even the weather reminds me

[geejayess]

So- of course the first thing I think about when I get up is my xMM. I'm used to that, it's been that way for a LOOOOONG time, I don't imagine it will change in the matter of a few days. If he isn't the first thought he is definitely within the first 5. This morning's thought I can't even remember- I threw up my big red stop sign (thank you to whoever suggested that, it IS helping) and went back to sleep. However, there is a part of me that is counting the days until he is back in the States...

Smh.

 

Then, once I finally get out of bed, I try to start my day. I make a grocery list (thought- oh I'm going outside, he's not here I won't see him,) going over what items I need to add on my list (thought- he likes this.)

 

I'm seeing a pattern here. Is this normal? Is it because I am so intent on getting over him that my mind wants to find him at every single turn of my thoughts? I don't remember it being this hard before with the other times I've tried NC. Could I just have blocked out the memory of the difficulty I had then?

 

I turned on the news and the talk is of the earthquake that we had here on the East Coast. And the hurricane that is on its way. And I hear the words "the Caribbeans" and immediately THOUGHT " oh my God, he is in Jamaica! will he be ok? will he be able to get back (to me)?)" And I have the same futile thoughts about how no one would think to contact me if anything did happen to him. How I wouldn't know anything until long after it happened.... And I feel sad and angry at the same time.

 

What's the method for coping with this particular problem? Every thought I have seems to link back to him. I can't use the big red stop sign for EVERYTHING! I'm tired of telling myself of all the things that were wrong (that makes me feel bad, I'm not one who responds well to negativity and I don't want to sink into self-pity.) But what exactly do I do to curb my thoughts? I can give myself all the pep talks in the world about how I deserve better and I am a good person who just happened to have got herself into a bad situation, but I can't seem to turn off the part of my brain that thinks about him!

 

I even feel sometimes that this (coming here on LS and venting/encouraging others) is somehow feeding into the part of me that wants him. Sometimes I feel it is working, that talking it out helps me gain perspective; but other times I just think its never gonna happen because I don't want to .... hard to say "give him up" since he wasn't mine, or "let him go" because, again- he wasn't mine....

 

There is still a VERY big part of me that DOESN'T want to not love him How do I get there? I need to be at that point.

 

Help.

[fooled once]

I'm confused. Are you expecting the affair to resume when he returns or have you ended things? From your post, I get the impression that you are just counting the days until he and his wife return. If that is the case, I am guessing that you are happy to remain "just" the OW and nothing more?? Sorry, I just can't figure out which way you are going.

[geejayess]

Hey LinD. I guess I am fresh into my NC. I think that because this is not the first NC (the LAST one though, it IS the last!) I am feeling like I should be ok with my decision to end it. I should be ready to accept that it is OVER- I'm the one who said so for heaven's sake!!

But all I want to do is reminisce. I don't think that's what you mean when you say its ok to feel. I feel like thinking about him, about the last time he told me he loved me, or the times he's hugged me outside for all the world to see. I've been trying to keep myself busy. I've already done homework that's not due until next Monday. I have books to read.

 

I'll call today a wash. I spent way too much time thinking about him. I did however refrain from buying a pint of Haagen Dazs. So maybe it's not a total wash.

 

Let's hope we have a stronger day tomorrow! I've got laundry, housecleaning and the library lined up to keep myself busy.

[geejayess]

@FO- I guess I am what's called confused. I did end it. I am in my first week of NC- which isn't so hard to manage as he is out of town. YES there is a part of me that is anxious for him to be back; he's been a part of my life for a long time. But despite that I do intend to remain in NC.

 

I know that my R with him wasn't healthy and no, I am no longer happy to remain the OW. That's my whole purpose of going NC, and coming here to LS, hoping to find support and understanding. I've been telling myself that I can do it, but sometimes ... I don't listen so well.

 

I envy you if you were able to go into NC without waffling. My feelings aren't that cut and dried. I hope to soon reach the point where my wanting to see him is not as strong as they are now. I'm denying myself, again. It seems most of my adult life has been spent denying myself for one reason or another. But I'll stick to it.

[Gotti25]

Just ignore him if he tries to contact you when he gets back. After all he isnt the only guy out there. It seams to me like your just a doormat to him he could care less that your doing hes enjoying and having sex with his wife on vacation and your hurting it shows what a doushbag this guy really is. You should delete his number from your phone and move on.

[geejayess]

LinD- YES WE CAN!!!

 

I think I will be reading that "what NC means to you" thread a LOT! I want to print it out and post it somewhere I can read it everyday- but my son goes in my room all the time, I can't very well put it on the FRIDGE(!!!), and although he has seen me and xMM together- he hasn't seen us together. I don't want him to feel confused about what is right and wrong, we've talked about cheating and lying and he knows that it is wrong. (He's 18)

 

And before anyone else can comment- I'm more of a do as I say parent than a do as I do- I want better for my child than what I have done in my life.

 

So I have things to do today- and I must try to get them done before the storm starts. I hate doing laundry in the rain so that might have to wait til tomorrow. But I hope you have a great day LinD!

 

And may all of us stay strong!!

[fooled once]

@FO- I guess I am what's called confused. I did end it. I am in my first week of NC- which isn't so hard to manage as he is out of town. YES there is a part of me that is anxious for him to be back; he's been a part of my life for a long time. But despite that I do intend to remain in NC.

 

I know that my R with him wasn't healthy and no, I am no longer happy to remain the OW. That's my whole purpose of going NC, and coming here to LS, hoping to find support and understanding. I've been telling myself that I can do it, but sometimes ... I don't listen so well.

 

I envy you if you were able to go into NC without waffling. My feelings aren't that cut and dried. I hope to soon reach the point where my wanting to see him is not as strong as they are now. I'm denying myself, again. It seems most of my adult life has been spent denying myself for one reason or another. But I'll stick to it.

 

My feelings weren't cut and dried either. Geez, I do have a heart ya know. But I also knew reality. I had to do what was BEST for me. I had to do what I needed to do. I wasn't going to spend years and years and years like some OW and wait for ..... what? A text? A phone call?

 

I wanted more for me. You should want more.

[MissBee]

So- of course the first thing I think about when I get up is my xMM. I'm used to that, it's been that way for a LOOOOONG time, I don't imagine it will change in the matter of a few days. If he isn't the first thought he is definitely within the first 5. This morning's thought I can't even remember- I threw up my big red stop sign (thank you to whoever suggested that, it IS helping) and went back to sleep. However, there is a part of me that is counting the days until he is back in the States...

Smh.

 

Then, once I finally get out of bed, I try to start my day. I make a grocery list (thought- oh I'm going outside, he's not here I won't see him,) going over what items I need to add on my list (thought- he likes this.)

 

I'm seeing a pattern here. Is this normal? Is it because I am so intent on getting over him that my mind wants to find him at every single turn of my thoughts? I don't remember it being this hard before with the other times I've tried NC. Could I just have blocked out the memory of the difficulty I had then?

 

I turned on the news and the talk is of the earthquake that we had here on the East Coast. And the hurricane that is on its way. And I hear the words "the Caribbeans" and immediately THOUGHT " oh my God, he is in Jamaica! will he be ok? will he be able to get back (to me)?)" And I have the same futile thoughts about how no one would think to contact me if anything did happen to him. How I wouldn't know anything until long after it happened.... And I feel sad and angry at the same time.

 

What's the method for coping with this particular problem? Every thought I have seems to link back to him. I can't use the big red stop sign for EVERYTHING! I'm tired of telling myself of all the things that were wrong (that makes me feel bad, I'm not one who responds well to negativity and I don't want to sink into self-pity.) But what exactly do I do to curb my thoughts? I can give myself all the pep talks in the world about how I deserve better and I am a good person who just happened to have got herself into a bad situation, but I can't seem to turn off the part of my brain that thinks about him!

 

I even feel sometimes that this (coming here on LS and venting/encouraging others) is somehow feeding into the part of me that wants him. Sometimes I feel it is working, that talking it out helps me gain perspective; but other times I just think its never gonna happen because I don't want to .... hard to say "give him up" since he wasn't mine, or "let him go" because, again- he wasn't mine....

 

There is still a VERY big part of me that DOESN'T want to not love him How do I get there? I need to be at that point.

 

Help.

 

I could have written much of this post myself 2 years ago.

The bad news is that it's a process, and the good news is that it's a process!

 

You won't decide on NC and overnight or even in a month be done and resume life as if he never existed...doesn't happen like that. You developed the attachment to him overtime and you lose it overtime as well. You get used to a routine with this person in your life and when they are no longer in it or the relationship changes...you create a new life essentially...and that takes time.

 

My ex and I had a routine together and it was heart wrenching when it ended as I would expect a call/text from him daily, various restaurants, stores, streets, random items, the weather, a certain cologne, seeing a car like his and the list goes on bothered me for moooonths! I hated associating things to him and hated that simple, everyday things became emotional triggers.

 

But here I am today, over it, no longer have any attachment to him and yes it did get easier overtime I too joined LS during that time and part of being on LS was feeding the part of me that was hung up on him, hung up on rehashing the relationship, dissecting his every action etc....until that stopped too and I just didn't care what he did or didn't do and feel anymore and I created a new life for myself without him, that is quite awesome I might add. Yes you're normal, yes this is normal, no you can't be over it miraculously, but you WILL be one fine day! Best of luck

Edited August 26, 2011 by MissBee

[geejayess]

joined LS during that time and part of being on LS was feeding the part of me that was hung up on him, hung up on rehashing the relationship, dissecting his every action etc....until that stopped too and I just didn't care what he did or didn't do and feel anymore and I created a new life for myself without him, that is quite awesome I might add. Yes you're normal, yes this is normal, no you can't be over it miraculously, but you WILL be one fine day! Best of luck

 

 

 

Thanks MissBee!!

 

I am glad to know that my feelings on this are normal. I think that was one of the things that led me here to LS- I didn't have anyone I could talk to who I knew wouldn't look at me like I was crazy for caring about this man... I feel like I found a new network of friends!

 

So... now I know that even though I want to be out of it, it's "normal" for me to still think about him. I like that you said it took time to develop these feelings so its only natural that it takes time to get over them. I will make sure not to beat myself up in the late hours of the night.

[MissBee]

Thanks MissBee!!

 

I am glad to know that my feelings on this are normal. I think that was one of the things that led me here to LS- I didn't have anyone I could talk to who I knew wouldn't look at me like I was crazy for caring about this man... I feel like I found a new network of friends!

 

So... now I know that even though I want to be out of it, it's "normal" for me to still think about him. I like that you said it took time to develop these feelings so its only natural that it takes time to get over them. I will make sure not to beat myself up in the late hours of the night.

 

Yes, you really shouldn't. Most of us have been there. You're not a robot, so feel bad, think about him but realize feelings are transient....post-breakup/during NC there is going to be a rollercoaster. You'll have ups, downs, loops, 90 degree drops, highs, lows, upside down twists, the works....until eventually it slows down and gets to an equilibrium and then one day you don't even think about him like that anymore.

[Silly_Girl]

My feelings weren't cut and dried either. Geez, I do have a heart ya know. But I also knew reality. I had to do what was BEST for me. I had to do what I needed to do. I wasn't going to spend years and years and years like some OW and wait for ..... what? A text? A phone call?

 

I wanted more for me. You should want more.

 

If a love affair were just as you describe there'd be no challenge at all in walking away. These ladies find it hard because it's so much more than a text or a call. These are strong, deep feelings and commitment and attachment. If you're ready to leave (any relationship) of course it's easy, simple.

 

I think it's one of the hardest situations I have ever faced. Lots and lots of tough situations just 'happen to us'. Illness or redundancy or various others (sometimes very bad things actually) but we cope and cope well because our choices are limited, there may be no other option BUT to cope. But these relationships have the option of walking away, which perhaps we feel we must do but really don't want to for so many reasons. I think trying to go NC with someone you love deeply is hugely difficult and I don't envy anyone in that position. Good luck to the ladies in the thread! Keep on being there for each other