torn apart

[missimpatient]

hi-

 

I would appreciate some help with my problem and opinions. I have an EXREMELY difficult time NOT looking into/reading into things when I am involved with someone.

 

I am very honest and in return I hate games. I've been seeing someone for about a year and he feels (and says) he is a loser in the love department (failed marriages) so he is cautious (at MY expense). I try to be understanding-but let me know your opinions on what happened that didn't seem to bother him but made me want to leave him.

 

The other day he and his kids were sitting and talking and the 12 year old said aloud that I should start using his last name. It had to do with putting my name on some items and they said 'you should put Mary Anderson not Mary Smith!'

 

He poked them and they said "what??"

 

That made me feel SO accepted by the child but then he NUDGED them/poked them and it broke my heart!!

 

For the sake of the kid and MY humiliation I just went around it and said 'oh I think I'll put a work name on it but thank you'. I was HUMILIATED by his poke.

 

I called him on it later and he said I put my feelers out there to get stepped on. I said don't lie on this. This is like when somebody starts to say something you don't want repeated and you give them "the look" or butt in because they shouldn't say anything.

 

This BOTHERED me beyond belief. How I wish he had said something to the kid like (example) "well-maybe someday" or "well-that's her name right now" anything but a nudge or a poke.

 

Does this mean he isn't looking for a future?????????

[Julie McCoy]

It's hard for an outsider with minimal information to make a reasonable interpretation of his actions. But you say that he's wary about love, having more than one failed marriage. And it sounds like he knows that you would like to be in a relationship that's headed toward marriage.

 

I think that rather than trying to figure out what he wants, you should just figure out what you want. If you want to be married in the next two years, you need to be up front with him about that. You guys have been together for a year; it's not as if you'd be sprining something unreasonable on him. Be clear about what you want, with the understanding that it might well not be what he wants.

 

I think one of the biggest mistakes people often make, especially women it seems, is to "bide their time," knowing that their partner doesn't want what they want at the moment, but hoping that sooner or later their partner will come to realize that they do want it after all. I've done that in the past. I'll bet most people have in one way or another. Because it would be really nice if it worked out, wouldn't it? And what's wrong with a little patience? You know he's got reason to be wary, why not cut him some extra slack? The thing is, how do you know when it's too much? That's what's wrong: it's got to come from you.

 

So figure out a time-plan for yourself based on what you want not what you think he is likely to do. Maybe you can sit tight for six months longer and see what happens (or maybe only 3 months -- but don't make it more than a year). When that time is up, if he hasn't popped the question, you bring it up, "you know I want to get married and have a child of my own. I need to know whether that's something you want too." And if it isn't what he wants you'll have to accept that. Don't try to change his mind. Don't go back to him, pretending like the conversation never happened.

 

You deserve to have a family and husband if that's what you want. But you cannot force him to join you in that, and no matter how long you wait you'll have no right to expect it of him. So don't wait if you know already that he doesn't want to get married. You can't change him -- it's impossible, and you don't have that right anyway. Figure out what you want, and then pursue it. With him or without him.