Well, 8 months on she wants me back

[Seraph1]

 

I've got a feeling I'm going to have to end it with the new girl. She's an excellent person and i'd hate for her to get hurt.

 

 

You're already going to hurt her which is unfair given that you know how painful it is to be on the recieving end of a break-up. However, I say do it now and not drag her through your indecision and mixed signals. She deserves a lot better than that.

 

I can tell you that I sent the same 'heartfelt email' after some low pressure contact to try again after 18 months of strict NC but only after I had met with them to discuss the possibilty of reconciliation. It was a 2 year relationship. I can also point out that it doesn't change the broken trust and that rebuilding that trust will be almost impossible. We lasted 3 months once we reconciled.

 

We both put in the work but once attraction is gone it is hard to get back and you need to rely on the bond of attachment which is comfortable and strong...but very unfulfilling if you can't bring more to it. As a 24 year old woman at the time... once I viewed him as a sibling... it was hard to see him as anything else and in my heart: I wanted him to be someone else.

 

And yes, I was the one that initially broke up with him and then came back 18 months later. Why? Because my life was scary and not turning out the way I planned and I expected that because he loved me so much...that he would still be there for me. Yeah, I'm guilty of offering the false second chance in order to use him until I could get what I really wanted. If she knows you've started dating... she'll be even more frantic and desperate to get you back and get validation that she is a good and wonderful woman. Your 'wonderfulness' wears off when someone new comes along that expresses serious interest.

 

I've seen quite a few second chances work out...normally they are for very short relationships that haven't really blossomed yet or where the attraction and love between two people never left only the circumstances (work/family death) made it impossible for the relationship to continue at that stage.

 

Love is a strange animal and attraction even more so. Sometimes we cling so hard to our hopes, dreams and ideals of the other person that we fail to see the reality and truth.

 

You have a hard decision before you but I feel that you have already made it. Good luck with your ex.

[Seraph1]

 

Many dumpees dream of the day that their ex comes back proclaiming their undying love and what not! Whether you want to or not, you're living the dream!

 

 

I'm presently 'living the dream' too. Everything that you ever wanted with them... they are suddenly and magically offering to you on a silver platter!

 

There is a particularly saying that comes to mind: Be careful what you wish for!

 

My choice? I choose me and a more realistic chance at a happy and fulfilled future. I choose not to waste my precious time on people that did not value me enough in the first place. I choose not to believe that I am the exception to the rule... because in being the exception you realise exactly what 'the rule' is.

[EgoJoe]

I know that "exception" circumstances are never just one exception either.

 

I'd like to hear more about your opinion about that though Seraph.

[active_frm]

mesajınız için teşekkürler. yararlı buldum

[Graceful]

Renard,

 

If you honestly no longer feel that you can take your current crush to the next level, then I can understand why you will break it off. She sounds lovely and I just hope you are sure.

 

However, this doesn't mean you're ready to get back with your ex, either, if I understand your confusion. You have not healed and therefore, you cannot go back to your ex now, that would be a mistake. And big one.

 

Your ex hurt you, she left you, and she friend zoned you. In order to get the spark back, it's going to take more than an email and a promise. You're not healed and no sparks are going to fly with your ex, believe me. You're going to feel empty and I'd be very surprised if you feel you can trust her at this point.

 

Frankly, if you break off with your current crush because that's the only fair thing to do, then do it. Then tell your ex you're not ready to make any decisions about your future with her, that it's way too soon, but that you'd like to at least get together to talk; I don't see how you can get anything straight in your head with out seeing her.

 

It's very hard to make a comeback from the friend zone, but it can be done. But remember, you were on the path to asking your ex to marry you this year. Do you think you can ever go back and capture that feeling? Just because she has butterflies, doesn't mean you do. Yes, you have feelings for your ex, no surprise there. But are they nostalgic feelings, or are they real feelings that will launch you into the future with her? You should feel like tripping over yourself to get to her, frantic, giddy and romantically in love. Nothing less, absolutely nothing less. Falling back in love, the two of you -- that's the challenge.

 

Maybe it won't be, who knows? But don't be satisfied with taking her back, just because she came knocking. That just won't do. Keep us updated, and remember, there's no rush. None at all.

 

I know this doesn't look good, considering what has been said about me defending her..... but.... there's no idication at all that she cheated on me, she said she lost the love for me and began seeing me as a friend and roommate.

[EgoJoe]

I had a thought for Renard in addition to putting this decision off.

 

IF you decide to reconcile, you are the man and things are 100% your way for a full YEAR (within reason) and if she can't commit to your terms then she's not coming from the right place with all this.

[betterdeal]

I'd hate to have all that responsibility, Joe. I'd state my terms of engagement clearly when at the negotiating stage, but demanding you have control of the other person for a year is ridiculous.

 

If you don't trust them enough to not have a condition like that, it's a relationship that will make you miserable.

 

Terms such as "this is monogamous or it's not at all" are fine. That's a need you want met. Terms such as "you will obey me" will give you a mindless automaton if accepted. I mean, get a blow up doll if that's what you want.

[EgoJoe]

That is not what I meant but I see how it's conveyed. I'm just saying, she cheated on him and if she really wants him back she'll agree but contest about being reasonable. If she just wants "comfort" she'll run for the hills at having to try and to prove herself.

 

I suppose I could have expressed what I meant better.

[betterdeal]

Thanks for clarifying! A lot of the upset in relationships does come from misunderstanding. Us men especially have a tendency to overstate our feelings in a way we think sounds powerful, but comes across as a bit ridiculous.

 

My condition would be I wouldn't be interested unless she'd been single and not involved with any men for at least 6 months. And that would include close friendships with men. I'd want someone who can stand on her own two feet. When she's strong enough to do that, she's strong enough to have a fully fledged relationship replete with ups and downs and boring bits as well as love, affection and passion.

[Graceful]

Good points, BD.

 

Funny, but on another board, I was reading about boundaries yesterday -- and the diff between a boundary and an ultimatum. Sometimes a fine line, so the important thing is to clearly communicate what you need, overall, and what your expectations are for a new beginning.

 

Bottom line: Renard is the one who needs to clarify and then communicate what his expectations are and what is needed to build a new foundation for trust and love. No relationship that faltered is going to magically improve on the old foundation that crumbled.

 

EgoJoe, she didn't cheat, but she did bail, thought there was something better "out there" and friend zoned Renard. She also dated, although we don't know what happened to the guy or how long they dated. I thought what you meant was along the lines: since Renard was dumped, he's the one who needs to set up the boundaries and speak up for what he needs to make a try for a second chance. The ex doesn't get to call the shots.

 

But nothing good can come of a reconciliation unless both parties agree to the guidelines, follow them respectfully, take things seriously, and take things slowly.

 

In any event, Renard: you need to empower yourself.

[EgoJoe]

Betterdeal: No problem and I agree!

 

Graceful: That is essentially what I meant because it's obvious that Renard loves the girl. I just don't want to see him walking on eggshells. The power will have to balance out but in the mean time I think he needs to be strong throughout the process.

 

If anything reasonable he wants does not work for her, wave the white flag at her red flag.

 

Side note: I'm guilty of being brief in my posts as I am in between things.