Help me understand my wife or is it just me?

[scottskerik1973]

Im a little frustrated. My wife and I have been through alot. We both have backgrounds of Dis-functional marriages. This is why we became a couple in the first place, (we knew what wrong was like and talked about how we would be different with each other). The frustrating thing is my wife has had affairs in our past. After Splitting up and going my separate way we got back together and talked things through. She told me she had these affairs because we were fighting and these guys and her were not. I looked at why we use to fight (argue) and 90% of the time it was because she was drunk or our love life was non-existing. When we talked our problems through we agreed that our love life needed a jump start and she has went to alc. recovery for her drinking problem. It has been 6 months and I'm not seeing much or any spark in our love life. Her idea for intimacy is having me perform oral and then missionary. This isn't bad but this is all that happens when we are intimate. I try to do something else or ask for something else and I get told no or never mind we'll just go to sleep. Its not that my wife wont do anything besides this, because she has told me in detail what she did for/with these other men. This is what frustrates me. I'm only a man, and i don't think I'm wrong to want a love life thats a little more (fair, exciting, and not so routine). If you would please tell me your thoughts, who knows maybe everybody in the same shoes or similar.

[midwestconfusion]

double post...sorry

[midwestconfusion]

When I read this post I was a bit taken aback because you started off sounding a lot like my own husband...or at least what you started writing was something I might believe him to post.

 

Your wife sounds a lot like me, but the reasons for her behavior may be completely different than mine.

 

"She told me she had these affairs because we were fighting and these guys and her were not."

 

I have been in this situation, of course not to the extent of outright affairs, but close and the reason was because I have a hard time with not having my needs met by my husband. If we were to fight and I were to go out, the only things I could think about were the voids in my life with my husband. In my ire, I would start to compile a list of where he fell short. Add alcohol and suddenly I was looking for those qualities in someone else, even if just for a matter of hours. If this is anywhere close to what happens with your wife, you really need to sit down and ask her if she truly believes you are fufilling her needs in every aspect of your life together. Communication, romance, seduction, intimacy, intellectual stimulation, attention, appreciation, desire, etc. Everything. Let her have her say and make sure you are sincere about knowing and be prepared to change. Once she has her time, let her know where you feel she falls short...it goes both ways.

 

I've also had problems with alcohol and let me tell you something....once I stopped drinking I found out that I lost interest in sex. I don't know how to explain it, but for me, I learned that I needed a minimum of 2 drinks before I could somewhat enjoy sex. Don't get me wrong, I have engaged in relations with my husband sober, but I don't initiate it, nor do I have much interest in it, thus leaving me missionery so he gets his release. In those instances, I've found myself thinking "c'mon..finish already". I felt obligated to offer an oriface for my husband and that was it. But get some drinks in me and I'm a wildcat. I have no idea why this is, but that's how it is with me.

 

 

Your wife has had an opportunity to "comparison shop". She has betrayed you repeatedly and you permit it. It's admirable for you to have such patience, but it also makes you appear weak as a man. Women want a man who can take charge confidently, who can provide, who can "be a man" when they need to be. In my husband's case, I can honestly say that I'd be turned on if he made me jealous. I'd be turned on and want him more if I were to suspect that I had competition. I'd be more attracted to him if he were to start calling the shots and taking on an alpha role when it came to life in general. I'm not talking the cave man routine of treating your woman like a possession, but rather setting your own agenda, schedule and plans. Instead of making yourself 110% available to her to use and abuse you emotionally and mentally, start to focus on your "own thing". Start to engage in activities that not only put you in control, but that also intrigue her and entice her to want to participate. Start taking a male stance in life and let HER FOLLOW YOU for once. Have her persue YOU. Start wearing some really nice cologne. Start dressing more appealing. Start to show an interest in your outward appearance and carry your head high. When you pass her in the kitchen, offer a soft caress along her low back as you head out to the living room after dinner...and don't make eye contact. Be coy with her, but not "needy". If she asks what that was all about, play coy. If she insists, tell her you just thought she looked sexy and you wanted to touch her.

 

My guess is that she is responding to your behavior. But like I said, your description of HER behavior was as if you were describing me and what I've presented here to you are my reasons....hers could be different, you never know.

[FolderWife]

Well, midwest sounds like she may be your wife posting.

 

I have a similar problem with my husband. If I don't do sex exactly how HE wants when HE wants, he gets mad and watches porn. Or at least that's how I feel. However, my husband is not adverse to pleasuring me...I just have to be pleasuring him at the same time. Once in a while, I'd like to be the one who's getting pleasured. I pleasure him alone all the time. He set the stage from the very beginning of our marriage that if I don't have sex with him the way he wants when he wants, I'm not going to get to have sex for a couple of months. Sometimes I initiate it, and I do all the work. Sometimes he initiates it, and I do all the work.

 

He is VEEERY selfish in bed, and it is something we are working on...communication in the sack.

 

I remember this one night, all I wanted was for him to get on top. Thats aaaall I wanted. He said after I went down on him. So I went down on him. I didn't want to, I just wanted to feel him on top. But after I went down on him. Then he said he'd get on top after I got on top for a while. I didn't want to. I only wanted him on top for a little bit. But not til after I got on top would he give it. I was on top for 5 minutes, and I figured it would be a good time to switch. I wanted HIM ON TOP...3 minutes, that's all I needed. He refused to get on top. After all that work on my part, HE STILL WOULDN'T GET ON TOP!!! Finally when I asked why, he said, "I'm tired of being on top all the time."

 

I got fuming mad. I was like SCREW IT! grabbed my dildo, and went to the living room. Of course a stupid dildo doesn't cure the hankering for my man on top.

 

I still get mad thinking about that. If I bring it up though, he'll just start watching porn again, and I'll never get any sex.

 

Maybe she just doesn't have a big libido. Who knows. I don't get my husband, but I'm trying!

[scottskerik1973]

Thanks for your insight, I think you are right when you talk about maybe i dont fully satisfy my wife. I also think the second reply was a little correct also.

She is selfish(my opinion). The only thing I wont agree with is saying she opened up intimatly with these other men because she was under the influence. She was sober alot of the times she was with them. I bvelieve this would be only an excuse not the actuall reason. Whats the reason. My wife read these responses and she said they are close and walked away (not wanting to talk right now). I know she is the only one that knows the reason why she wont open-up intimatly with me. I dont want to sound like im miserable. Its just frustrating. My wife is beautiful and I love her and SHE EXCITES ME. Then we get to the bed and Im the only one excited(or so it seems). Being stuck in a routine in bed is boring(expecially when the routine is strictly one sided). I do appreciate the the insight and thoughts thank you.

[SoleMate]

i don't think I'm wrong to want a love life thats a little more (fair, exciting, and not so routine). If you would please tell me your thoughts, who knows maybe everybody's in the same shoes or similar

You're not wrong to want a satisfying sex life in your marriage. Heck, no. Marriage is ALL about both partners getting their needs met reasonably well - be those needs for companionship, sex, intimacy, financial support, practical assistance, romance, relaxation, security, or whatever. Check out <URL removed> for some info on this.

 

Everybody is NOT in the same boat - maybe about 40% of married couples have recurring sexual problems that leave one or both partners very dissatisfied.

 

Please read The Sex Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. She talks to both partners about how mismatched sexual desire is a problem for both people - not just the high drive person (often the man, but not always). She has great ideas that can leave both of you feeling better about things and getting more of your needs met.

 

Your relationship has two other serious challenges - alcoholism (even if in remission) and serial cheating.

 

she has told me in detail what she did for/with these other men. This is what frustrates me

Ummm, yeah. There's something very odd going on here. I'm an armchair psychiatrist, and I am guessing that your wife is exhibiting disassociative behavior. When she's feeling wild (or angry or self-hating or needing to escape from her pain or depressed or ???), she gets drunk and has sex with other men, doing a variety of acts. You're the safe husband, so she uses you as her haven in between these interludes. Her sexual energy only occurs when she is drunk and wild, so she is passive in bed with you and "lets you do her". She does not participate in sex with you.

 

The alcoholism and serial cheating must be addressed and treated/resolved, in my opinion, for this marriage to have any chance at building a happy sex life and marriage with you. The cheating and drinking are not incidental or coincidental. They are the core reasons why sex with you isn't working. Good luck if you decide to fight this battle.