What do I do next?.....

[Zoolandermat]

Hi everyone, hope you can give me some advice, here's the situation:

Sorry if it's a bit long winded but I want to try and include all the details....

 

I have been dating a girl for the last five months, I am 31 and she is 24, we have worked in the same place for two years (although rarely see each other in work) and have always been very flirty. When we first met she had a boyfriend and I had just come out of a long term relationship. At the end of March this year it was my birthday and she asked if I was going out for it and asked for my number. She text on the night to see if I wanted her to buy me a drink. I asked her out a few days later and things were going exceptionally well becoming bf/gf within two weeks. We had such a connection I have never come across before and became inseparable almost immediately (which is not like me at all).

 

I am normally very secure and confident and I must admit I was so happy to have met this amazing person who I thought felt the same. We didn't chat about past relationships as neither of us wanted to, albeit I did see lots of her pictures on Facebook with this guy who I assumed to be her ex.

One of our work colleagues had mentioned that he had broken up with her and that he was a bit of an idiot and that they had been broken up for a while so I figured that she had always liked me, had moved on and was ready for something serious which is exactly what I wanted.

 

The issues started when I saw her ex had sent her a text after about two months of us being together. I only knew it was him as he has a distinctive nickname and I just saw it in passing. It made me think though - why is she in touch with him? A week or so after that we were just sitting in the car after having a really nice day together when she told me that she was meeting up with her ex the following day as they had ''things to sort out''. She asked me if I was ok with it. I didn't really have any choice but to say yes as i'm not the sort of person to stop a partner from doing something. It came across like I was being told - this is the situation, like it or lump it. I felt like I had been forced to accept it. It was particularly upsetting because the night they were planning to meet we would have had a free house together (which happens very rarely due to housemates) so I suggested we met after she had seen him to which she declined.

 

After their meeting up I was kind of expecting her to want to chat about it but nothing was mentioned. A week or so later I saw her texting him again so I asked why they were still in touch given that I thought they ended on bad terms. I asked to know a bit about their history and she basically told me the opposite of what my friend had said. He had broken up with her after a five year relationship and she had pursued me only three weeks later. She said that things were amicable as he had his reasons for the break up and that there were issues that they needed to discuss together. She also said things had not been right in their relationship for a while due to an issue that she would not disclose.

 

After these revelations I became quite insecure about things and just wasn't sure what to do. A friend suggested checking her texts to put my mind at ease. Initially I couldn't do it, it's not something I would normally ever do but one morning while she was in the shower I thought I would check one or two just to put my mind at rest that nothing untoward was going on. So I did and found a number of texts with nothing sexual but messages a long the lines of ''i'm looking forward to see you'' and even one from girlfriend suggesting they go to the cinema together - to which he replied, ''I think that might be inappropriate''. I felt sick, not only because of what I found but because I went against my own ethics to look at the phone.

 

I spent the next few days on my own trying to work out what to do. I told her I needed some space and I didn't reply to calls, messages etc for two days. We then met up a day after that as she didn't know what was going on. I told her what I had done and the reasons why. She said that she was falling in love with me and that there was nothing untoward going on with him. She said she was upset that I had looked at her phone but I had read into the messages wrongly and that this sort of thing is always interpreted in the wrong way. I said that I didn't want to lose her but I don't want to be strung along. Things were never really resolved, I felt like I apologized for the breach of trust with the phone but everything was swept under the carpet with her and her ex.

 

I said that I would try and accept the situation and try not to let it get to me. Over the next few weeks we spent a lot of time together and have both said 'I love you' which I genuinely mean. I have only ever been in love once before and it took me a while to say it. I shocked myself to have these feelings for her so soon into our relationship. I felt like we have gone from strength to strength, spending time with each others friends and families, spending most nights together and we have such an amazing connection when we are intimate with each other. I was sooooo happy.

 

I then saw his name flash up again on her phone as we were heading to work. I was silent on the journey as I didn't know what to say, she said that we need to talk about it which I said I wanted to do but I needed to think things through first. She said that we might as well split up if i'm not going to speak to her which I thought was very unfair as my way of dealing with things is to think rationally, clear my head then go back to the situation and discuss things with reason and thought rather than in the heat of the moment. I felt again like it was her way or the highway.

 

That evening I got her to sit down and listen telling her that this situation is making me so sad and that I wanted to know the extent of her feelings for him. She said she worries about him as he doesn't have a close circle of friends to which I replied - he's not your responsibility anymore. I said I was angry that she is prepared to put his feelings before mine and that I cannot understand why she wants to remain friends with him after he hurt her.

 

She told me that he has told her that he wants her back but he will take a step back if that is what she wants.

 

She told me the reason that they broke up is that she was sexually assaulted one night while out with her girlfriends and he could never forgive himself that he was not there to protect her. Things went downhill for them from that point. I kind of left the chat there as I knew I needed to be there for her and comfort her. I do appreciate it takes a lot of trust to share something of that magnitude with me. The following day I said once again I would try to think positive, forget about her ex and just try to get on with things.

 

Then on Friday just before we were going to bed (we were going away for her cousins wedding on the weekend) I saw his name flash up on her phone again. She glimpsed at the message, slid the phone into her pocket and left the room. On her return I was silent, I genuinely didn't know what to say. She obviously realized what had happened and asked if I wanted to talk about things. I said that I have tried so hard to be ok with the situation but it is just eating me up. I haven't slept properly for weeks, I can't eat most of the time. With her I am either super happy or very sad. It is just not me at all and I need to resolve the situation.

 

It am sure that her love for me is 100% genuine but I feel that the emotional commitment is being shared 50/50 with her ex. I don't want to give her ultimatums but then I cannot cope with this situation for any longer.

I am not prepared to be miserable while she flits back and for, it is not me and it is not fair on me or her ex.

 

I would really appreciate any advice at all, I just need to know what to do next....

[Chi townD]

Sucks, but you're the rebound guy. This isn't being fair to you. Well, you need to sit her down and have "the talk" before you get anymore emotionally invested into her.

 

Sink or swim, time to pull the band-aid off. You need to tell her that you are having a hard time with this because you know they have a past together. It upsets you that she's taking his texts and phonecalls. You don't deserve to be second best or the consolation prize. It's either him or you and she needs to decide. If she can't have her Ex out of her life, then fine. You understand and you can't make her give anyone up. But, don't expect you to be around. You need to tell her that this relationship is too crowded and you can't do it anymore. It's hurting you too much. If she chooses not to stop talking to her Ex, or she tries to convince you that they are only friends and nothing more......well, you know where you stand.....you got your answer.

[robdrm32]

Reread your post. You will find all the answers you need.

 

Why do you not want to give her an ultimatum? Because you are afraid to lose her.

 

I've been there it sucks but all you have to do now is tell her to cut off communication with him or you walk.

 

and you have to be prepared to do it. and if you find out in the future she is still contacting him you walk, no ifs ands or buts.

 

It's not easy but she already has crossed some lines. When she asked to meet up with him you should have said no, or asked to go along.

 

It's not about "telling her what to do" its about saying "You do what you want, but if you do x,y,z I am out of here"

 

Seeing/talking to her ex should be one of those things.

[vsmini]

Reread your post. You will find all the answers you need.

 

Why do you not want to give her an ultimatum? Because you are afraid to lose her.

 

I've been there it sucks but all you have to do now is tell her to cut off communication with him or you walk.

 

and you have to be prepared to do it. and if you find out in the future she is still contacting him you walk, no ifs ands or buts.

 

It's not easy but she already has crossed some lines. When she asked to meet up with him you should have said no, or asked to go along.

 

It's not about "telling her what to do" its about saying "You do what you want, but if you do x,y,z I am out of here"

 

Seeing/talking to her ex should be one of those things.

 

I completely agree - no way would I be involved with someone that continues to talk to their ex...especially when the drama of him wanting her back is involved. She's young - she's 24 and she's acting like it.

 

Tell her that communication with him needs to stop or you will walk. I can't believe she has the nerve be with you in bed and then get a call from him and take the call in another room. That's disrespectful, immature and shows you how much of a priority she is making your relationship out to be.

[Zoolandermat]

Thank you all for your advice,

 

I went over to see her last night and told her that I will only be in this relationship if I have 100% commitment from her.

 

I told her that she needs to make a decision about her ex and I and that I wont stay in the relationship if she continues to stay in contact with him.

 

She kept apologizing for hurting me and said that her feelings for me are real.

 

I told her not to contact me until she makes a decision.

 

Will let you know what happens....

[John Michael Kane]

Tie it off with her completely. Don't let her continue to treat you like trash because she wants to fool around with her ex.

[jnj express]

If you are bound and determined to stay with her---she needs to send him a NC--E-Mail, with you, watching it go-----she also needs to know , that if he tries to contact her, she is to let you know about it immediately, and not to try and hide it, and she is to NOT ANSWER IT, NO MATTER WHAT

 

You need to have some boundaries and consequences set up with her, as to her phone---and the consequences, had better be actionable, and not just talk.

[Zoolandermat]

So after telling her the night before last that she had to make a decision to either commit 100% to me or I am walking, she text me yesterday with:

 

''How are you feeling today?'' to which I replied, ''I'm ok thanks, decided not to go into work though''.

 

She then sent, ''Glad you're feeling ok, do you have plans for today? Would you rather I left you alone for a while? X'' to which I replied, ''I would rather not see you until you have made your decision''.

 

She then replied with, ''I know I want to be with you. I just have to sort myself out. X''. I replied with, ''Well when you have sorted yourself out, we'll talk''.

 

I then got, ''I love you. Take care xx''.

 

I initially wasn't going to reply but then a few hours later I decided to send, ''I love you too x''.

 

This was yesterday morning and I haven't heard anything since, I am really wanting to text or call her but I know I shouldn't.

 

Is there anything else I can do now?

[vsmini]

So after telling her the night before last that she had to make a decision to either commit 100% to me or I am walking, she text me yesterday with:

 

''How are you feeling today?'' to which I replied, ''I'm ok thanks, decided not to go into work though''.

 

She then sent, ''Glad you're feeling ok, do you have plans for today? Would you rather I left you alone for a while? X'' to which I replied, ''I would rather not see you until you have made your decision''.

 

She then replied with, ''I know I want to be with you. I just have to sort myself out. X''. I replied with, ''Well when you have sorted yourself out, we'll talk''.

 

I then got, ''I love you. Take care xx''.

 

I initially wasn't going to reply but then a few hours later I decided to send, ''I love you too x''.

 

This was yesterday morning and I haven't heard anything since, I am really wanting to text or call her but I know I shouldn't.

 

Is there anything else I can do now?

 

No - and no more "I love you" text messages. You sent her one - she knows it. Let herself get sorted out. Keeping contact will only make it worse for the both of you.

[Chi townD]

So after telling her the night before last that she had to make a decision to either commit 100% to me or I am walking, she text me yesterday with:

 

''How are you feeling today?'' to which I replied, ''I'm ok thanks, decided not to go into work though''.

 

She then sent, ''Glad you're feeling ok, do you have plans for today? Would you rather I left you alone for a while? X'' to which I replied, ''I would rather not see you until you have made your decision''.

 

She then replied with, ''I know I want to be with you. I just have to sort myself out. X''. I replied with, ''Well when you have sorted yourself out, we'll talk''.

 

I then got, ''I love you. Take care xx''.

 

I initially wasn't going to reply but then a few hours later I decided to send, ''I love you too x''.

 

This was yesterday morning and I haven't heard anything since, I am really wanting to text or call her but I know I shouldn't.

 

Is there anything else I can do now?

 

Yeah, there's more that you can do now. Move on. If she can't give you an answer, then you have yours. I hate this crap with the excuses of " sort myself out" or "I need to find myself." or " I need to be single right now."

 

Yeah, you told her that it was either you or him. She hasn't given you an answer. Makes me think that she went to him and said, " Look, either we get back together or I'm moving on with this guy." So, SHE might be waiting for an answer.

 

I mean, if I was head over heels in love with a girl and she said that she has problems with me talking to an Ex. The answer would be simple." I'm sorry that hurt you. If you need me to stop talking to her, then I'll do so. Because, I love you and I see us together long term and perphaps going the distance."

 

If she can't give you an answer, then you have yours. "sorting myself out.: means, " I'm still talking to the guy."

 

Go NC, and stay there. Don't answer her texts, e-mails or phonecalls. They're all just breadcrumbs to see if you're still on the hook.

[make me believe]

God, I was cringing reading this because you sound like SUCH a pushover! I'm sorry, but really.. Why are you waiting around while she figures out if she loves you enough to let her ex go? How ridiculous! If she really loved you, she would have no problem ending contact with him!

 

I mean, if I was head over heels in love with a girl and she said that she has problems with me talking to an Ex. The answer would be simple." I'm sorry that hurt you. If you need me to stop talking to her, then I'll do so. Because, I love you and I see us together long term and perphaps going the distance."

 

Exactly! ANY response other than the one quoted above means that she is still hung up on him and not willing to let him go. Do you really want to share your gf with her ex?? I wouldn't even stick around for her to "figure things out" if I were you. She shouldn't NEED to "sort herself out." You need to let this girl go & find somebody who wants to be with you without keeping her ex on the back burner just in case.

[KathyM]

Hi everyone, hope you can give me some advice, here's the situation:

Sorry if it's a bit long winded but I want to try and include all the details....

 

I have been dating a girl for the last five months, I am 31 and she is 24, we have worked in the same place for two years (although rarely see each other in work) and have always been very flirty. When we first met she had a boyfriend and I had just come out of a long term relationship. At the end of March this year it was my birthday and she asked if I was going out for it and asked for my number. She text on the night to see if I wanted her to buy me a drink. I asked her out a few days later and things were going exceptionally well becoming bf/gf within two weeks. We had such a connection I have never come across before and became inseparable almost immediately (which is not like me at all).

 

I am normally very secure and confident and I must admit I was so happy to have met this amazing person who I thought felt the same. We didn't chat about past relationships as neither of us wanted to, albeit I did see lots of her pictures on Facebook with this guy who I assumed to be her ex.

One of our work colleagues had mentioned that he had broken up with her and that he was a bit of an idiot and that they had been broken up for a while so I figured that she had always liked me, had moved on and was ready for something serious which is exactly what I wanted.

 

The issues started when I saw her ex had sent her a text after about two months of us being together. I only knew it was him as he has a distinctive nickname and I just saw it in passing. It made me think though - why is she in touch with him? A week or so after that we were just sitting in the car after having a really nice day together when she told me that she was meeting up with her ex the following day as they had ''things to sort out''. She asked me if I was ok with it. I didn't really have any choice but to say yes as i'm not the sort of person to stop a partner from doing something. It came across like I was being told - this is the situation, like it or lump it. I felt like I had been forced to accept it. It was particularly upsetting because the night they were planning to meet we would have had a free house together (which happens very rarely due to housemates) so I suggested we met after she had seen him to which she declined.

 

After their meeting up I was kind of expecting her to want to chat about it but nothing was mentioned. A week or so later I saw her texting him again so I asked why they were still in touch given that I thought they ended on bad terms. I asked to know a bit about their history and she basically told me the opposite of what my friend had said. He had broken up with her after a five year relationship and she had pursued me only three weeks later. She said that things were amicable as he had his reasons for the break up and that there were issues that they needed to discuss together. She also said things had not been right in their relationship for a while due to an issue that she would not disclose.

 

After these revelations I became quite insecure about things and just wasn't sure what to do. A friend suggested checking her texts to put my mind at ease. Initially I couldn't do it, it's not something I would normally ever do but one morning while she was in the shower I thought I would check one or two just to put my mind at rest that nothing untoward was going on. So I did and found a number of texts with nothing sexual but messages a long the lines of ''i'm looking forward to see you'' and even one from girlfriend suggesting they go to the cinema together - to which he replied, ''I think that might be inappropriate''. I felt sick, not only because of what I found but because I went against my own ethics to look at the phone.

 

I spent the next few days on my own trying to work out what to do. I told her I needed some space and I didn't reply to calls, messages etc for two days. We then met up a day after that as she didn't know what was going on. I told her what I had done and the reasons why. She said that she was falling in love with me and that there was nothing untoward going on with him. She said she was upset that I had looked at her phone but I had read into the messages wrongly and that this sort of thing is always interpreted in the wrong way. I said that I didn't want to lose her but I don't want to be strung along. Things were never really resolved, I felt like I apologized for the breach of trust with the phone but everything was swept under the carpet with her and her ex.

 

I said that I would try and accept the situation and try not to let it get to me. Over the next few weeks we spent a lot of time together and have both said 'I love you' which I genuinely mean. I have only ever been in love once before and it took me a while to say it. I shocked myself to have these feelings for her so soon into our relationship. I felt like we have gone from strength to strength, spending time with each others friends and families, spending most nights together and we have such an amazing connection when we are intimate with each other. I was sooooo happy.

 

I then saw his name flash up again on her phone as we were heading to work. I was silent on the journey as I didn't know what to say, she said that we need to talk about it which I said I wanted to do but I needed to think things through first. She said that we might as well split up if i'm not going to speak to her which I thought was very unfair as my way of dealing with things is to think rationally, clear my head then go back to the situation and discuss things with reason and thought rather than in the heat of the moment. I felt again like it was her way or the highway.

 

That evening I got her to sit down and listen telling her that this situation is making me so sad and that I wanted to know the extent of her feelings for him. She said she worries about him as he doesn't have a close circle of friends to which I replied - he's not your responsibility anymore. I said I was angry that she is prepared to put his feelings before mine and that I cannot understand why she wants to remain friends with him after he hurt her.

 

She told me that he has told her that he wants her back but he will take a step back if that is what she wants.

 

She told me the reason that they broke up is that she was sexually assaulted one night while out with her girlfriends and he could never forgive himself that he was not there to protect her. Things went downhill for them from that point. I kind of left the chat there as I knew I needed to be there for her and comfort her. I do appreciate it takes a lot of trust to share something of that magnitude with me. The following day I said once again I would try to think positive, forget about her ex and just try to get on with things.

 

Then on Friday just before we were going to bed (we were going away for her cousins wedding on the weekend) I saw his name flash up on her phone again. She glimpsed at the message, slid the phone into her pocket and left the room. On her return I was silent, I genuinely didn't know what to say. She obviously realized what had happened and asked if I wanted to talk about things. I said that I have tried so hard to be ok with the situation but it is just eating me up. I haven't slept properly for weeks, I can't eat most of the time. With her I am either super happy or very sad. It is just not me at all and I need to resolve the situation.

 

It am sure that her love for me is 100% genuine but I feel that the emotional commitment is being shared 50/50 with her ex. I don't want to give her ultimatums but then I cannot cope with this situation for any longer.

I am not prepared to be miserable while she flits back and for, it is not me and it is not fair on me or her ex.

 

I would really appreciate any advice at all, I just need to know what to do next....

If I were you, I'd leave her, to be honest with you. She's not sure what she wants. It sounds like she wants both of you. You've been kind of making it easy on her to be putting up with this. I think you should tell her you're not willing to share her with some other guy, and that she is still emotionally connected to him. And that as long as that is the case, it's not going to work out between you and her. When she asked you for feedback about her still seeing him to resolve some things, that was the time you should have said "I don't think that's going to work for me. I can't handle being in a relationship when there's someone else in the picture." I think she would have respected that and made a choice right then and there, and it very well might have been you that she chose. Now you've made it easy for her to "explore" her feelings for the guy and to see him. I'd suggest telling her you want to step aside at this point, since she's not sure what she wants, and she doesn't seem to have put this guy in the past.

[climbergirl]

I've been or are in a similar situation...well, kind of. I still talk to my ex (together 5 years), but the difference is that my fiance (now husband as of the 13th of August:love:) knows everything. He doesn't mind that I talk to him and, in fact, even talks to my ex as well. The only issue he would have is if we met up together, even for coffee. Given this, I question your girlfriend's intentions because...

 

1. She is evasive about her and her ex's conversations. Everything should be on the table if she wants a secure and trusting relationship with you.

2. She is actively trying to get together with her ex (movie) and props to him, by the way, for declining.

3. It's taking her more than 2 seconds to decide. That in and of itself speaks volumes.

[sm1tten]

The only way I've been able to stay friends with my exes is if the relationship was very short/shallow or if a significant amount of time has passed that there are no lingering feelings involved. This is neither. Can a rebound relationship work? Yes, but it's rare, and this situation is an example of why it's so rare. She's putting his feelings and needs before yours, the person she is supposed to be moving forward with. Until she is willing to cut this person loose, you have to leave her alone. If she were over him and into you, there'd be no "sorting out" necessary. I sympathise with her situation regarding her assault and it doesn't sound like she wanted the break-up, but the onus was on her to deal with it and move on... not drag another person into the emotional mess.

 

What to do next? Go NC and start moving on. Even if she breaks contact with her ex, she's still going to be emotionally invested. Worse, she will probably start to resent you for making her choose. Let her "sort" her sh*t out without you. Maybe in time you can try again, but don't hold your breath.

 

And please, if you do break up with her, learn from this and make sure you are ready for the next girl BEFORE the next girl becomes the next girl, you know?