An Affair in Japan

[kawasakiblues]

Hello. This is my first post.

 

My affair started a year ago. I'm an American living in Tokyo. I joined a website to make friends, and met a married woman.

 

She told me she was married from the start. At first, I had no intention of having an affair. I was single, 29 years old. I was just excited to receive an email from a Japanese woman who was interested in talking to me. She said she was 28 on her profile.

 

We met in Yokohama, on a famous pier overlooking the bay. She was very beautiful, and courageous enough to speak in what little English she knew. We saw each other again over the course of a few weeks. I learned that she was actually 38. Her husband, absorbed in his work, lived in another city. This is sometimes common in Japan, and men tend to be married to their jobs. I discovered that she had lived alone for five years while he was away, with him only visiting on the weekends. It was not the first time in their 12 year marriage either.

 

I, out of a year long relationship, and suffering from loneliness in a place where I cannot speak, became enamored with her. I took her hand on the rocks overlooking the beach, and kissed her. I knew it was wrong, and felt ashamed and guilty. She said in Japanese, "I am sorry. I am sorry. I am married.", though she kissed me back.

 

Three meetings later, and she wanted to come home with me. I knew it was wrong, but I became weak, as I still am. I told her, "This is wrong. I cannot. " She gripped my hand on the train as we traveled back to our respective stations. I told her to get out at her transfer stop. The doors opened, but she held tightly to my hand. I caved in. I know I was as responsible as she was.

 

And so it developed. We would meet almost every Wednesday. We had many wonderful days together, and I felt something that I had not felt in the three years I have been here. I felt needed. I felt like I had an anchor here, someone in my life I could love. Life can be tough when you are a stranger amongst millions you cannot communicate effectively with. She needed me too. I was a replacement for a husband who was rarely home.

 

She has no children. In fact, she had wanted a child for many years. Not being a woman, and never knowing what it is like to not be able to have a child, I can only feel a deep sympathy for her. It brings me to tears when I think of the deep scar left behind from a cesarean section that left her with a stillbirth. I keep telling myself I would never of had the affair if she had children. Yet who knows. I never thought I could have an affair in the first place, and this is where I am now.

 

She has tried in vitro fertilization again and again. She has had no luck, and it is very stressful for her. I kept saying to myself, "How could I continue this? How could I be so evil? She is trying to become pregnant."

 

One day, she came to my place. We made love. She bled a little on the bed, and broke down in tears. I thought her period was approaching, and tried to comfort her. I couldn't imagine why she was so upset. And then she told me. She was about a week pregnant via in vitro.

 

I felt sick, as I had never felt in my life. I felt like killing myself, as if it were I who killed the child. There is no way of knowing if it was then and there that the embryo was lost. Mentally, though, it was. And I was responsible. A future child's life on my hands. She did not tell me she was possibly pregnant. This, I know, I never would have done. I never would have slept with her if I knew she was pregnant.

 

However the pain, we could only find comfort in each other. We continued the affair. We try to leave each other, and every goodbye is a tearful occasion. Every day apart is pain for us both.

 

Now, she is trying to get pregnant again. I know it now, and will not sleep with her. I don't want to say it, but it is most likely impossible that she will get pregnant, especially at her age. This has been her great sorrow. I love her very much, and want to do as much as I can to comfort her in her grief.

 

She tells me she does not love her husband. She tells me she wants a divorce. I know these things, albeit easier in Japan, are in no ways easy at all. I tell her that I, an English teacher, cannot provide for her in the ways her husband does. She will lose her apartment, the respect of her parents, everything comfortable in her life to be with me. She wants to have my baby, and not his. Yet, as much as I want to give her that happiness, I am not ready for a baby. I have no right to make a baby, not only because she is married, but because I cannot afford to take care of one. It would be a struggle, and unfair to the child. I only want to give a child the best I can in a happy situation.

 

I may want a child later in life. But she is 39 now, and could not get pregnant in the past. This is not the most important issue in my reasoning for wanting to end the affair, though. I love her. I cannot stand the guilt anymore though.

 

She tells me her husband is kind. He is a hard worker. When I think about how much he must want a child too, I feel an incredible weight of guilt. I know I am responsible. I don't seek to escape blame in anyway.

 

She is telling me she will get a divorce. She has given me an ultimatum. I don't know what to do! I love her, but I must think of our age gap, my eventual return to the United States, and especially, her security, safety, and life here. After all, she may be pregnant now. It will be four more weeks or so before we know if the procedure was successful.

 

I am sick with guilt, but I love her very much. Please help me. I know what I did was wrong, and I am sorry for it. I really need help.

[Owl]

What help are you looking for? What advice, what support are you hoping to get from LS? What's your "goal" out of all of this?

 

That's your first step...figuring out what it is that you want out of all of this...and therefore what it is that you'd like LS to be able to help you figure out.

[StoneCold]

Buddy you need to bounce

 

Shes a lonely Japanese housewife that doesnt get cock and is fascinated with the difference in how foreignors treat women. These women are everywhere in Japan....this was just sex...now she wants a baby???

 

you gotta go

 

If its of any consolation to you... her hubby is may quite likely be visiting soaplands with his buddies and has an "arrangement" with a young girl looking for extra cash...

Edited August 23, 2011 by StoneCold

[Memphis Raines]

well if you want to be with a woman who is a cheater in the first place, it will happen to you eventually when she gets bored with you too.

 

so maybe you can do her husband a favor and take her off his hands for him so he can find someone decent.

[Woman In Blue]

Gosh, I can see why you love this perfect example of a womanhood - from her profile looking for "friends" where she was lying about her age (claiming to be 28 years old when she was 38), right down to hopping into bed with you only a week after having a procedure to become medically impregnated.

 

Now that's a woman every man wants to bring home to mom! Honestly I never realized that women can behave like such pigs.

 

Call a spade a spade. You were lonely and looking for 'companionship' and you found it in the form of a lying cheater. Golly, don't let this one slip through your fingers.