won't dismiss the idea

 

I learned with my ex to never settle for someone. Even though I felt at points I could do better than her, I still fell in love with her because we got together during a very emotionally stressful time in my life. I needed someone to talk to and connect with which heightened my feelings for her. She was eye candy, but she wasn't very sympathetic or helpful or supportive towards my interests. She lacked emotional intelligence, so I could never talk to her about philosophical things since she never really understood or always argued that it was wrong .

 

Very similar indeed haha, my ex was also 'eye candy', though I guess this is the price we pay. One of my ex's reasons (which I pretty much had to force out of her, lol my bad) for why we didn't 'work', was because she apparently couldn't have a proper conversation with me, yet having deep & meaningful connection/talks with someone, was one of the main reasons I wanted a relationship . I know I was a bit immature at times, but It was still something I wanted. She never really tried to bring a topic up or seemed to take much of an interest in my life. It also made me laugh when I seen on her profile (after we had broken up) that she had written that she loves history. Unless she had magically gained an appreciation for it a few days after we broke up, my mind is boggled as history is one of my favourite things to discuss, I thoroughly enjoyed my ancient history class, yet I don't think we ever had a conversation about anything in relation to it.

 

You gotta find someone that understands you and supports you above else. I know you're already aware of that, it will just take personal growth for you to start believing that and feeling better.

 

It'd be really nice to find someone like that.

 

 

Yep, pretty much the same thing for me. My ex was always the victim. She blamed me for her cheating on me after all . She did a lot of hurtful things to me: spreading rumors that I was emotionally and physically abusive to all our mutual friends, telling me about her UTI a couple of days after our break up, saying that our relationship was a joke compared to her new one, harassing me with insults about me and my family, etc.

 

You will never grow as a person if you hold onto the victim mentality. Victims are always victims and never heroes or saviors. The first step towards moving on is accepting everything that happened.

 

When my ex began to get closer to the other guy, she had begun to tell white lies, which the obvious reason as to why she was lying, was all my fault of course, lol .

 

Hmm, I've never read it but it sounds good. I'll have to give it a try when I find some time

 

You will enjoy the book I recommended though. It's an easy and enjoyable read, I couldn't put it down and read it in about an hour.

 

I may have possibly obtained said book... and it may have possibly been downloaded... for free... possibly from a torrent site .

[LelouchIsZero]

Thanks for that post, Graceful. Its always nice to read things like that, even though you may possibly be stroking my ego .

 

All the advice given has been really helpful, so thank you to all those who have helped & those who may possibly continue to.

 

Also Nohbody, I may have possibly laughed at your post... & possibly many other that you have posted...

You seem to add a bit of comic relief to the forum, I like it .

 

Edit - I just realised that I use a rather large amount of 'Smilies', my bad!

Edited September 5, 2011 by LelouchIsZero

[LelouchIsZero]

Okay so, randomly updating my thread, though I'm more so doing this because I wanted to get my 100th post here .

 

Recently I've been feeling a bit down, though I've also been having odd spouts of happiness too -- which a good, unwilling participant of an emotional roller coaster should .

 

I've been tempted to look at some of her profiles, though I've managed to keep myself away. If she was to have a new boyfriend, I wonder if I'd find comfort in that -- as if she did, she wouldn't be learning from all the mistakes she makes, meaning she'd generally be the same person for a long time, stunting her personal growth, ya dig?

 

One of my friends, who had only met my ex once had a dream about the two of us. She said that in her dream my ex called me, which I then started to cry & then my friend attempted to comfort me. I'm not a very skeptical person, so the only thing I did was laugh at the whole idea of things, though it was still a rather odd occurrence.

 

I've been moving a bit slowly, but so far I'm up to page 55 of "Man's search for meaning", Pete/Graceful. I keep getting distracted & just don't particularly feel like reading, which is odd, considering half the time I'm not doing anything anyway.

 

In essence, we miss the relationship we were previously in because it made us happy being with said person right? though, isn't it kinda counter productive allowing one's self to be constantly depressed & dwell on the said subject? as in a way, we're going against our deepest desire, which is true happiness.

 

I've been having a lot of those surreal moments, where everything just seems so odd, yet beautiful. Does anyone else get them? like, you just look around at everything & it just seems so peculiar, you wonder how things formed & etc & even the idea of being a 'human' just seems so weird.

Edited September 9, 2011 by LelouchIsZero