Wife started an affair now we're trying to deal with it - unconventionally

[agamennon0]

This is my first post - first time I've been on a forum at all.

The reason I'm posting, is to hopefully get some 3rd party insight regarding my situation. I'm having a hard time dealing with it, and a hard time understanding it myself.

 

My wife and I have been married for almost 14 years. A few months ago, a friend of hers who she used to visit with the kids to ride motorcycles left her husband. The husband invited my wife and kids over to the house to continue riding (he had custody of their kid), and I didn't think anything of it until I noticed how she was talking about him and how he looked at her. I asked her to stop seeing him. (It was more of almost accusing her of having an affair and we had a big fight about it.)

 

Then the night before going on a long anticipated vacation, I caught my wife on the phone at 2:30 am. She lied to me and continued to lie, until she couldn't lie anymore, and admitted a phone & text message relationship with the man. I was devastated. I have never thought of having an affair, or lying to my wife.

Despite the hardship, we went on the vacation, and I cranked up the romance while I tried to figure out what else to do. I told her if she needed to talk to him, or he called her (or text messaged her) that she just needed to tell me; until we figured this out. 5 days into the vacation I caught her talking with him... and again she tried to lie about it. All through the vacation they were talking. I nearly walked out at that moment. I came close. I actually left the hotel and stopped on the steps outside. I planned on driving her around, and then home, but it would be over and I would find somewhere else to stay... but I just couldn't do it.

 

Before I caught her talking with him again I'd told her that I had been unhappy for a long time, and she told me the same. I took a lot of blame on myself for not finding out what her needs were, and how best to fill them. I wanted to make it work. I wanted her back.

I went back in, but told her she had a decision to make... it was either him or me. She needed to decide, and after that decision, there could be no further contact. She told me I was her decision, but I told her to think on it all day, and what it meant.

We returned to the hotel that night and I went out for a walk... but I didn't walk much. I called the other man and we had a calm talk (I think that surprised him.) I wanted to know why he was doing this... I knew him after all, what had happened etc... I told him she was making a decision and would be calling him with that decision, and I asked him to respect it.

 

My wife cut it off with him, but it didn't help enough. She was unhappy, and she wasn't doing anything to help me or make me happy, while I was going overboard to make her happy and nothing seemed to be making a dent. I felt like I was the one making it up to her because I was doing so much to make it work while she wasn't doing anything. She said she was trying, but just couldn't do anything right now. On my side, I couldn't forget, I couldn't forgive, and I couldn't trust her.

 

When I write it, it seems we should've simply gotten a divorce. The problem was, I still loved her, and she said she still loved me. We had started out as best friends, and we didn't want to lose that. We talked jokingly about divorcing, being friends again, and living next to each other the rest of our lives... and from that grew plan b. Plan b is an open marriage with rules... where hopefully we can be friends again, and then build on that friendship like we did when we first got married. The rules part protects the kids and lays the guidelines, and since my wife doesn't work, it specifies what level of financial support I provide, and what she'll have to use her own money for. I also agreed to pay her for doing housework, so she has her own money. Plan b isn't perfect, but I was able to let go of a lot of baggage, and a lot of mistrust, and we've both been happier so it's better than before.

 

At this point, I've probably shocked a lot of people. The thing was, I really wasn't interested in an open marriage; although I may go out with my brother now, or get season tickets, or maybe go dancing or talk to other people; I really am not sure about anything else. I was more interested in her giving him up on her own, and being free to decide what she wanted. It didn't work out quite that way... she started seeing him more than ever, and when that upset me and I suggested a 1 month cooling off period, she couldn't go 12 hours without text messaging him 3 times and then lying about it.

 

Again we took stock, and we decided again on plan b... only this time I'm going to try and be JUST her friend. It's hard, and I wonder daily whether I'm the biggest sucker in the world; but truth be told, if I can only have part of her, and if we can grow old together as friends... I want it. If I have to find some happiness in the open marriage, then I'll do that too.

 

It's getting better, and easier to deal with; but my one fear is that she won't make the choice to get closer to me... If friends is all I can have, I've decided to take it... it's just not all I want.

 

Depressed, Confused, and Disheartened

 

agamennon0

[saintfrancis]

"Open" relationships rarely EVER work, unless BOTH parties want it. And you are the one party that doesn't want it. In the meantime, you are giving her more and more of yourself (and your money), and agreeing to an arrangement that gives you less and less of her. In marriage or any relationship, there has to be an equal give and take. You don't have that, even in its "open" state. In my opinion, this setup will not work.

[bluechocolate]

In my opinion Plan B will eventually lead to divorce, so why delay the inevitable?

 

Maybe for some people an open marriage is possible, but that wouldn't work for me. It sounds to me like you're agreeing to this as a way to keep your wife rather than as a philosophy of marriage that you truly believe can and will work.

 

Seems to me likes she's got in made in the situation as you describe it. What do you get out of this?

 

If you two want to save your marriage in any way shape or form I strongly suggest you seek some counselling.

[agamennon0]

I see your point. But... the idea of the open marriage does work for me. I had a lot of reservations, and I'm in a confused state of mind, but it excites me to feel I 'could' do things if I wanted to, and maybe down the road I will. I'm already doing things I denied myself before because my wife didn't like them - like dancing, getting season tickets for football, and I'm going to try and meet other people...

 

I don't know, maybe I am deluding myself, but if the only alternative is a divorce - I want to give this a shot. Worst case scenario with plan b seems to be my wife and I end up living separately in a duplex. Hopefully as friends again.

 

As for the money and time... I have 2 kids. I don't want to affect their lives if possible, I don't want to split them up, or deny them time with their mom or me, and I want to see them. The money I'm wasting on my wife really would be gone anyway if she ended up with custody (I travel a lot, so I don't see any other way) - and I would probably pay more than needed for child support because of the kid's schooling and what they're used to.

 

Bottom line is, I want to be her friend and see if we can be happy this way... if we get closer, all the better, but even if we don't I'm getting used to the idea of making myself happy.. contingent on my wife starting to DO things to make me happy too. I agree it can't be a one way street.

 

I'm not thinking straight... so do you think I'm delusional?

 

Agamennon0

[saintfrancis]

Delusional is perhaps too strong a word, but I do think you are fooling yourself if you think you will be happy with this arrangement. In the short term, sure it sounds like you're getting some newfound freedom and can do all those things you want to... but then if that's what you really want, and you are not happy in your M, then why aren't you filing for divorce? Also, you know how you felt when your wife was having an EA with that guy - how do you think you'll feel when she's openly dating someone else right in your face? I just think that after the novelty of the situation wears off, you will look around and ask yourself what the hell you've done.

 

Also... think about any woman that you might happen to meet and take a liking to. Do you really think a woman is going to want to date you, with your wife living in the same house, or next door? (unless she wants to be an OW)

[FolderWife]

OOHHHhhhh, this sounds like a miserable situation :(

[saintfrancis]

I forgot to add... your wanting to be your wife's "friend" in this case reminds me of a lot of parents I hear wanting to be their kids' "friends." It doesn't work that way, you're either a parent, or a friend, but not both, at least, not both at the same time. You are her husband or you're not. I understand your wanting to make her happy, and in doing so you think you will get her to come back to you. Trust me, the ONLY thing you are doing is letting her know that she can do whatever the hell she wants, and have no accountability to you for it. That my dear, is a doormat, not a friend. Even if you think you will benefit from your arrangement (and as I said above, maybe you will benefit in the short term), in the long run you are showing your wife that you will not only put up with, but encourage her screwing around. You are showing her that clinging to her is more important to you than your marriage and your self-respect. She will NOT respect you this way. And if she doesn't respect you, she won't come back to you in the long run.

 

(I know something about struggling to gain respect where you've lost it, trust me)

[bluechocolate]

But... the idea of the open marriage does work for me

 

The idea of ramming every stupid driver on the road with an 18 wheeler works for me. I could think of lots of crazy ideas that would work for me, doesn't mean I'm going to start doing them.

 

Buy hey - if this works for you then more power to you.

 

( though I am curious why you posted here )

[EnigmaXOXO]

but my one fear is that she won't make the choice to get closer to me

 

She won’t. She’s finagled a sweet deal for herself. You are paying her to stay, and the only trade off is that she gets a salary from you for doing all the things she did as a wife for free…taking care of your children and YOUR home. Does she work? And are sexual relations ‘with you’ part of this new arrangement? Or is the ‘new guy’ getting that part of her for free?

 

As a matter of fact, I think you’ve probably sweetened the pot for her new lover as well! He gets the best part of your wife without having do deal with any of the financial burdens or the more unpleasant factors of actually having to live with her. Shoot, she’s probably only on her best behavior when she’s boinking him!

 

Damn! Where can I sign up for THAT??!!

 

I think if you feel this deal is actually working for you, then you should see it to its conclusion. A part of me feels bad for you because you seem to be getting the short end of the stick while the two of them get a free RIDE at your expense. (pardon the pun) But if it’s working for you and you are happy with your season tickets and finally being allowed to spend time with your brother, than congrats. As long as you’re happy…

[morrigan]

Are you really open to your wife having a full blown affair with another man? It sounds more like you are holding onto this marriage in the hopes she will eventually come back to you.

 

By staying with you, your wife has financial and emotional security, permitting her to run around gives her an added perk to stay in the current arrangement. You may meet someone else, and decide you would rather pursue a full relationship with them, and want a divorce.

She may continue the affair with this man, and decide she wants to live with him.

 

Also, don't believe the kids won't be impacted by what is going on between you two---especially if both of you are with other people more than you are with eachother. I understand you are afraid of not being able to be with them a lot if you did divorce, but I think that the relations between you and your wife will be noticed by them. You can often be a better single parent than if you stayed in a marriage where your unhappiness was apparent to your children.

 

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck.

[brashgal]

When I was married I did this although I did not condone an open marriage. I simply looked the other way a certain amount as my husband felt he should be friends with the OW. I forgave him again and again over the course of 3 years and two OWs. I finally had enough and asked him to leave. But not before putting myself through emotional turmoil again and again - I am very happy to be off the rollercoaster of emotions.

 

If the marriage was truly important to her she'd be doing whatever she could to get back in your good graces, including cutting off her relationship with the OM. She isn't doing that.

 

Your kids will survive. Better for them to have a relationship with two happy yet separate parents - this has got to be taking it's toll on your outlook.

[Fritz]

Check out <removed> It also doesn't sound like you really like this idea of an open marriage, thus its not likely to work. She also isn't going to come back to you this way..you're paying her now to essentially do her job and she can screw around...

[Thinkalot]

Gee this sounds tough. I could not handle such a situation, as I would want all or nothing. I hope you've thought this through fully, and won't regret it down the line. I wish you every happiness, and the best of luck though.