HE is mad at ME!!!

[saintfrancis]

Last week I finally had it an told xMM/now "friend" I needed some space. I could feel myself backsliding, and I REALLY do not want to get caught up in the cycle again. So, I told him to back off. Now he tells me that HE is upset with ME!!! I suppose I would be upset too if someone disturbed my nice convenient arrangement where I could have my cake, eat it too, and not have to give much in return. I am amazed. Really.

 

[SoleMate]

He's no friend of yours. He should be crawling across broken beer bottles to beg for forgiveness for what he's put you through. What's it going to take for you to see him as he really is - a whining user?

 

Suggestion: Cut off all contact. It's like ripping off the BandAid all in one go instead of slowly peeling it and resticking it over the course of 8 years...

[bluechocolate]

Who cares what he thinks or feels? If it's over then let him think or feel whatever he likes - get on with your own life.

[saintfrancis]

I certainly am getting on with my life. I can't help but feel incensed, though. During our relationship, I would always take into account "his feelings" on most matters. It just angers me to hear that I'm "wrong" for not doing that now. Well, no matter. I'm getting on. Just trying to deal with all the residual feelings now.

[zarathustra]

The problem is with that knotty transitional status known as "friend." There should be another word to describe that complex social/emotional state where you transition out of a long term sexual relationship. The word "friend" connotes something entirely too placid, calm, agreeable. Post-sexual relationships are anything but that. They're messy, turbulent, intense. Separating is almost never easy, especially in an affair.

 

You're MM resents you because you're refusing to have sex with him anymore. You've taken away his candy. He'll use whatever leverage he has with you--residual feelings, memories, nostalgia--to f*ck you again.

 

There has been a paradigm shift for you, but not for him. You now perceive this guy as a MM playing the cake man: A very unflattering picture. I bet the MM still sees himself as just a man who loved you with all his heart, and this is how you treat him. The resentment and recriminations flow from this perceptual difference.

 

This is one "friend" whom you can do without.

[saintfrancis]

Zara, I think you are right, I think he sees himself exactly the way you describe. And yes, I am starting to see him as a "cake man." I have never, and still do not think that he "purposely" set out to have his cake and eat it too. I don't believe there was premeditation or any malice of intent on his part. I really do think that we both got involved sort of passively but when the spark ignited, of course we weren't going to walk away. But then, having "found" himself in the nicely laid out position that he was in with me, he wasn't exactly about to give that up, either. I know I wouldn't.

 

So yeah, I do see some "cake eating" going on on his part. I am not angry over it, I don't think he's a total ass, I mean, I loved him for heaven's sake. But, it had to stop.

[zarathustra]

You're absolutely correct, saintfrancis, in noticing the lack of "Affair" premeditation. I don't know anyone, especially in lengthy, passionate extramarital affairs, who targets a prospective lover for seduction. That's for Hollywood.

 

But once the love is triggered, the passion rises and the sex engulfs the lovers, the affair is very convenient for the MM. Conversely, the affair becomes increasingly frustrating for the (usually single) OW who quickly learns that waiting for the MM to leave his wife is much like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot." Hell, "Waiting for Godot" could easily have been written by any unmarried OW.

 

Hang in there, woman. Stick to your guns even though it ain't easy.