Am I to blame for ruining their "friendship"?

[SweetCafe]

Dear LoveShackers,

 

I have been a member since I was 21, and 11 years later, this is my first post.

The forum has forever given me the comfort and/or brain food I need throughout that time, but this time, I do need to scream out and interact and hope all your thoughts and reality checks will kick in.

 

I do hope you manage to read this and let me know you honest thoughts.

 

Last year, at a busy and loud event, a (female) acquaintance introduced me very quickly to a couple of her male friends, asked them to look out for me, and ran off to dance. I realised that I recognised one of them from another event the week before, and that we had exchanged looks and a smile then.

 

My instincts for him were instant - I felt like he was family, a long-lost friend. You know the feeling Loveshackers? Yes, he was cute and I was attracted but also felt so very familiar and comfortable. He took my number and for the past 12 months, he has called me almost every day. It is not completely platonic, and I knew from the beginning that it was not exclusive and that he was not looking for a commitment. I was fine with that as I was at a stage of transitioning myself. My rule was: Do what you want but don't let me notice.

 

I met up with my female acquintance a week after he and I had started talking, and she asked me quite deliberately if I had been on any dates recently. I said "Nope" because I truly hadn't by then. She persisted "Are you suuuure? Nothing at all?" and I again said "No".

I did sense that she was digging for something, but I dismissed that. If she wanted to ask if I had seen her male friend, she could ask me directly.

 

I mentioned this to him, and he said "It's just the way she is - she's a bit nosey. She knows I took your number the other day" I asked how they knew each other anyhow and he said "We used to work together, me, her and the other guy you saw with us the other day."

 

Fair enough. I left it there.

I actually shyed away from her for a few months, and during that time, he and I continued with our "friends with very occasional benefits" dynamic.

 

However, I totally love the person that he is or perhaps could be in future, and I don't think I could be blamed for thinking I was somewhat a special friend, on a different level from his random "liaisons" as you would too if a person calls you every day for hours, talks about their work, makes you laugh, makes sure there is a good night call, cares about your well-being, climbs over walls and balconies to come and see if you're alive just because you'd been ill and hadn't replied to calls for 3 days, takes hours talking over whatever general work/life concerns you etc...

 

AND THEN! At some point, the female acquaintance mention came up again, and he said "She's actually my best friend". I was royally shocked as he had NEVER mentioned her at all, never once said he'd met up with her or spoken to her. I asked if in that case, he had mentioned to her, that he now speaks to me etc, and he said "No. I am too private and she is too nosey. I don't speak to her about these things. She's never liked it, and thinks I should be telling her everything, but that's how I am. There is only one male friend I discuss private matters with. You can tell her that we talk and that we're friends, but you don't need to tell her that we are intimate, and you don't need to tell your friend X either as I do meet him in my social circles".

Me: I don't see why you'd be so secretive with a best friend. Do you and her have anything going on, or did in the past?"

Him: Nope. Nothing like that. She is just complicated and touchy about things.

 

It never sat well with me. The next time she reached out to me for some professional advice, I met her and she mentioned his name, and I could tell she was totally oblivious to the fact that I knew him. So I told her honestly "Babe, I do know him - we've been speaking since the day you introduced us. I am not comfortable with him not having told you, and the reason I am saying this, is because I feel there is something I should know. If you two have something more than friendship, please tell me, and I will withdraw"

 

Her: Noooooo. We have been best friends for 5 years, we talk almost every day. At the beginning, him and the other guy were always at mine, then it was just him. We travel together in a group. I care about him a lot. I do have issues wit his secrecy, and we always argue about it. This isn't about you and you're not the problem - it's him and his secrecy that I do not appreciate - especially that I introduced you guys. He always lies to me about where he has been and I am sick of it. This is not how best friends treat each other."

 

She then confronted him about me, saying that this was the last straw, and apparently, his response was "you were only acquintances then anyway! I don't talk to her all the time! No! I haven't slept with her."

 

"Hmmmm. Hmmmm" - I say to myself. "Now now. Why lie to your best friend about these things? What has she got on you?"

 

Mind you - neither of them mentioned this to me. She did - and only months later when I asked her if this topic has been broached.

 

Since then, I understand from both of them that they have been arguing non-stop. He has clocked on to the fact that she and I are now closer and that we do talk about him and reaching conclusions that are not always flattering.

I decided that I would step away. She wouldn't have any of it "Nooo, I am fed up with him. But I want to know that there is someone like you who will be there for him. Please don't give up on him"

Hmmm...

 

He and I spoke about the fact that this was uncomfortable. He has therefore decided that he is staying away from both of us.

His logic "You and her are good friends. I don't want to ruin it. I have realised that I cannot be close friends with a female and not have it complicate my life..so I need to change my dynamic with both of you".

He even said to me "I do not want to see both of you together in the same space"

 

I feel so bad for perhaps being the reason for ruining their friendship. I also feel bad that I am a casualty of whatever it is they have - and it's unfair.

 

They both still insist they have always been platonic.

I ain't buying it. I ain't buying his reasons for not telling her about me. I ain't buying why he now feels so cornered that he needs to escape. I don't understand why she is sooooooo upset with him for not telling her.

 

Is this as obvious as it looks guys or something else like female friend being possessive?

[skywriter]

Oh yes Miss "Wise" SweetCafe, it is extremely obvious. From reading your post, your two, so called friends are holding back on some info' that you should have been privy to.

 

I say, pull back from the both of them. It sounds a bit manipulative.

 

The ole', "Do what you want but don't let me notice". eeeek!

 

It doesn't work well in the end. It's a recipe for hurt and disappointment.

[SweetCafe]

Isn't it amazing skywriter, how no matter how old and experienced we are, we still need others to remind us that our instincts are experience in disguise.

Thank you for replying darling, and for validating what I needed to hear.

[ja123]

You two ladies (platonic or not) are a part of his harem. The secrecy is manipulative and creats self-doubt. It isn't worth it. Completely distance yourself from these two socially (100%) and find another FWB or maybe BF. If they ask you why you aren't available to talk or go out, just say you've started seeing someone, any other details about the new guy you're keeping for you right now (in other words it's none of their business). I wouldn't even bother trying to find out the why's and how's with these people - playing games seem to be their MO. Steer clear.

[crazylove]

Hi Sweetcafe, and a belated welcome! ha!

It sounds like this guy wants to keep you both around as 'options'.

Not a nice position for you to be in and eventually just leads to insecurity and a lack of trust.

It's not fair on you to continue with this relationship, it's only gonna lead to hurt.

I'd back off and withdraw from hanging out with both of them. Too much unecessary stress.

[cavedweller]

SweetCafe,

 

You are right--He is sleeping with her also.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

You are absolutely NOT to blame...so many of us have such serious mental health issues that we blame everybody else for all that is wrong in our lives...the strong among us don't allow this to happen and we will NEVER hear them blame somebody else for their own choices...as far as I can tell, you have been honest unless looking after somebody else's lie...stay honest...love, light and joy to you...