Well, 8 months on she wants me back

[Renard99]

Hi all

 

So here we are, 8 months on after the end of an 8 year relationship, and I see her in the street as I head down to buy lunch. I nod politely and smile (I went completely NC after the break up, but, we work in the same city and I've never been one to be rude, so would at least flash a smile as she walked past). I get back to my desk after lunch and find a huge email from her.

 

It included lines like:

 

I feel like I am secure in my own identity now, but I still feel like a jigsaw puzzle that is missing a piece. I will willingly admit that when I saw you today my stomach turned to butterflies, just like it did when we first got together.

 

and

 

Others have pushed me to move on, and to think about what I really want, but the honest truth is all I have ever wanted in a man is you. I don't know if you will ever find it in your heart to forgive all the pain and confusion I have put you through in the last 9 months but this is something I needed to tell you. In all of the scenarios of how my future looks, I actually find it impossible to imagine myself with someone other than you.

 

Now, my dilemma is that, I met someone a few months ago. We were initially just friends who were emotionally suporting each other as we had both recently gone through break ups. Just lately there has been hints of a relationship, but she admitted she's still has a bit of 'relationship phobia' but would like things to keep going as they are (casual dates), take it slow and see where things lead. So, to sum it up, we're not actually 'together' but are seeing each other.

 

So, I'm stuck in the middle at the moment. My ex, on her own without a word from me, has identified all the things that she did to bring down the relationship, and not only that, she's proposed solutions, all of which match what I had in my head. I never stopped loving her, she was the one that ended it, so there are enough feelings left deep inside for me to be really affected by this...............

However, I just spent 8 months 'conquering' those feelings, paving the way for a new me, new interests and hopefully a new love.... and one I may have found, I just don't know yet where we stand relationship wise

 

I know that, ultimately, what I do is totally down to me, so I'm not looking for an answer on who to go with.

What I do want to ask, is what do people think I should do right this minute/hour/day? My stomach is doing flips, I'm not thinking straight and I feel drained so any advice on how to take it from here would be much appreciated.

[Renard99]

And just to clarify, the ex actually wrote clearly that she "would like to try again" with me, which I know a lot of people say is the only line that counts when talking about reconciliation!

[smudge21]

We all hope so much for the day when the people who dumped us will turn around and come back, willing to try whatever it takes to make it work. But as often the case, by the time they do come back, we've healed and moved on, met someone new... and it's too late.

 

I know right now that if my ex came back I would for sure give her another try, but I also know from past experiences the issue you're facing. Having the ex come back when you've moved on, and there's someone else who you're interested in.

 

For me, I had fully moved on and when faced with that choice, I no longer saw my ex on a pedestal or through rose-tinted glasses. I saw someone who had thrown away something good (for GIGS). I didn't take her back, it was too late, she'd left it too long and I'd healed. I always thought saying that to her would be hard, but it was easy. I no longer loved her, and never would again.

 

But like I said, if this was my current ex, the outcome would be different.

 

I'm guessing you still have very strong feelings for her otherwise you wouldn't be posting here about this, or at the very least, you would be simply saying she came back and you weren't interested.

 

I think you have to not respond straight away, but instead think about everything that happened with - every good and bad thing. Any response you give will either be an open or closed door to her, so you need to think about what you really want to say.

 

You're right, only you can decide this and I would hate to be in your shoes right now. You've healed and may have found someone new, or at very least be in a good place to love again. I guess the question is, do you want your next love to be the familiar or the unknown? The excitement of someone new, or the safety of a past love?

 

Might I suggest you reply to her with something nice and basic, saying thanks for the email and that it's a lot to take in, but you will reply soon, you just need to read it through a few times. It's neither positive or negative.

 

That's my suggestion, but see what others have to say. Good luck.

[Renard99]

Thanks for the reply Smudge, means a lot.

 

And you're right, I do still have a considerable amount of feelings for her. The problem was that I only recently got past that 'tipping point' in terms of whether you look backwards or forwards to the future.

When the break up happens, you look 100% to the past, as you're devastated it's all ended. Over the months, it's slowly gone 90%/10%, 80%/20%, 70%/30% and literally, a few weeks back I reached 49%/51%. It was that point I thought I was ready to date again. The problem now is that I'm still close enough to the past for it still to have an affect on me. I'm sure if this had come at the end of the year or even later, I would be in a place to say No outright.

 

Thanks for the suggestion about just sending a 'covering email' reply to give me a little time. I think I will do that

[EgoJoe]

Congratulations on weathering the first storm!

 

I would suggest that you respond and very politely say that you received her email and that you require time and space to consider the very volatile emotions (word how you want) that go along with such a topic. I suggest stating clearly that you'll contact her when you're ready to move forward in one way or another.

 

Then, don't think about it for a week. Let the emotions settle before you think in any way shape or form.

 

That is my advice.

[smudge21]

Congratulations on weathering the first storm!

 

I would suggest that you respond and very politely say that you received her email and that you require time and space to consider the very volatile emotions (word how you want) that go along with such a topic. I suggest stating clearly that you'll contact her when you're ready to move forward in one way or another.

 

Then, don't think about it for a week. Let the emotions settle before you think in any way shape or form.

 

That is my advice.

 

I agree, whatever you say to her, keep it short, simple, don't mention the past or any of that stuff and then leave it to settle for a week. I would imagine she'd be intouch before then though... but that's for another post.

[betterdeal]

I know that, ultimately, what I do is totally down to me, so I'm not looking for an answer on who to go with.

What I do want to ask, is what do people think I should do right this minute/hour/day? My stomach is doing flips, I'm not thinking straight and I feel drained so any advice on how to take it from here would be much appreciated.

 

You're experiencing symptoms of anxiety. Since there is no immediate danger (unless you're in the lion enclosure at the zoo; in which case, you'll have to let me know what wifi router they have cos the range must be terrific!) you can relax. It's important to know how to and when to relax. Just like an army about to go into battle, a good night's sleep beforehand is your best course of action.

 

Try some deep breathing exercises. You can find myriad on YouTube. I like the yoga ones, but then I like doing yoga anyway. Don't drink caffeine. Get yourself a hearty, healthy meal. Drink water. Have a bubble bath. Go for a stroll. Consider how attractive you are considering at least two women want you. Consider how that's a given, as they have eyes. Maybe have a wank. Do some weights, or press ups. You're going to sleep well tonight. You're your own master. Own it.

[EgoJoe]

I completely agree with Betterdeal and highly recommend deep breathing exercises.

 

I find that by drawing a bath and turning the light off then breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth until my mind becomes clear simply through the focused effort of controlling my breathing that I am immediatly relaxed enough to sleep, think clearly or just stay relaxed.

 

Replace bath with steam room or sauna for improved effect.

 

I want to add that your anxiety is stemming from a primal function in your brain that alludes to fear, lack of a perceived feeling of safety and control. Focus on why this might be (the obvious included) and then how you can resolve these issues to a point that will satisfy your self and if you're a step above mentally how you can satisfy these things to stop your ego from lamblasting you.

[betterdeal]

I like going for a massage when stressed. Works wonders.

[carhill]

She could have told you in person if all this cathartic stuff has totally consumed her. It's not like she didn't have the opportunity, right out there in public.

 

Just sit on it.

 

Don't put yourself in the position of her letting you love her again. Also, don't forget this.

[mullberry]

I've been browsing these forums trying to find some help for my own situation but have discovered a new game 'funniest post' and vote betterdeals "maybe have a wank" as numero uno.

 

I agree with everyones comments, take deep breath, imagine what getting back will be like, how it would work etc. It will undoubtably be easier to find someone else and move on, but perhaps she is worth putting your heart back in harms way again? Good luck.

[Graceful]

Renard, m'love,

 

I remember your situation a few months ago, as we discussed how to how to handle the day your ex was picking up her belongings -- and the way she tried to side step the fact she was already seeing someone.

 

Do you remember how well that went? Even though it was difficult, you were very nice to her, you helped her, and you showed her you had no bitterness toward her, even though you were crushed.

 

So why all the nerve endings now? Why are you tied up in knots? Well, I do understand and I do know, but seriously, if you were all that pleased about this you wouldn't have a stomach ache right now.

 

So here it is: why put so much pressure on yourself? She didn't make a deadline. She just sprung this on you. So just spring back.

 

Frankly, I don't even like the idea that she wrote this all out in an email, I really don't. She couldn't call or tell you she wanted to meet with you? She had to do this online? mmmmm. She's got butterflies?

 

Well, tell her to hold her damn horses, or butterflies, or whatever. She's got a bit of a nerve sending you an email to tell you she wants to get back together with you rather than speak to you, and if that's the best she can do, I'm not sure it's worth getting a stomach ache over. But that's me. I'm sure it was partly that she didn't want to put you on the spot, but frankly, for something this important, I'm just a little cynical.

 

Furthermore, did you run and hide that final day when she picked up her belongings? Um, no, you did not. You were there, you were present, and you sent her off IN PERSON. You did not have to do that, but you did not take the easy way out.

 

So here we are. Little miss "puzzle piece" wants her puzzle piece back, and you know what? Let's just tell her to hold on a little while, b/c you have a life that you've forged ahead with and you worked very hard to create it without her in it. And I might add, this should be the case even if you were not seeing someone. But the fact that you are, well, that's just the icing on the cake for you, because you now know that you have options.

 

As BD said, you have two women who want you. And if you count me, that's three. Just kidding, well, not really, you sound like a real catch, and I'm an incurable flirt.

 

Is there any way she could have found out you are dating? Is there any chance she's coming back with her tail between her legs because she's had a good scare that you're moving on and she may have really lost you if she doesn't put in a bid right away?

 

Maybe you now see that the breakup paved the way for you to see that a new relationship would be better for you. Can you really go back? I mean, that's backwards, you know? Back to a supposed "new" beginning? Would it be "work" -- would you have to try? Would it be natural, would you pick up where you left off? Can you trust her?

 

However, I just spent 8 months 'conquering' those feelings, paving the way for a new me, new interests and hopefully a new love.... and one I may have found, I just don't know yet where we stand relationship wise

 

And first, congratulations for conquering many feelings that your ex crushed in you. And so you know, it's been eight months, what's another month or two? I agree. Tell her you need to think things over. No timetable. She just appears and says "jump" and you're not saying, "how high?" are you? And so what?

 

She's not going to waltz back into your life because she's decided you're too good to pass up afterall. I find that highly amusing, frankly, because we knew it all along, didn't we?

 

YAY for you, Renard. Put your ex on "hold", play some music for her while she waits, and take your time getting back to her. I find the entire thing rather empowering. Don't you?

 

Relax. Take a deep breath. Make your usual plans with your new friend and see how you continue to feel. Give that your full attention. You have plenty of time to flip the switch on your ex. Life is full of surprises, you just got one. Take care.

[Renard99]

Smudge, Betterdeal, EgoJoe, Carhill, Mullberry, thank you so much. Just reading what you've written has calmed me down somewhat and that's before I've even tried any of the advice!

 

And Graceful.......I can't thank you enough. You always say the right thing, putting both my heart and head in line, and your words have a healing property all of their own. This forum is truely a better place for having you around!

[Seraph1]

Is there any way she could have found out you are dating? Is there any chance she's coming back with her tail between her legs because she's had a good scare that you're moving on and she may have really lost you if she doesn't put in a bid right away?

 

Maybe you now see that the breakup paved the way for you to see that a new relationship would be better for you. Can you really go back? I mean, that's backwards, you know? Back to a supposed "new" beginning? Would it be "work" -- would you have to try? Would it be natural, would you pick up where you left off? Can you trust her?

 

 

I completely agree with Graceful. My guess is that she has found out that you are moving on and dating someone new. In her mind your value just went up because another woman wants you and it looks like you want the new woman too!

 

Slow down and think very carefully about this. I've seen this situation before with some of my friends and it didn't work out well. Their exes came back just long enough to destroy the new budding relationship before 'changing' their minds. It's tends to be your ex keeping her options open by making sure that you don't move on and that she can still have you whenever she wants. If you take her back when she says 'jump' you will have taught her that she can leave and come back whenever she wants because you are waiting for her and willing to throw away a new relationship for her.

 

Please remember how badly she hurt you. She clearly didn't see you in her future when she broke up with you...nor did she have the courage to do the right thing and arrange to meet up with you. She's taking the path of the coward... or the snake in the grass. Not a lot in her email took your feelings into account. She was more focussed on what she wanted and hoped you would give her.

 

Even if she didn't want to put you on the spot...a more personal and thought out approach should have been in order. This sounded like a knee jerk reaction that she hasn't much thought about until seeing you. That sort of response doesn't really bode well or make me feel comfortable. And it is setting alarm bells off in your head as well.

 

When I have approached men I broke up with seriously asking for a second chance... I planned it out very carefully and made contact slowly before meeting them and asking them for another chance. I would certainly have never done it through an email. I knew I had hurt them when I broke up...and I knew that if they didn't want to try again the least I could do was grant them the respect they deserved from me. You are worth more than an email written at work. Think about it.

[Nsweet]

When my wife wanted to tell me off and justify her decision to divorce I couldn't handle it. So instead of waiting for her phone call I called and told her I was hanging out with a close friend all weekend and wouldn't be home. She tried to create friction right away and called several times a day from a blocked number. I knew it was her because I had just sent an email telling her I would be back after I was done having fun.

 

Now let me make it very clear, I haven't been dating anyone but I have been talking to attractive female friends of mine. That weekend I was just sitting at home relaxing and thinking of what I could do to save the relationship.

 

What I learned was that jealousy is a method of control when you feel you may be losing something you have. Envy on the other hand is a burning desire for something that isn't yours. I could have easily lost everything with her if I had said the wrong things, which is why I was careful and calculated as could be.

 

Jealousy is control but also a reaction once you have flipped the "desired by other women" attraction switch. People appreciate items that can't be easily won which is where this closely resembles buying pressure,with the exception that once she's on the edge of thinking that you can't be easily attained you qualify her. Something small but significant, for example if you're dating a blond and your ex is a brunette you dq blonds for being ditsy and credit brunette somehow while playing off the compliment to lessen the seriousness. It's not exactly wise to give direct compliments or qualifiers, unless she gives one first, but one indirect every week should be alright. Remember she needs to think that you're slowly turning away from the new girl and not running back to her, but there maybe a possibility if she can win you over.

[Renard99]

I don't think she knows about me beginning dating again. Only 4 people know that I'm dating, and only one of which knew my ex. That one swears blind that he hasn't spoken to her in about a month, meaning before it got serious with the new woman. I've kept all information of me dating away from facebook so no mutual friends know to tell her, and even then, I've blocked the ex so she won't see even if I did.

Of course I can't know for certain, she may have heard from someone else or seen me, but as I say, I find it unlikely.

[Renard99]

Oh, and one othe thing, some are saying that it was 'wrong of her not to meet up' but the end of the email she sent did suggest a meet up to talk over what she'd written. I've got a feeling she knew that if she just came out and said 'do you want to meet up, I have something to say' I'd have said no because she's tried for friendship in the past and I didn't want that.

[Renard99]

Since there is no immediate danger (unless you're in the lion enclosure at the zoo; in which case, you'll have to let me know what wifi router they have cos the range must be terrific!) you can relax.

 

Funny you should say that, the new girl is a zoo keeper and looks after lions and I actually have been in the lion enclosure. Didn't check the wifi though.

[EgoJoe]

I do not believe in coincidence! Check the Wifi!

[Graceful]

Funny you should say that, the new girl is a zoo keeper and looks after lions and I actually have been in the lion enclosure. Didn't check the wifi though.

 

Are you serious? That's too funny.

 

Do you feel a little better today, Renard?

 

And thanks for the further explanations, although I think you may be cutting her too much slack regarding the email. Either way, you don't have to feel any sense of pressure at all, just take your time. Naturally, I am protective of your feelings and want the best for you, but by no means is it a "done deal" one way or the other.

[Seraph1]

And thanks for the further explanations, although I think you may be cutting her too much slack regarding the email. Either way, you don't have to feel any sense of pressure at all, just take your time. Naturally, I am protective of your feelings and want the best for you, but by no means is it a "done deal" one way or the other.

 

I agree with Graceful once again...but I do have to point out that defending your ex and justifying her actions is never a good and healthy sign that you have healed from the previous break-up and see the situation clearly.

 

Tread carefully here. This is your life and current and future happiness that you are playing for! Do you really want to trust a cheater to suddenly tell the truth? I always have to wonder what bad things have happened in their lives that bring them running back for comfort. Maybe I'm cynical but I have been there and done that so to speak. It's fairly easy to see the same tricks being used that I would have applied in the past. I regret my actions now and I dislike watching others being played. It's just not fair or right.

 

Good luck.

[Renard99]

Are you serious? That's too funny.

 

Do you feel a little better today, Renard?

 

And thanks for the further explanations, although I think you may be cutting her too much slack regarding the email. Either way, you don't have to feel any sense of pressure at all, just take your time. Naturally, I am protective of your feelings and want the best for you, but by no means is it a "done deal" one way or the other.

 

Don't feel that much better really, I think Seraph1's got a point, I haven't healed anywhere near as much as I thought I had and that worries me. I really like the new girl and in many ways don't want to lose what we have going, but at the same time, feelings for my ex are clearly still there.

 

I honestly thought I was doing ok until the ex sent me that email. I'd been working so hard to get on with my life. Seems like I wasn't as far along as I thought

 

I've got a feeling I'm going to have to end it with the new girl. She's an excellent person and i'd hate for her to get hurt.

 

I agree with Graceful once again...but I do have to point out that defending your ex and justifying her actions is never a good and healthy sign that you have healed from the previous break-up and see the situation clearly.

 

Tread carefully here. This is your life and current and future happiness that you are playing for! Do you really want to trust a cheater to suddenly tell the truth? I always have to wonder what bad things have happened in their lives that bring them running back for comfort. Maybe I'm cynical but I have been there and done that so to speak. It's fairly easy to see the same tricks being used that I would have applied in the past. I regret my actions now and I dislike watching others being played. It's just not fair or right.

 

Good luck.

 

I know this doesn't look good, considering what has been said about me defending her..... but.... there's no idication at all that she cheated on me, she said she lost the love for me and began seeing me as a friend and roommate.

 

If she had cheated there would be no way I'd have her back.

Edited August 25, 2011 by Renard99
spelling

[blakjak]

first off.... GREAT SUCCESS!!

 

Many dumpees dream of the day that their ex comes back proclaiming their undying love and what not! Whether you want to or not, you're living the dream! congrats!

 

Now on a serious note. I understand your confusion. However, if you still love this woman, I personally would give her a second chance. Now I understand that you are crushing on a new woman and this presents a dilemma. However, it does not sound like you two are serious enough to just simply dismiss the ex. On her own, as you have said, your ex has recognised the problems with the last relationship and cast aside her pride and ego to send you (from what it sounds) a truly passionate and heartfelt email. That takes ALOT of courage knowing full well that you are most likely going to reject her. Some people are saying that she should have done it in person.... But I can understand the email thing. If you do turn her down at least she won't have to deal with the humiliation face to face. She is definitely reaching out to you (waaay out of the comfort zone) and there are feelings on both sides.

 

With the new girl... It was stated that you two kinda started connecting becoz you were both on the bad end of the stick of serious relationships gone sour. Although you two are not actually going out... And it's been quite a while since your respective breakups.... She sounds like an emotional rebound to me. It's like, we are both heartbroken... Let's cling to each other til we are over the heartbreak of our past relationships. No disrespect intended, but it sounds like you both played the part of emotional cushion for each other. Whilst it may all be peaches and cream right now.... I couldn't see this relationship going anywhere for more than 1/2 years.

 

For the reasons above, I say give the ex another chance. Sounds like she went thru alot of soul searching and has the courage to tell you how she feels. From what I understand, the other girl was simply in the same position as you around the same time which provided the connection and helped sparked interest. I don't know this girl, she might be great/lovely/awesome etc. But I do not think the original circumstances of your friendship is a healthy foundation for a serious relationship. That's just my opinion though. Good luck with whatever you choose to do!!

[Renard99]

Thanks Blakjak.

 

I still don't know what to do. I've written a list of pros and cons and I'm still mulling it over

[EgoJoe]

Stop mulling it over and put the decision off. You need distance from the catalyst and the response.