carson2002 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 The background is this - wife walked away after 31 years to start a new life about four months ago with all the usual ILYBDLY trappings. she moved two hundred miles away to be with (what i thought) was her family. she always denied an affair before she left but even without evidence I suspected that she had been having at least an EA with occasional physical contact (trips to visit mom)for a couple of months before leaving. I've had NC with her for the last ten weeks (her doing not mine) and believed she was carving out a new life for herself which i kind of respected (putting herself out there doing what needed to be done) even if she had an OM in the background. Today i found out that when she left she simply moved from my couch in the morning to the OM's couch in the evening. when she left she said she didn't want any of her stuff and i thought that this was the guilt talking and she would want it later but apparently she didn't need it because she's simply moved into another home, so while i was still worrying that she was making it she was simply crashed out in front of his big screen TV enjoying life. The only change for her seems to be having a new man and no responsibilities - she gave up her job and now she doesn't seem have to contribute anything other than occasionally putting out and a bit of housework no bill's no worries. (she left me with 40K worth of debt) The question i have is how to cope best with this situation? I could deal with just the OM thing (lots of focused anger) and the seperation (working through the grief process) but to be so Comprehensively replaced with such apparent ease has kind of left me a little shocked and stunned. To kiss me on the cheek the morning she left to living as man and wife with someone else in a ready made family (this guy has a Grown up son living with him) in the evening is beyond belief and i'm struggling on this one. I just feel so full of rage and for the first time in my life i feel that i actually hate someone (STBXW) and i've never really hated anyone before, so that's a new emotion to deal with as well! Need some guidance to get over this hump, it's not that i didn't expect that she and the OM would be together, it's just that it was so fast! Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 dude, I'm sorry. I've known my wife for 20 years. I can't fathom an additional 11 years and her pulling that. My recommendation: do as I did (and others have done), and read tons of posts here. There is a goldmine of good advice and calming, supportive, good-hearted encouragement. I've been here since January and I've been amazed by the good will of so many people. Link to post Share on other sites
Tiberius Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 She thinks it will last. Guys who are well off usually change their women like they change their big screen tivos. Link to post Share on other sites
jpundun Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Damn that is cold. It just goes to prove that you never really know someone. If I was in your position I would undoubtedly have a great deal of hate for her too. It makes you wonder about marriage and trusting people. If my spouse did something like that, which she hasn't up to this point, I would probably go berserk, before I managed to get myself under control, not because there was OM but because of what and how she did it. I don't know but I think that I would take that kind of treatment to mean that she was really trying to destroy me. What it shows to me that she had total disregard for you and your feelings. Obviously the only thing that matters to her is her. If or should I say when the OM drops her like a hot potatoe and she realizes what she has done was a gross mistake she may try to come back. From my point of view though for me if that kind of callous treatment was shown towards me like your spouse did to you there would be no coming back. In fact I would try to make her life as miserable as she made mine for as long as I could. I feel really bad for you. Regardless of what went on in your marriage that type of treatment was uncalled for. Take care and stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
dub 1 Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 (edited) I married a woman who was verycontrolling & manipulative. I got much stressed while dating her as her exwas divorced from her but still living in house. The have 3 children teenagers.She was having an affair with a married guy before I dated her which I knewnothing off. She dated me ended the affair to which she wanted to get pregnantby that guy so he would have to leave his wife. Lucky him it did not happen. I dated her & she instantlywanted to get pregnant even though we were in our forties. I got much stressedwith sex & having to perform on the spot & she also lived in another country.Well I was so in love with her or I was going insane with her abusive behaviour.I married her she had no job it was pretty abusive never physically but dammentally. I was not allowed my teenage sonsor grandson or anyone to visit my home. She got us to move 70 miles away fromthe big city. She demanded I give her brother a big loan of money which Irefused.WW3 broke out for over a year of horrific mental abuse. I would love to know has anyoneexperienced there partner moving furniture upstairs & locking it into rooms.Locking rooms so I could not get in there. Taking bed clothing of spare beds sono one could visit & taking clothes she bought for me & locking themaway. For me the abuse continue forover a year until she tried to get me to sign over a bigger percentage of myhome to her & her children who live in another country. Sorry to go on but I need helpwith my emotions on this. I filed for separation & it took nearly two yearsto get to court. She went mad moving my stuff locking doors leaving horribleletters around the house. I got abusive texts that sickened me. She left me to return to hercountry but only stayed away a few months. She returned looking healthier &sexier than ever. I was foolish to think she was not with anyone else. ]Then when it got close to courtshe was not working since three years. She started to have an affair with alocal guy who is unemployed so it worked easy for her in the day. She wouldleave after I went to work stay the day with guy & return before I got homefrom work. The end was as weird as she triedto clear me out of everything in my house. She got an amount of money & Igot house. She has moved into the guy’s house nearby. I find dealing with allmy emotions especially jealousy very hard.Her walking around town holdinghands with new guy is so hard & makes my blood boil. How can a woman tell me she lovesme to bits & then abuse me so much? Walk out of a marriage & straightinto what looks like a new great loving relationship. All she told me was lies that sheis not allowed live with a guy according to her religion. She left her childrenfor me & now still has not returned to them. Please anyone out there make anysense of what I have written??? Edited August 27, 2011 by dub 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author carson2002 Posted August 27, 2011 Author Share Posted August 27, 2011 Wife was down today to pick up the last of her stuff. I didn't see her though because i'd moved it down to my daughters so she didn't have to come to the house. Felt a bit low like the last threads were breaking but I'm determined to move on. NC is no problem as she seems to be happy in her new life and has cut of all communication for months. She doesn't even give much away to my adult daughters and is remaining very guarded. I now have a couple of new problems though. I've got back into old hobbies and started new ones, I'm back in the gym and I'm trying to get back out there but after thirty years as a couple I'm finding it hard to meet people, also I keep feeling guilty about spending so much time on myself, after so long sharing my time and giving things up to do couple stuff I feel kind of selfish just passing time alone and doing stuff for me. any suggestions how to get over this? Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 I now have a couple of new problems though. I've got back into old hobbies and started new ones, I'm back in the gym and I'm trying to get back out there but after thirty years as a couple I'm finding it hard to meet people, also I keep feeling guilty about spending so much time on myself, after so long sharing my time and giving things up to do couple stuff I feel kind of selfish just passing time alone and doing stuff for me. any suggestions how to get over this? old hobbies, new hobbies, back to the gym, so far it sounds like you are doing the right thing.... feeling guilty? maybe it's not guilt but just feeling a bit awkward. There's nothing selfish about what you are doing - if you can't get over the feeling of selfishness then drop one of the new hobbies and use that time to volunteer at a homeless shelter or a cancer ward. There is nothing you need to "get over" (I'm talking about your specific example above of course you still need to get over the pain of the split) - you are going in the right direction, stay the course.... many people turn inside in times like these, they turn to addictions and shut themselves out of the world, as far as meeting people as long as you keep exploring the things you are doing that will eventually come, and give it another year or so before you start dating, keep the focus on YOU! you are doing great! hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
sadhubby Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 hang in there man her day will come, by then you will have something new. stay away from isolation keep busy it is what helped me. mine cleaned out my house at first i was pissed but then realized there was no memory's there wow that was freeing . get all her crap and throw it out you don't need it. Link to post Share on other sites
broken140 Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 It is hard to be replaced and I struggle with this as well. I was married for 11 years and my husband left me. He absoultely denied that he was having an affair but within days of forcing me out of the house and taking my babies away his "maid" friend as he referred to her in court moved in. My kids were brain washed to lie about it and now 3 years later they are married and still brain washing the kids and fighting with me in court. I guess I don't have answers for you except pray and find strength in God. It really helps me to stay busy. I am much happier when I don't have a lot of time to think about it. The background is this - wife walked away after 31 years to start a new life about four months ago with all the usual ILYBDLY trappings. she moved two hundred miles away to be with (what i thought) was her family. she always denied an affair before she left but even without evidence I suspected that she had been having at least an EA with occasional physical contact (trips to visit mom)for a couple of months before leaving. I've had NC with her for the last ten weeks (her doing not mine) and believed she was carving out a new life for herself which i kind of respected (putting herself out there doing what needed to be done) even if she had an OM in the background. Today i found out that when she left she simply moved from my couch in the morning to the OM's couch in the evening. when she left she said she didn't want any of her stuff and i thought that this was the guilt talking and she would want it later but apparently she didn't need it because she's simply moved into another home, so while i was still worrying that she was making it she was simply crashed out in front of his big screen TV enjoying life. The only change for her seems to be having a new man and no responsibilities - she gave up her job and now she doesn't seem have to contribute anything other than occasionally putting out and a bit of housework no bill's no worries. (she left me with 40K worth of debt) The question i have is how to cope best with this situation? I could deal with just the OM thing (lots of focused anger) and the seperation (working through the grief process) but to be so Comprehensively replaced with such apparent ease has kind of left me a little shocked and stunned. To kiss me on the cheek the morning she left to living as man and wife with someone else in a ready made family (this guy has a Grown up son living with him) in the evening is beyond belief and i'm struggling on this one. I just feel so full of rage and for the first time in my life i feel that i actually hate someone (STBXW) and i've never really hated anyone before, so that's a new emotion to deal with as well! Need some guidance to get over this hump, it's not that i didn't expect that she and the OM would be together, it's just that it was so fast! Link to post Share on other sites
scottishguy Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 Hi carson2002, i can understand completely what you have been through, there are some uncanny similarities in both our situations. As for moving on, i suppose its only something you can do when you feel ready, but i personally am very cautious of jumping out of the frying pan and into the frier. We all need someone, but look at it the other way and enjoy your new found freedom. I'm a couple of months in and am starting to realise that in many ways my life is better, and would advise you to concentrate on that. People will notice and appreciate you more if you keep up your positive outlook, no matter how difficult it is at times. Link to post Share on other sites
jaymz Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 Today i found out that when she left she simply moved from my couch in the morning to the OM's couch in the evening. when she left she said she didn't want any of her stuff and i thought that this was the guilt talking and she would want it later but apparently she didn't need it because she's simply moved into another home, so while i was still worrying that she was making it she was simply crashed out in front of his big screen TV enjoying life. The only change for her seems to be having a new man and no responsibilities - she gave up her job and now she doesn't seem have to contribute anything other than occasionally putting out and a bit of housework no bill's no worries. (she left me with 40K worth of debt) The question i have is how to cope best with this situation? I could deal with just the OM thing (lots of focused anger) and the seperation (working through the grief process) but to be so Comprehensively replaced with such apparent ease has kind of left me a little shocked and stunned. I find the replacement one of the hardest things to come to terms with. When i found out about my stbxw she was telling me things like "i have taken you off the family holiday in october and put scumbag on it". I was stunned by the whole affair thing and she had thought so far ahead it was untrue. She wanted me to move out of the house and move him in "for the sake of the children", i won that battle, she would have him round for dinner with her parents when I was at work. To kiss me on the cheek the morning she left to living as man and wife with someone else in a ready made family (this guy has a Grown up son living with him) in the evening is beyond belief and i'm struggling on this one. She had been planning this. She kept you sweet until she was ready to move. Why people are this callous i do not know. Mine had a similar plan but i found out about the affair before she was ready. I just feel so full of rage and for the first time in my life i feel that i actually hate someone (STBXW) and i've never really hated anyone before, so that's a new emotion to deal with as well! Need some guidance to get over this hump, it's not that i didn't expect that she and the OM would be together, it's just that it was so fast! Its hard. you need to remember that while the OM is scum, its your wife that made all the decisions. When i'm out I have been hit on occasionly, I say "thanks but I am married", never been tempted. Your wife choose to see this guy, kept you happy why she worked out if he was right for her before going off. All planned. Horrible. I feel for you. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 Carson, this would make your wife in her 50's correct? Who did she leave you for? Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 you need to remember that while the OM is scum, its your wife that made all the decisions. . we can't imagine the things these OM's have been told - they are scum for putting themselves between two people in a failing marriage that's for sure but other than that many are just gullible. They are usually the easily manipulated and have the "fixer" personality. They hear the sob story, they believe how their new "friend" has been wronged and they want to play the "knight" or "lady" in shining armor. It's a recipe for disaster where we have a liar on one side and a needy person on the other trying to make it work, that's why 2nd marriages have a much higher divorce rate... Link to post Share on other sites
jaymz Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 we can't imagine the things these OM's have been told This is very true. I know I am painted as the "villain" by the stbxw to the OM, her family, friends etc. She has even told me herself exactly what she thinks, even though its all lies, rewrite of our history etc. they are scum for putting themselves between two people in a failing marriage that's for sure but other than that many are just gullible. They are usually the easily manipulated and have the "fixer" personality. They hear the sob story, they believe how their new "friend" has been wronged and they want to play the "knight" or "lady" in shining armor. It's a recipe for disaster where we have a liar on one side and a needy person on the other trying to make it work, that's why 2nd marriages have a much higher divorce rate... In my case scumbag has left his wife of 12 years and 3 kids to shack up with my stbxw, not sure about carson as he doesn't say. Their story is of two desperately unhappy people who have found soul mates in each other and are now deliriously happy together, escaping their evil other halfs who are, to this day, trying to make their lives a misery. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carson2002 Posted August 28, 2011 Author Share Posted August 28, 2011 Carson, this would make your wife in her 50's correct? Who did she leave you for? Yeah she's 52 this year - I dont know who he is I just know the street they now live in. I dont know how they met either it could have been online - which would be annoying as I bought her both her computer and I-phone that she used to contact him - but she also has family where she is now and used to visit without me (doh!) I'm not that bothered in finding out, although i could as I have his cell No and it would be easy to trace but the deed is done it doesn't matter who he is as JAYMZ says the choice was hers. She could have chosen a different way to deal with this but took the easiest route for her. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 Carson & Jaymz...just remember, as easily as they left you (and me), is exactly how easily they will leave OM...and how easily he will leave them. Once a cheater...always a cheater... We have the opportunity to learn from this, improve our next relationship (when we decide we're mentally & emotionally ready for another person) and we will end up much happier than them. Once their honeymoon phase wears off (took my stbx about 9 months), they will realize that they're still unhappy and that OM hasn't "fixed" everything. Because the problem isn't in the relationship, it's with THEM. Take advantage of this opportunity to spend some time remembering who YOU are. What makes YOU happy and how amazing life is. You don't NEED someone to be a part of your life (like they do) in order to be happy. Get happy and confident with yourself. Happiness is yours to find in reality...in the real world...in day-to-day life. Not in the fog of a new relationship with someone who is willing to give ALL of their attention to the relationship...for now...that doesn't last. Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 Once their honeymoon phase wears off (took my stbx about 9 months), they will realize that they're still unhappy and that OM hasn't "fixed" everything. Because the problem isn't in the relationship, it's with THEM. that pretty much sums it up... to those of you who are in the beginnings of a broken marriage where your spouse has chosen another please read the above as a warning, do not look at it as something to give you hope that their new relationship will fail and they'll be back someday... the new relationship will be no better than what they just left, most likely worse. They may stay with the new person until death do them part or they may be with a new "soul mate" in 3 months... the thing is if they are ever available again YOU need to be in a place where you have moved on and would never consider taking them back... 15 years passed and I let someone who hurt be back into my life, it took a few weeks before I realized she was the same person, actually even more bitter, she is out of my life now and I'm actually relieved to have her gone... a cheater is a cheater - who knows what the numbers are, maybe 10% can change - the thing is you need to get to a point in your life where you value yourself more than giving yourself a 10% shot at happiness... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 Yeah she's 52 this year - I dont know who he is I just know the street they now live in. I dont know how they met either it could have been online - which would be annoying as I bought her both her computer and I-phone that she used to contact him - but she also has family where she is now and used to visit without me (doh!) I'm not that bothered in finding out, although i could as I have his cell No and it would be easy to trace but the deed is done it doesn't matter who he is as JAYMZ says the choice was hers. She could have chosen a different way to deal with this but took the easiest route for her. I don't blame you. I was just wondering because of her age. I thought maybe it was an old flame she hooked up with because it's rare someone her age would start cheating. Or maybe it isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carson2002 Posted August 28, 2011 Author Share Posted August 28, 2011 I don't blame you. I was just wondering because of her age. I thought maybe it was an old flame she hooked up with because it's rare someone her age would start cheating. Or maybe it isn't. I was married to her for 31 years but knew her for 35 (we were at school together) so to my knowledge she only ever had one other boyfriend. That said I was in the Navy for 25 years and spent a lot of time away, up to this point I'd always had complete faith in her and never doubted that she'd been faithfull (plus she had kids around pretty much from a year after we were married) but with hindsight who knows, this could be an old flame from those times that I never knew about. After recent events the whole marriage has to be viewed with an open mind. As to taking her back, that doesn't register, I'd never be able to trust her again, every late night from work, text or phonecall would be viewed with suspicion. I'd wonder what she was doing at work during the day and would worry every time she claimed to be going away on courses or a night out with the girls. That's no way to live plus if she did try to come back i think it would only be if it all went wrong and she would just use me and my money (what she left of it) as a staging post before she went again. so i'm just trying to get to the point where if she did try to come back i can tell her to P*** off. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 As to taking her back, that doesn't register, I'd never be able to trust her again...so i'm just trying to get to the point where if she did try to come back i can tell her to P*** off. Excellent carson...realizing that she isn't worthy of you anymore because of her actions is a BIG step towards realizing that you're better off without her and she has done you a favor. Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
Author carson2002 Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 (edited) Spent the day Beachcombing and generally bumming about down the ocean with one of my daughters and grandkids which made for a good day out. The grandkids have just come back from a week with my wife and OM and I purposefully avoided any questions but you know kids, they just chatter away and i learnt a couple of things just by letting them go on. It looks like stilafool was right. The guy she is with was the guy she kicked to the curb to go out with and then marry me over 30 years ago (the guy was a cock then and seems to be a cock now). While going through a lot of posts here on LS i've seen people say that cheaters trade down and it looks as if this is the case here. The house she's now in is smaller than mine and is in a poor state of repair. Although he can drive he doesn't because it gives him headaches(?) so she's lost the use of a vehicle and has to take public transport or walk everywhere. she still hasn't got a job and they don't seem to do much at home plus my daughter says apart from getting heavier she hasn't changed her appearance (or attitude ) in any way. This should make me feel better but in fact makes me feel worse, after all whats he giving her that she's willing to give up everything here for? My only thought is that this is the lost cat scenario. I've always been kind of independent within the marriage, my kids are all grown up and the grandkids are now older maybe she needs someone to look after and nurture? I still don't know how they met up but i'm guessing it was initially on somewhere like facebook or friends reunited, They got together on one of her weekends to visit "mom" (he only lives a twenty minute walk away from her parents house) and it went from there. It really pisses me off knowing that i'm going to have to give up my house to make his better and that if she attaches my earnings that my money will be going to support this loser. This has definatly put me back on the anger trail for today. Edited August 29, 2011 by carson2002 Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I still don't know how they met up but i'm guessing it was initially on somewhere like facebook or friends reunited, They got together on one of her weekends to visit "mom" (he only lives a twenty minute walk away from her parents house) and it went from there. It really pisses me off knowing that i'm going to have to give up my house to make his better and that if she attaches my earnings that my money will be going to support this loser. This has definatly put me back on the anger trail for today. I'm glad your getting some of the anger out by posting here - that is a good move. If this is what she chose then I'd say good riddance... often a cheater doesn't cheat to be with someone "better" but they are running from something, people like your wife and many of the ex's here need to figure out what their problem is and they need to do it by being ALONE. They bring another person in the picture because 1) they are weak 2) the other person is their 'yes' man/woman and will give them pity (which they view as support)... she has given you a chance to be your own man now, you don't need another person to validate yourself... have fun, reflect on the past, heal and enjoy the grandkid... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Carson what I'm seeing is a middle aged woman who has fantasied about recapturing her youth by reconnecting with the man she thought was her soulmate. I would be willing to bet that her fantasy has come crashing down when placed dead smack in the reality of it with her so called soulmate. She very well may wish she had her old life back with you but realizes how foolish she would look to come running back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carson2002 Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 I think what you guy's are saying is probably true. I just need to keep moving on After all she's the one missing out. The grandkids i was with today have said that they don't want to go back and visit with her again and my youngest daughter who is still living with me has started to ignore her moms texts and calls and refuses to call her back even though i've tried to persuade her to keep communication open. I guess she's feeling rejected too seeing as the OM has a son of about the same age living with them and who my wife is now treating as her own. I have said to all my daughters that whatever kind of relationship they want to have with their mom is fine by me and that i dont expect them to take any sides. The final bombshell of the day is that she's now told two of my daughters that her dad has lung cancer (he's in his 90's) but hasn't felt the need to tell me. Now I really don't know how to handle that one at all. If she's not told me I guess she doesn't want me involved but I feel kind of disrespectful not offering my condolances to her family and I don't want them to feel that I don't care, after all I've known them for thirty + years even if lately they seem to be avoiding contact of any kind. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Prepare yourself, I suspect that within six months she will be wanting to come back. Her new life space does not sound all that appealing, and eventually enough will be enough. She rejected him in the past, and that reason is still there in the back of her head You have so much more to offer The grandkids say they don't want to go back, and your daughters sound hesitant, guess who they will spend Christmas with? Also, I realize that divorce laws are different across the pond, but why won't she be responsible for half of the $40K debt. Link to post Share on other sites
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