Dealing with being replaced

[andyg99]

comments in BOLD

 

I think what you guy's are saying is probably true. I just need to keep moving on After all she's the one missing out. The grandkids i was with today have said that they don't want to go back and visit with her again and my youngest daughter who is still living with me has started to ignore her moms texts and calls and refuses to call her back even though i've tried to persuade her to keep communication open.

 

stay neutral on this - let your daughter decide either way, by trying to persuade her to keep the contact open you are discounting her feelings on this. If she chooses to ignore her that is for her and her mom to work out.

 

I guess she's feeling rejected too seeing as the OM has a son of about the same age living with them and who my wife is now treating as her own. I have said to all my daughters that whatever kind of relationship they want to have with their mom is fine by me and that i dont expect them to take any sides.

 

Good - just give your youngest the same option

 

The final bombshell of the day is that she's now told two of my daughters that her dad has lung cancer (he's in his 90's) but hasn't felt the need to tell me.

 

Now I really don't know how to handle that one at all. If she's not told me I guess she doesn't want me involved but I feel kind of disrespectful not offering my condolances to her family and I don't want them to feel that I don't care, after all I've known them for thirty + years even if lately they seem to be avoiding contact of any kind.

 

Just send a card with a short note saying that your have your father-in-law in your prayers. Nothing else needs to be said.

 

[Lucid1]

WorldGoneWrong has got it right. This is a great place to share and to see what other people are going through, and there are some very compassionate and understanding folks on here. It's been a great place for me to process things when my exwife did something very similar. I have read a million of these posts and am struck by how many of us are in similar situations and have to deal with the same emotions. (Seems like WTF is one of the more common responses to a wife doing what yours and mine did.)

 

Good luck!

[Steen719]

Yes, do send a note letting your in-laws know that you are thinking of them. She can't tell you that you can't do that and they did not leave you, she did.

 

I think many people reconnect with their "lost loves" via facebook; my H did with a few!!

 

Why can't people get older anymore without looking for lost youth? It is ridiculous. I get discouraged coming to these threads. However, if it wasn't for so many of you guys who have been good husbands and faithful, I don't think I would ever even look at another man.

 

BTW, my son has begun to distance himself from his Dad. I have let him decide what he wants to make his relationship with him be, but he has not liked what his dad has done to me. Honesty and forthrightness could have prevented some of that,

 

Hang in there. Some day in the future, this will not hurt as bad as it does today.

[carson2002]

sent this e-mail to her sister reference her dad:

 

Hi, not expecting an E-mail back and there won't be anymore from me after this so don't worry.

 

******* & ******* have just told me about your dad. **** Hasn't so I guess she doesn't want me involved. That said I've known you all for a long time and I wouldn't feel right without saying how sorry I am to hear your bad news and send my sympathies to your mom and the rest of you. Be strong and look after each other. ****** sends her love.

 

****

[carson2002]

Feeling really alone and isolated today. All of the anger of the last weeks seems to have disolved away but there is nothing left in it's place.

 

All of my emotions regarding my wife, what she has done and the fact that she is now living as man and wife with an old flame seem to have flatlined and it's as if there is a big empty nothingness in my core i can't seem to feel anything at all about it now.

 

I don't really know where to go from here. I don't see what doing anything is going to achieve. I'm not ready for a new relationship but feel the need to have a purpose. I suppose thats what i miss, having someone around and a reason to do things either for them or with them.

 

really in a trough today guys any advice would be appreciated

[debtman]

carson2002, sorry for that. Just remember, you're still adjusting to the new situation. What you're doing is DEALING with the emotions. That's something your W has completely avoided, which is why she can be so distant and removed.

 

You're becoming a better person out of this. You're learning that the ONLY person that can control your happiness is YOU. Hard thing to do when your entire life is turned upside down.

 

I know how hard it is to find motivation to go do things, but it's really the best thing for you at this point. Find a new hobby, get back into one that you enjoyed previously, find some meetup groups online, make some new friends...fill your time. ANYTHING beats sitting around thinking about what you're "missing." Even just exercising (running, lifting, biking, etc.) will help clear your head, get your blood pumping, make you feel better about yourself and distract you.

 

You're right, you're NOT ready for a new relationship. I would recommend holding off on that, no matter how tempting it might be. I'm 9 months out and have had several "opportunities" to get into relationships, but I REALLY want to make sure I'm happy and stable with my life and myself before I think of bringing ANYONE else in.

 

At this point, it's hard to imagine things getting better, but, I assure you, you're in a TEMPORARY situation. Things will continue to get better and better, every day. There will be ups and downs but, life is an incredible adventure with SO many opportunities and you WILL be amazed at how good things will be.

 

This site is great to read about other people and see how similar their situations and feelings are at different points in their relationships/break-ups and realize that what you're feeling/going through is very painful, but very normal and...that it DOES get better...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[jpundun]

Feeling really alone and isolated today. All of the anger of the last weeks seems to have disolved away but there is nothing left in it's place.

 

All of my emotions regarding my wife, what she has done and the fact that she is now living as man and wife with an old flame seem to have flatlined and it's as if there is a big empty nothingness in my core i can't seem to feel anything at all about it now.

 

I don't really know where to go from here. I don't see what doing anything is going to achieve. I'm not ready for a new relationship but feel the need to have a purpose. I suppose thats what i miss, having someone around and a reason to do things either for them or with them.

 

really in a trough today guys any advice would be appreciated

 

Hi,

 

I don't know what help or comfort I can be but I understand your emptiness. I am not in your type of situation but if I was I know that the minute I found out about what was going on I would erase her from memory as fast as I could. I know it's hard but if you can shake yourself loose from the whole thing and get your mind into a state where she doesn't really exist anymore the better you will be.

 

For me if my spouse was involved with OM it would make life for me a lot easier. I would do exactly what I am suggesting to you. I have done it in my past and it was easy to do also to me that is the worst thing you can do to them. They become a non entity and that's how you have to think and act.

I guess for most you go through stages and you just got through your anger stage or your having just one of those days when you feel defeated and you don't know what to do and you feel empty. I have the same type of days where I don't feel anything but depression. I just ride it out and it subsides.

 

Your priority now is to fill the void that you feel with other things. Surely you can find something to occupy your mind. There is also no reason you can't date. I am not saying getting involved with someone but just spending time with someone. You also have to have a warrior mentality in that you are sort of in a battle. As bad as you may feel you cannot let her take your life away from you. Don't allow her to destroy you. Remember no one is going to take care of you better than you yourself. You have to stay strong. You have to accept the way things are and free yourself from her. Remember she is the enemy and you cannot accept defeat.

[andyg99]

Hi,

 

There is also no reason you can't date. I am not saying getting involved with someone but just spending time with someone. .

 

I disagree - dating should be off the table for now, it's easy to say just do it without getting involved but there are two parties here, one can easily go in saying they won't get serious and then develop feelings really quick. It's too early for that, emotions are raw, that's how rebounds start.

 

OP - it's your call of course but I'd get out there and just do stuff, whatever it is you like to do for fun. And I know that at times like this the concept of having fun may seem weird. Don't even think about dating or meeting someone, just do stuff for YOU.

[debtman]

I disagree - dating should be off the table for now, it's easy to say just do it without getting involved but there are two parties here, one can easily go in saying they won't get serious and then develop feelings really quick. It's too early for that, emotions are raw, that's how rebounds start.

 

OP - it's your call of course but I'd get out there and just do stuff, whatever it is you like to do for fun. And I know that at times like this the concept of having fun may seem weird. Don't even think about dating or meeting someone, just do stuff for YOU.

 

I agree with anyg99 as far as dating goes. I did some looking around on dating sites within the first few months, initially just to see what was "out there" but I had to create a profile on some of the sites (like okcupid) and ended up getting some messages. I ended up meeting up with three of the women from there, two were "drink dates" which were alright, sort of weird and awkward as my first "dates" mostly because I just wasn't ready to do anything relationship-wise and was just trying to fill the void. The other one was an "activity" date where we got together and went cross-country skiing. That went much better because I enjoyed what I was doing. Eventually, I ended up not going back out with any of those women or pursuing anything with any of them and ended up focusing on finding hobbies and activities that made ME happy while I did them. Since doing that, I've met several new women and formed several new friendships that may, someday, develop into something else when I decide I'm ready for that.

 

So, try dating if you want to, but be careful to not fall into a rebound. The last thing you want to do is drag someone else into your emotional turmoil, and, as long as you use a new relationship to "heal" your feelings from the last one, you're just delaying your own emotional healing and avoiding the issues.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[carson2002]

Wife still F*****g it up, got a letter today from a solicitor acting on behalf of one of her creditors (she took a whole load of personal loans on in the time before she left - guess she was building up a pot of cash before jumping)

 

This matter has already been to court and she hasn't been paying the court ordered payments so they are now applying for a charging order of £4500 on the house.

 

The house is in joint names (although she has never contributed a penny towards it). So even though I pay the mortgage and she no longer lives here it looks like i'm going to get hit again because she can't get her s**t in one sock.

 

Hopefully they can't force the sale of the house to get their money.

The case is up in court on the 26th so even if she doesn't attend i may have to, which is going to cost me time off work and money for advice.

 

I knew that I'd lose the house in a divorce settlement (I cant afford to buy her out) but losing it because she can't be bothered to sort her life out is annoying and means I now have to start replanning my life again.

[scottishguy]

Jesus carson,

 

She keeps dragging u in by the sound of it.

 

if you have the financial means to cope with what she has left you with, then i would say just weigh up whats best for you and your family( who are quite clearly on your side) and get her out of your life once and for all.

 

If you dont have the means( like the rest of us), then make her life hell, and get whatever you can out of her. then move on and take comfort on the fact she wont be anything to do with you later on.

 

i am just having to look into UK law myself, to see where i stand. Its a bit scary and sad how often our situation is

 

take care

[scottishguy]

Wife still F*****g it up, got a letter today from a solicitor acting on behalf of one of her creditors (she took a whole load of personal loans on in the time before she left - guess she was building up a pot of cash before jumping)

 

This matter has already been to court and she hasn't been paying the court ordered payments so they are now applying for a charging order of £4500 on the house.

 

The house is in joint names (although she has never contributed a penny towards it). So even though I pay the mortgage and she no longer lives here it looks like i'm going to get hit again because she can't get her s**t in one sock.

 

Hopefully they can't force the sale of the house to get their money.

The case is up in court on the 26th so even if she doesn't attend i may have to, which is going to cost me time off work and money for advice.

 

I knew that I'd lose the house in a divorce settlement (I cant afford to buy her out) but losing it because she can't be bothered to sort her life out is annoying and means I now have to start replanning my life again.

 

god she's turned into a real psycho!!!

 

is there a way we cn talk in private here because i think we have an awful lot in common here, that i dont want the whole world to know

[carson2002]

god she's turned into a real psycho!!!

 

is there a way we cn talk in private here because i think we have an awful lot in common here, that i dont want the whole world to know

 

There is a PM service at LS but i think you have to be an established member (so many posts /been on the site for so long) and at the moment i don't have the facility which is a shame. check out the FAQ's at the top of the home page.

 

Latest on the charging order. I spoke to my Local CAB who I went to see at the begining of all this and they still have my file on record. The counseller that i spoke to then has offered to help me fight this because even if my wife died (no plans there i promise) the charging order would stay against the house. If we can get it stopped the debt will go back to her alone.

 

Also found out the exact address of the guy with who she is staying which could come in handy once solicitors become involved. For some reason she has been desperate to keep that from me and although my daughters knew, they had been sworn to secrecy and i didn't really want to put them in any kind of position but aaah the wonders of the internet - had a look at the house on google maps - hmmm hope she's enjoying her stay.

 

Also found out that his wife left that address about two years ago but I don't know the reason why yet. it would be cool if he had cheated on her, two liars and cheats together imagine the tales that they could be telling each other.

 

Also have info on the son, not that it matters, not that any of it matters actually but it's helped put a few lids back on boxes and made me feel a little bit more in control of my life rather than living in limbo waiting for whatever she decides to do next.

 

Taking it one day at a time.

 

Hey, Scottishguy if you want to post in my thread your'e welcome to anytime.

[2sure]

Ive been cheated on. Ive been left. Ive been divorced.

 

But I have never, ever been replaced. It is not possible.

 

What is possible is that your ex wife replaced herself with a shyte storm. People do that a lot and often for reasons that even they can make no sense of.

[Steen719]

There is a PM service at LS but i think you have to be an established member (so many posts /been on the site for so long) and at the moment i don't have the facility which is a shame. check out the FAQ's at the top of the home page.

 

Latest on the charging order. I spoke to my Local CAB who I went to see at the begining of all this and they still have my file on record. The counseller that i spoke to then has offered to help me fight this because even if my wife died (no plans there i promise) the charging order would stay against the house. If we can get it stopped the debt will go back to her alone.

 

Also found out the exact address of the guy with who she is staying which could come in handy once solicitors become involved. For some reason she has been desperate to keep that from me and although my daughters knew, they had been sworn to secrecy and i didn't really want to put them in any kind of position but aaah the wonders of the internet - had a look at the house on google maps - hmmm hope she's enjoying her stay.

 

Also found out that his wife left that address about two years ago but I don't know the reason why yet. it would be cool if he had cheated on her, two liars and cheats together imagine the tales that they could be telling each other.

 

Also have info on the son, not that it matters, not that any of it matters actually but it's helped put a few lids back on boxes and made me feel a little bit more in control of my life rather than living in limbo waiting for whatever she decides to do next.

 

Taking it one day at a time.

 

Hey, Scottishguy if you want to post in my thread your'e welcome to anytime.

 

Hey, wondered how things were going and if you are moving on a little and getting things settled.

[carson2002]

Hey, wondered how things were going and if you are moving on a little and getting things settled.

 

Thanks for asking. Not much has changed I’m still getting advice from my local citizens advice about the charging order but had to cancel the latest appointment because the counsellor was ill. Still haven’t seen or heard from my wife for nearly five months and when she talks to the kids by phone she keeps the focus on them and avoids answering any questions about herself. She doesn’t seem to be in a rush to push the divorce process and hasn’t asked for any cash. She has told my youngest daughter that she is starting a full time job where she is so it looks like she’s happy and is settling down up there.

 

 

 

I now know where she lives, who she’s with and how they met (friends reunited) I don’t know the when’s and for how long they were having their affair though. That said I was clearing out old e-mails from my account and came across a friend’s reunited e-mail that had come to my address which I had forwarded to hers and that was dated June 2009, guess who’s name was on that e-mail. I know that he is separated from his wife and that she left the family home in late 2009 early 2010 so maybe my wife had something to do with that. I guess I’ll never find out for sure but it’s something to think about.

 

 

 

It would be bad if it did stretch back that far because it makes the lies and deceit so much worse, especially during that time frame she was actively encouraging me to keep spending on the house, the amount of debt she left with me would have been so much less.

 

 

 

Personally I’m starting to cope more without her, I still get bad days but not quite as often. What’s causing me most stress and anxiety is the financial situation I’m left in and the inevitable loss of my house. Especially knowing that she damn well made sure that when she left she simply stepped from one house and home to another with no financial worries and me and my youngest daughter are now struggling with cash and will end up in some crappy apartment.

 

 

Still you can only work with what you have. I’m planning to have one last Xmas with all my kids here and then I’m going to seek financial advice from a solicitor on the best way forward in the New Year.

 

 

Will keep you posted on any new developments and I’m happy to answer any questions.

[Steen719]

Well, I am glad you are personally feeling better and I hear you about the finances. My H has an old friend he "likes" too. I read the other day that although the statistics are that 1 out of 5 divorces cite a social media site in the divorce, the article said this:

"In a new survey of divorce lawyers, 81 percent say they have seen an increase in the use of social networking evidence during the past five years. The survey, conducted by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, pinpoints Facebook as the "unrivaled leader for online divorce evidence" with 66 percent citing it as a primary source, according to a news release about the survey."

http://www.abajournal.com/news/article/facebook_is_unrivaled_leader_for_online_divorce_evidence_survey_says/

 

Makes me sick.

[Chi townD]

You know what you need to do? Take a trip. Get out of familar surroundings and take a few days to visit someplace you've never been before. I did this when I broke it off with my ex after she cheated on me. I have to tell you. I it helped me to decompress, recharge and renew.

[carson2002]

Thanks for asking. Not much has changed I’m still getting advice from my local citizens advice about the charging order but had to cancel the latest appointment because the counsellor was ill. Still haven’t seen or heard from my wife for nearly five months and when she talks to the kids by phone she keeps the focus on them and avoids answering any questions about herself. She doesn’t seem to be in a rush to push the divorce process and hasn’t asked for any cash. She has told my youngest daughter that she is starting a full time job where she is so it looks like she’s happy and is settling down up there.

 

 

 

I now know where she lives, who she’s with and how they met (friends reunited) I don’t know the when’s and for how long they were having their affair though. That said I was clearing out old e-mails from my account and came across a friend’s reunited e-mail that had come to my address which I had forwarded to hers and that was dated June 2009, guess who’s name was on that e-mail. I know that he is separated from his wife and that she left the family home in late 2009 early 2010 so maybe my wife had something to do with that. I guess I’ll never find out for sure but it’s something to think about.

 

 

 

It would be bad if it did stretch back that far because it makes the lies and deceit so much worse, especially during that time frame she was actively encouraging me to keep spending on the house, the amount of debt she left with me would have been so much less.

 

 

 

Personally I’m starting to cope more without her, I still get bad days but not quite as often. What’s causing me most stress and anxiety is the financial situation I’m left in and the inevitable loss of my house. Especially knowing that she damn well made sure that when she left she simply stepped from one house and home to another with no financial worries and me and my youngest daughter are now struggling with cash and will end up in some crappy apartment.

 

 

Still you can only work with what you have. I’m planning to have one last Xmas with all my kids here and then I’m going to seek financial advice from a solicitor on the best way forward in the New Year.

 

 

Will keep you posted on any new developments and I’m happy to answer any questions.

 

just to update - i've become friends with a woman from one of the social groups that i joined to get me out of the house. she's in pretty much the same situation as me her ex left with no notice after 30 years just like mine. Although we are just friends she makes me laugh and although i'm still struggling financially over the seperation my days have got a lot happier.

 

Thoughts of my ex and what she's doing seem to have disappeared and everything now seems to be about me and where i want to go. To be honest i was heading that way before i made my new friend but she's kind of like the icing on the cake of where i wanted to be emotionally. I feel comfortable being around her and my other new friends and i know that the options i now have can be endless and that i can take my time in choosing what and when i would like things to happen.

 

so for all you out there still stuck in a world of hurt and pain, listen to debtman and other posters who tell you that it will get better you don't believe it now but you'll get there in the end - you just have to let it go.

[Steen719]

I am very glad for you. You deserve to be happy.

[debtman]

carson2002,

 

Excellent! Good to hear. Sometimes, it's just good to know that life goes on, new friendships are formed and each new day is an adventure.

 

And, remember, financial situations are temporary and can be fixed. I'm FINALLY starting to feel like I'm at least catching up financially and am able to start doing a little planning ahead. Still living as cheap as possible and trying to stretch every dollar as much as possible, but at least I'm current with my bills...

 

Good luck and keep posting...