drifter777 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Young (both 24) married couple with 3 year-old child having marital problems. Husband decides they need a break and leaves. They make no legal arrangements and decide to see how they feel after time passes. No "rules" regarding dating discussed as each assumed they were still married so no need. Husband continues to see child on weekends or whenever wife asks. After a couple months they begin to extend the visits when husband picks up/drops off child. They begin having sex and he stays over 2 - 4 times per week. Both decide that husband should not move back permanently until firm decision to reconcile - they don't want to confuse child more than they already have done. Wife goes on prearranged week-long vacation with her family and husband stays home with child. When wife returns she tells husband that she met someone while on vacation and that she wants husband to leave permanently ASAP. OM is going to move in with her. Husband is shocked, hurt but decides he must accept this and moves the rest of belongings out. Husband will not enter the house but continues to see child regularly. Three weeks go by. Then husband is bringing child home after weekend visit and wife comes outside and asks him to come in to talk. She tells him that she kicked OM out and wants husband to come back permanently. Wife shows no guilt because "we were separated" and, besides, the experience was good for her in that she found that sex with other men wasn't "better". She told husband of ONS with some random guy plus the OM that she brought home. Wife is very happy in that now she is sure she loves husband and is making the right decision to make the marriage work. Husband is confused and shocked by wife's behavior - the sex with other men, and now her strong commitment to the marriage. She shows zero guilt and not the least bit of regret. Maybe she is right? Maybe this is ok - even a "good" thing? Husband wants to try to make marriage work and staying seems only way that will be possible. He thinks maybe he can put this incident behind him and things will be better in the future. He decides to move back with wife & child and try to be happy. This is a snapshot of a real-life scenario. What do you think about this? Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 I would so tell her to kiss my ass backwards and sideways. Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Husband needs to be reminded, that if it worked out with OM, she would be more than happy still restricting his presence in her life to seeing children. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Since she didn't clarify the separation applied to sex and dating, yes it is cheating. She at the very least needs to acknowledge that her husband will go through the same physiological and psychological hurt no matter what stupid way she wishes to define it. They could call it "chocolate chip cookies" for all that it matters but if she wants her marriage in the slightest, she needs to accept, support and show her trustworthiness overall. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Hey DoT...no stealing my sayings!!! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Hey DoT...no stealing my sayings!!! I didn't steal nothing...... :shifty eyes: They need a shifty eyes emoticon What phrase are you referring to? Link to post Share on other sites
reddog63 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Young (both 24) married couple with 3 year-old child having marital problems. Husband decides they need a break and leaves. They make no legal arrangements and decide to see how they feel after time passes. No "rules" regarding dating discussed as each assumed they were still married so no need. Husband continues to see child on weekends or whenever wife asks. After a couple months they begin to extend the visits when husband picks up/drops off child. They begin having sex and he stays over 2 - 4 times per week. Both decide that husband should not move back permanently until firm decision to reconcile - they don't want to confuse child more than they already have done. Wife goes on prearranged week-long vacation with her family and husband stays home with child. When wife returns she tells husband that she met someone while on vacation and that she wants husband to leave permanently ASAP. OM is going to move in with her. Husband is shocked, hurt but decides he must accept this and moves the rest of belongings out. Husband will not enter the house but continues to see child regularly. Three weeks go by. Then husband is bringing child home after weekend visit and wife comes outside and asks him to come in to talk. She tells him that she kicked OM out and wants husband to come back permanently. Wife shows no guilt because "we were separated" and, besides, the experience was good for her in that she found that sex with other men wasn't "better". She told husband of ONS with some random guy plus the OM that she brought home. Wife is very happy in that now she is sure she loves husband and is making the right decision to make the marriage work. Husband is confused and shocked by wife's behavior - the sex with other men, and now her strong commitment to the marriage. She shows zero guilt and not the least bit of regret. Maybe she is right? Maybe this is ok - even a "good" thing? Husband wants to try to make marriage work and staying seems only way that will be possible. He thinks maybe he can put this incident behind him and things will be better in the future. He decides to move back with wife & child and try to be happy. This is a snapshot of a real-life scenario. What do you think about this? I would tell the husband what a dumb move it was to move out of the house and let another man come in. If my wife tried that, I would have told her not in my house. I would have sought out help from a lawyer to keep a virtual stranger from being in the same house as my kids. I would have told everyone she knows, family,friends, etc what his wife was trying to do. The pressure may have kept the OM from moving in. Ohhh, and a ONS.......ask her if she would have had a problem if roles were reversed. And with all that in the past now what i would do now. I would play nice while i planned a divorce. I would get my sh_t together, from money to whatever else I can think about. I would do this with some help from an attorney getting legal advice. When all my ducks were in a row, I would serve her with divorce papers. I just could not live with the fact that she thought it was ok and that you will just live with it. I would not want to be with a woman who thinks like that. And I just don't understand why the husband would move out in the first place. Did it not occur to tell her to get the f out??? Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 I think this couple is in dire need of communication skills. What they do not communicate to each other is simply astonishing! He left. Why? What did HE communicate to her? He was unhappy with the relationship....why? What parameters were set regarding separation? By her? By him? If he left, witout a clear discussion about the reason for the separation, what the goals were they should try to achieve, what plans were in place to improve the marriage( IC? MC?), then WTH? If my H leaves me with no clear goals for improvement, I would assume he is gone for good and wanting to date others. IF I had no communication otherwise from him, I would think I had carte blanche to do the same. Not enough info here to offer advice or support. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Husband was/is the "fall back on" and will be second best as long as he's M'd to this W. She will continue to look for "the one" and will have H at home. Can this be saved, yes. But, W needs to realize she did cheat, show remorse for what she's done, and 100% commit to fixing herself and her M. A BH should never move out and allow the OM to move into HIS home. If a WW wants the OM, SHE should move, or D. Link to post Share on other sites
Severely Unamused Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Is this husband you, drifter? Yes, I'd consider it cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
shayla Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Oh she thinks she wasn't cheating because they were "seperated" and now has decided after screwing at least 2 men in her marital bed that she loooooves her husband and wants him back? This woman is trying to pour syrup on sh*t and call it pancakes. I don't care what you call it, or when it was. It was cheating...ugh skank. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 I guess if the husband was willing to move out of the home with no Qs asked, that would like a pretty big green light. Somehow I doubt the h stayed celibate through the whole thing. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Young (both 24) married couple with 3 year-old child having marital problems. Husband decides they need a break and leaves. They make no legal arrangements and decide to see how they feel after time passes. No "rules" regarding dating discussed as each assumed they were still married so no need. Husband continues to see child on weekends or whenever wife asks. After a couple months they begin to extend the visits when husband picks up/drops off child. They begin having sex and he stays over 2 - 4 times per week. Both decide that husband should not move back permanently until firm decision to reconcile - they don't want to confuse child more than they already have done. Wife goes on prearranged week-long vacation with her family and husband stays home with child. When wife returns she tells husband that she met someone while on vacation and that she wants husband to leave permanently ASAP. OM is going to move in with her. Husband is shocked, hurt but decides he must accept this and moves the rest of belongings out. Husband will not enter the house but continues to see child regularly. Three weeks go by. Then husband is bringing child home after weekend visit and wife comes outside and asks him to come in to talk. She tells him that she kicked OM out and wants husband to come back permanently. Wife shows no guilt because "we were separated" and, besides, the experience was good for her in that she found that sex with other men wasn't "better". She told husband of ONS with some random guy plus the OM that she brought home. Wife is very happy in that now she is sure she loves husband and is making the right decision to make the marriage work. Husband is confused and shocked by wife's behavior - the sex with other men, and now her strong commitment to the marriage. She shows zero guilt and not the least bit of regret. Maybe she is right? Maybe this is ok - even a "good" thing? Husband wants to try to make marriage work and staying seems only way that will be possible. He thinks maybe he can put this incident behind him and things will be better in the future. He decides to move back with wife & child and try to be happy. This is a snapshot of a real-life scenario. What do you think about this? It was the husband that left the marriage. He's the one that decided he needed a break. When you separate from your spouse, then people are allowed to date someone else. He has only himself to blame that his wife decided to test the waters after he had moved out. If she wants him back now, he should take that opportunity that is offered to him. That's the risk you take when you decide to separate--your spouse might decide to go out with somebody else or have sex with somebody else. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 When the husband decided he "needs a break" and moved out, did he date and have sex with other women? If so, I'd say they are about even. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 When the husband decided he "needs a break" and moved out, did he date and have sex with other women? If so, I'd say they are about even. Even if he didn't go out with others, and it sounds like he didn't, if he moves out and leaves the marriage, then he has no claim on his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 I think it doesn't matter what you call it. If one person requests a "seperation" in a marriage...and either party opts to 'date' during that time...there's going to be repercussions that are going to have to be addressed and dealt with in order for the two of them to successfully 'resume' their relationship/marriage at a later date. Anger/jealousy/whatever...it's going to crop up, and have to be addressed and managed in some fashion. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Young (both 24) married couple with 3 year-old child having marital problems. Husband decides they need a break and leaves. They make no legal arrangements and decide to see how they feel after time passes. No "rules" regarding dating discussed as each assumed they were still married so no need. Husband continues to see child on weekends or whenever wife asks. After a couple months they begin to extend the visits when husband picks up/drops off child. They begin having sex and he stays over 2 - 4 times per week. Both decide that husband should not move back permanently until firm decision to reconcile - they don't want to confuse child more than they already have done. Wife goes on prearranged week-long vacation with her family and husband stays home with child. When wife returns she tells husband that she met someone while on vacation and that she wants husband to leave permanently ASAP. OM is going to move in with her. Husband is shocked, hurt but decides he must accept this and moves the rest of belongings out. Husband will not enter the house but continues to see child regularly. Three weeks go by. Then husband is bringing child home after weekend visit and wife comes outside and asks him to come in to talk. She tells him that she kicked OM out and wants husband to come back permanently. Wife shows no guilt because "we were separated" and, besides, the experience was good for her in that she found that sex with other men wasn't "better". She told husband of ONS with some random guy plus the OM that she brought home. Wife is very happy in that now she is sure she loves husband and is making the right decision to make the marriage work. Husband is confused and shocked by wife's behavior - the sex with other men, and now her strong commitment to the marriage. She shows zero guilt and not the least bit of regret. Maybe she is right? Maybe this is ok - even a "good" thing? Husband wants to try to make marriage work and staying seems only way that will be possible. He thinks maybe he can put this incident behind him and things will be better in the future. He decides to move back with wife & child and try to be happy. This is a snapshot of a real-life scenario. What do you think about this? How do you know that EACH assumed the same thing. Seems like the wife assumed she was free to date and sleep with whoever she wanted. In that case its bad communication and not really cheating - since it was never discussed and the husband can't really base it all on an assumption that he knew what the wife was thinking. It should have been something that was asked and discussed at the time of the separation. I think the the husband in this case should go out and sleep with a few women - while still on the break with the wife - it wouldn't be cheating, she did it under the assumption that its not - so that should work out for him too. 2nd - I think the husband was very irresponsible in letting another man (who could potentially be a child molester) live in the same house as his kid - what's the thought process there? 3rd - If the husband feels used and that the wife conveniently wants to be with him after having her fun - he's right to feel that way, and I could see how it would be very difficult time getting past all this. Link to post Share on other sites
nyrias Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Even if he didn't go out with others, and it sounds like he didn't, if he moves out and leaves the marriage, then he has no claim on his wife. I also tend to agree with this view. He left. What does he expect? Link to post Share on other sites
nyrias Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 I think it doesn't matter what you call it. If one person requests a "seperation" in a marriage...and either party opts to 'date' during that time...there's going to be repercussions that are going to have to be addressed and dealt with in order for the two of them to successfully 'resume' their relationship/marriage at a later date. Anger/jealousy/whatever...it's going to crop up, and have to be addressed and managed in some fashion. It does because of all the baggage and blame that comes with cheating. It is one thing to deal with anger and jealousy. It is another to deal with betrayal. In this particular case, i dont even think exposure is relevant since the wife does not seem to be hiding her relationships with these other men. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Give me a break. Married is married, and without a specific agreement otherwise between both husband and wife, separated or not, having sex with a third party is cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 It does because of all the baggage and blame that comes with cheating. It is one thing to deal with anger and jealousy. It is another to deal with betrayal. In this particular case, i dont even think exposure is relevant since the wife does not seem to be hiding her relationships with these other men. I'd agree that exposure isn't needed, because she's not hiding anything. But...none of that negates the anger and jealousy that her H feels as a result of her relationships with these men. Yes, he feels like she 'cheated' on him. That's specifically what I'm referring to that needs to be dealt with...regardless if you want to label it "infidelity" or "cheating" or not...the anger and pain caused by her choice to engage in relationships with these other men is what they're going to have to work through. Calling it a label doesn't change whether or not they're going to have problems and/or issues to resolve as a result of these actions. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 The fact that all of us can't agree because we have different interpretations of the boundaries pretty clearly shows that they weren't clear either. And no one on this thread (so far) seems ingenuine. Link to post Share on other sites
nyrias Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 I'd agree that exposure isn't needed, because she's not hiding anything. But...none of that negates the anger and jealousy that her H feels as a result of her relationships with these men. Yes, he feels like she 'cheated' on him. That's specifically what I'm referring to that needs to be dealt with...regardless if you want to label it "infidelity" or "cheating" or not...the anger and pain caused by her choice to engage in relationships with these other men is what they're going to have to work through. Calling it a label doesn't change whether or not they're going to have problems and/or issues to resolve as a result of these actions. I am not disagreeing that there will be anger and jealousy. What i am saying is that since it is NOT cheating, the way to deal is also different. For example, all the NC, exposure, remorse & responsibility taking ... things important to a situation where cheating takes center stage ... are no longer necessarily or play a different role. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 I am not disagreeing that there will be anger and jealousy. What i am saying is that since it is NOT cheating, the way to deal is also different. For example, all the NC, exposure, remorse & responsibility taking ... things important to a situation where cheating takes center stage ... are no longer necessarily or play a different role. I don't know that I agree with that...so what steps do you feel they would have to take to resolve all of this, vs the steps you feel they'd need to do if they called it cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 I am not disagreeing that there will be anger and jealousy. What i am saying is that since it is NOT cheating, the way to deal is also different. How exactly is it NOT cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
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