lilypoo Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 Ok, im new to this but thought I would give it a go to try and understand what is going on. I met a guy at work and we became friends, 6 months ago the long term relationship I was in broke down and I was very upset about it, even though it was my choice to end the relationship, I tried and tried with my ex but things didnt change so I had to be strong and move on. However I didnt expect to become emotionally involved with someone else, Sometimes I went to work and put on a brave face, however my work colleague pulled me aside and said he could see straight through me and that I was hurting on the inside, we talked about my situation a lot, in time he started telling me things about his relationship and how they were practically leading seperate lives and that he was lonely, I even tried to give him advice on how his partner may be feeling from a womans perspective, in the end we became very close, I suppose we were both feeling lonely and isolated and found comfort in eachother, although I made it clear that whilst he was with someone I would never take the situation further, it has just happend, the connection, the closeness, the withdrawal symptoms when we are apart, he told me that he had fallen in love with me and that all he could think about was me, i was reluctant to share my feelings due to his partner and the unfairness of it all, although I was almost exploding with emotion. Things came to a head not so long ago, he said he needed to man up and deal with his feelings, his life and where it was going, and that he needed space, which I accepted, as I too needed to work out this situation I was now very involved in, about a week into the 'space' a family member died unexpectantly on his girlfriends side, since then he has only come into work on the days he knows im not there, last week he popped in when I was there and I found he couldnt look at me when talking, and he nearly cried when he was telling me how he has a lot on his plate etc, I didnt say too much as it is a delicate situation and felt it would be selfish of me to make any comments whatsoever, his texts are not as frequent but when he does text, sometimes he tells me he misses me with kisses etc, and other times I feel like he is texting but trying to keep things on surface level with no kisses at the end. I know that he is coming into work this week when I will be there as he text and told me, i dont know how to act, what to say, what to do, I feel confused, i have never had an emotional connection like this and its driving me insane, I dont know where im at, what he is feeling....I wont pour out how im feeling at all, I can control myself for his sake, How should I act around him cos im at a loss??? I think he is feeling guilt, but at the same time cant help himself, but I feel it is unfair to all involved, I never believed I would ever get drawn into something like this, I spoke to a coworker today and she said she thinks it is guilt, but also that I have struck a chord on his heart, she said that it was more than obvious and that maybe I have brought out things in him that he has ignored - ie, his unhappiness in his relationship...im confused Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 (edited) Call me cynical and you are not going to want to hear this, but it sounds like he preyed upon you. You were vulnerable and as a cheating MM, he picked up on it immediately and pounced. That's their MO. They can pick out an emotionally vulnerable woman a hundred miles away. He then worked to get you emotionally attached and then pulled the ole disappearing act to seal the deal. Now he has you right where he wants you - emotionally hooked, craving him and willing to do anything for any crumb of attention he wants to toss your way. He will eventually come around and start satisfying your need for his attention when he needs an ego boost. If you are wise, you will cut him off now and take control of your life back. You should run as fast as you can away from this guy before you get more tangled in his web. I am sorry that I sound harsh and cynical, but this is exactly how most A's play out. BTDT and I'm still steaming out the wrinkles! Edited August 22, 2011 by spice4life Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 Welcome to LS, OP. Nice analysis by S4L. I have to say that most of the MW's in my past 'hooked' me the same way, except with a little sexual titillation thrown in. You can request no contact either globally or until he has a legal divorce/breakup under his belt and is single. You can enforce it, if broken, by collecting and sending his proactive contacts to his wife/partner. If you can't resolve your feelings after a number of months of NC, get professional help. You can learn tools to break the 'connection', which is really about yourself and your psychology and has little to nothing to do with him. Great life lesson from a former OM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilypoo Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 Thankyou for your response, I have wondered all of this, I was vulnerable at the time but not so much now, in general I am a confident person, but im now at a level of uncertainty within myself and I dont like the feeling. I actually had a go at him not so long ago and told him he was messing with my emotions and that we should remain friends only and to keep conversations on the surface, no depth to them, a shallow friendship if you like...I said all of that because he was acting strange around me and I felt confused and uncomfortable. I have read about this as much as I can, and I realise that we cant even be friends, too much involvement mentally. Thanks again for your input Link to post Share on other sites
So Very Confused Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 I agree with Spice 4 Life. I think he's playing you. He's got you so busy trying to figure out what he's up to that you aren't thinking clearly about what you need and want. Also, stop talking about this to co-workers. Nothing good can come from that and you're playing with dynamite. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilypoo Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 Thankyou for the welcome Carhill .....its a tough one, there are feelings involved on my part that are genuine, I think he has feelings but I am aware that there is something keeping him at home, ive even said it to him and told him that I have feelings too and that it had to stop, its difficult as we work together but as I said previously he has been avoiding coming in at the same times as me....I dont know what to do when I see him this week, should I avoid him as much as possible or should I say something and then avoid, I dont know what to do for the best, but one thing I do agree on, is that I have to keep everything on the surface until he is a single man...agree 100%! Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 Thank you, carhill. And you are very welcome lilypoo. Welcome to the forum! I apologize for not welcoming you in my inital post. I'm all to familiar with the sneaking in when you're absent motif. Don't worry though, because at least you are free and don't have to sneak around like he does right? The only thing you really have to think about is this, if he is a real man he will leave you alone unless he is 100% divorced both legally AND emotionally! Tell yourself that you won't accept anything less because you don't have to. If he comes in while you are there and you have to interact with him for work, just be professional and keep it strictly business. If he steers the conversation in a personal direction say, "that is not appropriate beause you are married." Welcome again to the forum and keep posting! Especially when you feel vulnerable to contacting him. You sound like you are doing great - keep up the good work! Link to post Share on other sites
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