NC Log

[Viv]

Day 0

 

Today I sent my ex what I really hope was my last email. I wrote to him asking him to acknowledge that what we had was good, to wish me well in the future. I thought it would help if he would do that...but it just made me feel worse when he replied.

 

I think I was kidding myself that if he realised how final it all is, he might change his mind and say he misses me?! But of course that's not going to happen because even though I still love him, he doesn't have those feelings anymore.

 

I need to stay strong and stop contacting him, I really don't know if I have the strength, I don't how other people do it when they're so heartbroken?

[LelouchIsZero]

While the end of my relationship was fresh, I did little things like that too, though I was getting nowhere with it. It has definitely been more beneficial to maintain NC, which I'm sure if you stick to it, you'll be able to 'heal' a lot quicker then what you would searching for closure that you're not going to receive.

[Viv]

Thanks for that, maybe if I do it a while, it will get better and then it will be easier when I can see that?

 

I've had lots of break-ups but nothing like this. Stupid things remind me of him, like an advert of a couple driving by a cliff reminds me of us hiring a car on holiday, or football results, or cooking ingredients of meals we used to make together. It's like I have to avoid everything to stop this pain. Is this normal or am I acting crazy?

[Viv]

Did you ever get any type of closure at all?

[LelouchIsZero]

It is completely normal. The little things that remind you of him will eventually subside & if something does remind you, you'll be indifferent about it.

 

In a sense I received closure, but I also regret the things I did to receive it. I was desperate to know why things didn't work out. I kept pushing until she was kinda more honest about things, though she still held back & her apology was incredibly insincere. It might not be the same for you, but you'll regret it as he won't be able to give you the closure you desire.

Edited August 24, 2011 by LelouchIsZero

[Rorschach64]

Sometimes you get proper closure, sometimes you do not. I did not get any sort of closure, but only suspicion and paranoia as to the reasons why she left. The idea is to move on using NC and eventually not give a crap about what happened, that is YOUR closure.

 

I know that desire long for a situation where "She will realise eventually what she is missing and will come running back, kicking and screaming, to be with me again." by invoking NC. It has been 1~2 months NC, not really sure to be honest with you in regards to the time. She hasn't come back, not even a peep, as she sits around with my expensive laptop she jacked from me. Just a fool's dream, I guess.

[Viv]

I guess I already know that NC wont have the effect of bringing him back, I know that nothing will, i just feel such a need to contact him, that it makes me feel crazy until I do, then I feel crazy when he doesn't reply, and then if he does I feel so low because it's cold and uncaring, and the whole cycle begins again.

 

Now I desperately want to tell him that I love him and I miss him??? Because this stupid voice in my head is telling me that my last email was so calm because I was trying to be dignified that maybe he believes it and thinks I don't care anymore. But then the sensible voice says that he knows I wanted us to be together, and that is he wanted anything to do with me he would let me know. I hate him for making me feel like this, it's so hideous...

 

It's not right that our closure has to come like this, I'll never understand people who can't at least try to end a relationship with some compassion to the other person. It's so incredibly selfish!

[Viv]

@ lelouchiszero - are you glad now that you got more reasons, even though you regret what you did to get them? Or if you could go back, do you wish that you had just left it without knowing anymore than they wanted to tell you in the first place?

[MAGGIE15]

Viv,

 

Reading your posts, i could have written them myself.

The coldness of the ex, the thinking of him every day, wanting closure ( that i know i will never get), sending texts/emails, hoping he would tell me he missed me, only to be disappointed by the response.

 

I finally decided after numerous attempts at contact with him that the pain he was putting me through was just not worth it.

 

I am on 29 days NC and i know i will never hear from him again. Does that make me sad, yeah if im honest, but now i dont want him to contact me as i know i will go straight back to sq1 and all that misery, doubt and pain that comes with it.

 

As hard as it is, you need to continue with your NC. Being in contcat with them when they are cold and distant, just prolongs the apin that you are in, because they will never give you the response you want, and each time is like being kicked in the guts once more.

 

After a while , with me anyway, the fear of being rejected or ignored by my ex scares me to death, to know that i will end up that quivering mess i was in the beginning and that give me the incentive to never contcat him again.

 

Stick with the NC, post on here, talk to friends, and you will get through this.

Stay strong and start putting yourself first.

[Rorschach64]

What Maggie said is the same as me and you so listen to the advice! To give you some insight what I am going through myself: I wake up every morning since I started NC checking my email and yahoo IM thinking that she would have sent me a message or to give me some sign like you would see over at the Second Chance section in terms of coming back together. Though I am starting to simply become tired and lazy with this routine, so it does pass.

 

Stay NC, move on, and in the unlikely event your ex or my ex even come back do not accept any message short of an apology and them seeking to mend the relationship and what not. Anything else is to serve their ego, soothe their guilt, and so forth. If I can do it you can do it

[MAGGIE15]

Rorschach,

 

Im with you on the routine!! When i think of the the first few weeks obsessing with my phone, email etc and just being so disappointed when there was nothing. Made me feel so worthless and discarded.

 

But eventually , i think you expect it 'not' to be there and it gets easier. Im more scared now of contact as i know it would set me back, so maybe now im starting to think with my head.

 

Viv,

 

Rorschach is right, NEVER accept anything unless it is a 'i want you back, im sorry' text and even then tread with caution.

 

NC is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life, but as hard as it is, it really is the only way to detached yourself from the feelings you have at the moment. Someone on here said, we think with our hearts and we need to think with our brains and NC will give you the opprtunity to do that.

 

You will get there, we all do in the end, but it is up to you how painful it is. I learnt the hard way ( 18 months) and it nearly killed me , always hoping 'next time' would be different or his next reply would be the one, it never was and again, i sat there crying my eyes out in so much pain it was unbearable.

 

It will get harder before it gets easier, as with me, i got to to the 'he really couldnt careless about me' after about 2 weeks and that felt like my heart had been ripped out, but i knew this pain would never end if i contacted him, so i cried, i screamed, i shouted until i didnt want this pain anymore, and that is what NC again did for me.

 

Keep going gorward with your NC. Post on here everytime you feel like contacting and be proud of yourself everytime you resist.

[Queen of Hearts 10]

Viv,

 

The result of continued contact is my story. I'm here to let everyone know I couldn't do NC.

I love him severley and it's my addiction ! He is my drug and my poison. It's a sick cycle

of co-dependence.

 

So what I got was the closure of he now has a girlfriend and is never coming back

to me. It crushes you to follow a life that you are not a part of and nothing will bring them back !

At one point I

did 2 months of NC,

and then broke it ! He was fine the whole time with out me and didn't act like it even

mattered if I was dead or alive !!

 

The only thing that is helping me right now is work, starting back to school,

my daughter's company, some strict exercise, church, and knowing he is with her.

I can only stay away and hope she will dump him !!

 

good luck in your battle !!

[Rorschach64]

Here is some lovely tips I have generated from LS and my own crazy mind:

 

1. Your ex just got infected by the break-up virus and now is a brain craving ravenous zombie! Sure s/he may look like and shamble(?) like the person you knew and loved but they aren't! They are the living dead! Lay some lead down range at 'em and evade!

 

2. Avoid the Second Chances sector, it will only fill your mind with ideas and other such hope that will only serve to betray you in the end. Yes, some of the stories there are possible for anyone but they all require a lot of gambling and what not. Take the easy way out on this matter, stick with the NC mission and let them come to you if they want to fix stuff.

 

In regards to the Queen, let me ask what would wishing for the worse for your now zombie lover actually accomplish? Nothing but furthering the cycle of despair and misery! Just drink water and drive on from this matter as best as you can!

[Viv]

@Maggie - I just read some of your posts, and yes I felt like I had written them! Congratulations on the 29 days! I know how much strength that must take when you're feeling like this.

 

@Rorschach - I like your zombie tip, am imagining it right now and yes that's a good idea to avoid the second chances section, I didn't realise but it has been giving me false hope. But then I watched the Sex In The City movie, where Big jilts Carrie and then they get married to make myself feel better. Must stop with all of it.

 

There is no way he will ever try and get back with me, he's walked away really easily from all his relationships, so I know I wont be any different (we were married, but he said that I was just using that as 'excuse' to try and work on the relationship!).

 

@Queen of Hearts - glad you're staying strong now.

 

I'm ashamed to say that I did send an email this evening talking about why this was do hard for me, the suddenness, the marriage etc. and I know I'll regret it soon.

 

Im going to use the advice I saw on one of Maggie's threads about post-its which say 'you'll only feel worse afterwards'

 

Thank you for all your support, tomorrow is a new day and i will do better, good luck with your no contact.

[lymtal1]

guys, just reading your posts and i also can feel your pain. i went through a couple of months of what i consider L/C and just putting myself in the worst possible position. the position of hoping for some breadcrumbs. it really is so painful.

 

one month ago i made a real committment that i was going to do real N/C. for me that meant changing my phone number and not giving it out to anyone that she knows. yes i have missed some mutual friends but in the end it will be ok. i will re-connect at some point and they will understand. i did all the blocking of on-line stuff that is available. i will not call, i will not text, i will not check fb, i will not email. i have left the town.

 

i am still a wreck and still can't stop thinking 24/7 about her. the one thing i do feel good about is i took control of the situation. i know that i have put in place what i need to do to start some healing. i know that i won't hear from her again. that is not what i want but it is what i need.

 

please if you are going to go N/C do it right. you can give them no way to find you. in fact you need to make it so that the only way they can is they must move heaven and earth to do so. that way if they do it will be because they really want to and it will mean something. anything less means nothing.

[Rorschach64]

Sorry to ask this but...what the bloody hell does LC mean anyway? I have seen it used a few times but never could figure it out. Low contact maybe?

 

Personally I did not block my ex fiancee on facebook, didn't have to since she deleted her whole facebook and made a new one then kept me from being near it and told me not to message her at all on it, didn't block her e-mail or yahoo IM. Two reasons I did this is because:

 

1. I am still hoping she will send my laptop back that I lent her, which she used to spy on me, which I am figuring she isn't sending that back nor is she sending my dog tags back. Logistical reason basically.

 

2. In the unlikely event she is cured of her zombie-ism, she can get ahold of me and knows how to, but I am not planning on the cure happening.

 

Though I do like having the temptation, sitting right there in front of me, to contact her but resisting completely. Maybe I like torturing myself? Haha.

[LelouchIsZero]

@ lelouchiszero - are you glad now that you got more reasons, even though you regret what you did to get them? Or if you could go back, do you wish that you had just left it without knowing anymore than they wanted to tell you in the first place?

Not really, if I could turn back time, I wouldn't have bothered, because in the end it didn't really help.

 

I didn't receive closure from getting more reasons, the closure I received was because I realised it was futile to deal with someone selfish like her, I knew that I was never going to get the closure I wanted because she'd never give it. I needed to end that chapter of my life & start a new.

 

She didn't answer my questions & I'm sure she was confused herself, which makes the whole ideal laughable.

 

I'd suggest reading my story as you might be able to relate to it, but i'd feel bad as it'd be like advertising it.

[Viv]

I didn't receive closure from getting more reasons, the closure I received was because I realised it was futile to deal with someone selfish like her, I knew that I was never going to get the closure I wanted because she'd never give it. I needed to end that chapter of my life & start a new.

 

Thanks lelouch, am looking forward to feeling like that too.

 

Rorschach, I think LC is low contact, that people need to use if they have children, work together etc.

 

Day 1 - Please let me make it through a day. Today's quite hard because we were supposed to be going abroad for a year, flights are booked and everything, so there are two empty seats on the plane...

[JB93]

read through all the posts- totally feel your pain:

 

I will share a little bit of mine- because I feel its similar. My gf and I split 10 DAYS ago!! Ill be honest- the thought of her leaving with another man really tears me apart to no end. The thought of her sleeping with a another man makes me super jealous and frustrated. I will even be more sick and say, when we were together our sex was amazing, did it everyday, so in love. Now- im in complete withdrawal mode, and even when I'm pleasing myself, im thinking about her! its so sick and twisted, but I can't help it.

 

Regardless of the reason- I want her back, but i don't think it'll happen. Before this relationship even started (2 years ago), I was pretty good with relationship stuff. I know the RIGHT kind of advice to give to others. (I just suck at listening to them myself).

 

I totally believe in the theory of GIGS (grass is greener syndrome) and i feel like my now ex was experiencing this. Seeing if her life really needed me in it. Anyway, getting the "lets take a break" was more than heart wrenching- stomach in knots, trouble breathing, fatigued, very little sleep, waking up at 6 am and checking your phone for that "text." But I know about NC, and have been doing it since monday. Removed her from FB, her cell#, her everything, Even all the letters and gifts she bought me, out in the trash. Trying to throw away every little reminder of her out the window...

 

Now here is my confession: Hoping she'd realize what I meant to her, and how she MUST have me back. (im still hoping, but i KNOW this is NOT the point of N/C. The point is for it to help ME. Give me some self-respect and dignity, and avoid looking pushy, needy, jealous and desparate to my ex).

 

I guess I share some of my strategies that have helped somewhat:

 

1)throw away, remove all things that have ties to him/her. Some things, such as songs, places, people, you cant avoid, but that stuffed animal he got you? that hoodie he got you? out in the garbage.

 

2)talk to a friend who knew him or her. Ask them to talk about what they DIDNT like about your ex. Surprisingly this helped me a LOT. The reason behind this is: We can get really insecure with ourselves, and start to put our exes on a pedastal. By having an outsider put them down, and make you realize they weren't perfect and had flaws, will help you realize you are NOT below them. In my case, all my friends thought my ex was an idiot. I then thought about the times we spoke and argued, and she was infact really dumb! I just didn't see it at the time cus I was so jaded by her beauty.

 

3)I graduated with a psych degree, and now am going to the medical field- as such, I am VERY attuned to the physiological aspect of life. Heartbreak is no different. If you look up on google, heart break is VERY SIMILAR to COCAINE. Studies have shown that the same pleasure and pain receptors are activated between love and cocaine. When you take cocaine from a drug abuser, it makes them depressed, anxious, desparate, and completely emotionally messed up. heartbreak does the same exact thing, MRI's show the same parts being effected in the brain. For you scientists out there, it has to do with the levels of dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. Now I am only sharing this just to let you know that it IS possible to get over this. Your body is naturally reacting to the situation, and with mental strength and time, your body will heal itself.

 

Also a side note:

“A heart broken from love lost rates among the most stressful life events a person can experience,” says David Buss.

so dont feel so bad, at least ur experiencing the worst of it. It can only get better.

Edited August 25, 2011 by JB93

[LelouchIsZero]

I will even be more sick and say, when we were together our sex was amazing, did it everyday, so in love. Now- im in complete withdrawal mode, and even when I'm pleasing myself, im thinking about her! its so sick and twisted, but I can't help it.

 

 

I understand why, but it in a way is keeping/building attachment. You're really going to need to stop, I know how hard that's going to be, but there's no point in getting rid of all the other stuff that you have if you're still willing to keep doing that.

[JB93]

I understand why, but it in a way is keeping/building attachment. You're really going to need to stop, I know how hard that's going to be, but there's no point in getting rid of all the other stuff that you have if you're still willing to keep doing that.

 

Oh I completely agree with you. Its really tough. I KNOW what im doing isnt gonna help, but its hard NOT to think of those things.

[Rorschach64]

That's what I did JB, chucked all the ex f's gift out the window when she broke up with me. The letters, the watches, the shirts, and the pictures. Still working on chucking the wallet she gave me but I have been way too lazy

 

I agree totally about the addiction to love, if think about the mind and who you are technically is nothing more than chemicals and electrical impulses. When people say they are on cloud 9 in a relationship, to me that just signals a dependency on the relationship like a drug. I am guilty of it but then again I kind of had a whole future set with my ex f and now that future is long and dead, but it is time to build a new future!

 

P.S. Today sucks 'cause it is our first meet time date and we usually celebrate it and this is the first time I am going without it. To be expected not a single text, email, and or angry phone call! Sad face mreow.

[Viv]

Looking at it as a similarity to cocaine addiction does help! It means that it is a habit that can be broken, as opposed to letting yourself think that those feelings mean the love of your life has gone and you have to do everything you can to get them back!

 

I've started thinking what a rubbish wife I was, how I wasn't fun enough, stopped buying him presents, got really moody and I want to email him and tell him that. I wont, I'm sure the last thing he wants in the world is to hear from me, and I'm not going to break the first day of NC. I just have so many regrets, if only I had acted differently this wouldn't have happened. But at least I know now, and he could have given us a chance and chose not to, so he must have some issues to work through too...or maybe it was just me - sorry am rambling now.

 

@ Rorschach those days do suck, but you normally feel better the next day when you've got through them

[JB93]

Rors- i know how that feels- in 4 days will be the first time I met my gf 2 years ago. Crazy huh? 2 years ago I wasn't expecting anything- and out of nowhere i met my ex... but thats life- always surprises.

And I agree about the cloud 9. Too me, its no fairytale, its the electrical impulses kicking in. I still find it very special because I find the human body so fascinating. I think if there is one thing to know about future relationships- its to REALLY value yourself and control your emotions WELL. Being confident and not getting to flustered. Its like drugs- a little in moderation is fine- but once it becomes an addiction- thats when problems occur. And Love is no easy drug to control.

 

Viv- You need to stop blaming yourself. Everyone has their flaws. Im sure you could list a TON of things that pissed you off about your ex. even if they were small, they are still flaws none the less. NC is no joke- its so tough, but each day that goes by you will feel that much more accomplished. You survived another day. You are in the hurting/healing process. And from the bottom of my heart- i truley feel for your pain. I know clearer skies will appear- but embrace the pain. Channel it into self improvement and progress- REALLY good time for personal growth

 

I love you all!

[Rorschach64]

Well it is hard to a degree. I had a dream last night about how I saw her facebook page some how and it said "in a relationship' and my brain did a big ol' gut turning wrench thing. I woke up checking my stuff hoping to see something but yeah nothing and still nothing after I got back from my first free counseling session, which just confirmed all my suspicions and notions are right and she has some mental health issues. So that kind of made me feel a bit better with that reassurance All in all, I thought I was going to hurt a lot more today but not so much!

 

Never accept defeat, never quit, and always place the mission first (Recovery)! Good old Warrior Ethos!