How can I begin to get over affair with coworker...

[seekingsanity]

....when I see him everyday, all day?

 

I am new here, very torn and in desperate need for some experienced advice. Very long story short, my coworker and I began an affair almost a year ago. We were both married. He does not have children but I do. We were not just coworkers as we were also very good friends. We would advise eachother on life in general and even on our marriages, he was my best friend. I loved him before the affair began and I love him even more now. Problem is I am divorced now and he is not. He has told me several reasons as to why he is still with her, such as we need to wait until my D has been over for a while so that everyone does not make the connection to the fact they are very involved in the community together and everyone is just going to think he is a horrible person. He says he just needs some time but in the end he knows we will be together. Maybe he is justified in his reasons and I am rushing him, I don't know? All I do know that in the meantime, it is driving me insane. I am beginning not to believe or trust him and I know that is a bad sign. I have decided to pull back so he can decide for sure what he wants. The problem is we work in a small office and very closely together every day and it literally hurts me to see him. I cannot afford to leave my job so I guess I am just trying to figure out how to function without giving in or loosing my mind. Any suggestions? Thanks for reading.

[bentnotbroken]

....when I see him everyday, all day?

 

I am new here, very torn and in desperate need for some experienced advice. Very long story short, my coworker and I began an affair almost a year ago. We were both married. He does not have children but I do. We were not just coworkers as we were also very good friends. We would advise eachother on life in general and even on our marriages, he was my best friend. I loved him before the affair began and I love him even more now. Problem is I am divorced now and he is not. He has told me several reasons as to why he is still with her, such as we need to wait until my D has been over for a while so that everyone does not make the connection to the fact they are very involved in the community together and everyone is just going to think he is a horrible person. He says he just needs some time but in the end he knows we will be together. Maybe he is justified in his reasons and I am rushing him, I don't know? All I do know that in the meantime, it is driving me insane. I am beginning not to believe or trust him and I know that is a bad sign. I have decided to pull back so he can decide for sure what he wants. The problem is we work in a small office and very closely together every day and it literally hurts me to see him. I cannot afford to leave my job so I guess I am just trying to figure out how to function without giving in or loosing my mind. Any suggestions? Thanks for reading.

 

 

Why shouldn't they believe the what he is or at least what his actions say he is? If you don't want to be clalled a duck, don't walk around quaking and shaking your tail feathers everywhere.

 

What was your first clue that you shouldn't trust him? The fact that he was married when he cheated with you or the fact that he is still married to the woman he cheated on with you?

 

Suggestion, give in to the feelings and let him and everyone else know how much you really love this person.

[pureinheart]

....when I see him everyday, all day?

 

I am new here, very torn and in desperate need for some experienced advice. Very long story short, my coworker and I began an affair almost a year ago. We were both married. He does not have children but I do. We were not just coworkers as we were also very good friends. We would advise eachother on life in general and even on our marriages, he was my best friend. I loved him before the affair began and I love him even more now. Problem is I am divorced now and he is not. He has told me several reasons as to why he is still with her, such as we need to wait until my D has been over for a while so that everyone does not make the connection to the fact they are very involved in the community together and everyone is just going to think he is a horrible person. He says he just needs some time but in the end he knows we will be together. Maybe he is justified in his reasons and I am rushing him, I don't know? All I do know that in the meantime, it is driving me insane. I am beginning not to believe or trust him and I know that is a bad sign. I have decided to pull back so he can decide for sure what he wants. The problem is we work in a small office and very closely together every day and it literally hurts me to see him. I cannot afford to leave my job so I guess I am just trying to figure out how to function without giving in or loosing my mind. Any suggestions? Thanks for reading.

 

 

Easier said than done, although he needs to let go of what people think...realistically, who cares what a bunch of people think. Most people will judge mercilessly anyway having only bits and pieces of the actual facts...meaning they will have 20/20 vision concerning the two of you, although blind to their own hoarded life.

 

Hey for whatever it's worth, take care of you...if you don't noone else will...

[woinlove]

....when I see him everyday, all day?

 

I am new here, very torn and in desperate need for some experienced advice. Very long story short, my coworker and I began an affair almost a year ago. We were both married. He does not have children but I do. We were not just coworkers as we were also very good friends. We would advise eachother on life in general and even on our marriages, he was my best friend. I loved him before the affair began and I love him even more now. Problem is I am divorced now and he is not. He has told me several reasons as to why he is still with her, such as we need to wait until my D has been over for a while so that everyone does not make the connection to the fact they are very involved in the community together and everyone is just going to think he is a horrible person. He says he just needs some time but in the end he knows we will be together. Maybe he is justified in his reasons and I am rushing him, I don't know? All I do know that in the meantime, it is driving me insane. I am beginning not to believe or trust him and I know that is a bad sign. I have decided to pull back so he can decide for sure what he wants. The problem is we work in a small office and very closely together every day and it literally hurts me to see him. I cannot afford to leave my job so I guess I am just trying to figure out how to function without giving in or loosing my mind. Any suggestions? Thanks for reading.

 

Where did he get the idea everyone will think he is a "horrible person"? Has everyone been telling him that? Likely not. Likely he is telling himself that. What this really means is that he is ashamed of himself. If he was confident of his love for you and how right is was for you two to be together, he would make it happen. The fact that he is not making it happen and blaming it on "everyone" else is hiding the fact that he doesn't feel right with it himself. When you know you are right, you don't worry about what others - others not intimately involved - think.

 

Either he wants to be with you and knows that is the right decision for him or he doesn't. Sounds like, for now, he doesn't. It is extremely difficult to "pull back" while seeing him every day. If you want to pull back, I think you need to put a plan in place that would give you physical, as well as emotional, distance from him. If you can't quit your job right now, what can you start doing now to be able to find another job soon? Focus on those steps instead of focussing on MM.

[eleanor01]

Easier said than done, although he needs to let go of what people think...realistically, who cares what a bunch of people think. Most people will judge mercilessly anyway having only bits and pieces of the actual facts...meaning they will have 20/20 vision concerning the two of you, although blind to their own hoarded life.

 

Hey for whatever it's worth, take care of you...if you don't noone else will...

 

Where did he get the idea everyone will think he is a "horrible person"? Has everyone been telling him that? Likely not. Likely he is telling himself that. What this really means is that he is ashamed of himself. If he was confident of his love for you and how right is was for you two to be together, he would make it happen. The fact that he is not making it happen and blaming it on "everyone" else is hiding the fact that he doesn't feel right with it himself. When you know you are right, you don't worry about what others - others not intimately involved - think.

 

Either he wants to be with you and knows that is the right decision for him or he doesn't. Sounds like, for now, he doesn't. It is extremely difficult to "pull back" while seeing him every day. If you want to pull back, I think you need to put a plan in place that would give you physical, as well as emotional, distance from him. If you can't quit your job right now, what can you start doing now to be able to find another job soon? Focus on those steps instead of focussing on MM.

 

Hi, Seeking--

 

Welcome.

 

I am sorry that you're in the situation that you're in right now. It sucks.

 

It sounds to me like your man is definitely not keeping up his end of the bargain. For whatever reason, he's gotten cold feet, but who knows why? His excuses are lame. Really. He's right that people in his community are going to think he's a horrible person if he divorces his wife. And I disagree with pureinheart and woinlove that it doesn't matter what people think. It does and what they think will affect your/his life. BUT, that's what happens in a divorce--your whole life goes through an enormous upheaval and you lose friends because everybody seems to take sides. You probably know this, having just been through it. To me, that argument just doesn't have a whole lot of validity. In effect, he's telling you that he values "people not thinking he's a horrible person" more than he values being open about his relationship with you.

 

Can you go see a therapist or counselor? If you tell him that you're doing this and he asks you why, tell him that you're feeling confused and cruddy about your relationship with him and you'd like a therapist to help you sort out your feelings. If he tries to convince you not to go (that everything will be okay, etc.), run. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but if he does this, he doesn't want you to have access to an opinion not guided by him.

 

Whew. Good luck to you.

Ellie

[fooled once]

....when I see him everyday, all day?

 

I am new here, very torn and in desperate need for some experienced advice. Very long story short, my coworker and I began an affair almost a year ago. We were both married. He does not have children but I do. We were not just coworkers as we were also very good friends. We would advise eachother on life in general and even on our marriages, he was my best friend. I loved him before the affair began and I love him even more now.

 

Problem is I am divorced now and he is not. He has told me several reasons as to why he is still with her, such as we need to wait until my D has been over for a while so that everyone does not make the connection to the fact they are very involved in the community together and everyone is just going to think he is a horrible person. He says he just needs some time but in the end he knows we will be together. Maybe he is justified in his reasons and I am rushing him, I don't know? All I do know that in the meantime, it is driving me insane. I am beginning not to believe or trust him and I know that is a bad sign. I have decided to pull back so he can decide for sure what he wants. The problem is we work in a small office and very closely together every day and it literally hurts me to see him. I cannot afford to leave my job so I guess I am just trying to figure out how to function without giving in or loosing my mind. Any suggestions? Thanks for reading.

 

Oh wow. No children and he isn't leaving. For a YEAR, he has had no "good" reason to continue to lie and disrespect his wife; yet he does.

 

He needs time for.... oh, to trick everyone into believing you guys weren't cheating on your spouses? He thinks by 'waiting', people won't put it together? You two do realize that more than likely everyone in your office already knows you two are sleeping together. You do realize that most people don't need to see you two in an embrace to know what is going on.

 

My advice? Let go of him. He is playing with you (and his wife). He loves the ego feed you are giving him. For A YEAR he has enjoyed the fact that you both love him. For a YEAR he has had both of you to meet his needs. He probably has no desire to give up either of you.

 

Heck no you aren't 'rushing' him. Honestly, I don't think he will ever leave. If he hasn't by now, and you have accepted that because you continue to have an affair, he has zero incentive to actually get a divorce.

 

Tell him you have enjoyed the affair, but until the ink is DRY on the divorce papers and he has sought some counseling to work through his infidelity and reasons for disrespecting his wife, the woman he married, he is to leave you alone. Tell him you refuse to be his mistress any longer. Tell him you respect yourself too much to continue this charade.

 

And mean it. Treat him as a co-worker. Treat him in a business like manner. No more sexting, no more secret communication, no more words of love, etc. Cut him off. Since he has no plans to make a move one way or the other, make it for him.

 

Good luck.

[jj33]

Oh wow. No children and he isn't leaving. For a YEAR, he has had no "good" reason to continue to lie and disrespect his wife; yet he does.

 

 

 

He needs time for.... oh, to trick everyone into believing you guys weren't cheating on your spouses? He thinks by 'waiting', people won't put it together? You two do realize that more than likely everyone in your office already knows you two are sleeping together. You do realize that most people don't need to see you two in an embrace to know what is going on.

 

My advice? Let go of him. He is playing with you (and his wife). He loves the ego feed you are giving him. For A YEAR he has enjoyed the fact that you both love him. For a YEAR he has had both of you to meet his needs. He probably has no desire to give up either of you.

 

Heck no you aren't 'rushing' him. Honestly, I don't think he will ever leave. If he hasn't by now, and you have accepted that because you continue to have an affair, he has zero incentive to actually get a divorce.

 

Tell him you have enjoyed the affair, but until the ink is DRY on the divorce papers and he has sought some counseling to work through his infidelity and reasons for disrespecting his wife, the woman he married, he is to leave you alone. Tell him you refuse to be his mistress any longer. Tell him you respect yourself too much to continue this charade.

 

And mean it. Treat him as a co-worker. Treat him in a business like manner. No more sexting, no more secret communication, no more words of love, etc. Cut him off. Since he has no plans to make a move one way or the other, make it for him.

 

Good luck.

 

Great advice FO. Seeking sorry that you are in this position but if you who have children could pull the trigger and move forward what is his excuse. What others (not his children) will think? How long does he have to wait? A year? Divorce takes time. People divorce all the time. There is no reason for people to connect the dots unless as FO said they already have.

 

This is his guilt talking. He doesnt want to be "that person" but he is already hes just ashamed that other people may figure it out.

 

Give him what he wants. Space so that he can divorce without you in the picture giving people reason to talk.

[seekingsanity]

I greatly appreciate the advice each one of you have given and I plan to heed it. Please keep it coming though as I really need the encouragement right now to help me through this. I know this is a plea to complete strangers but given my situation, I do not have anyone else to confide in. I actually began visiting a therapist before my divorce was final. I went for several months but have since quit because honestly I began dreading each session because I had to tell her once again that I could not stay away from him.

 

I know his excuses are lame and each time he gives them to me, it is like driving a knife through my heart. I told him I can not stand the pain anymore and he says he feels just terrible. I have given it my all and I he has not, I just have to accept that.

 

I have to keep my job at the moment. I make good money for my area and I am struggling financially as it is. I am basically stuck. I am reaping what I sowed and that's just how it is. I just hope that maybe one person can read my post and think twice before they take the leap. Our A started out very innocently. Good friends who cut up with eachother and thought the world of one another. I had a loveless marriage, he gave me love and attention that I was not receiving at home and the rest is history. He has done a wonderful job at keeping my attention with lots of quality time, gifts, trips, you name it. It has been the perfect relationship except for he is not mine and I am beginning to realize he never will be.

 

I remember when I first started lurking this board....I thought "oh, that will never be me and him!" I was looking for the happy threads...the relationships that worked out because that was going to be us. I would be willing to bet there are some people out there lurking right now and thinking the exact same thing.

[jj33]

Seeking I thought the same thing. We are inseparable that will never be us. We are practically living together it is inevitable that we will have a future together. And then when he hung on after the A ended I still beleived that eventually he would leave. He didnt. Labor Day is around the corner and they will be off together on vacation. Everyone thinks they will be the exception to the rule.

[seekingsanity]

jj33 - I am sorry, vacations are the worse...talk about pain, that is almost as bad as it gets.

[jj33]

jj33 - I am sorry, vacations are the worse...talk about pain, that is almost as bad as it gets.

 

Thanks it doesnt bother me its been over for a long time and the vacations never got to me. Its their life its what they do. I hope hes happy but I suspect he really isnt that happy I mean who would be happy with a marriage where your W is on the prowl you are on the prowl and she treats you like a dog (seen it with my own eyes)

 

But obviously he likes it that way - bow wow

 

I looked at it differently I never expected their life to change because he was with me its what they do - separate lives to a large extent while married. Not what I would want in a marriage but to each his own

[lilypoo]

Im sorry to hear this, I am in a similar position, slightly different, me and a guy at work started having an emotional affair, we had the odd cuddle or held hands briefly but nothing more and I made it clear that I wouldnt do anything whilst he has a partner, like you I have 2 children and recently ended the relationship with the father, me and the guy at work have got closer and closer to a point I reall thought he was going to end his relationship. 2 weeks ago his partners mother died suddenly, since then he has almost backed off from me but not entirely, I have tried to be understanding, and have thought about how his partner must be feeling and him and have so far kept my mouth shut, I understood that I am not his priority at the moment, but its been hurting me like hell, I thought he was avoiding me and when I got the chance to ask him he said that he wasnt avoiding me at all and explained that his partner has been in bits, hes had a funeral to arrange and other things to sort out, which I fully understand, but it didnt take away the way I am feeling. Today he came back to work and told me that whilst we have not seen eachother, he ended up sweating, shaking and ended up crying and being sick, I know it was because it was all too much for him. He is all over the place at the moment, I know he cares for his partner, but the trouble is he also has feelings for me, he is trying to do the right thing by her, and I suppose if he didnt, I wouldnt like him anyway, but at the same I am involved in this horrible scenario and my feelings exist, whilst at work today he was all over the place, looked like he was going to cry at one point, I tried to be understanding to all what he was telling me about the last few weeks, he has followed me around all day, even after me trying to get away from the situation, I even told him that I was going out at the weekend and that since my partner and I seperating that I feel I am now ready to meet someone else, he didnt like that at all, it was written all over his face, maybe I shouldnt have done that, but in the past he has made his feelings clear to me that he loves me, is frightened of losing me etc, then when he is on a guilt trip come into work and asked if ive met a new fella etc??? Very conflicting thoughts going on here and not from me, I have come to the conclusion that I cant hold it in any longer, Im going to confront him with his conflicting words and actions and challange him on it, I just want to know what he is really feeling, the confusion he is obviously going through is rubbing off on me and I cant take it anymore, Im going to set him straight Monday morning, say what I want to say and then tell him that as much as I like him as a person, I cant remain friends with him and that we should avoid eachother as much as possible, the confusion is hurting me and outweighing the good, I will tell him that if his position changes down the line and he wants to call me then he can, but for now his priorities are at home and if he cant be strong in his own mind, then im afriad its going to have to down to me to be the strong one and put a stop to the misery its causing both me and him. I really dont want to have got involved in something like this, but the truth is I am very much so, someone has to be strong and break the link and I will stand by my word and that is I dont want to hear from him unless his situation changes and he is a single man....I just wanted to share this with you so you know you are not alone and maybe you can take something from the last part of my msg to you....I will update you on what the outcome is, you have to be strong for you x