Help wife moved out

[darran]

Hi, my name is Darran, I am 28 and have been with my partner for 6 years out which 3 we have been married.

 

We have had our ups and downs, as any couple, but 4 weeks ago my wife moved out. I know my wife isnt with another man as I spoke with her the other day and she would tell me if that was the case. My wife is honest and loving.

 

My situation is that I havnt been what you would call the perfect husband, I have been neglecting my wife and not sharing myself emotionally enough with her... this is the reason for her departure. I love my wife dearly and really do want to rebuild our marriage and start fresh. I am looking at this realistically, divorce has already been mentioned and in fact she visited a solicitor. When I asked if this is what she really wanted she replied that this is what YOU want, I then asked her if I should sign the papers when they arrive, she didnt give me a straight answer other than do what you want.

 

She has mentioned that we wont be getting back together again but after 30-40 minutes talking (small talk) I asked her if she still had feelings for me, she said she still loves me but cannot handle being hurt again. I have thought about just trying to move on and finalise the divorce but something is telling me not to take the easy route out of what could have been a great marriage, I love my wife dearlly, I get along very well with her entire family and we have had some great moments in life together. We both come from families were conflict between parents was normal, my parents eventually divorced however my wife's parents stayed together and worked on their marriag and today they are very happy, this has been my main driving force, knowing that my wife's parents went through similar experiences but came out of it and now are happy.

 

Please has anyone any advice on what I should do to try and rebuild my wife's trust in me and save my marriage. She has mentioned we wont get back together again but some how I feel that my wife is saying this to try and break free from the hurt I caused by neglecting her emotionally.

 

I know my faults, I wont say i have changed but i have learned a lot about myself and now know how to change through time, divorce is an option but to me I feel it isnt the sollution, we do love each other but she has made it quite clear that she doesnt want to be hurt anymore, but she has already said she doesnt want to be back with me. I have asked if she would like to go for a walk round a local forest park, she asked what for, I replied just to talk and have a nice day out.... I dont want to pressure her into anything I just want to make her happy again and save our marriage.

 

I love my wife and dont want to finalise the divorce, I know when I will do this that we probably both will regret it later in life.

 

someone please give me advice.

 

thank you very much in advance.

[sumdude]

Try getting her to agree to see a marriage councilor.

[Matilda]

Well, you haven't given much detail about the problem with your wife, other than to say you have been neglecting her, so it is difficult to give advice. If your wife is willing to go to counseling, that would be a good idea. It sounds like she has been so hurt that she is not willing to put herself in the position of being hurt again. This makes me think that this has been going on for a long time.

 

Rebuilding trust takes a long time, and sometimes it can't be done. I guess I would try to show her that you have made changes, and you really want to be a better husband. But, having been in this position with my first husband, I know there comes a time when you are not willing to subject yourself to more hurt, and there is basically nothing the other person can do. It is just too late.

 

I don't have any idea if you can do anything or not. I think I would try to get her to go to counseling. If she doesn't, then I would try to change my life for the better for my own sake, without involving her. And then maybe she would see that you can change, and were serious about making yourself a better person, and then again maybe she is past the point of being interested in that. She is the only one that can know that.

 

Take care, and I wish you the best.

[darran]

Thanks for the advice. Yes since we moved back to here it sorta went downhill, 4 years ago.

 

My wife called me from work today and arranged to meet me for a cup of coffee and a chat in a local cafe on Friday, I have spoken with her father and he said exactly what you said, turn myself around and prove to my wife I have made changes.

 

I was professionally Thaiboxing in Thailand (not the first time and definately not for the sex industry) from 29th December till 27th March, I was in a road accident and should have been seriously hurt, I did recieve hip injuries and some superficial back injuries but I never broke a bone in my body and luckily no one was seriously hurt. After my accident I was in shock for a while, I was driving a motorbike. This has really changed me as a person, realising the high road death statistics of Thailand and how lucky (I was very lucky to have been in very good shape) I was to come out of what should have been a serious road accident has changed my priorities.

 

On my way home, which I must add was a mess due to the resulting problems with the law over my accident, I learned my wife had left. I wondered why she never contacted me and I couldnt contact her. The only time in my life when I finally and truely realised I was being an a**h*** with the only woman who would have died for for me was when she left me.

 

In a sense I am glad she has left and this bike accident happend. Unless I would have had some kind of wake up call my marriage would have went on with no change, Probably resulting in a bigger mess than it is now. I realise my life is not exactly my life when I am married but it is our life, I am more than willing to try and make my wife happy, sharing time with her, talking, supporting her and taking weight of her shoulders, things that I simply didnt do or was bad at doing.

 

This isnt a case of it takes two to tango, my wife is a very true and loving, caring person, I have tried to find faults in her and all I can come up with is that she can be stubborn sometimes, in comparisons with my faults it looks like its me who needs to make some serious changes. She loves me as a person, she has told this to me many times but she doesnt love my faults. I am assuming they are like bad habbits, smoking, drinking etc. people do, and permanently, quit these bad habbits forever! I know if I work hard these issues can be resolved, not with my wife but with myself, for me and solved by me.

 

I realise what must be done to better myself, the reasons for my behaviour are no longer a mystery, in the last 4 weeks I have learned so much about myself that I simply cannot believe this was actually me!

 

I pray to God that it is his will that we work together to rebuild a wonderful marriage and relationship, in my heart I feel that all is not lost, this is not the denial stage of a seperation but something real, my heart tells me that everything will work out through time, when we speak together it just seems we are crying out for each other.

[Matilda]

Darran,

 

I think you have made a very good start. What you said reminded me of how I felt when I became pregnant with my first child. I had a sort of epiphany. I was suddenly very aware of what my priorities should be, and I wasn't at all happy with the way I was living my life. I had recently gotten married, and I was astounded that I had made such a poor choice in my husband.

 

So, yes, I definitely think people can change. I look back at the period of my life before I had my first child, and I can't believe it was me that made such poor choices. Or maybe, it was more like I wasn't making choices at all, I was letting life kind of carry me along, without any real idea about what I wanted.

 

My first husband and I divorced, and I have since remarried, and I live a very different life. Marriage is not always easy, but I can't imagine life without my current husband, and I truly can't believe how lucky I am to have him. And, I think that's a large part of a successful marriage, really realizing what you have together, and not taking the other for granted.

 

I am glad you made it through your wreck okay. Sometimes, I think things like that happen for a reason. I know when I got pregnant with my first child, it was an accident, and at first I thought it was the worst thing that possibly could have happpened. I already knew my marriage would not last, and that the man I married was not the man I wanted to be the father of my children. But, I look back and see this was truly the defining moment in my life.

 

I think you have been handed a "wake up call" on a silver platter. Take some time to take stock of your life, where you have been and where you want to go. How do you want to live your life? What do you want to think about yourself, and what do you want others to think about you? Do this for yourself, and if you are able to reconnect with your wife after doing it, then consider yourself a lucky man, and try not to screw up again.

 

Take care.