Author peachypie Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 Well, you succeeded in not making sense. Because you first said you had done your homework and D meant deportation to you. Then you subsequently posted that you wish your H would cheat so he would be the bad guy in a D. It seems odd you to say the latter AFTER learning you get deported in a D. And then a, I shall call classic, diversionary line about tired and feeling numb. Hmmmm..... Something is rotten Denmark. You seem to have misread. The quote you have of me clearly states that I said it BEFORE I did the homework. I am not sure what the need is to dissect everything and assume I am lying about the divorce thing, but it is your right. I just wish you had read what I wrote more carefully. I am sorry for sounding confused. I am not doing very well these days. :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Author peachypie Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 That is to validate or justify her actions and serves no purpose. How? She is letting me know how selfish and neglectful my thought pattern is. That is not really a pat on the head. And then the story about the OM. I found her post helpful as a shaking me up, not a validation or justification. Link to post Share on other sites
Author peachypie Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 (edited) @Ethyl http://www.loveshack.org/forums/guidelines/#civility You made some valid points, but sadly spent most of your time making assumptions and accusations that aren't true, and then making personal attacks. I realize you have only been here one week longer than me. Maybe you have not read the rules about civility. Edited August 23, 2011 by peachypie Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 You seem to have misread. The quote you have of me clearly states that I said it BEFORE I did the homework. I am not sure what the need is to dissect everything and assume I am lying about the divorce thing, but it is your right. I just wish you had read what I wrote more carefully. I am sorry for sounding confused. I am not doing very well these days. :-( I think the point I am trying to make is this: In post 19 you state that D gets you deported. In post 28 you want your H to cheat so you aren't the bad guy in a D. Because post 19 occurs before post 28 I concluded that you knew, with both postings, that a D gets you deported. It was your claim in post 19 and must be true in post 28 (there was no refutation between posts) Yet in post 28 you seem to forget that a D gets you deported from your current country and wish your H would cheat so you don't look bad - in the very D that gets you deported. Not picking you apart just following what YOU say. And it factually didn't make sense. Still doesn't. Apologies as I am on my IPhone and it's hard as he'll to read and type. Link to post Share on other sites
Author peachypie Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 Just to clarify, when I talked about having told DH I wished he would cheat so I would not be the bad guy when we divorced, I was talking about something I said a long time ago. BEFORE I knew about the complications with divorce and stuff here. I only brought it up, to answer someone's question about how I would feel if DH were doing this, and if I did not care, it was sign of how bad things are. It is not something I say now. Yes, posting from phones is less than ideal. Doing it now myself. Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Peachy, I guess it's an Europe-USA LD A Beyond the dreamland that you have built, there are too many barriers : both married, distance, jobs, etc. Some relationships are just not meant to be, you need to accept that and let it go. You might be ready to run to MOM, but he might not be willing to be with you. Instead (maybe) you can decide D and set yourself free to pursue other relationships without infidelity and drama. Children shouldn't be a reason to stay. As far as I know, absolutely no European country will force you to leave because you divorce, especially if you have children who are born in the country and go to school. Link to post Share on other sites
Author peachypie Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 (edited) I read about it in immigration law websites. We (husband and I) are from 2 different countries, living in another EU country for work. It is hairy laws we are talking about. I did not really pursue further info yet I must admit, so I am not 100% sure. However, what I read, did not look good. That's all beside the point. The issue at hand is that what I am doing is wrong, not healthy, selfish and stupid as it will go nowhere anyway. Thank you all again, with one exception, for your posts. Edited August 23, 2011 by peachypie Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 I read about it in immigration law websites. We (husband and I) are from 2 different countries, living in another EU country for work. It is hairy laws we are talking about. I did not really pursue further info yet I must admit, so I am not 100% sure. However, what I read, did not look good. That's all beside the point. The issue at hand is that what I am doing is wrong, not healthy, selfish and stupid as it will go nowhere anyway. Thank you all again, with one exception, for your posts. It's not beside the point. The point is ending the current situation for a better one. Given what you say filing for D seems best for you. Your H chooses not to change and you have chosen to cheat. You can either continue cheating, stop cheating and work on tour M or stop cheating and get a D. Your H won't change. So you either continue cheating ( and learn how to cope with all that comes with cheating) or get a D. So get a D. You can be happier and possibly find another H who WILL better fill your needs. So hire a lawyer who has experience in this. At least get a consultation as to what the law really is and not just what the www says it is. And stop cheating. Few people can create and maintain the necessary emotional distance to have one and remain relatively healthy. Besides, all it does is further exacerbate your current feelings in your M now. In short, this A is making your life worse not better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author peachypie Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 No, it isn't healthy. I spent too long in selfish denial about what I have been doing, but in the past couple of weeks the shame and guilty has been hitting me on the face. The twist is that it evaporates when I talk to OM, only to come back harder next time. I want off the rollercoaster. I want to be a decent person again. All I need is NC, but I feel weak doing it alone. I have nobody to talk to about this IRL. Maybe posting here will help? I saw another NC thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Fight4Me Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 I know people will laugh at me and call me a hypocrite, but I am a Christian. I have never felt so lonely and away from God in my whole life, and it is too much to deal with sometimes :-(I'm not going to laugh nor call you a hypocrite. In fact, I wanted to say that it happens a lot more than you might expect in Christian circles (I've run a Christian website for years and saw it far too often). My own belief as to why this is so is because people tend to think that because of their faith, they are impervious to such temptations. I just want to say that you are NOT alone, and to encourage you not to allow your shame to put further distance between yourself and God. I'm a fBW, but that doesn't lessen my desire to see you come out on the other side of this feeling whole again. When you reach fifty posts, you will be able to PM and I just want you to know you can reach out to me anytime. No, it isn't healthy. I spent too long in selfish denial about what I have been doing, but in the past couple of weeks the shame and guilty has been hitting me on the face. The twist is that it evaporates when I talk to OM, only to come back harder next time. I want off the rollercoaster. I want to be a decent person again. All I need is NC, but I feel weak doing it alone. I have nobody to talk to about this IRL. Maybe posting here will help? I saw another NC thread. There are a lot of very helpful caring people on these boards who will help you through this. They'll pick you up when you fall down and cheer you on through your triumphs. You will, no doubt, go on to become a fOW who is able to help someone just like yourself further down the road. I have just one suggestion to get yourself started, and that is to go out and buy yourself a notebook for journaling your way through this. Buy a pen while you're at it. You could find something around your house, but there's spiritual symbolism in the newness of the paper and the ink. As you go along, you can look over your older entries and really see the progress you've made where you otherwise wouldn't if you didn't have it written down. Hang in there, and please take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Lis007 Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 #1 I havent read the whole thread but will later. Please dont do it! Thats my advice! Seek marriage counselling for you and your husband! and stop all contact with this "friend"! Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Wondering one thing: Had my story been "I know this guy from work" instead of "I know this guy online" what would people be telling me? Yes, I know I am a disloyal lying cow for being unfaithful to my husband like this. I hate myself everyday. I was not raised like that. What I don't understand is how people fall in love everyday in eHarmony and such, and nobody bats an eye. However, because the relationship I am in is illicit, then it has got to be lies, a scam or fantasy. The main problem here is the impossibility of it all, and the fact we are being unfaithful. The online part has too many variables, and is every evolving in this day and age, so it is beside the point. Because there is NOTHING wrong with 2 SINGLE people falling in love. Where is the lying, scamming, fantasy or illicit part in it? I can't believe you are really don't understand the difference. Must be the fog... It's sort of a "fantasy" because in reality, where is it really "true" what you guys have?. In your mind and in the mind of your OM? To the rest of the world it's nonexistent. I'm not trying to be harsh, but see the forest for the trees, hone. Seems like you are defensive in replying to anyone that is not celebrating your mess. Just saying... So for 15yrs you have been in such a miserable marriage? Did it take for you to get hooked to someone online to realize this? If for so long your M has been dead, then why stay? You may not think so or see it now, but the more you string along not facing the fact that your M is dead and you are clinging on to this online guy, the bigger the mess you'll create for yourself. In reality, you have never even met this guy in person. Don't be ridiculous and throw your family on the rollercoaster for a "virtual friend". Everyone will get hurt and nobody wins at that point. Good luck sorting things out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author peachypie Posted August 24, 2011 Author Share Posted August 24, 2011 I have gone NC officially. Not easy :-( Then spent the day looking for a IC. Will start next week. Thank you all for your help! Is it possible for this thread to be closed, or possibly deleted? I have shared some details in this thread which make me easily recognizable. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 What I don't understand is how people fall in love everyday in eHarmony and such, and nobody bats an eye. However, because the relationship I am in is illicit, then it has got to be lies, a scam or fantasy. Because it doesn't stay online. These people actually MEET up in person and get to know eachother. You know him well, online and through the phone but you don't know him and his dynamic, what he's truly about living life, how he reacts to things, his facial expressions, how he handles stress day in and day out. Online it's safe and you can talk 20 times a day and not get sick of one another.. It's real in some sense, but it isn't. I'm not saying he's faking this, what he feels, nor what you feel..The feelings are real but it's automatic, your mind and heart fill in the blanks so it feels so perfect, soulmate like. I hope this make sense to you? You are married as is he. This is just going to complicate your life. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Because it doesn't stay online. These people actually MEET up in person and get to know eachother. You know him well, online and through the phone but you don't know him and his dynamic, what he's truly about living life, how he reacts to things, his facial expressions, how he handles stress day in and day out. Online it's safe and you can talk 20 times a day and not get sick of one another.. It's real in some sense, but it isn't. I'm not saying he's faking this, what he feels, nor what you feel..The feelings are real but it's automatic, your mind and heart fill in the blanks so it feels so perfect, soulmate like. I hope this make sense to you? You are married as is he. This is just going to complicate your life. Great post WWIU (as usual) Peachy, I just reposted a thread from a while ago http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3588014#post3588014 If you truly are wanting to do NC, read it. You can do it. You will survive. It will hurt and you need to grieve the ending; but you will learn more about yourself and that is never a bad thing. I am sorry you are hurting; but you know this online affair isn't going anywhere and your life should not be wrapped up in a guy you will never be with. As for online dating sites; so many couples met this way (sure beats the bar scene!!) and have had healthy, long term marriages from it. What you are doing versus online dating are two totally separate things. These people who do online dating are looking for a person to be IN a relationship with - to meet, to hang out, to date, to BE with the person. In your situation, it is a bandaid ... it is something that is stopping you from finding a 'real' relationship. This is fantasy instead of reality. We all need a break from reality from time to time; but I fear you are using this as a crutch, an escape, a dream ... which isn't helping you Link to post Share on other sites
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