MM filed Informal Marriage for Medical Insurance Purposes

[So Hurtful]

Hi all, I have been a visitor of this site for a while and finally decided to join.

 

I am a soon to be divorced MW and have been seeing MM for 20 months now. He has lived with wife for 16 years but they never wed. They applied for a marriage license about three years ago but did not go through with the ceremony. When he contacted me he told me I was the only girl he ever envisioned in a wedding dress, the only girl he ever envisioned to be his bride. We dated back in high school and when we reconnected he was ready to leave everything for me but I thought he was moving too fast!

 

He got together with his wife because they had a child out of wedlock when they were very young, still in high school and after things did not work out between us, he decided to go back to her because he did not want his child bouncing around or growing up with a stepdad like he did, he had a very unstable childhood after his parents divorced and he did not want the same for his child.

 

Our affair has been an emotional rollercoaster.

 

He started a new job a few months back and is still under probation. Turns out that medical insurance would not cover the wife unless there was substantial proof that they were husband/wife. Apparently income tax statements, having children together and joint bank accounts were not enough to prove that. So, they went down to the county clerk and filed an "informal marriage" form. I did not know anything about it until a few days ago when we were having a conversation where he was telling me he is ready to leave her, he is tired of the situation at home and wants to move forward because he can no longer sleep at night and misses me so much. I casually asked if he had to go through a divorce process even though they were common law and by reading a whole bunch now that I am going through my divorce, I had read that a divorce was to be necessary even for common law partners. Well, when I asked the question, he was like "aaaaaah, well, yes, let me tell you what happened......we were basically forced to marry" and then he went on to explain the insurance situation. Not knowing what an informal marriage filing was I asked him if they went in front of a judge and he told me no, that it was just a form that they had filed but they were told that once that form was filed they would have to get a divorce if they wanted to go their separate ways. He said he felt he was put "on the spot" and ended up filing for the informal marriage. I feel betrayed because he did not inform me about it and it has been a couple of months since this took place. He made it seem like it was not important when he told me about it. He also told me that he already researched how much a divorce would cost etc. and I told him that if he did not leave her before, now that he is legally married, he is not going to do it.

 

This has been bothering me much and I believe it is time for actions on his part. I told him that it was very ironic that I was moving forward to gain my freedom and he on the other hand, just entered into a formal and official process with her.

 

I would like your point of view. I plan to talk to him tomorrow, I need to let him know how I feel. I feel betrayed. He did not need my permission to do it but, to not inform me about his status change?? During all this time, I never felt like an OW to him, he always made me feel like the most special person in the world, he has always been very tender to me but now, after this milestone in his life, I do feel like an OW. I do not understand how if he is so resentful against his wife, why go the extra mile and do what was necessary to include her in his insurance, this tells me he has no intention to leave anytime soon and that the only woman in his future plans is her! Even though I think I know what your replies are going to be, I need your feedback please. Sorry for the long post.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

Assuming you know his full name, it's easy enough to check the records at the recorder's office and the courthouse to see exactly what he's been up to. Only a lawyer in your jurisdiction could comment on the specifics of what's going on and how it works. Your divorce lawyer probably would know.

 

In any event, it doesn't appear that he's moving to end the R/M and move on. As our MC put it, you have a decision to make.

[Emme]

why go the extra mile and do what was necessary to include her in his insurance, this tells me he has no intention to leave anytime soon and that the only woman in his future plans is her!

 

 

I hear you.... I do. My thing is... would you rather the mother of his children drop down dead and die in the event of an emergency because she is not covered... Just take a good 3 hours ... Think about it ... then come back and tell me what you think. Take your time.

[carhill]

Trauma care, at least in our jurisdiction (California), is without regard to means/insurance. Call 911, medics arrive, transport happens, life-saving procedures are performed and they sort it out later. Insurance of course prevents bankruptcy from that process, as well as speeds certain treatments in some cases.

 

We reconciled insurance during our D. Pretty simple. Split the policy and exW pays for her and I pay for me. No biggie, not to be confused with free or cheap. The MM could handle things similarly should he be so inclined, which apparently he is not.

[Emme]

He's left her with a child to care for. Would this man rather have her be in debt with bills from any form of medical issues be it the sniffles, be it a possible fast or slow death? Would you want him to put your emotions first versus that of a woman who's the mother of his children at this time? Consider the possibilities. What are this woman's options if she has no other than to still be dependant on him? If anything be happy she's covered. She’s healthy… no instant step mother for you. Be mad you weren't consulted ... fine. Being mad that this man at least has the humility to take care of his family... I find not fault in that. No matter what, ex-wife or not that woman is still a family member. She will be on the family tree.

[carhill]

If the MM is the legal father, his offspring can be covered under most employer policies. His name would be on the birth certificate and that is legal evidence of his paternity. Evidently his employer does not extend benefits to cohabiting domestic partners. Many employers do. Usually this is covered at the employment interview and/or briefing.

 

The MM made choices in a number of areas. I think that's good information. I hope the OP makes an informed decision in her best interests.

[jthorne]

Next he'll be coming up with excuses why he has to go on vacation with her.

[Fight4Me]

I can't speak for what his intentions are since there wasn't a mention of a timeline for when he plans to divorce his wife, but I can at least say that this form doesn't change the status of their common law marriage. He is no more formally married now than he was before. Insurance companies are requiring such forms to avoid fraud and streamline the verification process. Something like this deters (for the sake of example) two people rooming together and trying to claim common law marriage in order to get insurance and other benefits for themselves and/or children.

 

He's already going to have to go through divorce proceedings, and this piece of paper isn't going to make it more or less difficult to do so. He may be under the mistaken impression is does, OR he wants you to believe such in order to put you off as long as possible.

 

I would suggest putting this new information about the form aside and try to get him to nail down a time when he plans on breaking the news to his wife and when his first lawyer's appt will be. If he makes excuses as to why he "can't" start the process, there is your TRUE answer and I would not let him verbally wiggle his way out of this.

[Emme]

Next he'll be coming up with excuses why he has to go on vacation with her.

 

:lmao: You are too funny!

 

 

Fight4me last paragraph says it all. He sounds like a wiggler. Probationary period is 90 days... Let the clock start ticking. After that start putting your foot down.

 

OP when is your divorce going to be finalized?

[Fight4Me]

I should qualify my statement that it's the insurance companies requiring these forms when it could be the employers themselves (I'm unclear on that). My husband's company requires this as they have employees scattered throughout the U.S. and each state has different laws, and they are also a global corporation. Plus, more and more states are beginning to recognize same-sex marriages, which must complicate the recognition of Common Law.

 

Regardless, your MM could still be using this form as a means to put you off when it isn't necessary. Pose the question to your lawyer and then compare it with what MM says. Should be very enlightening.

[jwi71]

Hi all, I have been a visitor of this site for a while and finally decided to join.

 

I am a soon to be divorced MW and have been seeing MM for 20 months now. He has lived with wife for 16 years but they never wed. They applied for a marriage license about three years ago but did not go through with the ceremony. When he contacted me he told me I was the only girl he ever envisioned in a wedding dress, the only girl he ever envisioned to be his bride. We dated back in high school and when we reconnected he was ready to leave everything for me but I thought he was moving too fast!

 

He got together with his wife because they had a child out of wedlock when they were very young, still in high school and after things did not work out between us, he decided to go back to her because he did not want his child bouncing around or growing up with a stepdad like he did, he had a very unstable childhood after his parents divorced and he did not want the same for his child.

 

Our affair has been an emotional rollercoaster.

 

He started a new job a few months back and is still under probation. Turns out that medical insurance would not cover the wife unless there was substantial proof that they were husband/wife. Apparently income tax statements, having children together and joint bank accounts were not enough to prove that. So, they went down to the county clerk and filed an "informal marriage" form. I did not know anything about it until a few days ago when we were having a conversation where he was telling me he is ready to leave her, he is tired of the situation at home and wants to move forward because he can no longer sleep at night and misses me so much. I casually asked if he had to go through a divorce process even though they were common law and by reading a whole bunch now that I am going through my divorce, I had read that a divorce was to be necessary even for common law partners. Well, when I asked the question, he was like "aaaaaah, well, yes, let me tell you what happened......we were basically forced to marry" and then he went on to explain the insurance situation. Not knowing what an informal marriage filing was I asked him if they went in front of a judge and he told me no, that it was just a form that they had filed but they were told that once that form was filed they would have to get a divorce if they wanted to go their separate ways. He said he felt he was put "on the spot" and ended up filing for the informal marriage. I feel betrayed because he did not inform me about it and it has been a couple of months since this took place. He made it seem like it was not important when he told me about it. He also told me that he already researched how much a divorce would cost etc. and I told him that if he did not leave her before, now that he is legally married, he is not going to do it.

 

This has been bothering me much and I believe it is time for actions on his part. I told him that it was very ironic that I was moving forward to gain my freedom and he on the other hand, just entered into a formal and official process with her.

 

I would like your point of view. I plan to talk to him tomorrow, I need to let him know how I feel. I feel betrayed. He did not need my permission to do it but, to not inform me about his status change?? During all this time, I never felt like an OW to him, he always made me feel like the most special person in the world, he has always been very tender to me but now, after this milestone in his life, I do feel like an OW. I do not understand how if he is so resentful against his wife, why go the extra mile and do what was necessary to include her in his insurance, this tells me he has no intention to leave anytime soon and that the only woman in his future plans is her! Even though I think I know what your replies are going to be, I need your feedback please. Sorry for the long post.

 

WTF?!?!?!

 

Just so I understand...instead of leaving his GF to be with you HE MARRIED HER?!?!?!

 

ROTFLMFAO

 

Post of the year right there folks. I mean really - what did he say "oops, instead of packing up to be with you I accidentally got married instead. Sorry about that hun"

 

Carhill is spot on btw.

[whichwayisup]

I hear you.... I do. My thing is... would you rather the mother of his children drop down dead and die in the event of an emergency because she is not covered... Just take a good 3 hours ... Think about it ... then come back and tell me what you think. Take your time.

 

Harshly put, but this is reality. This woman IS the mother of their child and they HAVE been 'living' life together as a couple. A piece of paper making it legal doesn't change that fact!

 

Honestly, I think he's playing you for a fool and loving to have two women meet his needs. He has no intention of walking away from his common-law, newly wedded wife and child to be with you. He is completely fine and happy with keeping you on the side as the OW. I'm sure he's told you they 'sleep in separate bedrooms' or 'we haven't had sex in years,' and 'she treats me badly, yells at me' etc, etc..

 

MM LIE! And don't fool yourself into thinking he wouldn't ever lie or omit truths to you.

 

Re-think this path you're on. Is it worth it? If he ends up with you, could you fully trust him?

[fooled once]

I work in HR and this sounds like a load of baloney! Why are you falling for it? Reread what you posted ... He MARRIED his long time girlfriend/mother of his child! He has had you as his side lover for 20 months! He got you good! No way in the world is there a "informal marriage" form that a insurance company needs! Mind you, I only know of info in the US, so if this situation is outside the US, maybe..maybe ... But just use google and see if you can find any garbage about an "informal marriage" baloney.

[So Hurtful]

I appreciate everyone's input. I have decided to talk to him tomorrow and let him know how his action has affected me and how I feel about it. Please keep me in your thoughts, I will definitely need the courage to stay firm, set my foot down and tell him that I will not continue with this relationship under the current circumstances. Since I am new here, I am trying to figure out how to reply to messages so please bare with me. I would like to answer all of your replies.

[So Hurtful]

Hi Pierre, actually timeline is like this:

 

1. MM and BW got pregnant and baby was born when they were 18 and still in high school. They stopped dating and then I came into the picture.

2. MM and I dated briefly while baby was 8 months old but my parents did not allow me to have a relationship with him due to the fact that he had a baby so we ended up going our separate ways.

3. A year after our breakup he decided to get together with her so the baby wouldn't be bouncing around or growing up with a stepdad like he did.

4. 16 years later he finds me again and tells me I am the love of his life and that he has never been happy and only got together with her out of commitment and responsibility for the baby. He wants to immediately get together with me but I told him he was moving too fast.

5. A lot has happened since then but I mainly wanted this forum's input regarding the informal marriage filing.

[So Hurtful]

Carhill, thank you for the warm welcome and I appreciate your comments. I did check online and records show their informal marriage and the date it was filed. About 45 days ago and he did not even make an effort to tell me about it. I do know that on one of his kids' birth certificate there was no father information and he had to go get that fixed as well since the insurance was asking for that. I have made an informed decision in my best interest and I just need the courage to do it! will have this talk with him tomorrow.

[So Hurtful]

Emme, under his previous employer, MM dropped the family from medical insurance because the premiums had gone up tremendously so they have been without insurance for a while, the issue is not whether they are covered or not, the issue is the fact that he kept important information from me. Now that he has a job with better benefits, he is able to put his family back on a medical plan, which is great! I don't think anyone should be dependent on someone else and that is exactly what his wife has been throughout this time and he is tired of that. He tried to motivate her to go back to school, she did not even graduate from high school, but she never took the opportunity and his advice. It is very easy to have someone else sort your life out and solve your problems. She is working now though, at a grocery store I believe. She has no aspirations whatsoever and he despites that. I understand wife will always be part of the family and part of the tree. I do like the fact that he provides for her and takes responsibility but it does prove to me he has no immediate intentions of leaving.

[So Hurtful]

Sad in Texas, you have me thinking now!! I will definitely question him about it! but to tell you the truth I think he is being sincere about the motive to do it. Yes, it is backwards and it does not make any sense. I am not putting my faith in him anymore, I wanted someone else to reiterate that I am not wrong here and I am not blowing things out of proportion. He made it very clear and since it was so easy for him to do it since he was put "on the spot", it must be very easy to undo it and start the divorce process right? yeah right!! he is not going to do it, I have lost faith and hope.

[So Hurtful]

Hi jthorne, unfortunately and sadly, they do not go on vacations, not even for the kids and that is something that has always bothered him, his wife does not get involved with the kids extracurricular activities. Their kids' team went to Disneyland for a tournament and she preferred to go to her hometown and send the husband and kids off. He has built resentment towards her over the years but his actions don't match his words since the resentment can't be that bad if he went ahead and made sure she was covered in his insurance, even if that meant filing an informal divorce!

[So Hurtful]

Fight4Me, I agree with you that with form or without form, it does not change their status and that is exactly what he told me, that nothing has changed between them and maybe that is the reason he did not tell me anything because he did not give it much thought but still, he should have told me. Your reply makes me feel better but unfortunately it does not take from the fact that he kept me in the dark. I also told him that he would have been required to go through a formal divorce since there are kids and assets involved, even without filing that form.

[So Hurtful]

jwi71, well, I feel honored!!! post of the year uh?? I agree with you. This is a no brainer uh?. I'll lay the cards out for him tomorrow. I will need lots of courage. This is going to be very hard but not impossible.

[So Hurtful]

whichwayisup, thanks for your comment. We have not discussed their living arrangements or their intimacy and he has never told me she treats him badly. I appreciate your advice, will take care of this tomorrow and it will be interesting to see what the future holds for me.

[So Hurtful]

fooled once, I will definitely question this, not that I gain anything out of it but I will do it. I checked my county's records and there is an informal marriage section and they did register their informal marriage. Thanks for your comment. Wish me luck for tomorrow when I talk to him to tell him how betrayed I feel about this and I can no longer continue with this relationship, not under this terms.

[Emme]

Girl you better handle your business. Hope for the best prepare for the worst. That includes you walking away from this relationship. I wish you well... good luck. Let us know how the conversation went.

[carrie999]

He's left her with a child to care for. Would this man rather have her be in debt with bills from any form of medical issues be it the sniffles, be it a possible fast or slow death? Would you want him to put your emotions first versus that of a woman who's the mother of his children at this time? Consider the possibilities. What are this woman's options if she has no other than to still be dependant on him? If anything be happy she's covered. She’s healthy… no instant step mother for you. Be mad you weren't consulted ... fine. Being mad that this man at least has the humility to take care of his family... I find not fault in that. No matter what, ex-wife or not that woman is still a family member. She will be on the family tree.

 

Yes, she will always be a family member. But why would he marry her, even informally, if he's planning on leaving? If he leaves her, his responsibility is only to his children. He may feel responsible for her, and may want to help her beyond what any court dictates, but that is very different from making it legal.

 

And why does his probational status matter? Is it just that his new insurance is more stringent? I remember a high school friend's parents (who were together for 17 years in the early 1990's but not married) marrying for this reason back then. They always had their own policies through work and he lost his job, and she had to officially marry him in front of a judge to get him on her health insurance. I don't know the system that well, but I was pretty sure you always had to be married in order for the insurance plan to cover both. My sister's husband's plan doesn't fully cover spouses, only children, and they have to pay extra (discounted, but still thousands) for her to be covered under his plan.

 

Something sounds odd here. OP, I would be concerned as well. You need to talk to him and find out all the details. If there's no end in sight, you should know that's the case.