Wish I Could Accept Eternal Spinsterhood

[verhrzn]

I can't say that I've had the worst luck in love. In fact, I've had barely any luck at all.

 

In the last year, I've only had two guys interested in me, and both of those were interested in me only as far as being casual/FWBs. The first one dumped me after 6 months for being unattractive (not my imagination, he TOLD me that over the voice mail) and the second guy is just stringing me along until he finds something better (he has this super hot nerdy girl whom he hangs out with once a week, plays video games with her all day into the night until it's so late he crashes on her couch.... I figure the only reason he's bothering with me at all is because she hasn't agreed to date him yet, cause there is NO way I can compete with a hot nerdy girl.)

 

I just feel so hopeless. I've tried to improve my situation... I work out (I'm 5'1 and range between 120-130 pounds), I have fun hobbies (video games, belly dancing, martial arts, HUGE reader), I wear make-up. I've tried OKCupid, EHarmony, and Match.com for anywhere from 6 months to a year. (Dropped EHarmony and Match after 6 months, been on OKCupid nearly a year.)

 

Yet for the last year... only these two guys showed even the vaguest of interests.

 

I can't figure out what's wrong with me. I've posted threads here about believing I'm ugly but posters have said that's not the issue. But then what is? Why do I never get hit on? Why are guys never interested beyond using me? It's not like I go for "jerks"... I far prefer nerdy guys over any other type.

 

I'm nearly at my wits' end. I nearly burst into tears at the end of the each work day knowing that I'm going back to an empty apartment to hang out with my cat. (My friends are all in couples, and I can't seem to make any new ones.)

 

Everybody tells me that I need to just be satisfied with my life. But I don't know how. I don't know how to give up the desire to have a relationship. How do I do it? How do I accept being alone forever... never getting to share my life with someone, own a house (could never afford it on my own), or have kids, or any of those experiences that supposedly make life so rewarding. (I do pretty much at work, but I'm never gonna be talented enough to have my "dream job," to make up for things I lack outside work.)

 

How do I give those up? How do I accept what I am and what life is turning out to be... me, alone?

[torn_curtain]

aww.... (((Hugs)))

 

Can't write more now but I just wanted to express that I can totally relate to what you're going through in this thread. I've been there many times.

 

I would call myself attractive, but guys rarely show any interest in me and it's been a lifelong mystery to me why. I've been able to get boyfriends and had a number of relationships, but I don't feel like I've ever had as many options as I'd like.

 

You're not alone, and it does suck.

Edited August 23, 2011 by torn_curtain

[neowulf]

Everyone goes through rough patches now and then.

 

I know it's hard. I can relate.

 

Firstly, wanting a relationship, someone to share your life with is a perfectly normal and healthy thing to want. So don't try and repress those desires in yourself. You'll need them, to keep you open to a new relationship.

 

If you're interested, you might like to try out a little exercise I came across years ago that actually helped me a tone.

 

This isn't some mystical "Ask the universe" stuff. More that it helped me identify and remove some subconscious blocks that were keeping me from noticing opportunities around me.

 

Every day, open your favorite word processor and type;

"I am now in my ideal relationship with my perfect partner"

 

Pause for a few seconds and write what ever happens to come into your head. Might be nothing. Might be "No I'm not!", "this is stupid" etc. It doesn't matter. Just write it down.

 

Then repeat the process 22 times. It should take about 30 minutes tops.

Repeat this process daily for at least 11 days, then take a break for a week and start again.

 

Yes, yes.. I know how it sounds, but I was seriously surprised at some of the self-talk that I uncovered about myself and my feelings about relationships when I did this.

 

In fact, about a month after I started doing this I landed in my first deeply serious relationship.

 

Fact is, if you're a pretty, intelligent girl with a half way decent figure.. you'll get guys. We're no where near as fussy as the media makes us out to be. Most of us are chasing nice, normal, healthy attractive women.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

Edited August 24, 2011 by neowulf

[TigerCub]

Hi Verhrzn

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so down.

 

A few things:

1. How old are you? You sound young, but this whole spinster comment implies that you're not.

 

ok, onto the advice:

1. Don't be used by anyone. If you let someone hang out with you because they simply can't do better and they're just using you, you're breaking your own self esteem down every time you're with them (hanging out, doing anything sexual, etc...). You're doing more damage to your own self esteem.

 

2. You're projecting this whole negative view of yourself. You settle for crap, you think of yourself as unattractive, you pity yourself.

Stop doing that!!!

Even if you were the most gorgeous girl to walk the earth, if you view yourself the way you do now, you'd project that and THAT would make you seem so unappealing.

 

You do have to be ok with you and your life, men are just the icing on the cake.

 

I do completely understand that it sucks to be alone and not have a special someone, I totally get that, but you need to honestly love you first.

 

I'm sorry that sounds like such cookie cutter advice, but its true, if you're not good with you, why would you expect anyone else to value you?

 

It really sounds like you have major self esteem issues, and I am personally a fan of therapy, I think it does wonders.

 

I saw a therapist when I had self esteem issues and it really helped. I suggest you do that.

 

Once you feel better about yourself, you're more likely to take better care of yourself, you'll project more confidence and happiness and that will draw more people to you, because it would make you way more appealing, and you'd just be a happier person in general even if the changes you want with regards to dating don't happen right away.

 

I wish you the best

[nyc_guy2003]

I've posted threads here about believing I'm ugly but posters have said that's not the issue. But then what is?

 

Like somedude81 mentioned in another thread, you're not going to get a realistic assessment of how people perceive your looks on this forum. I have yet to see anyone tell anyone else they're obese, unattractive, short, etc. even if they clearly are. While that says something about how positive people are on this forum (or maybe how unwilling they are to be confrontational) it is not very helpful if you want an honest opinion of your looks.

[OnyxSnowfall]

Hmmmmmmmmm. Honestly, I don't believe in settling but... if you're going to believe you'll end up miserable either way...

 

I would just "date" men in general. Not confine it to one type or another. Just genuinely try to get to know different kinds of men. You may open more doors that way, ones you never realized were even there... you may learn more about yourself too. Plus, there's got to be other men interested in you that perhaps you are overlooking... it could be considered "settling" in one light, but in another it could be considered being more open-minded/just exploring.

 

Also, I've met a few men who've been intimidated by "intelligent" women. Really... one even out-right declared to me that he was highly interested in me, up until I informed him I enjoyed philosophy/science, reading/writing etc... he was over the top defensive about it and starting spewing some pretty chauvinistic things out lol.

 

Perhaps you are just located in an area where men have a tendency to feel threatened by your intellect. I don't really know what it could be, but it's one thing to consider. If that's the case, it's probably a good thing that they're put off by it...

 

You could try asking the men (if you haven't already) why they aren't into you too.

[AHardDaysNight]

I am the same way. In fact, I've never had a girlfriend, and I'm nearing 30.

 

I wish I could accept eternal bachelorhood, but I just...can't. And I can't understand why I can't attract girls. I'm a musician, I thought I was supposed to have lots of groupies!

[Emilia]

Of course looks are relevant to a degree but they are not the decisive factor in your life - otherwise unattractive people wouldn't exist because they would have been 'bred out'.

 

You are your own worst enemy, much more so than others are

[breakfastmeat]

Negative self-talk manifests itself in the way you carry yourself and relate with others. You may not realize it but it does. If you think you're a loser, you come off as one, and people are put off by it. I've had to cope with eliminating this attitude myself because I know I project myself negatively. When the guy said you were "unattractive," he may have meant just that. Unattractiveness on the inside projected outward.

[Saraswati57]

I feel a deep pang of sympathy when this happens to people. You said that one guy referred to you as unattractive, a jerk of course, but can you glean something useful from that? I think untruthful but nice can do people the greatest harm, if there is one niggling flaw that is keeping them from succeeding in today's society that no one wants to point out or are to vague about it. Do you have any idea what would make him think something like that? (the unattractive thing) if it's simply an issue of weight that can be overcome. Many people in relationships like to sit quietly on their pedestal saying "just be thankful you're not a starving ethiopian child with aids!" when referring to someone being single, and then they say "you have no one to blame for your unhappiness but yourself" the latter might be true but changing your psychology to where you have NO expectations, or very little, is no way to live.

[AHardDaysNight]

Don't give up, since you sound like a good catch. Most likely it's just bad luck that is hindering you.

 

I would date you, since you have good attributes lol..

 

I just don't understand how bad luck seems to follow so many people.

 

So many people are single and unhappy...

[Floridaman]

How do I give those up? How do I accept what I am and what life is turning out to be... me, alone?

26 isn't "too old."

Many people don't get married nowadays until their 30s.

 

During my 20s, I did horrible at dating, and only got into 3 LTRs from 26-29, ranging from 6 mos. to 1.5 years.

It wasn't until I met my future wife @ 30 through an arranged date that things began to click...

That blind date came after I said how I wasn't doing well at dating to a mutual friend.

 

My future wife was in her mid-30s and had never been married either, so the timing worked out there.

 

Short advice:

Be confident in who you are and keep to meeting men. Eventually, you'll meet one.