I pushed him away, now he is with someone else, did I make a mistake?

[aurora19]

For days now I have been reading over people's messages. It has proven to be quite valuable in helping me with my recent struggle to get over a break-up. Alas, this morning I awoke to a terrible dread, I missed my ex so badly! I really thought that I would get over this and fast b/c in truth it has been over for years.Now I am beginning to sense that perhaps I have let the "one" go! Situation: My ex and I have been together on and off for nearly four years. We met when we were at a destructive time in our lives, he was a mess, I was a mess. He was mixed up with the wrong crowd and I had just moved back home with my parents after I ended up in a finicial rut and an emotional rut. I had gone from a glamorous life to ummm small town hell in a matter of months and I was beyond depressed. So when things seemed at their worst, I prayed for a man to save me (which is a terrible thing b/c a man can not save you from obscurity, that is to be dealt with on your own, but hell I was not that strong and smart then) and he came galloping in! I fell in love for the first time. Granted I had believed I had before, but that was all high school garbage. He was the first serious boyfriend and love, but believe me that did not mean I did not have my share of heartbreak and pain, which I of course took out on him! We were sooooo in love for about three months, it was a struggle dealing with one another's differences and scars, but regardless we continued on seemingly happy (almost marrying and moving in with one another several times). After that break-ups were as often as a piss and hurting each other was more common than loving each other. He cheated, I cheated (all the time!). He tried to change me and that made me run all over the place looking for another man that would fall in love with me and take me away from him forever. Our family and friends thought we were f-ing nuts and that we were so not supposed to be. We only hurt one another. I didn't think he was ever my type and vice versa. Why we clung on, who knows? There were some great moments of pure love, but for the most part I was running away as he was chasing after me desperate to change me. Towards the end I totally used him, he was just standing there pleading with me to love him and show him respect and instead I went from one man to another, searching for the one. I ignored his calls and demands. I went on selfishly living my life, using him only to hear his "I love yous" on the phone and put his arms around me assuring me everything was alright when again and again it did not work with other men. He threatened to find someone else, he said we would continue on this way until one of us found someone, we both believed that strongly, I just never believed it would be him first. I took him for granted. We had a fight, didn't talk for about a week, I call him and he has a girlfriend already! I knew someday this would happen, but again I refused to believe it would be him first. The girlfriend is a total dweeb! So I tried to go the route of getting him back by showing the vulnerable side I often hide, but he said he couldn't fall for that again. So I wrote him a good good-bye letter wising him the best b/c in truth we were waiting for this and it was time I grew up a little and let him go, let him be happy. Now more than ever I think about him, dream of him and miss him. And I do not know if it's b/c I am in love with him and refused to see it or I am jealous of his new relationship. I was really dependent on him for reassurance and support and now he has totally gone cold turkey on me. No contact what so ever (which he warned me of, he is very loyal when he is with someone, it's all about them)! I want to be friends and make it up to him somehow, b/c now after all this time I realize what a selfish bitch I was and that he isn't the ass I portrayed him as. Granted his is nothing like I would imagine the "one" being like(and he wasn't always a nice guy), but maybe that was my mistake I was looking for the wrong things and love was right under my nose. Everyone else believes it's the best thing that could of happened, our breaking up and finally moving on, but I can't see that now. There our moments I feel happier and more confident than I have in years and then there our moments like this that make me believe that I am doomed to be alone forever regretting letting him go. I feel I am finally capable of giving him what he wants, but am I too late? I know I should leave him alone, but I am about to break! What should I do? Help!

[FolderWife]

Honey, I don't think you loved him. You loved him at one point, yes, but look at all you put him through. That's not love. Love is trying to work it out...not pushing away and running.

 

You liked that he chased you. That made you feel good about yourself. That made you feel superior. That made you feel wanted and needed. You also liked having a fall back guy in case every screw around you went through fell through.

 

I had a guy like that once. He chased me for 5 years, but I never gave him the time of day. It was nice to know he was there if I needed a plan b though. Finally, we hooked up for about 3 months, then he realized I wasn't the catch he thought, and moved on. Yeah, that devestated me. For 5 years, I felt like I was the best thing in the world, having someone chase after me like that, when I didn't give him any crumbs of love. Then when he got me, he didn't want me...yeah, that's a blow to the ego.

 

That's all it is. You don't want him back. If he dumped her and came running to you, you'd start doing the same crap again. You just miss feeling like the center of someone's universe. You miss feeling like someone out there will want you no matter what.

 

Move on from that, and become self confident. That's what I did. I decided that I don't NEED someone else to want me, I like myself! I know I'm hot, I know I'm smart, I know I'm funny..yadda yadda yadda. You just liked the reassurance of someone else wanting you. You need to discover you're great WITHOUT the reassurance of someone else.

 

It's a good thing that I found myself, becaue a few months after I lost the plan b guy, I met my husband. Now we're married, and he has a tendancy to put me down at times. I don't fall into that though, because I knew my self worth before ever I met him.

 

It is definately best that he doesn't contact you. You need to grow away from him. You need to become your own person, without needing the reassurance of someone who's always there.

[morrigan]

It was a hot and cold relationship. If you ever did get back with him, it would be the same drama happening again. Everytime you think of the good times you had with this guy, remember all the bull you each dished out to the other person.

 

You both treated eachother like sh*t--but at least you both did have sense enough to realize that you two were not going to be happy together. I agree with Monday in thinking this man was an ego boost for you. It might have been idealization, but it wasn't love.

[aurora19]

Thank you so much Monday, I appreciate it more than you know. You are very right and deep down inside I know that, it's just hard to apply inner knowledge to your outer world sometimes.

 

I realize my self-worth has come purely from men. Not even the right men, the men in the end who never even appreciated me or therefore didn't know who I really was!

 

Yes, I have dealt with self-esteem issues my whole life and yes, his making me the center of his universe made me feel OK about everything else. Indeed making him feel bad, sadly made me feel good like I was in control of something and if anyone out there tried to hurt me, I can take it out on someone who will still love me regardless. Not cool, I know. It's easy to take advantage of someone who was so forgiving and loving.

 

The guilt of hurting him is overwhelming, the idea that he will carry scars or a bad opinion of me disappoints me as well. I only hope this new girl makes up for my mistakes.

 

Yes, I did love him once upon a time, a long time ago. I know very well that I fell out of love, but gosh it is so damn hard now! I appreciate him and respect more than ever now! My friends and family also believe I just want something I can no longer have and if he returned I would no longer want him again. True, I guess! I can't get out of my head that I might be different and love him the way he deserves to be loved! Although nothing changes that fact that we are as different as night and day and that would inevitably would take it's toll once more. is it wrong to hold hope? Probably! I am so itching to pick up the phone and call him, but I am not even confident in what I would say.

 

It is a blessing in disguise! I need to find my own self-worth without a man. I know I am a special person, I have just made some mistakes out of fear and pain from the past, which should no longer be an excuse. I just hope I can someday find the right man and love him the right way as he does me. Karma is a bitch and I'm terribly afraid my disrespect towards my ex will come back three-fold. I can only do my best and throw fate to the wind.

 

Thanks again.

[aurora19]

Thanks morrigan, you are right as well. Love it was once, but idealization was actually a more accurate description for the majority of the relationship. Guess I am missing him for the wrong reasons. It's becoming a bit clearer to me, but still a little hazy. It's also really hard for me to face the fact that he totally just let me go completely after four years, you'd think he'd at least want to be friends with me, but I'm sure he felt like he could not move on w/o cutting me out of his life. In truth I probably would of found ways to manipulate him and keep him from falling for her. I miss him regardless! I hate that I know who she is and how much he will love her and forget all about me! I feel like he throw all that time we shared, good or bad right in my face like it was garbage. Maybe it was, at least I have learned something valuable, I will be more respectful of men's feelings in the future...they can be sensitive too. I was taught they were all monsters and treated them that way b/f they ever became one. I made them the monsters!