MM filed Informal Marriage for Medical Insurance Purposes

[carrie999]

WTF?!?!?!

 

Just so I understand...instead of leaving his GF to be with you HE MARRIED HER?!?!?!

 

ROTFLMFAO

 

Post of the year right there folks. I mean really - what did he say "oops, instead of packing up to be with you I accidentally got married instead. Sorry about that hun"

 

Carhill is spot on btw.

 

Nice, jwi. Isn't the tagline of this forum "The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner"?

 

It's one thing to tell her honestly that it's clear something doesn't fit with his story, and to admonish her to understand that she probably can't trust him and shouldn't count on this relationship working out. But to laugh about it is both mean-spirited and counter-productive.

[carrie999]

Hi Pierre, actually timeline is like this:

 

1. MM and BW got pregnant and baby was born when they were 18 and still in high school. They stopped dating and then I came into the picture.

2. MM and I dated briefly while baby was 8 months old but my parents did not allow me to have a relationship with him due to the fact that he had a baby so we ended up going our separate ways.

3. A year after our breakup he decided to get together with her so the baby wouldn't be bouncing around or growing up with a stepdad like he did.

4. 16 years later he finds me again and tells me I am the love of his life and that he has never been happy and only got together with her out of commitment and responsibility for the baby. He wants to immediately get together with me but I told him he was moving too fast.

5. A lot has happened since then but I mainly wanted this forum's input regarding the informal marriage filing.

 

SH, I'm really sorry. It's a crappy situation. I'm sure MM has been thinking of you over the years while trying to the right thing. He's probably at times resented that you had to break up with him, but been grateful for the opportunity to live with his child and be there in ways his own father was not.

 

I imagine that now that his kid is in high school and has his/her own life, he's stuck with the woman he never loved and always dreamed of being happy.

 

There's a lot to that. You are the only woman he really loved, and you rejected him, even if only because your parents refused to let you date him. What you have to understand is that it may mean he always loved the idea of you, without really getting to know you, especially as an adult. In many ways, you're the one that got away, but (I hate to say this), you were always a fantasy and someone who he has built up in his mind as an ideal. You weren't together long enough to really know one another. You didn't even break up because one of you actively made the decision, though you did make the decision out of respect for (or maybe some fear of) your parents.

 

He also probably hasn't had much time to really get to know himself. Parenthood is hard at any age, and you sacrifice so much of yourself for your children. That's even truer for those who have kids very young, because they didn't necessarily have time to figure out what they really wanted from life. My mom was 21 when she married and 22 when she had me, and then naturally came my younger siblings. She didn't experience life after college, find a career that suited her, or even think about how kids fit into her plan.

 

When my mom left my dad, she regressed to being a kid. Seriously. Think Gilmore Girls. She acted like an adolescent, but wasn't the irresponsible newly single mom who went to clubs and dated and shoved the kids off to a sitter. She just acted like she was 18 and was exploring the world anew, because...well, she was. She never got to be a kid. She's approaching her late twenties now, and finally dating someone who seems like a keeper.

 

My mom always stressed the importance of living like kids/young adults our age. My sister met her husband in high school. They went to separate colleges and had a LDR, and she eventually transferred to his because they offered the major she wanted. It was a huge state school where they lived and took classes on separate campuses, and they made a point of maintaining the LDR by only meeting on weekends for the first year. After college, she got a job and moved out on her own. They got engaged that year, but lived separately. She was afraid of how my mom would react to them getting engaged, but my mom thought it was wonderful because they had taken time apart to figure out who they were and what they wanted, and to develop independently.

 

You simply cannot develop independence when living with a spouse or significant other. You can walk into a relationship as independent people who are clear about what you want, and grow together, or grow apart. But if you start out living with someone at 18-19, and add the stress of child-rearing to the mix, you may develop strength, but not independence or a clear sense of self. He may have grown apart from MW, but he didn't really grow on his own.

 

You were dead-on when you said he was moving too fast and not ready. He's not. He has so much to figure out. "Informally" marrying her (whatever that means...I'm not a lawyer, but it's new to me) says a lot. He may be afraid you'll leave again. He may actually need to be single. He may not be ready to leave her and his child. You have a LOT to talk about.

 

He may not need to sow his oats, so to speak, but he has a lot of growing up to do. Forcing himself into the adult role prematurely robbed him of a lot of growth. He's been a responsible father and husband, has sacrificed everything for his family, and needs to set the clock back and focus on himself.

[woinlove]

SH, sounds like you are on the right track of seeing through MM's deception, how his words and actions are saying opposite things, and recognizing that you deserve better. He not only stayed with his gf (now W) because she had his baby, but he decided to have a second baby (or more?) with her, from what you write. He built a family with her and now he has married her, while hiding that fact from you.

 

This seems to be an extreme case of someone whose words are not meaningful, so please pay attention to his actions, now and over the years. Him not mentioning that he got married is a huge one and that level of deception is no way to begin any type of meaningful R. I think this man would have to change very significantly if you would like him to be an honest and loyal partner. That type of change is difficult, usually takes years, and you have not written anything that suggests that MM is even starting on such a path, never mind staying on it.

 

Also don't put much weight on how he describes his R with his W. He is also deceiving her and no one wants to be the bad guy so it is common to try to feel better by projecting a lot of "badness" on the BS and looking to OW/OM to reinforce this and make MM/MW feel better about how they are behaving. Again, look at his actions rather than his words - in the midst of all his complaining about her, he married her.

[jwi71]

Nice, jwi. Isn't the tagline of this forum "The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner"?

 

It's one thing to tell her honestly that it's clear something doesn't fit with his story, and to admonish her to understand that she probably can't trust him and shouldn't count on this relationship working out. But to laugh about it is both mean-spirited and counter-productive.

 

You're right.

 

I shouldn't have posted as I did. It was decidedly uncool and not terribly helpful. Thanks for calling me out on that, I deserved it.

 

Apologies to the OP for what was and is an entirely useless and unnecessary post.

 

JW

[TigerCub]

Op, the whole thing makes no sense.

If he "informally married" her so that she can get his benefits, then wouldn't she lose those safe benefits that he informally married her for when he "informally divorces" her?

 

So why would he go this big round about way if he was intending to leave.

 

Please listen to all the advice you got here. This guy is just lying to your face and the more you believe the more amused he becomes.

 

If life is so tough with the woman he's with, he would never have married her, formally or informally.

 

Oh and Pierre is spot on with the whole "staying for the kids" playing the martyr bull$hit - they all do it!!

 

I hope that you have the courage to do what's best for you.

 

Good luck today

[26pointblue]

Emme, under his previous employer, MM dropped the family from medical insurance because the premiums had gone up tremendously so they have been without insurance for a while, the issue is not whether they are covered or not, the issue is the fact that he kept important information from me. Now that he has a job with better benefits, he is able to put his family back on a medical plan, which is great! I don't think anyone should be dependent on someone else and that is exactly what his wife has been throughout this time and he is tired of that. He tried to motivate her to go back to school, she did not even graduate from high school, but she never took the opportunity and his advice. It is very easy to have someone else sort your life out and solve your problems. She is working now though, at a grocery store I believe. She has no aspirations whatsoever and he despites that. I understand wife will always be part of the family and part of the tree. I do like the fact that he provides for her and takes responsibility but it does prove to me he has no immediate intentions of leaving.

 

So_Hurtful,

 

I could relate to this post because I used to resent my xMM's wife for being dependent on him . . . she ran his business & his house & it looked to me like she had no life outside of him & I looked down on her for it.

 

But after I made my painful way out of everything I realized I was using that as a reason to justify my actions & think he should be with me, not her, etc. I realized there is a lot more to long-term marriages/relationships than I can understand. The things you talk about, for instance . . . many many married couples put their spouse on their insurance, it just makes financial sense. Many spouses (yes mainly women) stay at home & care for the children . . . it sounds like that's what your MM's wife is doing & I don't get why you judge her for that?

 

In any case even if you have issues with her being financially dependent on him, & even if he says he does . . . he hasn't done anything about it & has in fact taken steps to have their finances be even more joined. So there must be something about the arrangement that he likes. Contributing to a marriage & family is about a lot more than who makes the money & pays the bills/ has the insurance. She could be taking care of the house & kids . . . while, honestly, I used to look down on people who chose to do that, now I start to think about how hard it must be to run a household & I realize that money is not everything . . . my xMM's wife, for example, was contributing a lot more to their family & children by being at home with them, spending time with them, helping the household & business run smoothly . . . while he was making all the money but was out playing around with me! So I just don't think it's right that you judge her for being 'dependent' on him . . . she is not the one actively going against the family's best interests by cheating. For all you know she may be 'working' towards keeping the family together & happy. To me that is worth a lot more than money.

 

Overall, I'm glad you're going to talk to him & I think you need to keep your distance because this man lied to you & is not showing he has an intention to divorce her but has instead shown that he is willing to do what it takes to keep the family together. At this point there is no place for you in the story. I say that having learned it the hard way. As much as my xMM said he wanted to be with me & would do what it takes, I looked at his actions & saw that he was actually doing whatever it took to keep his family together [& keep cheating with me] . . . and that there was no place for me because that was not the kind of relationship/life I wanted. Good luck.

 

PS You say he is tired of her depending on him financially & despises that she hasn't advanced in her education or a career. But that contradicts the fact that he married her so that she could go on his insurance. Does he just resent her for these things but let them happen anyway? What kind of a man is that? You also say that you are glad he is supporting his family but you contradict yourself by saying she shouldn't want to be 'supported.' Your post is just kind of all over the place to me & I think [from experience] that if you examine your attitude towards his wife, who is an innocent party or even a victim, but who you talk about as if she has done something really wrong & you hate her, you might gain some self-insight into your own motivations & actions. At least that is what happened to me . . . it hit me like a lightbulb that my involvement in xMM's affair was more about me & my own issues than I ever could have imagined when I was in the thick of things . . . the lovey-dovey & drama stages. Really try to take a step back & ask yourself why you have such a problem with this woman whose husband you're involved with. Really.

Edited August 24, 2011 by 26pointblue

[fooled once]

Emme, under his previous employer, MM dropped the family from medical insurance because the premiums had gone up tremendously so they have been without insurance for a while, the issue is not whether they are covered or not, the issue is the fact that he kept important information from me. Now that he has a job with better benefits, he is able to put his family back on a medical plan, which is great! I don't think anyone should be dependent on someone else and that is exactly what his wife has been throughout this time and he is tired of that.

 

**Umm.... many couples make the decision that the wife/mom will stay home and raise the kids and tend to the house while the man earns the $$ for the family to live on. Where you present when they made the plans for THEIR family? MANY stay at home moms are "dependent" on their husband. There isn't ANYTHING wrong with a decision that the couple made together. I realize you don't like it and are using her lack of dependence (in YOUR view) as a reason to talk down about her; but just because YOU think it doesn't mean it is true.

 

He tried to motivate her to go back to school, she did not even graduate from high school, but she never took the opportunity and his advice. It is very easy to have someone else sort your life out and solve your problems.

 

** Again, were you there when they made their plans? Or is this just bull that he is feeding you? Do you know how hard it is to go to school while raising a child? You yourself mentioned he 'broke up with her' when the baby was still an infant. So she was raising the child as a single parent and you wanted her to go to school. Who was going to watch the baby while she was in school? Who was going to pay for daycare for the child? Why is she required to take his advice on this? How do you know HE sorted her life out and solved her problems? I mean, SHE carried the child, SHE gave birth and SHE missed out on her senior year. What did he do? How is he going to solve her problem of having a cheater for a husband? Is he going to confess to her what a lying prick he is? Is he going to be a man and man up and admit to her he is unfaithful? My guess would be NO since he just married her!!

 

She is working now though, at a grocery store I believe. She has no aspirations whatsoever and he despites that. I understand wife will always be part of the family and part of the tree. I do like the fact that he provides for her and takes responsibility but it does prove to me he has no immediate intentions of leaving.

 

**Have you sat and talked with her to find out her hopes and dreams? Why are you throwing stones at this woman? Is it because she got the man you want? Is it because they will always be connected no matter what due to sharing a child? You like the fact that he 'provides' for her and takes responsibility.... what exactly is he taking responsibility for? Ensuring his children have food and a bed? It can't be loyalty and faithfulness. It can't be honesty and integrity.

 

So at 18, your mom and dad told you you can't date him because .... he had gotten another girl pregnant. And yet you believe all these years he has mourned you and searched for you and dreamed about rekindling what? A high school crush? Are you the same person you were at 18? Is he? Why oh why do people firmly believe that just because you loved someone as a teenager you are meant to be with that person 20+ years later??? Neither of you knew who you really were at that age. Neither of you had any real life experience. Neither of you had ever really LIVED yet. He knows you have a huge crush on him and he is using that to his advantage. He has lied to you, he has GOTTEN MARRIED and you are still thinking you two have this wonderful future in front of you.

 

NOW, he has to get divorced and like someone said, his wife will once again be without insurance! So can you explain how that will work? Do you know that many young adult kids whose parents divorce have a HARDER time accepting and adjusting than young kids? Will he tell his kids that he has been cheating on their mom? Will you be introduced as the girlfriend? Do you think his kids will NOT be able to figure out that you guys have been having an affair?

 

So he wasn't 'forced to marry her' when he got her pregnant and for the last 16 years he hasn't been 'forced to marry her'; but NOW he is? Do you think he could just POSSIBLY be using this as an EXCUSE because he really doesn't want to be with you full time? Did you ever think that just maybe he is enjoying having 2 women meet his needs? I know you don't want to think that his wife does anything decent or good for him, but again, if it was just so horrible, why didn't he leave YEARS ago?

 

As for vacations, again, were you there when the plans were discussed? Do you have her side of why she allegedly didn't go on a trip? Maybe she had planned to go but a family member became ill and instead of canceling their plans, she told them to go on and go while she dealt with a situation?

 

As you can easily see, he is a LIAR. He has lied to you. He has lied to his wife. Please do not believe every word that comes out of his mouth; especially in regards to his wife. Seems he isn't the respectful honorable man you want to believe he is! I mean, he is giving up time with his kids to play hide the salami with you. I know you have a lot invested in him and you want him to be all yours; but the guy is sending out HUGE red flags that he isn't wanting to end his relationship with his wife!

 

I'm sure MM has been thinking of you over the years while trying to the right thing. He's probably at times resented that you had to break up with him, but been grateful for the opportunity to live with his child and be there in ways his own father was not.

 

I imagine that now that his kid is in high school and has his/her own life, he's stuck with the woman he never loved and always dreamed of being happy.

 

There's a lot to that. You are the only woman he really loved, and you rejected him, even if only because your parents refused to let you date him. What you have to understand is that it may mean he always loved the idea of you, without really getting to know you, especially as an adult. In many ways, you're the one that got away, but (I hate to say this), you were always a fantasy and someone who he has built up in his mind as an ideal. You weren't together long enough to really know one another. You didn't even break up because one of you actively made the decision, though you did make the decision out of respect for (or maybe some fear of) your parents.

 

He also probably hasn't had much time to really get to know himself. Parenthood is hard at any age, and you sacrifice so much of yourself for your children. That's even truer for those who have kids very young, because they didn't necessarily have time to figure out what they really wanted from life. My mom was 21 when she married and 22 when she had me, and then naturally came my younger siblings. She didn't experience life after college, find a career that suited her, or even think about how kids fit into her plan.

 

 

My mom always stressed the importance of living like kids/young adults our age. My sister met her husband in high school. They went to separate colleges and had a LDR, and she eventually transferred to his because they offered the major she wanted. It was a huge state school where they lived and took classes on separate campuses, and they made a point of maintaining the LDR by only meeting on weekends for the first year. After college, she got a job and moved out on her own. They got engaged that year, but lived separately. She was afraid of how my mom would react to them getting engaged, but my mom thought it was wonderful because they had taken time apart to figure out who they were and what they wanted, and to develop independently.

 

You simply cannot develop independence when living with a spouse or significant other. You can walk into a relationship as independent people who are clear about what you want, and grow together, or grow apart. But if you start out living with someone at 18-19, and add the stress of child-rearing to the mix, you may develop strength, but not independence or a clear sense of self. He may have grown apart from MW, but he didn't really grow on his own.

 

You were dead-on when you said he was moving too fast and not ready. He's not. He has so much to figure out. "Informally" marrying her (whatever that means...I'm not a lawyer, but it's new to me) says a lot. He may be afraid you'll leave again. He may actually need to be single. He may not be ready to leave her and his child. You have a LOT to talk about.

 

He may not need to sow his oats, so to speak, but he has a lot of growing up to do. Forcing himself into the adult role prematurely robbed him of a lot of growth. He's been a responsible father and husband, has sacrificed everything for his family, and needs to set the clock back and focus on himself.

 

Wow Carrie. You seem to know the cheating MM so well. How do you KNOW he has been thinking of the OP for years? How do you KNOW he is

 

1. "he's stuck with the woman he never loved"

2. "You are the only woman he really loved"

3. " In many ways, you're the one that got away, you were always a fantasy and someone who he has built up in his mind as an ideal. "

 

You simply cannot develop independence when living with a spouse or significant other.

 

This is YOUR opinion, right? Many many people develop independence WHILE married. Many military wives can't survive being 'dependent' on their spouse; especially when their spouse is deployed. So it is YOUR opinion someone can't develop independence; because it certainly isn't a fact.

You can walk into a relationship as independent people who are clear about what you want, and grow together, or grow apart. But if you start out living with someone at 18-19, and add the stress of child-rearing to the mix, you may develop strength, but not independence or a clear sense of self. He may have grown apart from MW, but he didn't really grow on his own.

 

Again, this must be YOUR view/opinion. My mom married at 19, had a kid at 20, 21 and 23. My dad was 18 when they married. They started dating at 16. Here it is, 49 years later, and they are STILL together, still happy, still in love and both independent. You cannot say people don't develop independence or a clear sense of self. You can say that it applies to YOU; but you shouldn't make sweeping generalizations, especially when I know there are plenty of cases of the opposite of your opinion.

 

It truly sounds like you are encouraging this woman to stay with a cheater, who recently married the mother of his almost grown child(ren) because 20+ years ago he loved her and never stopped. You do not know this for a fact. I know some OW don't like to be reminded that many MM are LIARS; because it would break the fantasy bubble they have built up. But in THIS case, the MM has PROVEN he has lied and to encourage an OW to stay with a liar is not a good idea. If she continues to accept the lies that fall off his tongue, she is consenting to him to continue to disrespect her and lie to her. I know it fits better when the wife is demonized and thought of as nothing more than someone who is in the way of an OW and she is thought to be an uncaring, unloving, selfish dependent woman who is making/forcing the MM to stay with her. I would guess it helps you to think that the MM you are with is just 'stuck' right now and will one day find the courage and strength to break free of that wife of his; you know, he doesn't want to HURT her by leaving her seeing as she is this weak, dependent person.

 

May shock you when she kicks his butt to the curb when she finds out where he has been putting his wee willy. May shock you more when he begs her to forgive him as you were nothing more than a dalliance. Who knows, maybe one day he WILL actually man up and leave .... and then you find that he isn't what you thought he was and he is not the prince charming of your life. Then again, maybe he will be and so much more

 

But no one will know until the MM mans up and takes action to prove his love to the OW. So until that day comes, it seems silly to me to declare things as facts (such as you did to the OP in your post above) when you really have no idea what is in his head or what he thinks or feels. He could just be using the OP in this case, and to encourage her to believe she is his one and only when he just married his wife, after being with her for 16 years.

 

OP, I hope you update on us about your talk with him and I hope you watch his actions and not just rely on his words. If he loved you like you believe, he would be moving mountains to be with you; not marrying his life in lover of 16 years. I hope you can step away from him until he is formally divorced from his informal wife.

[alexandria35]

So_Hurtful,

 

I could relate to this post because I used to resent my xMM's wife for being dependent on him . . . she ran his business & his house & it looked to me like she had no life outside of him & I looked down on her for it.

 

But after I made my painful way out of everything I realized I was using that as a reason to justify my actions & think he should be with me, not her, etc. I realized there is a lot more to long-term marriages/relationships than I can understand. The things you talk about, for instance . . . many many married couples put their spouse on their insurance, it just makes financial sense. Many spouses (yes mainly women) stay at home & care for the children . . . it sounds like that's what your MM's wife is doing & I don't get why you judge her for that?

 

In any case even if you have issues with her being financially dependent on him, & even if he says he does . . . he hasn't done anything about it & has in fact taken steps to have their finances be even more joined. So there must be something about the arrangement that he likes. Contributing to a marriage & family is about a lot more than who makes the money & pays the bills/ has the insurance. She could be taking care of the house & kids . . . while, honestly, I used to look down on people who chose to do that, now I start to think about how hard it must be to run a household & I realize that money is not everything . . . my xMM's wife, for example, was contributing a lot more to their family & children by being at home with them, spending time with them, helping the household & business run smoothly . . . while he was making all the money but was out playing around with me! So I just don't think it's right that you judge her for being 'dependent' on him . . . she is not the one actively going against the family's best interests by cheating. For all you know she may be 'working' towards keeping the family together & happy. To me that is worth a lot more than money.

 

Overall, I'm glad you're going to talk to him & I think you need to keep your distance because this man lied to you & is not showing he has an intention to divorce her but has instead shown that he is willing to do what it takes to keep the family together. At this point there is no place for you in the story. I say that having learned it the hard way. As much as my xMM said he wanted to be with me & would do what it takes, I looked at his actions & saw that he was actually doing whatever it took to keep his family together [& keep cheating with me] . . . and that there was no place for me because that was not the kind of relationship/life I wanted. Good luck.

 

PS You say he is tired of her depending on him financially & despises that she hasn't advanced in her education or a career. But that contradicts the fact that he married her so that she could go on his insurance. Does he just resent her for these things but let them happen anyway? What kind of a man is that? You also say that you are glad he is supporting his family but you contradict yourself by saying she shouldn't want to be 'supported.' Your post is just kind of all over the place to me & I think [from experience] that if you examine your attitude towards his wife, who is an innocent party or even a victim, but who you talk about as if she has done something really wrong & you hate her, you might gain some self-insight into your own motivations & actions. At least that is what happened to me . . . it hit me like a lightbulb that my involvement in xMM's affair was more about me & my own issues than I ever could have imagined when I was in the thick of things . . . the lovey-dovey & drama stages. Really try to take a step back & ask yourself why you have such a problem with this woman whose husband you're involved with. Really.

 

Wow! That was a great post 26

[carrie999]

You're right.

 

I shouldn't have posted as I did. It was decidedly uncool and not terribly helpful. Thanks for calling me out on that, I deserved it.

 

Apologies to the OP for what was and is an entirely useless and unnecessary post.

 

JW

 

Thank you for recognizing that, JW. That is decidedly cool of you

[carrie999]

Again, this must be YOUR view/opinion. My mom married at 19, had a kid at 20, 21 and 23. My dad was 18 when they married. They started dating at 16. Here it is, 49 years later, and they are STILL together, still happy, still in love and both independent. You cannot say people don't develop independence or a clear sense of self. You can say that it applies to YOU; but you shouldn't make sweeping generalizations, especially when I know there are plenty of cases of the opposite of your opinion.

 

Good for your parents, FO. Yes, I made generalizations, and also mentioned they didn't apply to everyone. But did either of your parents have an affair, and follow it up by saying they always loved someone else? Settle down, buddy, and stick to the context of the OP's situation.

 

It truly sounds like you are encouraging this woman to stay with a cheater, who recently married the mother of his almost grown child(ren)

 

I omitted most of this paragraph because you clearly didn't read what I wrote, so I won't bother to address most of your rant. I'll reiterate that I didn't encourage her to stay with her MM for a lot of reasons. If you need clarification, re-read what I said, and come back with any questions.

 

OP, I hope you update on us about your talk with him and I hope you watch his actions and not just rely on his words. If he loved you like you believe, he would be moving mountains to be with you; not marrying his life in lover of 16 years. I hope you can step away from him until he is formally divorced from his informal wife.

 

I hope so too, OP. Their are people here, unlike FO, who aren't angry, and aren't regurgitating catch phrases to make the point that all betraying spouses are awful people. FYI- beware of too much quoting from "infidelity experts" and phrases like, "If he really loved you, he'd move mountains to be with you," or "he's gaslighting his wife." Just saving you from figuring out on your own that those who respond that way are basically chastising you, not for your own good, but because they're just plain angry and have chosen to work it out on this forum rather than in therapy or in a boxing ring.

[phillyfan]

Dude i am lovin this informal marriage thing, does it realy exist?

[woinlove]

The laws governing informal marriage depend on where you live. Here is what Texas says about informal marriage:

 

Informal Marriage License

 

An informal marriage, also called a common-law marriage, is more than merely "living together." The parties to an informal marriage must have agreed to be married, lived together as husband and wife after such an agreement, and represented to others that they are married.

 

Couples in an informal marriage may wish to make it a matter of record without the formal ceremony. To accomplish this, the couple must sign a declaration and file it with the county clerk.

 

ETA: The "informal marriage license" can only be dissolved with a "formal" divorce.

Edited August 25, 2011 by woinlove

[woinlove]

Actually, I see Texas does make one distinction between an informal and formal marriage for divorce (most places don't). If you want to end your marriage in less than 2 years, you need to formally divorce. However, if you both agree to end it, just by living apart for 2 years, your marriage will end without a formal divorce. But you have to make sure you agree, because otherwise you could live apart for a decade and one spouse could still claim they considered you to be married. Sounds safest to get a divorce if you really don't want to be married anymore.

[Emme]

Yes, she will always be a family member. But why would he marry her, even informally, if he's planning on leaving? If he leaves her, his responsibility is only to his children. He may feel responsible for her, and may want to help her beyond what any court dictates, but that is very different from making it legal.

 

 

 

My perception on life is quite different. Some people think that because a relationship has physically ended then there is no more means to care for the partner they were once with. I don’t believe that someone should abandon a partner be it one of his past that he shares a child with. Some people believe that once its over they should disappear and if they need help in life an ex should leave them to there own destruction. The thing is some people would rather show a stranger an act of kindness versus a person they once loved… to me that’s sad. I understand her frustration only on not being informed. If for one second she had the thought that this woman should be dismissed and not treated as though she has significance, please get that thought out of your mind. She is the mother of his children… helping her out when she is going through a rough patch will never come to an end. Even when the child is an adult an ex can still be a helping hand to someone, especially one who’s a parent to their child. Sometimes it’s never ending. Get use to the idea, don’t try to dismiss it.

 

Her issue to me is lack of communication. She is with someone who would rather hide his actions be it to not start an argument. That right there is a major issue if that’s the case. He can’t be open with her about helping his ex. Personally no one can tell me what to do with my assets, period. Unless you are my spouse and anything that should be discussed that’s jointly fine. Anything that is mine it is my decision to choose what I wish to do. If in that process you’re wounded, lick your wounds, they will heal. I won’t stand by and abandon someone who’s been dear to me in life so your ego won’t be bruised.

 

If her man is a liar, he was always a liar. That should be nothing new. Try and communicate with him to get to the truth. That’s all she can do. She’s still a married woman. I have yet to see her post when her divorce will be finalized. If trying to work on why he did what he did doesn’t open up the flood gates, pack your bags and walk away. Everyone has a choice.

[Mimolicious]

I work in HR and this sounds like a load of baloney! Why are you falling for it? Reread what you posted ... He MARRIED his long time girlfriend/mother of his child! He has had you as his side lover for 20 months! He got you good! No way in the world is there a "informal marriage" form that a insurance company needs! Mind you, I only know of info in the US, so if this situation is outside the US, maybe..maybe ... But just use google and see if you can find any garbage about an "informal marriage" baloney.

 

 

I agree with some of your points. I mean, this sounds like comedy to be honest.

 

Common-law marriages statutes differ from one state to the other. Regardless, I want to say 16yrs of living together is at that point universal that they have such "union" or Domestic Partner status. Some states require 7yrs or so. Besides, even the IRS recognizes such and if I am not mistaking since back in the late 90's also does health insurance (depending on the state). These bills vary from state to state mostly because of the "same sex marriage" issues that the "civil union" policies arise. Still there are potential issues with Federal Law, like not entitled to SSI, Immigration rights, Federal Tax, etc.

 

But the story that the OP has going on here, doesn't sound like it's really the reason why her MM (Oops! what do we call him though? ) has such contract. From someone that comes with an HR background, this also sounds like bullshyte, since domestic partners are eligible for coverage. The child, is a given that she is covered if the dad has insurance and puts her as a dependent. Besides, even step-children (not adopted) who live with you are eligible.

[Mimolicious]

Oh and forgot to mention. There is not such a things as "Common law divorce", there are states who "annull" the marriage or else it's still a dissolution.

 

Seems like you are in fact with a MM.

[Mimolicious]

Fight4Me, I agree with you that with form or without form, it does not change their status and that is exactly what he told me, that nothing has changed between them and maybe that is the reason he did not tell me anything because he did not give it much thought but still, he should have told me. Your reply makes me feel better but unfortunately it does not take from the fact that he kept me in the dark. I also told him that he would have been required to go through a formal divorce since there are kids and assets involved, even without filing that form.

 

 

Forget about their status for a second... In reality, their "status" legal or not, is still the same. They have a family, share a roof, and live as H & W. I am sure that when they introduce each other, they don't say this is my "babydaddy such and such". Question is: What is your status? Hasn't changed either!! You are still dealing with an involved dude that has a person who he runs his every day life with. What are you going to do to change that? It's pretty obvious to us that he has 2 choices but so do you!

[Silly_Girl]

This is so not cool carrie, you called jw out but you took your own rant several steps further. Pot meet kettle.

 

The phrase 'it's half a dozen versus three twos' springs to mind.

[woinlove]

The phrase 'it's half a dozen versus three twos' springs to mind.

 

Are you planning to launch into an angry rant, SG? Because we seem to be at least one short for your math.

[Silly_Girl]

Let's see sg......that makes twice so far in one day. Must be bored uh.

 

You used 'pot' and 'kettle' already, so I'm stuck for a reply.

 

Are you planning to launch into an angry rant, SG? Because we seem to be at least one short for your math.

 

Yeah, I'm building to a really angry rant, just v-e-r-y slowly. And a quick tip - never trust my maths.

[fooled once]

 

I hope so too, OP. Their are people here, unlike FO, who aren't angry, and aren't regurgitating catch phrases to make the point that all betraying spouses are awful people. FYI- beware of too much quoting from "infidelity experts" and phrases like, "If he really loved you, he'd move mountains to be with you," or "he's gaslighting his wife." Just saving you from figuring out on your own that those who respond that way are basically chastising you, not for your own good, but because they're just plain angry and have chosen to work it out on this forum rather than in therapy or in a boxing ring.

 

 

Angry? What makes you say that? Maybe you got confused ... because I am far from angry. Catch phrases? Doesn't this song and dance get old for you? Those that disagree are angry, bitter and use catch phrases.

 

What exactly am I angry about since you are all about making accusations? Let's see, I am happily married, have great kids and a fantastic job.

 

You are with a MM.

 

I am sorry the MM you are with hasn't left his wife. I am sorry that it is hurting you But please do not take it out on those of us who aren't in affairs or who are giving our opinion (just like you). I hate seeing some of these women hurting and being lied to and betrayed. I know that is the risk of being in an affair; but some really want to break free and find their own happiness with someone, not just be a side fling.

[bentnotbroken]

 

Angry? What makes you say that? Maybe you got confused ... because I am far from angry. Catch phrases? Doesn't this song and dance get old for you? Those that disagree are angry, bitter and use catch phrases.

 

What exactly am I angry about since you are all about making accusations? Let's see, I am happily married, have great kids and a fantastic job.

 

You are with a MM.

 

I am sorry the MM you are with hasn't left his wife. I am sorry that it is hurting you But please do not take it out on those of us who aren't in affairs or who are giving our opinion (just like you). I hate seeing some of these women hurting and being lied to and betrayed. I know that is the risk of being in an affair; but some really want to break free and find their own happiness with someone, not just be a side fling.

 

 

Come on! Stop pretending. You know why you are angry and bitter:p You know you are only here to be angry and bitter. You are really doing a piss poor job of being angry and bitter. Try harder.

[carrie999]

My perception on life is quite different. Some people think that because a relationship has physically ended then there is no more means to care for the partner they were once with. I don’t believe that someone should abandon a partner be it one of his past that he shares a child with.

 

I agree with you, Emme. My ex-boyfriend, who I lived with for two years, was very private. He worked insane hours (usually over 100 hours a week), made over $100K/year, but always seemed to be struggling a little to make ends meet. Eventually he told me that he & his ex-wife never sought lawyers or any form of mediation when they divorced. He chose to pay for their home, including rent, utilities, and every expense from food to clothing to summer camps, plus anything she needed for "liquid" income, like movies and vacations, etc. As long as she was working part-time so that she could be there for their children, he supported her...and the money she made was hers. I admired his dedication to his family, and respected what he was doing to take care of them in the absence of his constant presence. It did eventually break us up, because the way he was living and working, he only had time to work and see his kids in the few hours he wasn't working. But I completely agree with taking care of the mother of your children above and beyond what the courts require.

 

Her issue to me is lack of communication.

 

Yep. And I suspect there's more to this story.

[carrie999]

 

Angry? What makes you say that? Maybe you got confused ... because I am far from angry. Catch phrases? Doesn't this song and dance get old for you? Those that disagree are angry, bitter and use catch phrases.

 

What exactly am I angry about since you are all about making accusations? Let's see, I am happily married, have great kids and a fantastic job.

 

If you're so happy, why are you here posting constantly, specifically chastising OW/OW?

 

You are with a MM.

 

Thank you, Captain Obvious

 

I am sorry the MM you are with hasn't left his wife. I am sorry that it is hurting you But please do not take it out on those of us who aren't in affairs or who are giving our opinion (just like you). I hate seeing some of these women hurting and being lied to and betrayed. I know that is the risk of being in an affair; but some really want to break free and find their own happiness with someone, not just be a side fling.

 

You have no idea what my situation is with MM. Early on, yes, I posted about my situation at length and was honest about the growing pains and fear of it ending. Nothing about the situation is hurting me now aside from the fact that losing him is hurting her so much, and hurting her hurts him so much. That much was inevitable, long before the affair started, because their marriage was already effectively over.

 

The only thing I'm "taking out" on anyone here now is frustration with the few posters who seem to hang out here all day, looking for someone new to chastise for being terrible people for becoming involved with someone who is married. It's really counter-productive to the intention of this board. It's fine for BS, fBS, and fOW/OM to come here and admonish people in new affairs to think seriously about the repercussions. But this isn't a forum in which to throw stones or beat up on those who are vulnerable and asking for support, particularly when they're clearly already conflicted.

 

There's a difference between constructive criticism and borderline abuse. I'm sorry if my opinion offends you, but you really should think more carefully about the language and tone you use before posting. Otherwise, expect that you'll either meet some criticism for the way you treat people, or this particular forum will become obsolete and you'll finally have to deal with your anger at OW/OM by just talking to others who share that view.

[carrie999]

This is so not cool carrie, you called jw out but you took your own rant several steps further. Pot meet kettle.

 

Sorry, BB, but I don't see it that way. JW apologized to the OP, and that was very cool...and JW wouldn't have done so if it wasn't clear that this forum is not intended to "reform" OW/OM by by dressing them down. It's here to support them, whether just listening and sympathizing, or pointing out why it seems their situation is going to blow up and hurt everyone involved. There is a way to do the latter, and it's all about tone, and intention. The intention should be to offer support and advice, without making them feel like they have nowhere to turn for constructive advice.

 

I have no problem with BS and rOW/OM running the board, and sharing how hurtful an affair was to them, as long as they do so with the right intentions: helping those involved in affairs. Treating someone poorly will only lead them to react in anger, or shut down and stop talking.

 

OP is new here and should understand that involvement in an affair does not make her a bad person. She should feel comfortable posting, and receiving a combination of criticism and sympathy.

 

Truth is, a lot of people who post here are (or have been) questioning everything about themselves. Many if not most are very good people who never envisioned being in this situation. Some are feeling extremely low. Yes, it's an anonymous message board where it should be easy to brush off harsh and sometimes downright mean comments, but that's not easy for those who are feeling alone and deeply conflicted, and maybe very angry with themselves for being in this role. Everyone should consider before posting that their comments may really hurt someone and push them over the edge.