LOSING MY WIFE

[R.J.]

I've recently been having great difficulties in my relationship with my wife, whom i love dearly. We've been married for about 3 1/2 years. I admitt that we have had some trouble in the past and at times that I probably haven't showed her enough love and affection at times. I recently found out that she was having an affair or as she tells me was at least thinking of it. She tells me that she never thought that she would have feelings for another man. She also tells me that what ever occured is now over, but she continues to distance herself from me. I try desperatly to be close to her and show her the love and affection that I feel she deserves, but nothing seems to change. I have told her that I completely forgive her and that I accept some of the blame for the problems in our relationship. She has now decided that she needs some time appart from me to sort out her life, to decicde what she needs to do. At the present time she is financially bound to live in the same home with me, but only until she saves enough money. i'm affraid that if she leaves I'll never get her back. please help me, I love my wife!

[Tony T]

Hhmmm. It sounds like your wife is very hurt by the long period of rejection and neglect of her needs.

 

The way it usually works is that a woman will spend a certain amount of time trying to communicate these types of feelings to a man. After a reasonable period of time, if he doesn't respond in a positive way, she begins to pull away emotionally...a little bit more each day. As she is going through this process, she is hurting deeply inside but knows it's useless to say anything because she has already tried and sustained rejection and little or no results.

 

One day, she has gotten over the relationship totally and is ready to move on, even though she is still physically there. When she tells her husband that she wants out, he is shocked...because he wasn't paying attention or just didn't want to realize the seriousness of the problems or the fact that she was withdrawing.

 

My guess, based on your post, is that this is what happened. Once a woman is over the relationship, it is extremely hard to get her to reinvest in it.

 

I will also say that, according to a divorce attorney friend of mine, 85 to 90 percent of women who get divorced already have someone else in mind to go to. My guess is that your wife probably has some prospects out there who may have helped her get through her emotional break up with you.

 

I know this hurts really bad. But don't screw your head all up by constantly thinking to yourself this wouldn't have happened if I had just done this or that. It happened and that's that.

 

Your wife, I'm sure, will be grateful if you make this separation easy. The percentage of reconciliations is pretty low...but the possibilty is there. If you make serious changes, this will encourage her but she will doubt they are permanent. If you really want her, you will have to make a very major and very long term committment to changing the way you treat her. Patching things up with her will take a very long time.

 

The degree to which you make this time of her life comfortable and easy for her is the degree to which it is possible that she may want to come back to you.

 

As a practical matter, when someone tells you they need to be away to sort things out and see where they want to be, that is NOT a good sign. A married person solves all serious problems within the framework of the relationship. They only split away if they have other things in mind.

 

You should probably see a counsellor for some help with your feelings here. The more you get in her face to try to get her back, the more she will resent you...too little too late. You are best to let her do what she feels she needs to do. Use the opportunity while she is still in your home to show her some of the sincere attention you failed to show her before...just back off if she seems not to want to respond.

 

This is what happens when we take someone for granted or neglect their needs. But don't feel bad or guilty. In the day to day stress of life, there are so many of us who fail to properly attend to our loved ones and ultimately go through the same lessons you are going through now.

 

As a matter of fact, there are many men who just don't fully understand what women need and don't know how to listen to them ask for what they need. Communication skills need to be perfected in a relationship. If that process never starts, you get to where you are now.

 

At least you have learned some serious stuff through all of this. And be very sure before you do anything here to try to save the relationship that you do, in fact, want her to remain in your life and that you are willing to change.

 

I hope this works out for you.

[Deejette]

When a man has neglected me, been sparce with his affection, and has taken my love for granted, during the process of leaving him, I am actually groom him to be a better mate for the next woman in his life. She is the beneficiary of all my work and his mistakes. For example, I just ended my painful relationship with "Mr. Always-Late- Sometimes-No-Show." I told him that if he wants to have a decent relationship with the next woman in his life, he will A) Show up, and B) Show up on time (not an hour or more late each time). He will show affection and give compliments, not just look for the flaws. He won't spend the entire evening ragging on his ex-wife like a whining victim licking his wounds while ignoring that he is sitting across the table from a vibrant, beautiful woman.

 

He blew it with me, but he has a chance with another woman. It seems your wife has already moved on. The other man probably gave her the attention she needed from you. Even if she goes back to you, she may still be thinking about him. It's best to cut your losses and move on, making sure that this time you are very conscious about how special you make the lady feel.

Hhmmm. It sounds like your wife is very hurt by the long period of rejection and neglect of her needs. The way it usually works is that a woman will spend a certain amount of time trying to communicate these types of feelings to a man. After a reasonable period of time, if he doesn't respond in a positive way, she begins to pull away emotionally...a little bit more each day. As she is going through this process, she is hurting deeply inside but knows it's useless to say anything because she has already tried and sustained rejection and little or no results. One day, she has gotten over the relationship totally and is ready to move on, even though she is still physically there. When she tells her husband that she wants out, he is shocked...because he wasn't paying attention or just didn't want to realize the seriousness of the problems or the fact that she was withdrawing. My guess, based on your post, is that this is what happened. Once a woman is over the relationship, it is extremely hard to get her to reinvest in it. I will also say that, according to a divorce attorney friend of mine, 85 to 90 percent of women who get divorced already have someone else in mind to go to. My guess is that your wife probably has some prospects out there who may have helped her get through her emotional break up with you.

 

I know this hurts really bad. But don't screw your head all up by constantly thinking to yourself this wouldn't have happened if I had just done this or that. It happened and that's that. Your wife, I'm sure, will be grateful if you make this separation easy. The percentage of reconciliations is pretty low...but the possibilty is there. If you make serious changes, this will encourage her but she will doubt they are permanent. If you really want her, you will have to make a very major and very long term committment to changing the way you treat her. Patching things up with her will take a very long time. The degree to which you make this time of her life comfortable and easy for her is the degree to which it is possible that she may want to come back to you. As a practical matter, when someone tells you they need to be away to sort things out and see where they want to be, that is NOT a good sign. A married person solves all serious problems within the framework of the relationship. They only split away if they have other things in mind.

 

You should probably see a counsellor for some help with your feelings here. The more you get in her face to try to get her back, the more she will resent you...too little too late. You are best to let her do what she feels she needs to do. Use the opportunity while she is still in your home to show her some of the sincere attention you failed to show her before...just back off if she seems not to want to respond. This is what happens when we take someone for granted or neglect their needs. But don't feel bad or guilty. In the day to day stress of life, there are so many of us who fail to properly attend to our loved ones and ultimately go through the same lessons you are going through now. As a matter of fact, there are many men who just don't fully understand what women need and don't know how to listen to them ask for what they need. Communication skills need to be perfected in a relationship. If that process never starts, you get to where you are now. At least you have learned some serious stuff through all of this. And be very sure before you do anything here to try to save the relationship that you do, in fact, want her to remain in your life and that you are willing to change. I hope this works out for you.